Elevated Ebenezer

Photography...Hobby, Passion, Career?

2011-12-23T20:46:00.000-08:00

I've had the blessing of getting a new lens for our camera recently, as well as the opportunity to take a class. I've really enjoyed playing with different types of shots as well as photoshop techniques. My nieces were super sweet and let me take pictures of them on Monday. They turned out lovely. :)

I have told Justin that I would love an opportunity to do photography for a mission trip, preferably overseas. I don't know exactly how to make that happen...but if anyone in the bloggerverse has an idea, let me know!

Expect to see CatyDear Photography's website and blog up soon. Merry Christmas everyone!

Pre New Year's Resolutions

2011-11-26T08:42:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about goals. How easily they are set, and how easily they are broken. I stopped making resolutions years ago because I never kept them. This year, however, I've changed my mind.

Justin is a goal setting machine right now. He is working out, eating right, and losing weight like crazy. It inspires me, and has made me think a lot about where I can improve myself. I think it is so important to keep being who you are and continue doing what you feel passionate about after marriage. I've allowed myself of 5 months of comatose, now it's time to get back in business. So, here are the things I'm thinking about that will help me be a better "me":

1. Fitness- I so dropped the ball on this one, when I could have really been in crazy good shape. I want to start running again, and eating right, and at least tone up. I need to stop worrying about the pounds and start making myself feel better.

2. Education- Right now I have 15 hours of graduate studies. I quit mid year last year because it was just too much. Now, I'm starting to crave the adult time, if I'm being honest. I'm going to start looking at money and try to take a class or two this summer to finish up my degree.

3. Art- Even though I've never been super artist, I enjoy doing creative things. Lately that has been taking pictures. I really want to pursue this and learn about all the different facets of photography. If anything comes of it, great. If not, it's fun.

4. Friends- I need to reconnect with my friends. I have been a major loser (see previous post) and I'd like to remedy that.

Those are my current thoughts. Enjoy.

What's in a friend?

2011-11-26T08:29:00.001-08:00

As obvious by my lack of blog posts, the past 4-5 months have been so crazy busy. Married in June, school started in August...it just feels like I haven't had time for anything. Unfortunately, not having time has combined with this extreme desire to be anti-social. Maybe it's a newlywed thing, but any desire that I have to leave Mansfield, let alone the house, just doesn't exist. Which sucks, because most of the people I spent time with don't live in Mansfield. So I have had 2 choices: a) be a jerk and tell everyone to come to me, or b) not see my friends. Unfortunately I've chosen B by default. And it's starting to bite me in the butt.

I'm not sure if I am just a normal newlywed or a bad friend. It hasn't started to bother me until lately, when I see my friends all hanging out with each other and realizing that I'm starting to fade away. People are starting to know in advance that I probably won't come. I feel bad, but at the same time the thought of driving in city traffic during the week makes me want to cringe. Am I a horrible person??? I want my friendships to stay intact, but I also have to redefine what these look like now that I am married. For instance, some things that I would have spilled my guts about have to remain private. Why? Because it's not just my business anymore...it's both mine and Justin's. I have to be careful how much I share, because I can't compromise the confidentiality between husband and wife.

Justin seems to be untouched by the anti-social bug. He still hangs out with his guy friends, goes places, etc. I don't want to be creeper wife that doesn't have her own life, so I need to get my butt in gear! Any tips on how to break this lack of desire to put on jeans and walk out the door???

Stronger than Yesterday

2011-11-07T13:37:00.000-08:00

Britney Spears sure had the right idea when she wrote that song. Even though it's about not needing a man, the premise sure seems nice: "I'm stronger than yesterday, now it's nothing but my way, my loneliness ain't killing me no more..." This attitude encompasses who I thought I was when I was single. I had to rely on God and on myself; I constantly lived in a "suck it up" mentality, giving off the heir that I didn't care what people thought, and that I could take on the world.
Lately, I've felt anything but strong. I used to think it's because now I finally have someone I can open myself up to, and that my emotions are making up for lost time. But defeat just seems to come so easily. I've become pretty pessimistic--not getting my hopes up because I can't handle disappointment.
With all of the craziness of me passing out last week and doctors trying to figure out what is wrong, I've run the emotional gamut. I've done my best to trust in God, to surrender my worries to Him, but I fear that I've failed somehow. I'm left with a ball of nerves, a disappointment in myself, and a longing to be stronger. I think about Kelley McElreath, how she looked cancer in the face and used every ounce of her journey as an opportunity to provide hope to cancer victims. I see my dad, how his job beats him up daily but he comes home with a smile on his face. I want to BE those people. Not a weeping puddle of self pity and anxiety.
How does one come to this point? What can I do to be stronger? I am afraid to pray for strength, because in my experience God gives you opportunities to be strong...and I really don't want yet another test of my strength.
Any advice? I think that Justin deserves a wife that can stand on her own two feet. Just saying.

Dear Little Dearing

2011-10-12T17:15:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: I am not pregnant. This is something that has just been on my heart a lot.

Dear Baby Dearing,

Right now, in this very moment, I want you to know something.

You. Are. SO. Loved.

As of today, you are only a distant thought. I have no idea when you will come to exist. I don't know if you will be a girl or a boy. I have no idea if you will look like me or like your dad. But I want you to know that I think about you all the time.

I wonder what kinds of things you will enjoy. Will you be a book nerd like me? A sports freak like your dad? I wonder if we will share a pint of ice cream or bake cookies together. I bet that you will be a better cook than me by oh, about age 6. I wonder about your personality. WIll you be chill, or high maintenance? Sorry, but your gene pool does have a SLIGHT bit of spaz in there. Fight it. ;) I hope that you are secure enough in yourself to be silly. Otherwise, you have a long road of your parents embarrassing you by dancing through the aisle of Target or randomly breaking out in song.

I also think about your heart. I hope that you are kind. In my mind, you are the person who is not only a great friend, but someone who shows compassion to others that need it. I hope that you come home from school and ask me how we can help that boy/girl who doesn't have any winter clothes. I also pray for your salvation. I pray that you get to know who Jesus is, that you realize how much He loves you, and that you love Him back. I pray you are a leader, not a follower. I pray that you set a good example, but that you are non judgmental.

I don't know your name, but I want you to know that right now, in this moment, your dad and I love you more than we even understand. Someday, and I don't know when, we will come face to face for the first time.

I can't wait. :)

Love,
Mom

2011-08-30T18:58:00.000-07:00

Wow. Hello, dusty old blog. I have not written anything in months. Well, to fill you in, I've been busy getting married, honeymooning in Antigua, training a new puppy, starting school, and dealing with school craziness. The icing on the cake has been living under the same roof with my amazing husband. He is my biggest fan, and vice versa. Love him.

So, I'm not going to make this long, but I would like to pose a question to my followers, if you are still listening. Earlier in the year I was having crazy panic attacks. I was an emotional wreck. I finally listened to some friends and decided to try some mild anti anxiety pills. Well, after the wedding and into the summer I was doing great. Even right before school, I wasn't stressing. My prescription ran out and I didn't refill it because it is so expensive, and I thought that maybe it was all wedding stuff.

Now, two weeks into school, I feel like I'm on the verge of crying all of the time, I feel defeated at the end of the day for no reason, and I am just having a hard time. Do you think it is just first of school blues, or should I refill the billion dollar bottle?

Dear Husband

2011-06-21T20:46:00.001-07:00

Dear Husband,

I can't believe that as I write this letter, our wedding is in 3(ish) days. I cannot tell you how many times I have written letters over the years to "my future husband," with such a looming anonymity that I thought would never fully become a reality. Yet here we are.

I am changed because of you. You have helped me believe in love. You have showed me how to trust in people, how to completely let go of my pride and insecurity and just be myself, good, bad, and ugly. You have also shown me what it feels like to be loved and accepted despite all three of those things.

You have given me confidence in who God has created me to be. I know now that I can trust the passions and desires of my heart. I never thought that the person in my head that I imagined God sending me would really exist...yet here you are.

You have shown me that miracles do happen. What should have been a fluke blind date has transformed into something eternal. Things like that don't just happen to people. We are some of the few lucky ones. Out of all of the people we could have settled for and been content with, you are my "bullseye", someone who will be my best friend from now until we die.

You tell me how lucky you are. I am the lucky one. I see who you are, what is in your heart, and it is wonderful. Thank you so much for allowing me in and for giving me an opportunity to have the most amazing future I can imagine. I love you so much.

Love,
Your wife (3 ish days)

Dear Anonymous

2011-06-14T22:23:00.000-07:00

Dear Anonymous,

In 10 days, I will be a wife. I will take on a new name, and begin a completely new phase in my life. Guess what? You are not a part of it.
I thought you were a special person. I thought that you thought the same of me. I thought that there would be no way that my life would move in this direction without you somewhere in the picture.
You know what? It's okay. The Caty that you know would probably be trying to nag, call, freak out on you, begging for answers. But I don't need that now. I've come to the conclusion that it was merely a season. If you ever stumble upon this post, you might think that it's about you...but at the same time, I hope that it never even occurs to you that you are Anonymous. Why would it? I find the idea of you piecing it together somewhat offensive. So don't worry. It's not about you.
This is me officially shutting the door. Not slamming it. Just gently moving onto a place where 10th chances don't exist.

-Caty

For the record, when I started writing this letter, I had one person in mind. When I finished it, I realized I was talking to someone else. Weird. Does that make me schizophrenic?

Mrs. Dearing, Anxiety, and Earmuffs

2011-06-14T22:04:00.000-07:00

I apologize to the 26 followers I have for being MIA lately. It has been crazy, what with moving, the end of school, and yes, planning a wedding. Since it is summer and my sleep schedule is absolutely whack, I'm going to spend some late night reflection time here with you, processing all of this stuff.

I am super excited about getting married. I cannot believe it is only in 10 days. I will no longer be a Skinner. I am surprisingly okay with that...I always thought it would be this huge "surrendering my identity" thing...but really, I feel like my personality, my crazies, everything that makes me a "Skinner" will not only stay intact, but be protected and encouraged by my future hubs. I look forward to being a married couple, to people not asking us anymore about how we like being engaged, and am just ready for normalcy! This year has been the absolute best year of my life, but we have encountered some real roller coasters. At least now, when things like anxiety hits, we don't have to go it alone. J, I love you and can't imagine any happier of a life than one spent with you. 10 days. Get excited.

Update on the anxiety...it's been interesting but things have been somewhat better. I've only had 3 panic attacks in about a 6 week span, which is a huge improvement. Lately anxiety has manifested itself in a LOT of stomach aches and issues that go with that. I also have hormones that think they are jumping beans. It's a wild ride in this head of mine! But I think that the rest of the summer will lend itself as an opportunity to wind down and really get some needed veg out time. I can still use any prayer that you want to throw my way, and I appreciate those of you who have really encouraged me through this yuckiness.

Lastly...I've taken a somewhat apathetic turn the past couple of weeks regarding my usual opinionated thoughts. I'm hoping it's a phase. I am doing the best I can to put my "earmuffs" on so to speak and just go about my business. I was all psyched up to write a post on gossip because I've been reading some Scripture about the power of words and was all sorts of fired up, but I really feel like God is just telling me to shut up at the moment. So consider this as me minding my own business and not adding my 2 cents in as of late.

10 days! Caty Dearing. Caty Dearing. Still not used to it.

Battlefield

2011-04-24T19:00:00.000-07:00

It feels weird to be blogging again. I had been doing so well and keeping up with everything, but this month has been, to say the least, interesting.

This morning I went to the 12 o' clock Easter service for our church. I intended to go to the 9, but I didn't hear my alarm and woke up at approximately 10:45. Sitting in the back, hoping that no one was noticing my thrown together outfit and unwashed hair, I sat and listened to Paul preach about what relational rescue truly is. As he was talking, something clicked in my heart and I knew he was preaching those words for me. He began to talk about what it means to keep God at the center of your life. Since I became I Christian, I have loved Jesus and really tried to live for Him. But something has shifted in the past year that has made it very difficult.

I fell in love.

God has blessed Justin and I with a relationship that rivals any I've ever seen...no offense, but we have something special. ;) I've never been able to rely on anyone in that way, and I am finally in a place that I trust him to take care of me. However, in doing so, I think that I have shifted most of my love and affection towards him away from God. Instead of just adding to it, I've replaced it. I feel very distant from God, even when I'm praying all the time and "trying" so hard to listen.

The sermon this morning talked about what life looks like with God in the center, and I realized that both Justin and I need to be better about doing this. I do not want to wake up one day and have both of us resent each other for being needy or dependent. I have to be able to stand on my own two feet, proclaiming and believing that God is enough for me, and that Justin is my gift, my added bonus.

I'm committing to start a new devotional, because as much as I used to study the Bible, I absolutely suck lately at committing to read chapters of it. I'm going to go through a Battlefield of the Mind devotional, and meditate on those Scriptures plus any other ones that God lays on my heart. Please pray for me that I will stick to this commitment and give my heart back to Jesus where it belongs. I need strength to fight Satan off, because he has slowly infiltrated my thoughts and my actions, and I'm sick of it, darnit!!!

On a side note, I am so ready for marriage. In my heart, we are already there. Thank you Lord for giving me someone to share life with forever.

Crazies-revised

2011-04-06T20:46:00.000-07:00

Since posting this afternoon, a miracle is happened.

I got pissed.

I'm done letting Satan steal my joy.
I'm finished letting him make me feel sorry for myself.
I'm done making excuses of why it's okay for me to feel depressed.
I'm over blaming it on my job, on my stress levels, on my medication...
In the name of Jesus, I am through with you, Satan.
Get the hell out of my life, and go to hell where you belong.

The Crazies

2011-04-06T17:31:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder how much babies can understand in their heads. Do they get frustrated when they are hungry and we don't know how to decipher their cries? Are they sitting there thinking "I'M HUNGRY, STUPID!!!" When we start talking baby talk, do they do a mental eye roll on occasion? Is it this frustration that drives them to mastery of language?

I feel like a baby lately. So much has happened since January and it's hard to even know where to begin processing. However, no matter how much I try to talk it out, how much I write, how much I cry, I can't communicate fully how I feel. I can come across as a pansy, a Negative Nancy, or just a jerk. But what I feel is a bad case of crazy.

No matter how much time I have off, I constantly am having panic attacks where I can't breathe and am hysterical. My chest tightens up and I can't get control of myself. I'm crying all the time. I'm feeling like I'm treading water, that I can't ever get control of my emotions and that I'm burdening everyone by not being normal. I'm so tired all the time.

This week I've hit a new phase...pulling away. I'm tired of being the beat down, so it's easier to just not go there, to not see people, to not rehash for what feels like the billionth time that I'm struggling. No, I don't know why. No, I don't know what I'm so worried or anxious about. I am still thinking rational thoughts when my body starts rebelling against me. So instead, I've found myself becoming distant with everyone lately.

I'm not really looking for a response, just wanting an outlet and a disclaimer. Yes, I'm aware. No, I don't understand it. Yes, I'm sorry that I've not been there for a lot of people. I'm trying to trust in God's sovereignty and the peace that passes understanding. I'm praying for it.

Emotional Promiscuity

2011-03-02T19:51:00.000-08:00

Society tends to divide a person's sexual experiences into extremes. We are weighed, measured, and heaped into one of two categories, first of which is the "prude." For a woman, this usually is associated with virginity, but it can become so much more than that. For some reason, being disassociated with sex before marriage has such a negative connotation. There's "something wrong" with her, they whisper. However, the other extreme is frowned upon just as much, if only by other audiences. This woman is the "slut." Sleeps with whomever, shows her stuff, makes dirty jokes. All women seem to fall into one of these categories. One never really gossips about the girl who "has some sex, she probably likes it when she has it, only with serious relationships..." It's always either ripping a girl to shreds because of her lack of bumping and grinding, or looking with disgust as we imagine Jane Doe humping an entire army of men without blinking an eye. Sex has so much to do with how we think, how we interact with others. It's one of the main ways that we size each other up, and often how we judge others (albeit wrong to do so). 21st century culture is immersed in sexual under(and over)tones, which leads me to my thought bubble of the day; does promiscuity stretch beyond the bedroom?

Promiscuity is characterized as casual, indiscriminate. When we use the word, we are referring to the act of having casual sex with no real boundaries, rules, or moral code. Timbaland seeks the affections of the "Promiscuous Girl" in da club, knowing that if he's wanting to get some, she is the one putting out. I have seen this attitude destroy such lovely people. Somewhere in the mix of it all, it seems that self-worth becomes lost in translation and is replaced with a sense of indifference. Here me when I say that I'm not trying to be judgmental and say that because I have chosen the path of the "prude" that I think I am somehow more superior and knowledgeable about life. Quite the opposite, actually. Whereas I am not promiscuous in my sex life, I do tend to display a type of emotional looseness in my day to day life.

Lately, I've noticed that my emotions are ALL OVER THE PLACE. Like, crazy lady style. I feel anxious, excited, sad, nervous, hopeful, grateful, afraid, worried, angry...all at once. I pride myself in thinking that I am a genuine and real person; that if someone asks me how my day is going, and it absolutely sucks, I will be the last to say "Oh, hunky dorey, couldn't be better!" Instead I'll briefly explain that it's not my favorite day, but I'll survive. Honesty is good, right??? However, I feel that lately I've kind of lost control. To anyone that asks, I'll spew forth a fountain of feelings. I'll shed some tears. I'll get fired up and talk more loudly than I should. I'll laugh uncontrollably. It's an emotional overdose.

I approach relationships in the same way. I realized last weekend through some unfortunate events that I put waaaaay too much of myself into all facets of my life: my students, my acquaintances, even people who I don't know well at all. I allow myself to be not just hurt, but brutally wounded simply because of my stray emotions.

It's casual. It's random. It's done without a thought or care in the world. I'm an emotional slut.

Can one go backwards here? If we are talking sex, there is no way to return to the virginal disposition once established as a fallen woman. I've been whoring out my feelings for so long...can I go back to containing them like normal?

Just some late night thoughts from a very tired (and very sore) girl.

20 Day Challenge- Day 12

2011-02-25T19:15:00.000-08:00

Musical group/person that is not very well known worldwide.

Brandi Carlile was introduced to me by a friend who was helping me think of something to sing/play at an open mic night for a coffee shop. Brandi's lyrics are so very raw, and her guitar playing inspired me to at least try to learn more songs/chords. I've been to 3 of her concerts and love her stage personality and awesome talent. She is very underrated because of how indie she is, and that she can't be categorized as country or folk or easy listening because she is all over the place. Love her.

20 Day Challenge- Day 11

2011-02-25T19:09:00.000-08:00

Picture of a celebrity from your favorite TV show.

With the exception of Season 5, I love Dexter. It's the show I most look forward to. I'm also addicted to True Blood, Sex and the City, etc. but Dexter is a show I not only own but will watch any episode again and again. I highly recommend Dexter to anyone who likes mysteries, dark humor, and fake Cuban accents.

20 Day Challenge- Day 10

2011-02-25T16:09:00.000-08:00

Favorite Country Singer/Band

It was a tie between Miranda Lambert and Zac Brown Band. But I gotta go with my girl Miranda. I love jamming to her when I'm driving a long distance, cleaning my house, really anytime. Her newest album is excellence, and she is very "true to country" which I like. :)

20 Day Challenge- Day 9

2011-02-24T15:40:00.000-08:00

Celebrity who I would be friends with...

I. LOVE. EMMA. STONE. She is so funny! I think that if she is anything like the character she plays in Easy A, we would get along great. She seems very sarcastic and down to earth, which are two qualities that I need in people in order to really click with them. I think we would have a grand time! The only issue with her is that I'd have to collect my fiance's drool anytime she was around.

20 Day Challenge- Day 8

2011-02-24T15:34:00.000-08:00

Favorite Disney Star...

I don't really watch Disney. I don't know names of a lot of Disney stars. So my default fav Disney star is Audree's cousin Cody Linley. I just decided to throw my support in that direction!

20 Day Challenge- Day 7

2011-02-22T19:25:00.000-08:00

Celebrity I'd like to change lives with.....

Seriously. She is gorgeous. She writes songs for a living. She's innocent and sweet as all get out and gets to basically live her dream and inspire people for the rest of her life. If I could have any job in the world, it would be singer/songwriter. I love me some Taylor Swift, and any haters can kiss my booty.

20 Day Challenge- Day 6

2011-02-21T20:57:00.000-08:00

With which celebrity would you want to do a makeout scene with?

Random choice:

This is Jeffery Dean Morgan. Looks a lot like Javier Bardem but IS NOT HIM.

In P.S. I Love You, Hilary Swank goes to Ireland. Meets this guy with all his Irish tats and guitar in a pub. Does him. He is charming. Funny. And hot. And has an accent. Who can blame me?

20 Day Challenge- Day 5

2011-02-19T21:12:00.000-08:00

Whose hair would I want???

After seeing her newest movie, my decision became a no brainer. I LOVE me some Jenn Aniston. :)

I have used Jennifer as my hair model since the 8th grade when she sported "The Rachel." I've brought her pictures into hairdressers to get those awesome sunkissed highlights. She is just gorgeous! She always looks like she just wakes up and looks awesome. I probably told Justin 3 times during that movie that I wanted my hair to look like that.

20 Day Challenge- Day 4

2011-02-18T16:30:00.001-08:00

Favorite Rapper.

I might as well copy and paste Justin's Day 4. Eminem is my guilty pleasure. I have loved him, even his crappier stuff. His newest CD is absolute greatness! I can't pick a favorite. I can't wait for the sequel song to "Love the Way You Lie." Eminem, you rock.

20 Day Challenge- Day 3

2011-02-18T15:25:00.000-08:00

Celebrity that you would go gay for.

If I had to kiss a girl, and it was Katy Perry, I just might like it. LOL. I love that Katy Perry doesn't follow typical fashion rules. She wears what she wants, styles her hair like she wants, etc. and still looks fabulous. She doesn't try to change the world with her music and instead creates fun music that make for great road trips and workouts. I think she's HOT and would be so much fun to hang out with!

20 Day Challenge- Day 2

2011-02-18T15:15:00.000-08:00

Celebrity you would marry if you had a shot.

Oh Gerard. How I love thee.

I've been in love with the blogger of Fire or Knife for almost a year. But before I met Mr. Dearing, I had a small part of my heart dedicated to Gerard Butler. The accent, the ruggedness, the cutesy jokes and smile...sigh. He suckered me in Phantom of the Opera when I learned he could sing, then the combination of loving husband in P.S. I Love You to a lovable douchebag in The Ugly Truth made me all week in the knees.

Close seconds: Michael C. Hall (until his marital fiasco) and Josh Hamilton

Day 1: Blog Photo Challenge

2011-02-18T15:00:00.000-08:00

My man has been on my case because I haven't blogged in almost a month. So due to the fact that I'm flu-ridden at the moment and actually have time to play with this, I'm going to do the 20 day challenge. I might do several today because I'm BORED OUT OF MY MIND. Having a fever isn't conducive to social interaction. So, here we go:

Day 1: Picture of your favorite band.

This might seem really random because I rarely talk about them, but if I'm looking at my overall fav band, I have to say Shane and Shane. These guys first got me back on Christian music, and I was obsessed with them in college. I play guitar because of Shane and Shane. If I could go to a concert of theirs, I might pee myself. There are a couple of bands right now that are in the running for fav band (Mumford and Sons in particular) but I haven't liked them long enough to consider them my favorite.

Benchmarks, iPods, and Peace of Mind

2011-01-26T19:56:00.000-08:00

I am pretty sure that my posts as of late have served as a sort of emotional compass as to where I am in my life right now. My emotions come and go in waves...every now and then I will feel as though I have bitten off more than I can chew, which leads almost immediately to a downward spiral in which I feel as though I am good at nothing and might as well join Ted Williams in his side road sign holding, hoping for someone's generosity and pity. Yes, it can be that drastic. ;)

Unfortunately, perfectionism is something that is ingrained so deeply within me that it proves extremely difficult to root out. This feeling of not being good enough combined with the guilt of worrying when Jesus tells me not to...well, it's just not fun for anyone around me. I don't want to be my own friend in that moment, let alone dump it on anyone else.

So, this whole "getting married/sharing your soul/becoming one" thing is not super conducive to holding it all in. Justin knows how to read me like an open book, which is super frustrating at times. The past few weeks he has seen me slowly tense up, recoiling like a snake, ready to explode at any moment. And I have. Often. Random things sending me into bursts of tears, all based on my worry and frustration at the lack of effort shown by my students. My little ones have so much on their plate, and to be honest, it hurts my heart every day. 9 year olds should not have to deal with what they do...and it's hard to leave that at school.

So, Sunday night rolls around, and I start getting anxious. As the night progresses, I can't stop thinking about the next day, worrying and stewing over what could happen and if I am prepared enough, will I get my evaluation, etc. In the car, it all comes to a boiling point and I start silently crying to myself. Justin looks over at me, asks me if I'm crying...I say no, he says "Liar," then plugs his iPod in. I look at him strangely, because I'm not hearing Mumford and Sons, our new favorite...it's worship music. The song "Lead Me to the Cross." Poignant? Yes. Suddenly, that's not the only voice I hear. He's singing. No, he's worshiping.

I think it might have been the most beautiful thing that I have ever seen. My fiance loves God so much that he trusts Him to take care of me when he no longer knows what to do. We both held hands and sang the rest of the way home, once we pulled into the driveway, he took my other hand and prayed over me/us. It was then that I felt my peace begin to come back.

I am so thankful for the opportunities that God has given Justin to lead me. Maybe this is what all of my craziness has been about...showing him that he is going to be such a wonderful husband and father. I cannot even fathom how lucky I am...and I am so grateful that his love for me is merely a speck in comparison with God's overwhelming love and peace. Thank you, Lord, for unforeseen chances to learn.

A Cluttered Heart Gets a Visit

2011-01-17T19:34:00.000-08:00

Welcome, Lord.
Pull up a chair, sorry for the mess.
It's been a while since I let you visit my heart.
Yes, I have changed the decor, thanks
for noticing.
....
Oh, not a compliment? No matter, I'll just go on.
It's not every day I get a visit from You.
No, I didn't hear you knocking yesterday.
Or the day before that.
Or the day before that.
Funny...must have had my inner monologue turned up
too loud. Bought it on iTunes.
All it cost me was $Pride, $Worry, and a touch of
$Insecurity.
Not Your cup of tea, Lord? Sure, I don't mind turning it down.
Like I said, You are the guest of honor.
It's not every day I get...right, moving on.
....
Truth is, I'm kind of embarrassed.
I was planning on cleaning up before you came.
That huge stack of "body issues" in the corner?
That was going to disappear once I got my butt in the gym.
When? Tomorrow. It's all planned out for tomorrow.
Yes, I have said that before. But that was before.
Back to the mess...sorry again.
And I had planned on dusting off all of those "worry thoughts"
so that they would not look so, well, worrisome.
I keep them nice and neat, framed up on my wall so that
I can see them at all times.
I arrange them by whatever seems most pertinent.
What? You've never seen them? But they are right there, Lord.
Displayed. Arranged. Yes, they are in the corner, but
that is where I like them. No need for everyone to know.
I do have an image to keep, after all.

So, I guess You know that I'm getting married.
See? There's his hand right there, holding onto my heart.
Right where Yours used to be...wait.
Where did Your hand go?
I'm confused.
I see Your hands holding onto his heart so tightly.
I see Your presence radiating from his inner being.
He feels You. But so do I...so where is Your handprint on me?

How have I allowed myself to clutter up the heart that belongs to You?
How have I held on to the troubles of this world that You've begged me to surrender?
How have I lost touch with the intimacy that comes from doing each day with You by my side?
I feel closer to You in theory, but inside, I realize that I've replaced love with love.
I've never been good at sharing my heart. But I know that, by giving You it all, I am only more free to love others.
Right now, my love comes with a tax: the baggage that I carry around.
Oh, how I long to love freely. To let it all go and run to You.
....
What? You'll stay a while and help me clean up the place?
Sounds like a perfect start.

My Most Honest Post Yet...Insecure Much?

2011-01-10T20:49:00.000-08:00

It is hard for anyone, let alone a woman, to let her guard down in a public forum. I am no exception to this rule. Only those closest to me know the deep desires, fears, and other beatings of my heart. I try to be vulnerable to a certain extent, but most people do not see what goes on behind the curtain. Well, for the past couple of months, I have slowly realized a huge struggle that I have, that I haven't really worried about since college. I am finding that the more I try to strategize about this issue, the worse it gets until it permeates my other relationships and reaps destruction. This, my friends, is the demon that is otherwise known as INSECURITY.

I am a fairly independent person who does not enjoy showing weakness. After a situation in college in which I was berated and discouraged constantly, I faced the task of allowing God to build me back up. By this time last year, I was in an extremely healthy mental state of relying on God for my emotional needs, disciplining my body into healthy habits, etc. With the combination of teaching again and suddenly having a boyfriend, I allowed myself to slack off on all of my disciplines I had developed, leaving me beginning 2011 now as a heavy-feeling, worrisome mess at times.

I don't blame Justin at all for this transition. Honestly, I think it shows me that I was doing a lot of what I did for the wrong reasons...to prove to myself and to the world that I was fine on my own. Now I am not on my own anymore...and it becomes easy to let another person bear the brunt of your load. And I am guilty of that. Lucky for me, I'm marrying a man who knows my heart and does not resent me for this. But it must be exhausting at times. So, I have decided to lay everything out on the line in hopes that it will provide me with the accountability and motivation to begin anew and to fight these insecurities with truth and dedication.

I am bigger than I have ever been. It has gone from a controlled weight gain to an inability to wear anything without feeling self-conscious. I stopped working out as much when school started, and after hurting myself in November have been on a workout freeze while my back was getting fixed. I go to restaurants thinking consciously to eat healthily, then order recklessly without a second thought. I am unhappy when I look in the mirror, and am terrified that I am going to look back on pictures of my wedding/honeymoon and be embarrassed. It is completely mental. You can say, "you know what to do...do it!" and I agree. But there is something that makes it so much harder, and I don't know why. It worries me that I can't get myself under control. Maybe that is another lesson God is teaching me, not sure.

I also worry that I will not be a good wife; that is, good enough for Justin. I love that man so much and believe that he deserves the best possible in life. Lately, I run through scenarios in my head of all of the things I need to be perfect at when we get married, and I fail even in my head. Seriously...it's ridiculous. What a slap in God's face. When we allow insecurity to rule our lives, like it is mine at the moment, it's basically saying that God made a mistake in loving us like He did. What a wasted sacrifice if we are worth nothing! God loves me so much and is in awe of my beauty (Zephaniah 3:17).

I know this is more of a ramble than a post, but I want to encourage you to be honest with yourself about where you are regarding worry, fear, and insecurity. Then, let's decide to make a change.

2010 "Wrap Up"- White Christmas lessons

2010-12-23T20:52:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite movies of all time, and definitely my favorite Christmas movie, is the film White Christmas starring Bing Crosby and Rosemary Clooney. Every year, we watch it as a family at my mom's house on Christmas Eve, and have even performed musical numbers from it:

White Christmas movie poster:

About midway through the film, Bing and Rosemary sing a duet called "Counting Your Blessings." The message of this song has really stuck with me this holiday season. For some reason, I haven't felt the oober giddiness that I usually feel around Christmas time. I haven't felt the need to go out and buy new Christmas decorations, or go light looking EVERY night, or buy 4 Christmas albums (I only bought 1 this year)...I've just been going with the flow. It was kind of bothering me a bit. Here I am, known to my friends as the Spirit of Christmas Cheer, and I'm acting more like the Grinch or something. But it dawned on me the other day at Salvation Army why that's the case.

Justin and I went with some people from Ben Barber to the Salvation Army warehouse to help give the Angel Tree presents to the families. Justin got stuck on parking duty, and my job was to take the numbered form from the family, roll my shopping cart to the box that matched the number, and get the presents from the box to the tables for the families to "check out." However, there were more than a couple of boxes:

We were there for a little over 3 hours helping out. There were families there serving with their kids, and people just by themselves wanting to help out. I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed at just how blessed I am in this season of my life.

This year has been an absolute whirlwind. I went from single and jobless last year to engaged and loving my job. I have had resolution in some major conflict, I've made some amazing friendships, and I've gained an entire family of more people who love me. There is no way to put into words what I feel that I owe God. And the crazy part is is that He doesn't ask for anything in return...such is grace. In Christmases past, I think that I've been so "Christmasy" in order to compensate for some of the uncertainty and loneliness I've felt. But this year, I feel extremely content and at peace. I feel like I can appreciate the reason for the season, which is Jesus.

If you are tired of the commercialism of Christmas, or are discouraged in any way, I challenge you to count your blessings tonight before you go to sleep. I'm saying a prayer for you as I type, that you will be able to experience the magic of love and togetherness this Christmas, wherever you are. :)

Dexterific or Dexaster? Thoughts on the Season 5 FInale

2010-12-12T20:39:00.000-08:00

If you are an individual who spends a significant amount of time with me, you probably are aware of a few things. 1) Sometimes I try out Harry Potter spells to see if they work, especially if I don't want to get out of bed to turn the light off. 2) My goal in social encounters is for people to have no idea that I'm as much of a prude as I really am, and 3) I have not only an obsession, but an emotional attachment to the Showtime series Dexter, a crime drama highlighting a serial killer as a dark type of anti-hero, morally thinning the population one kill table at a time.

Maybe it's Dexter's constant struggle of right vs. wrong, perhaps it's some kind of twisted violent voyeurism, or maybe I just like getting into Dexter's head...but this show has been my favorite television series since its first season in 2006. I was watching the moment when Dexter remembered his mother's murder, as well as when he discovered his long lost brother, "Biney." My dad and I used to watch it together every Sunday after I graduated from college and moved back to Mansfield. This year, I watched alongside my fiance, who became a fan of the show when Season 3 was rolling. Tonight, we left small group feeling extremely angsty, rushing back to the house in order to get comfy and watch what I expected to be an EPIC end to Season 5. As the credits rolled, however, I looked over at my Media Hero and said one word: "LAME."

Immediately upon putting my opinion out into cyberspace, I think I was placed into the category of "Lumen-hater." I feel the need to explain myself, maybe even backtrack a little into Season 4 in order to explain my feelings about the end of the season...simply because I don't like being misunderstood. Sure, if we were going to go all Twilight up in this hizzy, I'd be Team Rita over Team Lumen, hands down. I loved what Rita did for him, and I love the life that Dexter could have had, and indeed wanted. Having watched his transformation and his love for his wife grow over the years, it horrified me to see Rita sitting in a bathtub of blood this time last year. EVEN SO....though I cry EVERY time I watch that episode (ask Justin), I was blown away by the amount of possibilities that presented itself with her death.

I spent the summer discussing with different people all of the directions that the show could take, but the one constant consensus I found was that the show could not last more than a couple more seasons. Dexter has been cutting it close over and over and over, and it's becoming less and less believable that he can once again get away. As Season 5 began, I felt that this was the direction it was going.

As much as I love Rita, I have actually enjoyed Lumen this season. I think that she filled a very necessary void in Dexter's life, and they helped each other become whole again. That said, I went into this episode praying that she wouldn't die. Not so much out of me liking her, but I can't imagine what that would do to Dexter. And here is where I'll start hammering out my dislikes for the episode. There were many scenarios in which Lumen could live and the show would still maintain some kind of suspense. Lumen could have taken the fall. Someone could have found Liddy's pictures at the end. Etc. Etc. But no...here they have this beautifully preserved relationship, one that obviously has people invested in it, and they end it just as swiftly as it began. The entire process of Dexter learning to trust again, to share...it's gone just as swiftly as it came. What annoys me is that it took about 2 minutes to dismantle. "Hey there Dexter, you have spent months helping me track down my rapists and kill all of the men that tortured me...and that's really great and all, but I'm kind of over that. I don't want to kill people any more, and you do...so this isn't going to work out, mmmmmkkkkbye." Yes, I know it was much sweeter than that, but the sweetness of the moment was lost to me in what I feel was a huge scripting mistake. Each season is starting to feel like a pattern. Some new person, whether it be villain or lover, is introduced, they are featured all season, and in the end they die or disappear. If this is what is going to be happening, then why do I even bother getting into the show? If the producers are going to just tie a pink bow on everything, then what's the point of creating that suspense up?

I use the pink bow analogy because I think that, overall, everything wrapped up way too neatly. This episode had so many possibilities: Quinn going down for Liddy's murder and spending next season hashing it out with Dexter, and all the drama that goes with that. Deb finding the pictures of Dex and Lumen and starting to put the puzzle pieces together. Dexter and Lumen teaming up as some kind of dynamic duo...but all of the crazy plot lines that had me on the edge of my seat were summed up in a neat little 10 minutes. Deb lets the vigilantes go (which I actually don't mind too much), Lumen decides she's done killing and is gone forever, Batista and La Guerta are suddenly married and happy again, Dexter returns Deb's favor and fudges Quinn's bloodwork, suddenly Quinn doesn't hate Dexter anymore, and oh, Harrison is one and Astor and Cody are coming back for the summer, and OH MY GOSH IT'S A DOUBLE RAINBOW ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE SKY, WHAT DOES THIS MEAN??????? .......ugh........

I understand that anything would have paled in comparison with last season's finale. But there could have been something, anything, to leave me on the edge of my seat for next season. But now the Dexter peeps have given themselves the freedom to basically start from scratch...again. I am going to watch the ep a couple more times, and I'm hoping I'll be able to edit some of this blog. But right now, I'm pretty darn disappointed.

Things that are Bad Ideas....

2010-12-01T19:35:00.000-08:00

1. Planning anything involving Dallas traffic on a weekday
2. Eating 3 Thanksgiving meals the week before your engagement pictures
3. Budgeting so tightly to buy new vehicle/Christmas presents that you have nothing left over for new clothes for said engagement pictures
4. Planning appointments directly after school three days in a row so that no grading whatsover gets done
5. Leaving your school bag in your fiance's truck
6. Doing 4 loads of laundry with the hopes that you will fold it during the week...thus resulting in a HUGE pile of clean clothes on the side of the bed you don't sleep on
7. Looking at pictures of you in an outfit you could have sworn you looked great in and noticing that your arms resemble a massive boa constrictor
8. After attempting #7, trying to put together engagement outfits that make your arms seem less gargantuan and realizing it's a futile attempt at best
9. Complaining about fatty feelings on Facebook
10. Writing a blog about why you are being a waaah waaah baby

Reaching My LImit

2010-11-16T21:22:00.001-08:00

There is really no cutesy way to begin this post. I'm not writing to discuss a point or explore a thought or issue...I'm writing in order to find some kind of catharsis, some point of calm in the madness. I know "Get Real Monday" has already come and gone, but today I've reached my maximum capacity and I feel like I'm going to internally combust. Not out of anger, but just out of sheer lack of ability to deal. I am going to have to filter a little bit, of course, but here's the general gist.
If you are a blog stalker and have read some of my posts from last year, then you know my story. You know what I've struggled with and how far God has brought me, and my "elevated Ebenezers," the reason for my blog title, that I reflect on regarding how God has been faithful to me. He has taken me out of my lowest point and given me a future and a hope, a joy that only He can provide. Right now, I am in the happiest possible season of my life. Satan, the enemy, comes to "steal, kill and destroy" and the more blessings I notice in my life, the more I see Satan attacking my heart and trying to steal my joy. It sucks.
In the past couple of months, things have been stacking up emotionally for me. There's family stuff, social stuff, work stuff (all of which are very generalized for a purpose). I am so physically down on myself and how I look, but my mind will not cooperate with my body enough to make a serious change. Then let's add some sexual tension in the mix (yeah, I said it) and it's just enough to send all of these emotions spilling out. I go from seeming very easygoing and fun to a freaking weeping willow who seriously can't get control of herself.
I'm a control freak. And in each area of life that is hurting, I have zero control. I feel so helpless and weak. I feel as though I've let God down by not going to Him. I feel like I'm letting Justin down by not being stronger, even though I know that's stupid. Tonight in the midst of a slightly emotional conversation the floodgates just burst forth, and I still have not regained full control of my tearducts. This was an hour ago. My eyes are so swollen. Because I have no choice but to compartmentalize my life, and I honestly don't have time to clean out the cabinets in my kitchen, let alone my heart.
I'm reminded of a verse in Psalms, "I lift my eyes up to the hills. Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth." I've honestly forgotten how to ask. I've forgotten how to listen. and I've forgotten how to receive. In 3 days, Thanksgiving break will be here. I will be able to allow myself to begin the process of digging through and healing from some of this baggage. Please pray that I can surrender my whole heart to Christ and that I can gain a sense of peace in all of this madness. As far as Satan goes? He can go straight back to hell where he came from.

With a Thankful Heart

2010-11-12T18:58:00.000-08:00

I have been keeping track of people's various "thankfuls" on Facebook this month. This is probably the first year that I haven't done my own, and sadly it's because I forgot until I saw all of the other ones on Facebook and I hate being the one to jump onto the bandwagon. But I do need to articulate how truly grateful I am. There are no words to express how happy and full my heart feels, so I'll let some pictures describe it for you:

Yes, I am engaged. Looking back on some of my posts from a year ago, it's surreal to see how God has blessed me. I remember my first date with Justin. I was so nervous. I did not know how to handle it when he texted me before I even got home wanting to hang out again. You know that feeling where you are just waiting for the catch? That was me. Now, here I stand, engaged to the most wonderful, character-filled, kindhearted man that I know.

In church last Sunday, I looked over at my fiance during worship time and watched him sing to God. In that moment, I felt so blessed. Who am I to deserve to have what I have? In the past year, God has given me a partner in life, a new family, a fantastic job and closer relationships to people I love. It's overwhelming to know that my future is so bright. I can trust Justin to be the leader in our family, and I know that my kids will be raised to love Jesus because their parents have committed to do so forever.

Anyway, again, words can't express my gratitude this year. Probably the most meaningful Thanksgiving to me so far in life.

A Doozy of a Day

2010-10-26T18:37:00.000-07:00

I have not blogged in over a month. That alone should tell you how life has been lately. Things have been a whirlwind! I am now engaged to a wonderful man, which I will dedicate an entire post to AS SOON AS MY FIANCE LOADS THE ENGAGEMENT PICTURES...cough cough!!! But for now, I'm going to blab a bit about my job.

Coming from teaching high school as well as Success, I NEVER could have imagined the work load of teaching elementary. When I taught 11th grade, I had a definite rhythm down by this time in the semester. I walked into school familiar with my curriculum and fairly confident of what I was doing. Granted, I HATED the discipline issues...hence, why I don't teach high school anymore. But I had my modifications down, my alternate assignments, etc.

Now, I am finishing the 10th week of school, and just had probably the worst day I've had all year. Something happened today that basically felt like the straw breaking my back. Everything that I had going that felt slightly "rhythmic" is changing and my 3rd grade world is turned upside down. I am going to have to start staying late again for a while, going back to the basics of planning everything one day at a time. Tonight, I would love to be looking at/working on wedding stuff. But I'm sitting here all tensed up, worried about tomorrow. I've gone from thinking I know what to expect, to not having a clue.

I also feel a good cry accumulating. I cry a lot more now that I have a teaching job...bless Justin's heart. I used to think I was super tough and didn't cry EVER, but I was very wrong. Now, it will start storing up and just break out at random times. I have the emotions of a pregnant woman (don't worry guys, that's a non-issue). It's annoying. I'm a control freak and would like to feel that I at least have control of myself.

I find myself not even praying about the situation. Honestly, the first thing I wanted to do when I got out of school today was find somewhere with super strong margaritas (which I didn't get to do because of Math Night at our school), not take all of this to the Lord in prayer. I don't even know what to say. I feel stupid. I feel inadequate. I feel like I should be able to handle 8 year olds without letting their behavior and lives affect me so.

Please say a little prayer for me, that I can still show love, light, and truth to these little ones, that I can have never ending patience, and that a sense of peace and calm would instill itself over my classroom.

And that I don't lose my mind. ;)

Friday Five

2010-09-24T21:49:00.000-07:00

1. Scarves bring me a type of joy that not many people can understand. Now that it is fall, I will wear them regardless of the temperature. All colors. I also am excited that I can bring my purple leather jacket out of retirement soon. It's the little things that make me happy.

2. There is absolutely no way for me to finish a day in my 3rd grade classroom without having said at least once, "SERIOUSLY????"

3. Sundays are my absolute favorite days ever. Especially this Sunday. I get to sing at church, go watch my man play baseball at LAGRAVE FIELD like a BOSS, and get to go to what will end up being my favorite community group ever: "Before It Hits the Fan." WIN.

4. I feel like I perpetually have other things on my mind than what I should be thinking about. I'm distracted by things that I'm looking forward to rather than things that are at hand. The older I get, the more I'm convinced that I have ADD.....SQUIRREL!

5. I am in love with the most wonderful man I've ever met.

Selfishness and the Church

2010-09-20T04:18:00.000-07:00

The dialogue/debate long occurring between established traditional churches and what many refer to as the "emergent church movement" continues to turn heads and raise many questions regarding not only Christian worship, but Christianity itself. Many of you know that my experience in church extends to both. I grew up Southern Baptist, went to a Baptist university, and now attend a non-denominational church that meets in a middle school. I am always attentive to news and comments regarding not only the differences and conversations between the two, but the global commentary on Christianity as a whole.

I have been awake since 2:30 am due to stupid fever, sore throat, chills, and achy disgustingness. So of course, what better to do than Twitter/Facebook stalk? Creepy, yet always a good time. I read a string of tweets from a friend of a friend this morning that spurred my thoughts a bit. This guy is not a believer, but I definitely agree with his over-all world view. The question that prompted in my mind is this: what is it, specifically, that causes some Christians to act the way that they do, thus causing an overall negative perception of the religion in the eyes of the public?

I've blogged about the whole legalism thing for what seems like forever. My soapbox still stands there. However, in listening to the series preached this past month by my pastor, I've tried to look at issues as the stem directly from the heart. Legalism and hatred are deeply rooted somewhere; they do not just appear out of nowhere. And what I believe causes idiocy in the faith is direct selfishness.

I believe that, in any kind of organized religion, there is a sense of pride in which you know in your heart of hearts that your beliefs are correct. You believe, without a shadow of a doubt, that your way is the only way, and depending on what you believe about eternity, there is a sense of urgency in which you try to convince everyone else to believe the same thing. It is because of this that Christians get offended when people argue with them, contradict them, debate them, and slander them. We quote Scripture at those who do not hold the same vantage point we do, and expect them to suddenly see "the light" and join our ranks.

The problem with this? We are more concerned with being right than actually living out our faith.

The entire point of Christ's sacrifice was not for organized religion. It was not for self-righteousness, or for the disciples to say "I told you so!" to the Pharisees. The way in which the Bible was written displays, instead, an attempt at relatability, a desire to make the knowledge and receiving of Christ's love accessible to Jews, Gentiles, anyone who wants the gift. The Gospels are written for varying audiences for this very purpose: so that ALL may know Him.

Is Jesus concerned with being right? Does He cringe when one church tries to worship with an electric guitar and a drum kit instead of a piano? Is He appalled when a Muslim walks through the door in order to simply gather information, or when a homosexual expects to be treated with integrity within the walls of the church? Absolutely not.

I think that we all need to take a good look at the basics. Our world is in crisis. Do I have to agree with everything that everyone says in order to be "tolerant"? Nope. I'm not a robot. I have beliefs, and I have opinions. But the idea of toleration is something that other religions do far better than Christianity. If anyone can show me the good of taking the beautiful words and actions of Jesus and using them for my own political agenda, or to prove a point, please tell me. Because from where I stand, pointing my finger at the wrongs of the world doesn't change anything.

My vision is that we all step down from our soapboxes and get our hands dirty. I want to work alongside people of different beliefs, in a setting in which we respect and appreciate each other as people, regardless of religious differences. I feel that, if Christians could put pride and selfishness aside, we might at least gain the respect of people who don't believe. And for me, that is good enough for now. I know that when I have been hurt by someone, that pain does not go away in the moment in which that person stops acting a fool. Similarly, it takes time for a view point to change. What if we partnered with organizations centered on showing compassion to the world, instead of questioning celebrity charity motives? What if my friends where (gasp) not just Christians? For me personally, that is how I gauge myself. Because I know that I am a human, I sin, and as much as I hate it, selfishness is present in my life. But I know that if I look at my friend pool, and see a variety of beliefs, colors, and walks of life, that I've at least gained the respect of those people as a person.

Do I fall into the category of people who think their way is the "right" way? Sure I do. I believe with all of my heart that Jesus is more than just a man, and that His love has saved me from the darkness that lurks inside my heart. I should not, and do not, feel that I need to apologize for that. I enjoy the right to be heard. But I'm not the only one who has that right.

Let's practice hearing others, caring about who they are instead of what they are labeled. Let's attempt to live out what we believe, rather than proclaiming it from a pulpit. Let's be unapologetic about our faith, but at the same time recognize that faith does not make us "better" or "worse" people; rather, that we are all equal on this earth and it's our job to do what we can to make that life as livable as possible. I believe that the fruits of this labor could in fact begin a change that could shift the worldview of Christianity as a whole, for the better.

My Personal Prayer Requests

2010-09-06T20:49:00.000-07:00

I tend to hold out when it comes to allowing people to pray for me. However, sitting here thinking about all of the things I need to do, I'm overwhelmed and am refusing to be stubborn here. So...if you get the urge to say a few little words directed toward heaven, here are some things I'd really appreciate being lifted up for:

1. Memory retention. Not only am I in graduate school while teaching, but I also am taking the ESL test in a month to add that on to my certification. I have to have it by December and was too busy this summer to take it, so this is my only shot. I need to be able to study for class and remember all of that information, but also study for the ESL test as well as prepping for teaching every day.

2. Personal/Spiritual growth. I tend to put all of that stuff on the back burner while I handle whatever life throws at me. But now that I have another person who is affected by anything going on with me, I feel the need to make it a priority. I want to continue on the path of growing more like Christ, of being less dependent on myself and more dependent on Him to meet my needs. I desire to trust God implicitly with my heart and my life. Including the forgiveness stuff I blogged about earlier.

3. A spirit of calm. I get stressed/overwhelmed easily. Over stupid things. Sometimes it keeps me from sleeping and causes me to panic. This is dumb. I want to get over it. So I'm asking for prayer in that regard as well.

4. My future status as a wife and mom. I find myself daydreaming about those roles a lot lately. I don't know when either of those things will come to pass, but now is a great time to start practicing good things to help me be the best wife and mom that I can be. I've read the book called the Love Dare before, and I want to start putting some of those things into practice with Justin. Trying to show him that I love him in a new way everyday...nothing elaborate, just little things.

I'm pretty sure this encompasses everything right now. If you don't have time, then no worries. But I will accept any and all help in these areas I can get!

Junk in Your Trunk: To Forgive or Not to Forgive?

2010-09-06T07:16:00.000-07:00

The latest series being preached at TCAL is called "U-Haul: Cleaning out the Junk in Your Trunk." Needless to say, it's been a repeated toe-stepping fest. Yesterday, Paul preached on forgiveness. I don't usually think of myself as a grudge-holder. However, it was brought to my attention that there are a lot of people that I'm angry with by default. People who have hurt my loved ones, people that have messed with the lives of people who are important to me. I also tend to blow off the hurts that I receive on a consistent basis, because I don't exactly know how to forgive someone who is still causing me pain.
It's strange to me that I struggle with this, because I've had some positive experiences with forgiveness, one pretty difficult one in particular. So it's not the most fun realization to discover that I still need some major work in forgiving others. I told a friend that I think the easiest way to do this is to make a specific list, not only of who I need to forgive, but of what they have done. Not fun. I repeat...NOT FUN. Not looking forward to it. But it's important to be able to forgive in order to enjoy God's best for me as well as the blessings He's already put in my life...which are so numerous I can't even count.
Not sure why I felt the need to post about it...but I guess it helps to have some accountability in that direction!

Romans 8: Overly Quoted and Misused

2010-08-06T19:41:00.000-07:00

I feel that, out of all of Romans, I am the most familiar with this chapter. It seems like, when tragedy strikes, people like to quote this chapter the most, specifically verse 28. I don't necessarily want to get into the debate of why exactly bad things happen to good people, or how that works, but I've blogged about that before, and you can read it here.

What stood out to me more than the idea of God working out all things for good was what Paul says about trying to conquer the world and sin on our own. In the Message, verses 5-8 really paint an accurate picture:

5-8" Those who think they can do it on their own end up obsessed with measuring their own moral muscle but never get around to exercising it in real life. Those who trust God's action in them find that God's Spirit is in them—living and breathing God! Obsession with self in these matters is a dead end; attention to God leads us out into the open, into a spacious, free life. Focusing on the self is the opposite of focusing on God. Anyone completely absorbed in self ignores God, ends up thinking more about self than God. That person ignores who God is and what he is doing. And God isn't pleased at being ignored."

I had a friend ask me not too long ago why it is so important to be a Christian. This person observed that there are people all over who don't believe in Jesus, and they seem extremely happy. My response to that is, sure. It's possible to be happy without Christ (gasp from all the Southern Baptists). It is. People who aren't Christians don't walk around miserable all the time. The difference, to illustrate from the tattoo on my wrist, is HOPE.

When we live for ourselves, and we let ourselves down, and life happens, and things fall apart, where do we go from there? Without the hope that Christ is my comforter, my peace, my provider and my rock, I cannot stand. Without the idea that this life is not all that there is, I cannot withstand the suffering of this world. Without Him, I am forced to rely on myself and others, both of which are weak and inconstant. It is Jesus that provides us with a future, an "out." No matter how bad life is on earth, it is nothing compared to what eternity looks like without Christ. No matter how wonderful this world seems on our own, it's nothing compared to the riches and beauty that await the believer in heaven.

Earth: storm. Heaven: DOUBLE RAINBOW. ALL THE WAY. (if you haven't seen the youtube video, google it NOW).

Short and Sweet: Romans 7

2010-08-05T20:16:00.000-07:00

So...yes, I read, but I will be honest. I am so tired that I can't even think straight. Some commonly quoted verses are in this chapter, and a lot of it goes along with what I discussed in the past 2 chapters, but I feel like I would be shortchanging the verses if I tried to write an in depth analysis. With my staff retreat today, I got a taste of what it's going to be like when I start my school schedule again. By 9 I was ready for sleep. lol
I'll try to combine some w/ Chapter 8 tomorrow.
xoxoxo

Romans 6: Who/What is my Master?

2010-08-04T20:46:00.000-07:00

As much as I know the importance of context when reading the Bible, sometimes my brain chases a rabbit trail right into the root of a thought or problem going on in my life that is kinda-sorta connected to what Scripture is saying. In Chapter 6, Paul continues the sin/grace comparison in relation to the believer by talking about what controls us. He asks the Romans the rhetorical question of whether or not it is okay to live sinfully because of the grace we received, then answers it with what God has to say about it. What stood out to me here are verses 12-14:

"Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its lusts, and do not go on presenting the members of your body to sin as instruments of unrighteousness: but present yourselves to God as those alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God. For sin shall not be master over you, for you are not under law but under grace." (NASB)

And, for a fresh and more modern perspective, here are the same verses from The Message:

"That means you must not give sin a vote in the way you conduct your lives. Don't give it the time of day. Don't even run little errands that are connected with that old way of life. Throw yourselves wholeheartedly and full-time—remember, you've been raised from the dead!—into God's way of doing things. Sin can't tell you how to live. After all, you're not living under that old tyranny any longer. You're living in the freedom of God."

So I know that this is talking about sin. But the first thing that I think of when I read these verses is my struggle with weight. (I am not one of THOSE girls that sits with a bucket of Blue Bell crying about her weight to anyone who will listen, if you think it's stupid, don't read the blog. Simple.) I am the WORST at staying motivated, no matter what. I've been Turbo certified. I've taught Turbo. I've worked at a gym. I've done meal replacements. I'm a Beachbody coach. I lose 10, then gain it back. Never to I stay consistent for more than a month or two. I will look at pictures of my fitness friends and get so frustrated that I don't look like them, only to forget to work out, eat fried food, and drink soda. Sometimes it really does feel like I am not the master of that area in my life (See? Told ya it was a stretch).

What convicted me is that, while not being fitness queen might not be a sin, the lack of self-control and discipline is. The fact that I cannot deprive myself speaks volumes of a sin that I never really think about. And when I look at other areas of my life, the lack of self-control is sometimes present. Not really with money, I'm not a big spender, but in the lack of patience I've blogged previously about as well as my need for instant gratification, I don't have much self-control. It doesn't feel that free to me.

Not sure how to allow God to be the master of this area of my life. Not sure if this is what He wanted to teach me from this chapter. But at least it has me thinking and evaluating.

P.S. Thank you Kim Fultz for kicking my butt with that comment reminding me to get back to it! I went on like a 3 day hiatus and forgot completely. ;)

Sin vs. Grace: Romans 5

2010-08-03T21:38:00.000-07:00

"When it's sin versus grace, grace wins hands down. All sin can do is threaten us with death, and that's the end of it. Grace, because God is putting everything together again through the Messiah, invites us into life—a life that goes on and on and on, world without end." -Romans 5:20b-21, The Message

I will admit right now that I have already sucked it up big time at this 21 Day Challenge. It's been almost 8 days and I am just now reading the 5th chapter of Romans. My first instinct is honestly to feel like a bad Christian. Why? Because, engrained within me, is this sense of earning salvation, this lack of understanding of what grace means.

Last year, Paul preached a sermon that ignited a fire, taking the spark planted in my heart during college regarding grace and letting it completely consume me. It was a series entitled "Breaking the Rules," and you can download it here by scrolling down to the 3 sermons from March/April of last year with that title. Believing that my acceptance of God's gift of salvation was enough was a hard pill to swallow, especially for a perfectionist like myself. I think that even in my most advanced understandings of grace, I still maintained a pious attitude about service and feared that if I stopped being a Super Christian, I would fall away from the grace given to me.

It means a lot to me to know that, no matter what the circumstance, grace wins. No matter what I have done in the past, do in the present, or are tempted to do in the future, His grace covers me. It is this love that pierces my desire to sin. When I hear about people who are in the midst of struggling to do right, I think that the most necessary action to take is to first try to understand the love of Christ. Because, once you truly see how much Jesus loves you, more than any individual on this earth, the desire to stray away from Him becomes such a distant murmur. Yes, it still exists and occurs, but it no longer drives you.

I feel very blessed to be loved by many people. I have a wonderful family, and a wonderful set of friends. I have a great church, and a man who I am in love with, and loves me back. Taking all of this into consideration, the love I receive from all of these individuals is a speck, a fragment of the love that God has showered over me in the death of His Son. How can I help but be radically changed?

I would like for people reading this to take a bit of a self-assessment as well as an assessment of me, simply for accountability purposes. Ask yourself if your actions stem from religious duty, a fear of disappointing God, or genuine love and adoration for Him. Then, as a personal favor, I would ask you what you see from me. I know what's in my heart, but I would hate to send a different message than the truth of what's going on. If you are brave enough to share, and to be completely honest, I'd love to hear your thoughts!

Newest Lesson to be Learned

2010-07-30T00:11:00.000-07:00

In doing the 21 Day Challenge in which I read the book of Romans bit by bit each day, I am becoming more in tune with what God is telling me each and every day. With that comes the conviction of the Holy Spirit, which has not been absent from my life but significantly decreased. Things have been so wonderful in the past year and I have become extremely comfortable with the mountaintop. However, I feel that I have been made aware of something I definitely need to work on, and that is patience.

Tonight, this was ever present in my head and heart as I read my chapters (I forgot yesterday). I've spent the past week or so giving myself little pep talks here and there about contentment, relaxing, not controlling situations, and all of the other fun things that go along with correcting a lack of patience in life. However, tonight was the first time I've actually felt convicted about it. I remember when I was a kid, I used to pray "Lord, if I can just live until I am 16 so that I can date and drive, I promise I'll never ask for anything again." Seriously? It makes me laugh just thinking about it. But the truth is, I tend to live my life in continual pursuit of "the next step." I stop living in the "now" and begin to make plans as to what should happen next. Oh, if I had a dollar for every bargain with God that I've made out of impatience!

I realized in the past several hours that for me to refuse the enjoyment of God's blessings in my life is selfish and spoiled. It is selfish both towards God and to anyone else involved. Who am I to decide the natural order of things in life, both little or big? When did it become my job to orchestrate the comings and goings of the world around me? When did I stop living by faith and instead living by sight?

Romans 3 and 4 talk a lot about faith. I was reminded that the people running hard after God's heart were most often unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel, let alone the next step. Abraham specifically is used as an example of someone who understood the power of faith over works. I can sit and try to become the puppet master of my own life, or I can allow God to continue to bless me in the way in which He deems fit, and in the timing which He sees necessary. In the grand scheme of things, my life is but a vapor. It's ridiculous that I seem unable to see past the end of my nose when it comes to certain things.

I challenge my readers to take some time in the next day or so to reflect on your ability to appreciate your blessings and trust in God's timing. I ask you to partner with me in prayer that we will be able to be like Abraham, a generation who truly walks by faith.

Day 2, Romans 2

2010-07-27T19:25:00.000-07:00

Well, here we go. Two days in a row! I feel good about that accomplishment. Hey, it's the little things. Anyhoo, here we go.

I love what Chapter 2 reveals about the impartiality of God. Paul hits the nail on the head when he says that when we judge one another, we condemn ourselves (v. 2). So often, we do not trust God to take care of His business with other people. I know how guilty I have been of this, often times calling it accountability or "church discipline." Not that either of those things are bad in and of themselves, but it is not my job to become the Jesus Police. Just because someone is doing something that I don't think is the right thing to do, I don't have the right to assume how God is going to handle it and decide in my head and heart what kind of person that individual is.

He continues on, referring to the gap between Jews and Gentiles, but the message is applicable for us all: "You who preach that one shall not steal, do you steal? You who say that one should not commit adultery, do you commit adultery? You who abhor idols, do you rob temples? You who boast in the Law, through your breaking the Law, do you dishonor God?" (v. 21-23) The most important part of "following the Law" is to continually self-check. Ugh...no matter how long I have been fighting this, these verses are a huge slap in the face. Even today, I have definitely cast judgement on more than one individual, even though I sit here having allowed myself to become more distant with God out of sheer laziness. Bam. Conviction. Thanks, Holy Spirit.

All that to say, my concern needs to shift to the point where it is about me and Jesus...no one else. I can encourage, I can speak truth, but cannot allow myself to put myself into God's shoes in their lives.

Sidenote: One thing that I have realized in the past 24 hours is that I can easily talk about God being first in my life, but is He really? Do I genuinely love Him more than certain individuals in my life, or do I say this out of duty and habit? Just a thought.

21 Day Challenge, Post 1, Romans 1

2010-07-26T20:16:00.000-07:00

It's a fact that habits are so much more difficult to begin than to maintain. However, when life hits you like a ton of bricks, it seems like the best habits for you are the first to go. For me, reading the Bible has become this habit that I have let go to the wayside. I remember being at Starbucks every morning last year at 6:45, getting 30 minutes of reading and reflection in before work. Now I scramble out the door and allow myself to be filled with mindless activity, forgetting the passages I've previously hidden in my heart. In part, I've fought getting back into the habit due to my hatred of legalism, but most of it is just laziness. This past Sunday, Paul issued a challenge to us all to read the Bible every day for 21 days. He gave different passages for people in different walks of faith, and the one I chose is Romans. So...in order to stay accountable, I am going to try and blog about each chapter that I read...I'll summarize, reflect, and question/apply. I welcome thoughts and will do better about commenting back.

That said, let's get crackin'.

In my Bible, Chapter 1 is divided up into 2 segments: "The Gospel Exalted" (v. 1-17) and "Unbelief and its Consequences" (v. 18-32). I'm going to talk about each separately and do my best to not put my own truth into it...sigh. Harder than it seems.

Reaction to writing about Part 1:

Part one is composed of mostly introductory stuff. Paul is writing a letter to the believers in Rome. First and foremost, I've always loved Paul. He's a stud. The books of the NT that he wrote have always been my favorites...I don't know, maybe it's his unapologetic viewpoint that just resonates with me. Anyway, most of the time I skim through this part, but I made myself focus on each verse this time. One thing that I noticed is that Paul is using this opportunity to fervently encourage his fellow believers. He tells them: "unceasingly I make mention of you, always in my prayers making request...for I long to see you...that is, that I may be encouraged together with you while among you, each of us by the other's faith, both yours and mine" (v. 10-12). I love this example of Christian encouragement. Paul has been separated from this body of believers for some time, yet he maintains this relational aspect of their connection. They are not just "Christians" who are hosting a guest speaker. They truly love each other in Christ and do the best they can to meet each other's needs. I imagine Paul finally arriving to Rome and asking them "What can I do for you? How can I serve you?" and vice versa.

I also love the point of this encouragement. It is not for self-righteousness or an ego boost...it is so that the gospel is preached. Verse 16 is a widely known verse: "I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes, to the Jew first and also to the Greek." The love Paul expresses and receives for/from Christ is not exclusive. It is accessible to anyone! The way in which he "preaches" this in the beginning of this letter is simply by expressing his love. I love this. To quote Paul Mints, "This is a football." Going back to the basics...the love of Christ brings the free gift of salvation to any who will receive it.

This next part isn't so fun. Reaction to having to write about Part 2:

Ugh. It's so much more fun to talk about encouragement than sin. Seriously. But I am going to hash it all out and be honest about what I think and whether or not it lines up with God's word. Suck.

Paul begins talking about ungodliness and God's reaction to it. I've never really thought about it before, but this passage reeks of the consequences of free will. The people he is talking about know the truth of God...they have seen His creation, His power, etc. but are choosing to live ungodly lives, which is "suppressing the truth in unrighteousness," i.e. becoming a stumbling block for those around them seeking the truth. These are the individuals that have "exchanged the glory of the incorruptible God for an image in the form of corruptible man..." (v. 23) In this instance, Paul means a tangible idol, but I think that it can be applied to anything we place before Christ. Now, note the wording of the next verse here: the Word says "For this reason God gave them over in the lusts of their hearts..." Never does it say "smote" or "hatefully caused"...God simply allowed them to do what they wanted to do. He gave them the choice. He allowed the sin they so readily ate up to consume them. Translation in Caty-ese: Satan uses free will to lead us on the path of destruction, and God loves us enough to let us choose, even though He knows what is best. Wow, what it must be like to be God. I would be horrible at it. I'd get so annoyed with people making stupid decisions I'd just wipe them out or use some excellent mind control technique or something. Again, thank goodness we don't have any Caty Almighty stuff going on up in here.

The next part is something that I will be blogging about in a series I plan on attempting called "Taboo Topics." While Paul is talking about this refusal on God's part to turn us into robots, he specifically addresses the issue of homosexuality: "For this reason God gave them over to degrading passions; for their women exchanged the natural function for that which is unnatural, and in the same way also the men abandoned the natural function of the woman and burned in their desire toward one another, men with men committing indecent acts and receiving in their own persons the due penalty of their error" (v. 26-27). For those of you chomping at the bit, I promise I'm not stopping there and will give full attention to the context of the verses around it. But when things get right down to it, the word of God is examining the sexual relationship between members of the same sex, and is categorizing it as ungodly. I'll be honest: I HATE THIS. I hate that this is the truth that I'm finding. I have friends who are homosexual. They are wonderful people. I love them dearly. So does God. And not just in a "love them to Jesus" way..for me, there is no "us" and "them." The next few verses provide a little relief from this heart pang, and really puts a lot of the self-righteousness out there to rest.

Last few verses:
Other ungodly acts/characteristics listed in the remaining verses are as follows: unrighteousness, wickedness, greed, evil, envy, murder, strife, deceit, malice, gossiping, slander, hate, insolence, arrogance, pride, disobedience to parents, refusing to understand, untrustworthiness, unloving, unmerciful....wow. If you think for one second you haven't been on that list, get a reality check. I don't know why Paul goes into detail about homosexuality and not the other things...honestly my guess is that he wanted to be able to explain what he meant, because sexuality in and of itself is not a sin...perhaps he wanted to clarify. I don't know. Another blog, another time. But, bottom line, sin is sin. It's all bad. It's all consuming. There is no sin that is only "kind of ungodly." Anyway, what we end with here at the end of chapter 1 is the process of being encouraged, followed shortly by a brutal beating in which we realize that we are irrevocably screwed up and that we did it to ourselves. Awesome.

I hate ending with that, but I am not going to skip ahead. I will be writing some thoughts about Chapter 2 tomorrow. Please join me in this challenge! It's not too late!

Peace.
-Caty

Faces of a Woman

2010-07-15T15:19:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago, our pastor preached a sermon in a series called "Life's Toughest Questions." We discussed the idea of manhood, specifically what it looks like to be a godly man. Paul talked about the four faces of a godly man, which you can listen to here. The four he listed were the King, the Warrior, the Lover, and the Friend. It was quite excellent. Since that Sunday, I have been trying to apply the same principles to my own sex: What are the faces of a godly woman? Here are some of the ideas that I have.

Face #1: The Princess

As a little girl, I was told quite often that I was a princess. Most of us girls eat the fairy tales up, and don't EVEN tell me you never had a Disney Princess costume. I was all about Cinderella and Ariel, myself. In Psalm 45, though it doesn't specifically call us royalty, God's love for us is articulated in this way: "The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor Him, because He is your lord" (v. 11). Zephaniah talks about God being a great warrior in our midst who quiets us with His love, and rejoices over us with singing. As a woman, we live life perpetually asking the subliminal question: am I beautiful? We ask this in how we dress, how we act around men, our relationships with our fathers, etc. As a godly woman, we must embrace the God-given role we have, as His cherished one, the beloved of the king.

There are a couple of distortions of this. On one hand, there is the diva. The diva is self-centered and self-righteous. She is entitled to receive everything she wants and bails when things do not go her way. The other distortion is the pauper. The pauper does not acknowledge any worth at all. She feels worthless and allows other people to tell her who she is and isn't. She is afraid of being beautiful and does not acknowledge God's love as an active agent in her life.

Face #2: The Fighter

Any woman who has ever seen someone she loved being threatened has in some way or another become the Fighter. Women are ferocious defenders of what is theirs...specifically loved ones. I know that as much as I hate conflict, the times in my life I have felt infuriated and bold are when someone is physically, emotionally, or mentally hurting people who are close to me. Family, friends, boyfriend, you name it. There is no limit to what the fighter will do for her family and for her God. She lives her faith with boldness and confidence and refuses to compromise her integrity. She stands for what is right, even when it is not popular.

The first distortion of this is the bully. Most of the time, I think this manifests itself when a woman has been beat down by men (again, not always just physically) and has decided to be Ms. Independent to the extreme. The powerhouse woman who feels good when she makes someone else, especially a man, feel inferior, the woman who manipulates in order to get her way, etc. The other distortion is the victim. This woman allows herself to be run over. She does not understand her worth, so she does nothing to protect herself. She allows the world to live her life for her, instead of taking the wheel herself.

Face #3: The Nurturer

It is in the nature of a woman to look after the well being of others. I am not a mother, yet I still possess and express this quality. In the creation account, Eve is created as a helpmate to Adam; she is someone who is entrusted to look after him, to partner with him in life and in love. It is in our blood to actively love. As a wife, the nurturer values her husband, makes him feel loved, appreciated, special...like he can take on the world. As a mother, the nurturer entrusts in her children the ability to thrive, to grow up, to develop a positive character, to feel safe. As a woman in general, the nurturer manifests herself in her ability to show compassion upon people of all shapes and sizes, to meet the needs of others as best she can.

I see the first distortion of the nurturer as the "momma bear." The momma bear will not allow independence in the ones she nurtures. Her husband feels suffocated, her children become dependent on her or resentful, depending on experience, and her friends see her as insecure and unrealistic. The momma bear finds self worth in how much other people need her. The opposite distortion is the cynic. The cynic feels that it is the hard knocks of life that teach people how to be who they are. They show little compassion and sympathy for others, see tears as weakness, and refuse to take an active role in loving their loved ones. To the cynic, love is not something that is actively expressed, but simply understood.

Face #4: The Friend

This final face of a woman is the same as the last face of the man, but I think it is equally important for both similar and different reasons. Women are sharers. We share our lives with others. It is this contact with other women that keeps us sane...our ability to verbally process our lives, to joke about things that men do not understand, to feel as though being stressed to the max is not only okay but understandable...these are the connections we need. As a verbal processor, it is important for me to continuously connect with my friends. I bounce ideas off of them, I allow myself to be completely real, in the hopes of making even stronger connections. As Christians, we need this connection to people of our own gender. I do not know of a single woman who is both healthy and happy yet is missing the bond of other women to keep them grounded.

Distortions of this are both the clingy one and the loner; people who can't function without their friends, and people who withdraw from social situations. Neither of these are glorifying to God or enjoyable. In Ecclesiastes, there is a verse that says "A cord of three strands is not easily broken." How true! I have been able to stand independently, on my own two feet, through the love and compassion of my friends.

These are merely my interpretations on what Paul's sermon looks like for women. Any thoughts? Opinions? Disagreements?

A Single Girl's Rant that Will Likely Tick You Off if You are Married

2010-07-02T23:10:00.000-07:00

An hour after feeling so sleepy I could barely keep my eyes open, I find myself wide awake and hating the fact that I need to get up in 6 hours to work out. So naturally, the cure would be to revive this dusty old blog and process through a rant that has been building up for probably a month or so.

Disclaimer: Yes, I am aware that I am not married, nor have I ever been married. I have probably dated less people than you, so you probably are right about the fact that I am young, naiive, and don't know what I am talking about. If it ticks you off, don't read my blog.

Other Disclaimer: If you do read, please read all the way through, so that you don't think that I'm a Debbie Downer on life...I promise I say nice things too.

Since I was a little girl, I have dreamed of what it would be like to grow up, meet Prince Charming, get married and start a family. I had a dress up trunk that had a toddler sized white dress with a veil and tiara, and my friends and I traded off being the bride. I think most little girls do this, and if not, then they should. It's a great time. My parents got a divorce when I was 5, but thanks to maturity and love for me from both ends, I think that I avoided the cynicism towards love and marriage that many kids from a "broken home" experience (I don't consider mine broken but that's the only term I can think of). As I got older, several of my friends went through similar experiences, but it never bothered me or seemed weird. Even in college, when my friends' parents would suddenly split, we would talk about it as if it were several degrees of separation between us and them...and I guess it was.

Now I am almost 24, going on my 3rd year out of school, and I feel almost blindsided by the amount of marriages I see falling apart. People falling out of love, cheating, lying, shutting down emotionally, purposely hurting one another, hurting their children, and consequently hurting themselves. Perhaps it is because the trend has shifted from parents of friends to friends themselves, I don't know, but I suddenly see so many people whom I have known in their "in love" phases drastically come to a place where they question why they are married at all. Names continuously change back and forth on Facebook as "so and so" switches back to her maiden name because the first marriage just "didn't work out." I'm going to be honest...I hate it and it makes me sick.

Here is what I don't understand: when you stand at the altar and repeat the vows presented before you, and you heard the words "For Better or Worse..." what part of "Worse" did you not understand? The covenant that you are making, broken down, is this: No matter how good it gets, or how BAD it gets, I will be faithful to love you though it. Were you just so excited to have sex with the person that you were blanking out through your vows? Were you just trying to make the other person happy? Did you think that the "worse" aspect would never happen to you, that you were the exception? Now, please hear me, there are a couple of things not included in this blanket statement. If you are getting beaten, or if your children are in danger, GET OUT. If your spouse cheats on you, you have the biblical right to end things if you so choose. But the "I just don't love him/her anymore" line does not fly with me. At all. Here's why.

I have had several people give me crap about the infatuation stage of a relationship. "Well, it's all fun and games now, Skinner," they say, "but wait until you stop being so INFATUATED with one another. Then the real work begins." Ok, you know what? Guess who is not a complete and total idiot? This girl. I am aware that, at one point or another in a relationship, there comes a few times when you have to choose to love a person not out of the butterflies in your stomach, but because you have committed to do so. I don't claim to know when this will happen or how it will manifest itself, but it's going to happen. For my pastor, he said it happened both 6 months after his marriage as well as about 7 years in. But guess what? I sure as hell am not going to sit there on my butt, say to myself, "Oh crap, this sucks, guess everyone was right," and not do anything about it. You know why? Because my marriage will fall apart.

If you know me, you know that I am a planner, and a proactive one at that. I like to take all sorts of preventative measures to avoid conflict, drama, and other issues. Same with marriage. I think that having a realistic expectation of marriage is so important, and I think that by knowing it won't always be perfect, I'll have a better perspective when conflict arises. When I see something in my character or personality now that I forsee causing issues later, I nip it in the bud. Example: me and conflict. I hate conflict and have in the past refused to speak up because I feel stupid. I've now committed to myself that, if something is wrong, no matter how stupid I think it is, I make myself voice it. Also, if you know me, you also know that when I love someone, I love them fiercely, with all of my being, and will fight for them. You better believe that if I am committing my life to you, that I will fight for "us" with everything that is in me. I will do whatever it takes to keep my marriage together, to actively love my spouse, no matter what.

I feel like I sound like I'm pessimistic about the whole thing, but I am soooo not. I love the idea of marriage and am excited about being married someday. I believe that, when I get married, it will be the most wonderful decision besides accepting Christ as my Savior that I will make. I see many examples of marriages that just overflow love and contentment. My family shows me that kind of love and commitment every day that I am around them. That's my point. I'm 23 (almost 24) years old...there is a lot about the future that I don't know. What if I can't have kids? What if one of my parents dies? What if a parent of my spouse dies? What if, what if, what if....there are a lot of things that could happen that would put a strain on two people trying to love each other through the better and worse of life. But all I know is, on my end at least, there is nothing that can or will happen that will kill my passion for what is right, what honors the Lord, and what furthers my ability to love.

Furthermore, I think it is extremely selfish to say that you are done trying to make it work. Yeah, I know. Your spouse is a jerk. He/she doesn't appreciate you. He/she doesn't meet your needs. Well, duh! Only God can do that! He is the one who will make you feel like you are worth anything. He is the only stable, perfect source of love in your life that will not let you down. All you can control is how you love others, not how they love you in return. Humble yourself enough to do what it takes, whether that be praying for the ability to love your spouse, going to see a counselor, talking to the pastor of your church, all of the above. Make. It. Happen...at least on your end. Then you can at least say that you have done everything you can do. Do not play the "what if" game...there is no "what if." Make your current situation as good as it can be instead of playing out scenarios that will not happen.

As hard as it is to believe, I say all of this partially out of anger, but mostly out of love and pain for my brothers and sisters in Christ who are allowing Satan to have a stronghold in their marriage. DO NOT let him win! God intends marriage to be the ultimate culmination here on earth, an act of worship allowing us to have a deeper picture of His love for us. Allow God to work in your lives, to draw you closer to Him THROUGH the ups and downs of life...don't avoid them and allow the enemy to speak his lies into your heart. Take a stand. Stand for what's right.

Sidenote: I do not believe that I, nor most of the friends I have that are accused of this, am "infatuated." It's called being in love. Let us enjoy it instead of trying to make other people feel guilty for being happy.

I welcome all feedback, positive and negative, and am willing to discuss this issue further, though I stand by my own convictions and will not likely change my mind.

Get Real Monday....on a Tuesday (or is it Wednesday?)

2010-06-07T22:16:00.000-07:00

So, this post is going to serve two purposes. One: to pose a question to other bloggers and friends out there, and two: to try to refigure my brain a little bit.

I usually don't participate in Get Real Monday. Most of the time, what I have to "get real" about is no different than what I would normally say or how I act. I consider myself pretty honest, even too much so at times. I suck at lying, even if it's just a weird facial expression due to an emotion. But I got called out on something on Friday, and I've been stewing over it this weekend and just can't really shake it. So, blog community, let me ask you...

What is the thing about yourself (apart from any physical insecurity) that you like the least? And, once you have identified this feature, how do you go about fixing it?

As I was sitting with my student on Friday, I was talking to one of my aides about my random thought process and how much I dislike it. I consider myself a pretty mellow person, over all. I'm low maintenance, pretty easy to please, hater of drama, etc. But I AM a worrier. It comes in phases, most of the time when things are going really well in my life. It's not as hard for me to have faith when things are crappy, because leaning on Jesus for strength and trusting Him are kind of a package deal. But for me, when things seem grand, I start to doubt and wonder where the catch is. I get a thought going in my head, maybe an insecurity or a worry, and it just makes its home in my brain and repeats itself over and over. I was telling this to my aide, and she told me that I sound extremely OCD to her. Confused based on my disorganized lifestyle, I waited for more of an explanation. She told me that the way I fixate on thoughts is such an OCD thing, combined with my perfectionist inability to be okay with making mistakes. Therefore I feel guilty for worrying and I rip myself to shreds.

The trouble with this is that none of these ways of dealing with it is honoring to God. The past couple of weeks it just seems like my brain is on overload, constantly trying to just take it easy and go along for the ride, enjoying the good times. Easier said than done for me. I can't seem to let go, or if I do, it's a repeated effort. I'm tired of beating myself up over it, but it's honestly freaking frustrating to know that you worry too much yet not be able to simply say "Okay, I'm done worrying now." I know what needs to happen, but it's a matter of not allowing Satan the victory of any power over my mind.

I need to spend some time with God. I need to remember Shannon's words so deeply engraved in my mind: "God is the only One who will ever satisfy ALL of your needs and wants, including how you feel about yourself." I need to surrender control...which sucks and is hard for me to do. And I need to stop trying to fix myself, and to trust that people around me love me for me (shout out, JJ Heller).

Easier said than done, but it needs to be done. Lord, help me know where to start, and help me to loosen my grip.

Sex and the City-Why on earth am I Charlotte?

2010-05-30T21:15:00.000-07:00

Unlike most Sex and the City fans, I tuned into the series about 2 years ago when I started recording the episodes on TBS. The first movie came out before I'd ever seen a single episode, and I went to see it simply out of boredom that summer. After watching several episodes, I fell in love with the series. I always wanted to "be" Carrie, because of her stellar fashion and her blogging/writing tendencies. If I could have a dream job, it would be doing what Carrie does. However, I can never seem to find a connection to the root of Carrie's character, which is her inability to make selfless decisions, specifically in relationships. Miranda? Not really. Yes, I am opinionated, but I never am able to articulate myself like her. And I am not a career woman. Samantha, PLEASE. Could not be less like a character. But I have always been turned off to Charlotte because of her rich-girl style and annoying nagging. However, a couple of friends have persistently told me that I am a Charlotte, and after lots of thinking, I'm going to have to agree. Sigh. Here's why:

Charlotte is seen as the prudish one of the girls, constantly cringing at the mention of certain explititives, searching relentlessly for a husband, donning classic solid color suits and pearls. I think that's why I've been so resistant to being labeled as a Charlotte; I HATE being the one who doesn't understand the jokes, who doesn't think that those dumb boot/sandal things are cute, who refuses to wear skinny jeans. I hate it when people give each other that look across the table when I innocently look around and say "What???" But I do relate to Charlotte's ability to not only retain her traditional views on marriage and family, but to, for the most part, make good decisions. Not saying that I'm a fountain of wisdom, but I definitely would NEVER do some of the stupid stuff that Carrie does. Charlotte is apalled when she finds out Carrie is cheating with Big. "You're the other woman!" she exclaims. Her views on cheating are the same as mine; however, Charlotte finds herself in the midst of women who have all sorts of views toward relationships and monogamy. She evolves as the series evolves, culminating in the second movie when she gets all that she wants and is STILL overwhelmed. When Charlotte stresses, she overreacts, whining, crying, high pitched voices, etc........arrow pointing to ME. I hate that I'm like that, but maybe being aware makes it better? lol

All that to say, I definitely am a Charlotte, and I'm proud. She is a strong woman who loves her husband, her children, and her friends. She is consistently there for the girls, no matter what. She is a believer in true love, and will, when the occasion calls for it, throw in a curse word for emphasis (a-thank you). To all of you other Charlottes out there, don't be ashamed!!!

Why do bad things happen to good people?

2010-05-25T11:37:00.000-07:00

This world is a messy one to live in. I think that no one would argue with that. There are some awful people who do some pretty twisted things. When we hear on the news that a terrorist has been arrested, we rejoice. When we hear that a murderer has been caught and is off the streets, we breathe sighs of relief. However, in the world that we live in, it is not always the case that justice, at least as we see it, is served. There are occasions, several in fact, that really good people suffer tragic circumstances, for seemingly no reason.
Unfortunately, the first thing people do during times like these is point the finger at God. There are often several ways that this goes down:
1) Blame God. Ask "How could a good God do something so horrible to me?"
2) Treat God as the "Almighty Smiter"...i.e. "I must have done something horrible, and God is punishing me."
3) Refuse to acknowledge that God has any part in it whatsoever..."It's MY life, and I refuse to acknowledge any divine circumstances. At all."
Each one of these are, honestly, understandable in their own ways. It's our human nature to question, to doubt, etc. However, based on what I know of God and His love for mankind, I refuse to believe that any of these are true. The one I was always fed the most as a young Christian was #2. "You have to find a purpose for all of this! There is no reason you would be going through this unless God was teaching you something." The only problem I have with this philosophy is that it insinuates that God is the CAUSE of these awful times...which I don't really believe.
The only scripture that debates my thoughts on the subject is in Job, when God allows Job to be put through torturous things in order to test his faith. That said, here's the conclusion I've come to:
-Due to the fact that we have free will, we have made many bad choices that have allowed awful things to come into this world.
-God loves us so much that He takes the big mess and uses it for good in the world.
-There are times that things are just unexplainable, and we have to cling to what we know of God and His great love for us to get us through, and trust that He will take care of us.
It's easy to say all of these things when I am not in the midst of tragedy. There are people all around me who are suffering from cancer, from losing a loved one, from losing a job, etc. But I hope that when I am faced with these things, I can remember to stop necessarily asking "Why?" and to instead cling to God for comfort and refuge.

I will come back and add to this post later, I think, but right now my brain is all jumbled from multitasking. :)

Trust Issues...dumb.

2010-05-21T11:27:00.001-07:00

Do you have those friends in your life who seem to always know the right thing to say to other people, but when it comes to their own lives they never seem to follow their own advice? If you are friends with me, then the answer is a loud, resounding YES. Which, by the way, I greatly dislike about myself. When people talk to me about things that they are going through or struggling with, I feel like I can see the big picture pretty clearly and help give some sound advice most of the time, especially when it is about spiritual stuff. But when it comes to a difficulty or any situation in my own life, I am the first one to worry furiously, grind my teeth, and focus only on what I can see instead of walking with faith.

This, my friends, is FRUSTRATING. And as much as I want to just maintain my zen-like attitude and feel at peace, I get so dadgum angsty! Right now, it is mostly having to do with work, both in my current job and my attempts to line up a job for next year. My situation here at work is getting worse and worse, and I have the bruises to prove it. Not that I am not grateful for the opportunity, and I do love my student, but it's just hard. I am simultaneously trying to do my job and hunt for a teaching job against hundreds of other applicants who are free to go and do as they please during the day. As I watch the positions go from 25 to 20 to today's count of 13, I start to feel anxiety creeping in. Wednesday night it hit an all time high as I couldn't even go to sleep because I was so tense. Poor Justin caught the brunt of it via FB chat--in case you don't know me that well, I have such a hard time articulating when I am that upset, so his signal that something was up was my awkward silence and unusual calm behavior during hang out time. :) But today I am convicted about it, because seriously, it is ridiculous that I don't trust God to take care of me.

The whole reason I named my blog "Elevated Ebenezer" is from the story in the Old Testament about Samuel and the Israelites defeating the Philistines with the help of the Lord. Samuel places a large rock in the place where this amazing victory occured, calling the stone "Ebenezer" which means "thus far, the Lord has been faithful to us." It served as a reminder which, when discouraged, the Israelites could reflect on and use to help encourage them to trust God. In the song "Come Thou Fount," there is a line that says "Here I raise my Ebenezer, hither by thy help I come." This has been my life motto and my encouragement. Any time I doubt, I desire to take the ebenezer stones in my life and use them to spur me on. And that is what I need to do now.

When I quit teaching last year, lots of people thought it was stupid. And financially, yes it was. But God provided a job for me right on time. And when that didn't work out, he provided another one. He allowed me to focus on my masters and accomplish things I never thought I could. He allowed me to be more involved in TCAL, even leading a small group. He allowed me to make new friends and to meet Justin this semester. Who knows if any of that would have happened if I had not quit at Midlo? I know that if I had done another year, I likely would never have thought to teach elementary, which brings me such joy.

Now, here I sit, with the worries of "What if I don't get a job?" constantly on the brain. Well, I might not. But I need to trust that God has something planned for me, and it might not be exactly how I think it should go, but it will be BETTER than what I can imagine.

That said, I have an interview at 4:30 today. I am giving myself this talk to prep in the event that I don't get hired. Say a little prayer for me!

Quest for Sanity at my Wit's End

2010-05-13T11:22:00.000-07:00

I have been reading the Chronicles of Narnia to my student over the past month and a half. We have finished all the way up through Voyage of the Dawn Treader and are halfway through The Silver Chair at the moment. However, my favorite of the series has been and will probably always be The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe. While hiding in a wardrobe, the Pevensie children discover a magical land filled with creatures, beauty, a Witch, and a powerful Lion who gives His life to save all of Narnia (um, hello allegory). Love it.
At the moment, I am in hot pursuit of some cabinet drawer or closet space that will take me into a mystical land in which I can find some way to stay sane in the next 3 weeks. All of a sudden, all of the blood, sweat, and tears (literally) I have been putting into my job feel as though they have been in vain. All of the progress that I felt has been made is being undone. Not only does it hurt my heart, but it infuriates me beyond anything I've ever felt.
I don't really get angry. Irritated? Yes. Disappointed? Duh. But never anger. However, today I really thought I could lose it...my whole body went hot and I had to leave the room in order to keep from yelling. Immediately after my episode, I started crying because all that anger had to have somewhere to go.
I'm praying today that God will give me patience that is not of my own doing, a peaceful spirit, and the ability to comparmentalize my life and leave all of this mess at work when I leave today. I know that I need a release of some kind...it will likely be Chalean Extreme later on!

Let's Talk about L-O-V-E

2010-05-08T06:31:00.000-07:00

In the past 10 minutes, I have had my iTunes on shuffle, and at least 3 songs have come on. Each one, in its own way, deals with love. Brandon Rhyder understands love by embracing each tiny moment in life in his song "Freeze Frame Time" (GREAT song btw). Celine Dion (don't judge) wonders "Where Does My Heart Beat Now?" because her love has been shattered and is gone...how can she survive? And "Crank That" by Soulja Boy Tell Em....well let's just say that kind of love is made, not felt. I think I'll leave that one alone. Ha ha.
At my church, The Community at Lake Ridge, our pastor talks a lot about love, especially in the series we are doing now about Loving Strong. Last year Paul talked about relationships and how most people go into relationships with the idea that they NEED someone to complete them, to make them happy. Little Jerry Maguire saying "You complete me!" sets us up to think that we cannot survive without some romantic love. As a result, we go into relationships as incomplete people, expecting 1/2 + 1/2 to equal 1 whole person. However, in Paul Mints math, we multiply: 1/2 x 1/2 = 1/4...more incompletion. Paul asserts that we must, in fact, be entirely whole and okay in order to truly and healthily "love" someone. And I agree.
In class on Thursday, somehow we got in a discussion about Christian love vs. normal love. After listening to frustratingly inaccurate descriptions of Christian love, I just threw the statement out that Christians believe that love comes from God, and so if I am loving you in Christian love, it's not mine but God's love that that person is receiving. Instead of seeing that as awesome, most people saw that as love with an ulterior motive, which I really don't understand. All that to say, involving God in the equation completely changes how we must view love. The ultimate act of love is God's sacrifice for us; He loves us with a never ending, life-altering love. Most people, even Christians, live the entirety of their lives without ever experiencing that kind of love...we go through the motions and believe in who God is and in His Son, but we never allow ourselves to FEEL loved by him. I know that for some men especially, it seems weird and a little ooky to think about letting one's guard down and just let God lavish His love onto them...but, in my opinion, experiencing this wonderful love is the only way for us to healthy love another person.
I remember when Paul and Shannon were both talking about their relationship, and Shannon said that she had to become completely satisfied in God's love for her in order for her and Paul to experience a healthy relationship. I think that this is what Paul means by being a whole person. Here is what happens when we realize that God's love is the best, that it's never going to compare with anything we have on earth, and that it COMPLETELY satisfies:

-We stop feeling insecure about being good enough (because we don't have to prove that to God)
-We stop actively seeking relationships with anyone and everyone
-We begin to exude this love onto others, making us more joyful people, thus more attractive inside and out
-We nip so many marriage problems in the bud that stem from clinginess, insecurity, jealousy, etc.

When I say that I know this from experience, I don't mean that "Oh, well, I used to be so insecure, but now that I've tapped into this concept, I'm a love machine..." although that would be really fun to say (I used an accent while saying that in my head...just FYI). But I went FOUR years without being in a relationship with a guy. FOUR YEARS! People...that's a long time. And it wasn't because I didn't want to. I would have spurts where I would get so frustrated with being alone that I would just go on random dates with people I knew it probably wouldn't work with, or would try to change myself in order to get certain people to like me. But something about being out of school and on my own changed a lot of that. Somehow, God started to be enough. I began to not care about relationships that much, which made me enjoy every other facet of my life so much more fully. I had a job, a fabulous church, great friends, wonderful family, all of which were providing me with that love that I wanted so badly. I realized that a man would be a wonderful little added bonus to the mix, but was not necessary to providing me with happiness.

Now that I'm finally dating someone, I'm so glad that I had that time to learn a lot of the tough lessons. I can safely say that there has not been a moment where I've been insecure, jealous, worried, neurotic, etc. about what Justin is thinking/saying/doing. I'm so happy I could burst...and yes, he contributes to that in so many ways, but regardless of how much I enjoy being around him and care about him, being with him does not "complete" me. I am loved so deeply by God, that I'm already filled up....which means that any love that he shows me is icing on the cake...wonderful, delicious icing...lol. I can enjoy being with him without sucking the life out of him, and looking for him to make me okay. Because, guess what: that is impossible. No one person can MAKE you be okay. And that is the quickest way to ending a relationship.

For true love to not only exist but flourish, both individuals must be healthy, whole people who understand that it is not their significant other's job to fill them up. It is only then that a person can truly ENJOY another's love as well as give that kind of love to another person. Not saying that I'm the love expert, but I feel like the past few days I have seen SO many people who feel defeated and let down by their relationships, and I felt like throwing some thoughts out there. Any feedback, both positive or negative, is always welcome!

Cancer Can Suck It

2010-04-17T14:11:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading my lovely friend Kelley's new blog, "Feel the Ta-Tas." Kelley just found out that she has breast cancer. As I read about all of her experiences leading up to beginning her blog, I got sick to my stomach. Kelley is one of the most godly women I'm blessed to know, and I know that if anyone can kick cancer's butt, it's her (I stole this blog title from one of her possible titles listed on her blog). But still...the word makes me cringe.
Is it just me, or does it seem like more and more people I know PERSONALLY have received this news? No longer is the "C" word a foreign term that does not apply. I am seeing both healing and heartbreak all around me, in my church, in my friends, in my family. It would be so easy to just get disillusioned and say "Screw it. There is so much despair in the world, Lord! Why should I love You if this is how I get repaid?"
Newsflash: Jesus loves me so much that He gave His life in the most horrible way so that I could have life in eternity with Him.
This life is not meant to be easy. It's meant to be lived in community with God, and to share the hope that He gives us with others. I do not believe that God is a smiter, someone who says "Hmmm...Kelley looks like she needs a challenge. Have a tumor." I believe that God loves Kelley so much that He will use this evil in her life to the most good and wonderful purpose possible. I believe that her life has purpose and that God will be glorified through her.
Kelley girl, I am rooting for you. To all my followers, please follow Kelley on this journey and help spread awareness of the preventative measures we can take to fight cancer.

90 Days to a Better Me

2010-04-13T22:05:00.000-07:00

If you have either followed my blog or been my friend on Facebook/Twitter for any amount of time, you know that last fall I was in a health craze. Eating right, working out 2 times a day...it just made sense. I dropped about 15 pounds. Smiley face.

Today, as I struggle to squeeze myself into those jeans I bought in October, I think to myself, "Seriously?"

The fact is, all of us struggle with our image in some capacity. If we don't think we are fat, we think we are too skinny. Bad skin. Too pale. Big feet. Whatever. These physical insecurities are often coupled with internal issues as well. We don't deal with conflict well. We can't get over our fear of speaking to others. We are disorganized. Bad at keeping up with friends. (Keep listening as I describe myself more and more to you. lol)

I'm not complaining about my life at all. I am very happy. I'm loving my relationship with God, have a good job, great boyfriend, fabulous friends. However, I can't sit back and allow myself to undo everything I've worked so hard for. Plus, it's important to do things today that will help you become the person you want to be in the future. I want to be able to not worry about clothing sizes. I want to be able to have an organized house someday. I want to be a godly wife and mother. Therefore....

I've decided to do the impossible. Starting May 3, I am going to begin a 90 day personal challenge in which I hope to become a healthier me. I am going to work on three things: my physical health, my organizational skills, and my faith. How? Good question.

This is not a challenge that I am going to be recruiting for, sending out emails and getting measurements for, etc. I honestly can't handle that right now. I am already putting things off until May 3, because that week will be my last week of the spring semester of graduate school, better known as hell on earth. But I encourage you to follow my blog posts, as I will be writing about my results, struggles, victories, etc. I encourage you to pick a program with me to do yourself during this 90 day period, or to start reading a devotional or a passage of Scripture a day. I hope that my sarcastic comments and overanalytical tendencies will amuse and encourage you to succeed!

Physical Health: Right now I am in the process of picking a program. Beachbody offers some amazing workouts, and I will either be doing P90x, Insanity, or Chalean Extreme. If I do Insanity, I'm still doing a 90 day challenge, but will spend my last 30 workout days training for some kind of running event. If you want to look at the programs, click "Shop" at my coaching website. I'll also be revamping how I eat and counting my calories.

Organizational Health: There is a program created by FlyLady that helps people like me get organized. I did it for a while, it was awesome, then I stopped.

Spiritual: I plan on reading my Bible each day as well as trying to do more nice things for others. I'll have more specifics later.

I'll record EVERYTHING on my blog. Anything I purchase, any blips in the program, you name it. So, who's with me? It's going to be tough, but I can't keep seeing myself slip through the cracks, and neither can you! Let's help each other reach our goals...we can do this!

Thoughts approaching Easter: God's Purpose

2010-03-30T12:08:00.001-07:00

Disclaimer: Basically I have never really cared about what is on my blog, because I'm pretty much an open book. However, due to certain issues discussed pertaining to certain readers, I went back and deleted a couple of posts. I don't think it will affect anyone's life or anything (yes, sarcasm) but I just thought I'd throw that out there to any potential stalkers I have.

Easter is less than a week away. At this time last year, I was moving into a new apartment, applying for graduate school, and attempting to figure out what my life would look like without teaching. I found myself questioning God a lot concerning His purpose for my life: what was my calling? what kind of person do You want me to be? When will I come to a place of contentment and peace with my life?

Now, Easter is upon me, and I find myself moving AGAIN into a new apartment. My life is radically different from one year ago, and I am amazed at God's providence. It's always so hard to understand the "why" in what God calls me to do, but now that I am looking back, it's becoming more and more apparent. Here are some of the "why"s and some of my thoughts pertaining to them:

1) "Lord, why can't I go to Prague? Why are you keeping me here?" For those of you who do not know, I was fully accepted and signed away to begin an AP English program for MKs in Prague, Czech Republic. I would have started in August and be finished up by this June. Around Christmas, I began sensing that this was the wrong decision, but I ignored it until about February. There have been many times since that I have yearned to be there and asked God why. However, the numerous occasions and opportunities presented this year prove that, beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am supposed to be here.

2)"What am I going to do with my life???" After discovering the difficulty of getting a teaching job at the college level, added to my failure as a sales representative, I was full of doubt concerning my occupation. Just to make some money, I started subbing at the elementary level and FELL IN LOVE. As I was praying for an opportunity to transition into elementary, a job opened up at my stepmom's school for me to truly test my limits of patience and teach special education. The student I teach has changed me, and has been used by God to refine me into a much better person. I've learned how to teach in ways I never thought I could. I'm so grateful for him!

3) The issue of contentment. It's hard when everyone around you seems to be marrying and having babies, and you are not going on dates EVER. I have often found myself complaining to God and wondering what was wrong with me, and why certain flirtations just didn't go beyond that. Last fall, I finally felt at a place that I didn't care anymore, that God had made me who I am for a purpose, and I could be okay being by myself if it meant that my relationship with God was good. I think that being so much more okay with this has opened up opportunities for the better. Wink wink. lol

4) Random connections and opportunities. I know that I was stressed beyond belief about leading a small group this semester. I don't know how many times I wanted to quit. But leading the group I have has connected me to people I never would have met otherwise. It's crazy to think of how God has orchestrated all of that, knowing exactly what I need in this season of my life and providing it.

I could go on forever, but I am starting to see the tiny threads He is using to weave my life together. Even as I have typed this blog up, I have had an opportunity to share God's grace with someone I never thought would be receptive to it. Life is good. I am blessed.

Prelude to Spring Break

2010-03-14T23:25:00.000-07:00

Tonight at small group, we sat outside the Mullins's back porch and started discussing Mr. Chambers as usual. I always love our group discussions, as we have a group of people this semester that really know how to be real and hash out the tough issues, which always makes for a good time. One of my friends was talking about the past year and a half, and how her walk with God has so drastically changed...and it makes me think about my last 18 months, and I'd have to agree with her on that one. I've grown up a lot...and am so thankful for what God has blessed me with.

I tend to always complain when God doesn't meet my needs in the way I think He should. Which is so stupid. But it's what I do. But tonight I was challenged to really count my blessings and see that He has provided me with such peace...I can't even begin to understand it.

-I am a member of a church family that loves me unconditionally. TCAL is my other family. I love it.
-I have such a great support system within my family. Just like iron sharpens iron, my fam makes me want to be a better person.
-I have great friends who pray for me and encourage me, who make me laugh until I start wheezing (super cute) and who accept me for the quirky person that I am.
-And the blessings go on and on...

This past year has held some very tough knocks, so to speak. But I feel different now...I feel as though I've let God take control and that He is winning that battle for me! It's refreshing. It's amazing. And now that I've stopped worrying about everything, I'm able to just enjoy my life and be happy. Which is quite excellent.

If you don't have that kind of support system, I encourage you to find it. Come to my group if you don't know one. Promise you'll leave feeling encouraged.

Theology According to Brandi Carlile

2010-03-08T18:05:00.000-08:00

Last night, I overcame my old lady-ness and went to a Brandi Carlile concert (on a school night! Yes you may applaud me). This was my third time to see Brandi, so I knew what kind of performer she was and basically what to expect. However, nothing ever prepares me for how amazing her voice is. Her lyrics are awesome, and it just was all around a fantastic thing.

The whole time I've listened to her, I have never really known anything about her personal life. But tonight, in between one of her songs, Brandi opened up about her religious background while mentioning her reaction to a friend committing suicide in high school. As she talked about how angry she was at 16 with her friend for killing himself, she mentioned that she was brought up Baptist. "I mean, REAL Baptist. I focused more on being Baptist than doing my homework, which is why I...graduated 'early'." It became very obvious that Brandi has derived some of her bitterness from religion that was shoved down her throat as a kid. My first reaction was "Oh, Brandi! You went to church?" followed closely by "Oh. Brandi. You went to church...."

I hate that tradition can get in the way of experiencing joy. I am not trying to hate on the church by any means, because Lord knows I've done enough of that in the past. But seeing what amazing talent this girl has, and the amount of influence she as on the world, it breaks my heart that she will likely forever carry a bitter taste in her mouth towards Jesus just because of how a random group of religious people treated her. Her songs are so powerful and vulnerable...it would be amazing to see her allow the Lord to fill up that hole instead of booze, sex, or the other things we all substitute for the real thing...to experience a friendship with a person who loves God but is open about the fact that they aren't perfect...that they are just as in need of grace as anyone.

It takes experiencing real grace to understand what true freedom in Christ feels like. I hope that I will never be "that Baptist" and will always be a person who enjoys life to the fullest, knowing that I have hope and am truly and deeply loved by a God who is actively involved in my life.

Just some thoughts.

The Adventures of Superwoman and her Inability to be Super

2010-02-27T17:56:00.000-08:00

For some odd reason, women think that they must master everything, become a "Jane of all trades," so to speak. I know that men are portrayed as the "fixers," the ones who must help solve everyone's dilemmas, but women are the creatures who add the element of "neurotic and irrational thought" to the mix, altogether becoming a recipe for extreme overwhelmed-ness. As a woman, I must ensure that I am beautiful. I must weigh a certain number, put my makeup on everyday, keep my hair highlighted. The world must see that I am put together. I also must become two people: the Homemaker, skilled in the arts of womanly things such as cooking, cleaning, nurturing both children and men, and scrapbooking...and the Feminist, embracing the hard-fought "We Can Do It!" attitude which requires me to take on extreme sports, the corporate ladder, and an ability to speak my opinions. Women must submit, yet lead. We must take care of our home. And for those women who do not yet have a family of their own, they must continuously make sure that sisters, mothers, brothers, dads are all taken care of, putting time in with each. Don't forget the qualities which make this single woman marketable: education, sense of humor, etc. At what point, I ask, does Superwoman scream out in frustration, fling her cape to the ground and groan, "I'VE HAD ENOUGH!"?

I am only 23, but I see that this "save the world" syndrome we females embrace cannot possibly be Scriptural. It says in the Bible very clearly that we are weak. God has designed us with a breaking point, one that should signal we heroes of the world that we cannot, I repeat, CANNOT, do everything. Why? Because we would no longer have a need for Him.

Here is the truth that I as well as the rest of you girls nodding your heads out there need to wrap our brains around:
YOU CANNOT MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY. YOU WILL LET PEOPLE DOWN. YOU WILL OFFEND PEOPLE....AND IT'S OKAY!
Something must give. The 100 billion hour day required to meet the needs of everyone around you will not be met in the 24 that you have. A sister will be upset that you missed her basketball game in order to write your term paper. A church member will be upset that you have had to stop serving in 5 areas of church ministry. A friend will feel dissed because you cannot talk on the phone for 3 hours...sometimes, not at all. But what is important to realize is that people on this world do not get to decide what you are worth. God does. It is His opinion that matters, and He thinks that you are lovely. He longs for you to be able to enjoy the freedom that comes with a life resting in His perfect peace.

That is not to say that our next move should be a facebook status update proclaiming "I AM WOMAN! HERE ME ROAR! EVERYONE SHUT UP AND GET OFF MY BACK BEFORE I HAVE A MELTDOWN!" Let's simply practice setting boundaries and prioritizing our lives. Do what will provide the most satisfaction and importance in the long run. When those things are done, we can work on the little things, and do what we can. You are not Super Woman. I, for one, know that I can't handle the pressure of what I'd look like in those tights. :)

Win a free copy of Hear No Evil!

2010-02-21T20:44:00.000-08:00

I'm giving away a copy of Matthew Paul Turner's book Hear No Evil this week. If you have never heard of this book, check out my previous post that reviews this excellent memoir. If you would like a shot at receiving this book, leave a comment including your name and email on this post. I will draw a name randomly on Saturday and announce the winner! Good luck!

Book Review: Matthew Paul Turner's "Hear No Evil"

2010-02-17T20:32:00.000-08:00

Within the postmodern culture of 2010 exists a group of people far removed from societal norm. This subculture customizes attire, movies, literature, toys, etc., seemingly permeating everything except the choices at the mall food court. Who are these people? If you have ever walked into a Mardel or a Lifeway store, you know exactly who I am talking about: Christians. With a sense of ownership not unlike race or gender pride, Christians have made religion marketable. Every brand of candy has been magically transformed into a holy word or Scripture and ironed onto a T-shirt. There is a stigma that, if you are a follower of Jesus Christ, part of the “do and don’t” list attached to the contract requires a person to forsake all that is “secular” and embrace not only God’s grace, but the WOW 2010 CD that comes with it. It’s enough to drive us “recovering Christians” crazy, and enough to send the rest of the world running in the other direction. It is this reason why I find Matthew Paul Turner’s Hear No Evil so delightfully refreshing.

Writing from a Fundamental Baptist background, Turner writes this brilliantly sarcastic memoir concerning his experiences with Christian music. Each chapter bears a new and interesting encounter with a song, a beat, an artist, or an experience that parallels Turner’s evolving faith while giving the reader permission to relate. As I read about his desire to be the Jesus’s Michael Jackson as well as his mother’s hysterical reactions to Amy Grant’s “Baby, Baby,” I found myself shuffling through my bookshelf in attempt to locate the diary I was sure had been stolen. I recall the Celebrate Freedom concert in which I was not allowed to be the Raze CD because one of the girls wore a nose ring, singing from the Heavenly Highway Hymnal every Sunday, receiving awkwardly judgmental stares when, in high school, I played a confessional song that I wrote instead…the list could go on forever. Turner’s humorous overtones and his at times brutal honesty allow the Christian reader (I specify because the average reader does this anyway…for some reason we need permission) to stop pretending to accept societal rules and just see life exactly like it is.

What I loved even more than Turner’s experiences with music was the opportunity to see how these experiences molded his faith. As his encounters with the secular world increased, his ability to take ownership in his relationship with Jesus obviously evolves as well…and not in some checklist-chirpy-Jesus takes my blues away kind of way. It is the encounters with people such as Tina and Kyle that transform this book from a sarcastic commentary to an inspiring work that provides hope to those of us who are determined to love like Jesus. For those of us who have endured a legalistic upbringing, it is often tempting to pour cynicism and judgment onto every Christian who does not meet our standards, refusing to see the good in them. Turner’s confession of his first impressions of Tina as well as his decision to let her perform demonstrate to me a happy medium.Yes, it is okay to laugh at the silliness that sometimes pervades our faith. Yes, it is okay to feel enraged at the injustices that our brothers and sisters inflict on others. However, it is never okay to forsake the call of Christ—and that is to love Him, and love others. Hear No Evil inspires me to do this.

All in all, extremely readable, thoroughly enjoyable, highly recommended. Go to Matthew Paul Turner's blog, Jesus Needs New PR, and find out more about his book as well as his hilarious observations on life and faith.

Grief by Default

2010-02-17T18:49:00.001-08:00

How one deals with death differs from person to person. There are books, self-help CDs, television shows, and therapy sessions all geared toward our encounter with tragedy. However, how does a person deal with the grief of a friend who has just lost someone dear to them?
My roommate's mother died last week. After an 8 month battle with stomach cancer, she went to be with Jesus. My friend, who is stoic in all aspects, has composed herself beautifully through the whole process, being a pillar of strength to her family, seeming affected but not tormented. Now that the funeral is over, she is home, and things are starting to become real. Tonight I saw the depths of despair going on in her heart, and for once in a blue moon, I was speechless.
I want to help. I want to hug her and tell her it's okay even though it's not. I want to give her space. I want to speak words of wisdom into her life. I want to be silent. I want to take the pain away from her and see the joy flood back into her heart. But I am clueless on what to do.
I have been blessed that I have not yet lost a parent. I do not know how to help. Should I pray silently and let her alone? Is one expression of "I love you and am here" enough, or is this something that needs to be repeated? I trust God that He will sustain my friend, and that He will lavish His undying love onto her broken spirit. But if I can help that process, I want to. I would appreciate any advice from anyone who has been there or can relate.

My Hunger Games movie cast

2010-02-12T17:00:00.001-08:00

So, I know the rumors have been out for a while that Hunger Games is supposed to be a movie coming out in 2011. Lionsgate is supposed to be producing it. However, lack of information is driving me absolutely nuts! As I was digging around, I came across a blog called Lenzi Likes It. Lenzi seems to dig a lot of the same books/movies as me, specifically in teen fiction. She wrote several posts regarding her HG casting, and I have been inspired to do the same. One or two of her cast members I actually stole. I am going to lump them all together in one post, so comments about why will be minimal. Let me know what you think, and comment with your own cast ideas!

First of all, Katniss Everdeen. For Katniss, I chose Alexis Bledel.

Yes, I am aware that she is like 10 years older than Katniss is supposed to be. But her look and her "tough innocence" fits my image of Katniss perfectly. I think that she could be roughed up a bit and look the part, plus she is a good enough actress to be a fighter.

For Peeta, I chose a new TV hottie: Paul Wesley.

Paul Wesley is one of the stars of the show Vampire Diaries. I think that, with some highlights, he could be my Peeta. Honestly, this was the hardest one for me to cast, because all of the blonde haired, blue eyed Hollywood boys are SCRAWNY. And Peeta is definitely not. He needs to be a bit beefed up. So I think Paul might need some work, but it's a possibility.

I chose another VD star, Ian Somerhalder, for my pick as Gale.

Dark, rugged, and seemingly a good "bad" boy. Love him for Gale. I'm noticing that my people are too old, but I just think that the kind of action in HG calls for mature actors/actresses. Don't judge me.

For Katniss's sister Prim, I chose the ever-precious Abigail Breslin.

She is precious, sweet, and could be the innocent Prim that Katniss must step in for.

Rue was a struggle. I stole Lenzi's pick and cast Madison Pettis.

I don't even know what she is in besides The Game Plan. But she's a cutie and seems to fit the character.

I think I'm right on the money with my casting of Haymitch. I chose David Duchovny...and will explain.

Haymitch used to be a ruggedly good looking man. But due to alcohol abuse, he's become a washed up has-been. Duchovny is a good looking guy but could easily be made to look like an ex-champion. And he's straight forward with a dry sense of humor. Perfect.

Now all that is left are Katniss's parents and Effie.

Katniss's mom is a used up woman who is over medicated and lonesome. She's given up. After seeing the movie Gamer, I thought that Amber Valleta would be a great cast. The father is a warm source of strength. I imagine Eric Bana when I think of Katniss's fond memory regarding the mockingjay.

Lastly, Effie. Silly, over makeuped, waaay too bubbly. I like Drew Barrymore for Effie. No real reason, just matches my mind's eye.

Please, let me know your thoughts!

Teaching, Withdrawing, and a Return to Community

2010-02-07T20:11:00.000-08:00

A LOT has happened since my last blog post. I find myself so tired that the thought of blogging makes me exhausted...but if I don't update, I will have WAY too much to process.
A few weeks ago I started a new job. I now am a long term sub for a 3rd grade boy who is emotionally disturbed. ED, meaning that he flies into fits of rage and tries to choke people, knocking down furniture, etc. It's a challenge and leaves me exhausted a lot of the time, but I am learning so much about patience, and am trusting that God has me there for a purpose. I could talk a lot about this, but I really don't feel like spending the last moments of my weekend rehashing the hairy details of my school days.
This job is only part of the reason that I feel as though I've withdrawn from socializing lately. School has been a huge load that is leaving me with no time for fun. I also have not had time to work out, which seriously makes me feel more like crap. I got convicted about this a few weeks ago and am working on digging my way out. Tomorrow I'm hitting the gym, and I'm surrounding myself with positive people.
Tonight I went to a Super Bowl party with some really wonderful people. My weekend was spend with some godly women, and I couldn't have designed a better time than I had. It's so great to just laugh! I didn't realize how much I've missed spending time with friends/making new friends, but yesterday and today was a great reminder that, contrary to what Satan has been telling me, I do matter to people, and I do have meaningful relationships here.
I feel like the wah-wah nature of my blog calls for a lot more elaboration than I am giving, but again, I really don't feel like making someone read the depths of my soul here. I'm always willing to go into detail over dinner or a cup of coffee. :)

Challenge to anyone who reads my blog this week: evaluate your thought life. Are the negative thoughts in your life of you, of God, or of Satan? Don't let the enemy make a home in your head. Tell him to go to hell. Literally.

The "Three Date Curse"

2010-01-16T09:31:00.000-08:00

It has been brought to my attention that, when it comes to going on dates, I have a "thing," a quirk that presents itself subtly but surely into my relationships, no matter how casual or serious they are. I have dubbed this little jewel the Three Date Curse. Allow me to rewind a little bit and explain the TDC's origin.

In 2007, I helped out with a Disciple Now weekend in Port Aransas, where my friend Zac was serving as youth minister. One of my favorite Rho Beaus, Josh Myers, was helping out as well. Josh is one of those guys that will have your sides hurting within 5 minutes of talking to him. Quite enjoyable. But, at the time, the boy had been out of college for 3 years and had yet to really date a girl. I didn't get it. I asked him about it and he told me that he had gone on several first dates that went really well, second dates that had been fun, but by the third date, something shifted and he was suddenly bored and uninterested. I don't really know why I remember that, but I am fairly sure that I told him he was ridiculous. He's married now, so I can throw him under the bus all I want. :)

The Three Date Curse is exactly what Josh described to me, and is now haunting my social life. The first dates are usually awesome, second dates are fun, third date I'm done. Here's a look into my brain:
Date #1: Oh my goodness, now this guy is funny. And cute! Funny AND cute. AND look at how he opened that door for me. Excellent. I bet he will age really well, our children will look very nice with his genetics, and he's involved in church. Should I start looking at venues?
Date #2: Well, since Date #1 went so well, this is just one step closer to being able to change my Facebook status. Oh, look how he's trying to impress me. That's kind of cute. Or kind of not....just be yourself, dude. Ok, put your hand out during the movie in case he wants to hold it. No, wait. Do I want him to hold it? Yes...No...Yes...crap. No, I didn't say anything...more popcorn?
Date #3: Hmmm...I have got so much to do when I get home. Fold laundry, watch Biggest Loser on DVR, organize my hair products...I wonder if he knows that I am bored. If he likes me so much then why doesn't he just say so? Or do something? I can't handle that he likes me more than I like him. It freaks me out. I can't believe I am missing the Mavs game to sit here and smile and nod and say the same things I have said on #1 and #2. This is how the rest of our lives would be. Oh, dear Lord. get me out of here.

And, with that, the relationship with the unsuspecting XY chromosome has come to an end.

I really never mean to be that way...it just happens. And reflecting back on relationships that have lasted longer, I still can pinpoint the 3rd date as the turning point in which I was kind of over it, but just didn't want to hurt feelings. I wonder what happens between 1 and 3 that so drastically changes my mind. Maybe God has installed a kind of "He's not the one" filter into my brain and a switch goes off that makes me shut down. Or maybe I just date boring people. No offense if you are one of them, really it's not you, it's me.

I have been brainstorming ideas of how to break the Three Date Curse. Never date? Date more often? Assume I am nutso and just go on Date 4? I don't really know. Perhaps I will make a suggestion box and ask for helpful questions or comments. Or maybe I should just accept the fact that, in this one area, I am high maintenance and that maybe some day a guy will be great enough to break the curse. When I put it like that, it seems more of a fairy tale and less of a cause for medication. :)

A New Hard Drive, A New Year

2010-01-11T12:45:00.000-08:00

The post I have been wanting to write for over a week is finally able to exist, simply because the lovely Geniuses in Southlake called me and told me that my baby was ready for action. Yep, the 2nd time my hard drive has failed on me, but it is fixed, so no more complaining.
I have been thinking for weeks about what this new decade will hold for me. Not necessarily "for me" in the selfish, material sense, though I can't say that I haven't thought about that either. There are plenty of things that I want: a new apartment, another vehicle, money for clothes, a trip to Europe, etc. But the "for me" I have really been thinking about is what God desires for me in this new chapter of my life.
One of the biggest mistakes we as Christians make is to view God's will as what He wants us to do. I have spent most of my life living like this: running around like a kindergartner, asking permission to cut on the lines, color the picture, go to the bathroom, etc. But I no longer believe that this is, by definition, seeking God's will. It's no mystery...God tells us that His will is for us to love Him and to love others with a selfless love. Pretty simple. This being said, I believe that seeking God's will is less about DOing and more about BEing. Existing within the perimeters of God's calling; relentlessly seeking intimacy with Him; allowing that love to spill over and slosh onto everyone around you.
A lot of Christians I know can become what I lovingly refer to as the Jesus Police, making sure that everyone around them is doing God's will. "I'm worried about Suzie, because she has stopped working with the infants and has been missing Sunday School a LOT. What if she's hanging out with the wrong crowd?" Here is a thought: what if Suzie has realized that her career of trying to please God through service has left her empty, and she wants to step back and try to see God through the eyes of a child again, a task that is difficult to do when you are burned down to a nub. We forget about that little being called the Holy Spirit..that if God begins a good work in us, He will see it come to fruition. I have experienced this myself, taking up most of 2009. It was a year of healing, restoration, and me seeing who God is and what He can truly do. I have witnessed miracles in the lives of both strangers and loved ones, I have seen tragedy, I have seen love poured out onto both the tax collector and the Pharisee, and I have seen Jesus in all of these things.
If 2009 was a year of prep work, 2010 is the show. I feel as though last year was the training for the 2010 marathon. My heart is much more open to ideas, service, and genuine love than it ever has been. I have peace about my life for the first time in a long time. And I feel like I have been given eyes to see, at least to see further than I ever have.
So, instead of making stupid resolutions that I think matter but really don't, I am trying to introspectively make some character goals for this year...these are things that I think God has been prepping me for, and things that I have never surrendered to Him.

1. To genuinely show love to my family like I never have; to love them like this is the last year that they will be in my life.
2. To refuse to complain, and instead view every day through the eyes of God...keeping Romans 8:28 at the forefront of my vision.
3. To stop living for others, embracing what I have and not seeking out what I don't have.
4. To serve out of love, not out of obligation.
5. To recreate the habit of enjoying daily time with Jesus.
6. To utilize the power that He has given us to refute evil and defend what is good, giving Satan no opportunity to steal, kill, or destroy.
7. To allow myself to be challenged by things/situations that, in my own power, I will likely fail in.

I have already been given so many opportunities to see some of these things through. I'm grateful for a fresh start, and I hope to take full advantage of it.

Submission and the Christian Marriage

2009-12-21T14:04:00.000-08:00

Submission has become a buzz word as of late in the discussion of Christian marriage. With the surge of the feminist movement and the independent woman, the Lucy Ricardos have been slowly replaced by the Mary Tyler Moores, career women who can do it all, including having a family while simultaneously saving the world. The portrayal of men in the nuclear family has become less of a leader and more of the weak comic relief (point to Everybody Loves Raymond). Our current generation is experiencing the undertow of this transition, and we find ourselves asking how the world we live in can mesh with the Biblical concept of submission. Under this patriarchal structure, we women find ourselves feeling suppressed, stifled, and resentful. I know that growing up, my idea of Biblical submission seemed to be that, when push comes to shove, the man makes the decisions, and the woman keeps her mouth shut. I admit that if this is submission, it makes me want to puke.
I am not a career woman, nor am I a man hater or an immasculator. I simply am, as several friends put it, "a lot." I am passionate about my ideas, about God's plan for my life, and my personality exudes this to the point that I have to reign it all in. I know that God has created me this way, so I feel that I need to reexamine my idea of submission to find a different picture than what is presented before me.
In Ephesians 5, the roles of husbands and wives are drawn out fairly clearly. Wives are told to respect their husbands, and husbands to love their wives. At first glance, it appears that the woman is asked to check herself, so to speak. But I believe that we leave out a pivotal part of this passage when close reading, v. 21, which states "Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ" (Amplified Version). Let me break down my logic into bullet points:
1) When we are committing to marry, it is under the assumption that we love that person more than we love ourselves.
2) Therefore, every decision we make within marriage is first weighed against the benefit of our spouse rather than our own selfish gain.
3) If points one and two are actively lived out by both parties, doesn't this present the image of mutual submission?

Of course I want to marry a man that is the "leader" of my family. But in my opinion, a leader is not someone who tells me what to do and how to think. It is a man who knows me better than I know myself, who protects and provides for our family by maintaining integrity and honor, and who respects and loves me for who I am, not what I have to offer him. I think that the image of mutual submission best fits the servanthood of Christ, when He washes the feet of the disciples. By serving one another in marriage, we become more like Christ and live in the freedom of who He has created us to be.

Thoughts?

Who is he?

2009-12-20T22:35:00.000-08:00

I just got home from seeing the new Clooney movie "Up In The Air." Deep but not too deep, funny but not too funny, chick flick and guy movie all in one, this film explores the dynamic of commitment, relationships, and how companionship looks for all sorts of people. One scene in particular involves Clooney, his love interest who is in her mid 30s, and his 23 year old co-worker who was just dumped via text message. She begins to describe the perfect "love of her life," the person she refuses to settle with anyone else for. This man is described to a T, and has very specific appearance, job, etc. The movie portrays this girl's hopes as the norm for a 23 year old, and the other two characters exchange a knowing glance as though "she will learn sooner or later." As a 23 year old woman, I would like to defend myself and say that my desires are not unreasonable, though I find myself in the same boat as this girl often.
My criteria for the lucky gent who will eventually buy me a nice addition to my left hand is pretty simple, though a little specific, I think. Physically, the only thing I care about is that we have some kind of chemistry and that he tries to be healthy, and it might help if he were at least my height. But mainly I care about the heart. Loves Jesus. Loves people. Is outgoing and has a sense of humor. Is a leader but is not threatened by my opinions, and actually enjoys challenging and being challenged. Can be romantic (I almost choked on that one, don't know if I even believe in that, lol). Where are these guys? Why do I get flack for being specific instead of men getting flack for not stepping up?
Just some things I am thinking about.

English Extravaganza

2009-12-15T15:17:00.001-08:00

In about 30 minutes, I will be off to my end of the year party with my fellow English graduate students. If you would have asked me a year ago, I never would have guessed that I would be 9 hours into another degree by this time. Being in grad school has stretched me beyond belief...I have met people of all different walks of life, I have learned things that I didn't think I had the capacity to learn, and have become a much more well rounded person in my social life. I love that I am about to sit at a table and have margaritas with people who have completely different lifestyles and ideas than me, and that it is literature and a passion for words that binds us all together. This makes me so utterly happy. :) Just saying.

Hypocrisy or Vulnerability? This is Me: Suck It.

2009-12-11T13:03:00.000-08:00

As a Christian, I am constantly under scrutiny. Whether I realize it or not, there are people constantly watching every move I make, listening to how I speak, and evaluating my relationships with people. This used to be a source of pride for me in my legalistic days...I enjoyed it when people called me perfect, and found my worth and satisfaction in the expression "I could never be like that." Well, those days are long since gone, and I am finding myself facing a new challenge: being viewed, and even feeling like, a hypocrite.
By definition, a hypocrite is someone who says one thing yet does another: a person who does not "practice what they preach." This is usually the biggest gripe that society has with Christians. We are all hypocrites...we preach "perfection" yet do not practice it. Of course this is an accurate assessment to some extent; we try to do what is right, and of course, we fail most of the time. I think that the goal of churches such as TCAL, however, is to break through that image and to point out that it is not out of pride that we are hypocrites but simply out of our fallen nature, that we are all on an even playing field.
With this vulnerability of "here I am, here is my crap, this is me," I am finding that the Christian community does not necessarily approve. I feel myself being categorized as a hypocrite when I say I will stop gossiping yet fail miserably, when I say that I try to pray yet have a surge of anger towards God, etc. My vocalizing of these things, though intending to be more authentic, usually gives me more flack. People assume that I am not a "good enough Christian" to be in leadership. She has issues...we can't put her in charge. I say to you who think this, "You are full of crap." Maybe a word stronger than that.
I think that I am finally at that place where I can not care about those opinions. I don't hold bitterness toward the people from high school and college who aren't of the same opinion as me, and I remember when I was like that as well. But I refuse to filter and stifle the authenticity I feel it's my duty to live out just because it makes you uncomfortable. Obviously there is a balance...but if you truly desire community, that involves connecting at both the good level and the bad. Saying "you know, I am really not feeling it today."
Last week our small group coined the phrase "This is me: Suck It." As offensive as that may be, I want to put that on a T-Shirt and dance around a bit. I think I actually might. I care about your opinion if I am becoming a stumbling block to those who do not know Christ, but if you are a Christian and my openness about my life offends you, then by all means say your peace and keep on moving. I am sure that there is a less offensive hypocrite who would love to be your friend.
Harsh? Probably. But, in my opinion, necessary.

Bigger Than Me

2009-11-28T22:10:00.000-08:00

I have to confess that, approximately 99.9% of the time, I tend to be extremely nearsighted in my faith. The focus of my thoughts and prayers are what is right in front of me, the small things that just seem like giants, things that I can't seem to move past, to conquer, that consume my life. However, it seems as though in the past week God has revealed several things that have made my focus extend. It seems like members of my family are really battling right now, and I find myself seeing how blessed I am with each passing minute.
Blow #1: I went to the doctor with my mom and little brother on Monday. My brother has always been labeled as delayed, because his biological mother was MR and drank through her pregnancy. However, the doctors told us that he has cerebral palsy and will be so delayed that he will never be able to live independently. As much as it hurts my heart, I also wouldn't change a thing about him...it's just hard to hear those words articulated.
Blow #2: My mom's heart issues from a few years ago are starting back up again. She again did not tell us.
Blow #3: A new addition to my family has had some very scary tests and is praying that the big "C" word isn't present there.

All of this to say, I am in awe of how these individuals have handled themselves in their attitudes towards their situations and towards God. The bigger picture seems predominant; the idea of being used for God's glory seems to be the resounding theme. I find myself envious and convicted, knowing that I have the ability to draw close to God and feel that same sense of purpose in the most minute of my problems. All of the heartaches that seem to consume me are very very small in comparison to these things. I am inspired to surrender my heart fully to God, knowing that He does have purpose in all things, and that I have the privilege of being healthy right now, and can intercede powerfully on their behalf.

Love learning lessons the hard way.

When I am weak...

2009-11-17T21:14:00.001-08:00

So, for those of you that read my blog and don't see my Facebook/Twitter updates (which I am guessing might be no one) I have been quarantined due to the lovely little H1N1 virus. It's frustrating because it's not that the swine flu is as bad as I imagined...it's just draining. And taking FOREVER to go away. I have felt the exact same since Saturday morning, and it's getting old. I feel tired walking from one room to the next. I am achy. I blow my nose every five seconds. And to top it all off, I can't be around people. It's annoying, and I am just ready to be back on my feet and moving again!
One thing that I am learning though is that even (especially) in my weakest moment, God can really do good things. I feel that being sick has allowed me to take a step back from life and get some perspective on the way I have been going on. I have been acting like such a victim this past month, allowing my circumstances to get in the way of my joy of serving others, feeling so busy that I can't breathe, when in reality the things I have going on are manageable and are way better than what they could be. Reading a lot of Tanna's updates about Brittany really put the things I worry about into proper perspective. I have the full use of my body. I will not have the flu forever, and then I will be back in the gym and actually starting to substitute teach in the next week or so. I have a place to live, I have a bachelor's degree, and have not been kicked out of graduate school so I guess I am doing okay there too. It's time to really focus on God. He is the absolute author and finisher of my life, and He should be the center of my attention, not all of these inconsequential things that get in my way. I am working on making Him a priority like I seem to do with everything else. Sad that it has to be an effort, but we all have to start somewhere, right?

Spiritual Warfare

2009-11-11T08:54:00.000-08:00

Right now, I am supposed to be doing homework, but I feel that this is a more pressing matter. There is some major spiritual warfare going on in my apartment, and both my roommate and I are under attack. I do not want to go into further details on her end, but with me, every minute of every day I feel exhausted even attempting to deal with the situations going on here, and there is some tough stuff at work. Please pray that God will rebuke Satan from messing with our lives in this way, that we will both have the strength to fight, and that somehow God will give me strength for the both of us. Thanks.

My Heart.

2009-11-03T20:50:00.000-08:00

As much as I love that God knows me inside and out, and knows full well the desires of my heart, sometimes I wish that He wasn't the only one. I don't know if anyone can relate to this, but often I feel like people know different sides of me without ever getting the complete picture. It's rare that I come across a person that I can fully expose those hidden desires to, and feel completely unjudged and loved.
As member of the "single ladies," I think it's stating the obvious regarding the desires of my heart. I think the biggest struggle is questioning whether those desires are healthy or not. I have been taught since I was 14 that God is the one who fills me up, He is the only one who can meet those needs for me. I was also challenged this past year at TCAL when Paul preached about two 1/2s not making a whole...that I need to live my life and allow things to happen naturally. But at the same time, there is a void there that aches, especially around Christmas time.
Tonight, I was with a friend and her young daughter, who is about 3. This precious baby just clung to me, played ponies with me, had me read her books, and eskimo kissed me. My heart just melted, and the desire to start my own family just raged within me. It's all I can do to breathe in those moments, let alone objectively think to myself "God will fill this hole." Is it wrong to want this so badly? Every year it gets harder and harder to deal with. Every Christmas that I am the odd man out at the dinner table, every time I have to drive to family get togethers by myself...it just gets old.
It's basically causing me to question all that I have built my "standards" around. Have I made it impossible for guys to live up to the bar I have set? What is it that causes me to want something so badly then reject opportunities? I hate sounding like a broken record, but until I receive answers all I know to do is just to ask God to get me through, and to teach me to love others like I will one day love my husband, and through that grow to love Him even more.

My Europe.

2009-10-30T21:23:00.000-07:00

It's official. I have to go back to Europe and really get to experience the culture. I console the dull ache in my heart constantly, saying that I went to London for 2 weeks, most people don't get to do that. But I can't HANDLE IT ANYMORE!!! I need to roll down the green grasses of Irish hills, I need to see Edinburgh Castle, I need to travel Venice by gondola, to shop the streets of Prague, to get a Hungarian massage (NOT...that was for Kalie and Danielle)....I have to experience this in my life! Now, that whole money thing. I have a couple of options. Either a wealthy blog peruser will discover my blog and buy me a trip, or I will find myself a sugar daddy, or it will be around 2 years before I can make this trip happen. So just know that before I am 26, my European dreams will come true. I expect all of you bloggers to hold me accountable.

Prague Castle

Edinburgh

Tintern Abbey

Ireland.

Sigh.

Ah, the Dating Game

2009-10-29T20:20:00.000-07:00

Being a single woman in 2009 is a scary thing. The safety of being able to meet someone and trust that their intentions are good, they don't have a shady background, and that they really don't plan on trying to mug you is no longer present, causing us to be tempted to run background checks and finger printing on each man we come in contact with. Now, at Howard Payne, I never felt this come into play. Christian school, I know EVERYONE, therefore if you tell me that you are a nice person I am apt to believe you.
But now, it's different. Where do most singles meet other singles? Answer: the club or bar. Which creates a problem for people like me, who 1) don't really hit that scene up and 2) aren't looking for a random hookup. People like me who just want the companionship and are not wanting to just play around are forced to look at our social circles, and then if that's not happening, online dating or something like it. Within this circle seems to be two kinds of people: the ones who are not interested and the ones that are too interested. They either are single and living it up, or are so desperate that if you say one word to them, they "like" you.
Now I know I have cynical tendencies, but really? What's a girl supposed to do? I seriously laugh at what goes on in my head when I am approached by a man. I have become so jaded to the system that I immediately draw conclusions when someone does or doesn't show an interest. Here's the most recent: there are a couple of guys who I have known for a while that are kind of showing some interest. My problem is that I don't trust them at all. I am convinced that they are in desperation mode and that I happened to be standing there when the pheramones hit. Is that fair of me? Am I being cautious or just ridiculous?
A couple of years ago, I read "He's Just Not That Into You" and it is basically my Bible of dating. Unfortunately, as a result I have not dated a guy in 3 years. That's a LONG time. Sometimes I wonder if I am too picky, or if God is protecting me. There has to be a fine line. But I do feel at times as though I give off the "BACK THE F$%^ OFF" vibe. Unintentional of course.
Honestly, I am debating around in my head whether or not to give one guy in particular a chance. I never in my life would have thought of dating this person, but now I am not so sure. I don't know if it's me inventing things in my head, or if it's getting cold and I am in the snuggly state of mind, but I just don't know. Really wish dating was less complicated.

Getting Into God's Stride

2009-10-12T07:38:00.000-07:00

I am very much a gold star Christian. I want to grow closer to God, so I make a spiritual to-do list of everything I need to do to get things right and get closer. That said, I get very frustrated when something doesn't work like clockwork within that plan.

Last night I went to the movies with my friend Tiffany. We did a double feature: Whip It and Couple's Retreat. Both good movies, though Whip It wins for me. Couple's Retreat was hilarious. It centers around a couple who find that their marriage is falling apart, so they and 3 of their friend couples go to an island of Paradise to endure therapy and attempt to mend their relationship. This couple is type A to the max...every issue they discuss comes with a power point presentation, they follow the schedule to a T..and the husband is the worse. Nothing can deviate from THE PLAN, which eventually becomes his downfall.

Anyway, I was having a date this morning with good buddy Oswald Chambers, and today's topic was "Getting Into God's Stride." Chambers says that "the true test of someone's spiritual life and character is not what he does in the extraordinary moments of life, but what he does during the ordinary times when there is nothing extraordinary or exciting happening." Later, he makes the statement, "spiritual truth is learned in the atmosphere that surrounds us, not through intellectual reasoning." It was in reading this that I realized just how much I am like the husband in Couple's Retreat. I want so much to connect with God, so I "figure out" out to do it. I make a plan and try to adhere to it. I map it out completely in my head. Only as I go about the steps, there really isn't much actual connection going on. As a result, my faith really isn't that strong. I question constantly, and am not one to just rest in God's peace.

How does a person rework their brain to not work for gold stars? I am not sure. But I think the best place to start is to realize that me trying to DO things hasn't worked out so far. Instead, I am just going to pray and ask God to help me put aside the reasoner and just live in faith daily. Relationship over reason...easier said than done, but definitely worth it!

Money, money, money

2009-10-06T11:28:00.000-07:00

I should really be reading during my lunch break, but before I start I just need to process. A lot has happened in my brain in the past 48 hours, and I am trying to discern what is my PANIC button and what is God getting my attention. I just started my new job at 24 Fitness about 3 weeks ago. I like a lot of it, but sales requires a ruthlessness that I do not possess...for instance, I got chewed out the other day for not taking advantage of an old lady who can barely do the treadmill and sell her training sessions. I can't do that...also, as a sales person I am not allowed to be an instructor (company policy). Finally, I found out yesterday that I will be making around....$800 a month. Period.
So, I can't survive on that amount. I was a teacher last year, which means that I have big girl bills, none of which I can just cut bc I have a roommate. Rent, gas, groceries, electric, phone, internet...adds up to way more than that. Not to mention my lack of insurance. I am now back at the same place, wondering what the heck I need to be doing with my life.
I do miss parts of teaching. I miss a lot of my kids. It was suggested to me that I go back to teaching, and try a different age group. Just as a sub, I will make way more money. But, I am scared! What if I do it and it's the same? I am tired of feeling like a flaky quitter. I want to do something I am good at and am passionate about. I am trying not to overanalyze but it's just freaking me out. I just want to honor God with my decision and refute the worry that is quickly infiltrating my heart. I would really appreciate any feedback or opinions.

Choosing our own martyrdom

2009-10-01T08:36:00.000-07:00

We started small group back up a couple of weeks ago, and it's absolutely one of my favorite parts of the week. I love the people, both the ones I know and the new people coming, and it's such a sweet time of encouragement to see what God is doing in everyone's lives. As a group, we are going through "Our Utmost For His Highest," a book that I have always thought about doing but never have. And let me tell you...as far as devotionals go, it seems like this one is consistently slapping me in the face with things that I need to hear but might not want to.
Yesterday focused on the "assigning of the call." Chambers talks about how we take what we are good at and what makes us happy, assuming that that is God's call for our lives. If it's uncomfortable, that must not be it. He makes this profound statement: "We cannot choose our own martyrdom...." DANG. How often do we try to do that? We place ourselves in situations where we expect to receive a certain level of flack, but it's what we can handle. I know I do this on mission trips. My mind is ready, so when people reject me, it hurts but I still feel in control.
This really convicted me about my job. I love working at the gym, and I prayed so hard for that job opportunity to open up. Now that I have it, I have realized that I am not a good sales person AT ALL and I think other people are starting to notice it as well. So I immediately start to question whether or not it's where I need to be. Now I am thinking, maybe just maybe God is doing something here, and I need to take advantage of it. The worst thing that can happen is that I will get fired. So I just need to work hard and try to be a light in a dark place.
Today's message goes along with this as well. In talking about spiritual highs, a lot of times we think that a good Christian life means constantly staying on the mountain...always feeling God's presence about you, always feeling that intimacy. But Chambers says that "the true test of our spiritual life is exhibiting the power to descend from the mountain." Those moments of elation are meant to encourage, not to be our normal life. Most of it will be spent in the ordinary, in the valley. The mountain gives us the hope and the strength to draw from in the valley.
I think that I question far too often..any time there is a glitch in THE PLAN. I was made not to sit and bask all the time in how perfect my life is, but to tackle the world's mess every day with the knowledge that God HAS me. That phrase from Sunday has really hit home with me over and over again...He HAS me. He knows about my money. He knows about my family. He knows about my inner struggles. But He's got it taken care of. I can't choose my trials, but I can choose to shine His light through them and allow them to mold and change me.

Story part 6

2009-09-19T20:24:00.000-07:00

Just an announcement to the world...I fit into my college jeans this week. Boo yah.

I can be a complainer at times, especially when it comes to plans falling through. I have made countless bucket lists throughout my life, and never tend to follow through with the wishes on them, and I tend to think I am so uncultured. Looking at it retrospectively, I think that I have actually had a lot of life experiences that most people don't get to have.

The summer before my senior year, I applied to go overseas through Go Now Missions. I was thinking I would wind up in Africa teaching children English. However, at the training, that was the one trip that was cancelled. I ended up getting placed in New Albany, Indiana. The US. I was like, "God, really?" Yet another plan falling through. However, I didn't know what God was about to do in my life.

I worked in a crisis pregnancy center in Indiana for two months. Those two months did so many things: provided an opportunity for me to heal from the past while physically separated from it, gave me a heart for people of my own race, introduced me to people who are some of my closest friends today, and the biggest thing, showed me that God really does work all things together for my good.

Let me explain...if I had never gone through all of the crap I did, I would not have been able to understand the feeling the women coming into the center had of absolute hopelessness. Though I have never been pregnant, I do know how that feels. To feel rejected by everyone, that you have no future and no one to care about you. God allowed me to share His love every day to these ladies, and I felt whole, complete, and truly healed.

It was actually during those 2 months that I started blogging. You can look back in the archives if you want. It is so freeing to see that it wasn't a fad..that God truly did change me so much, and He did use me! And no one can take that away.

Sidenote: the one thing about working in a pregnancy center is that you get baby crazy...which unfortunately is not possible for me to do...kind of like locking a diabetic in the bakery closet. lol

Finding Your Soulmate Workout

2009-09-15T22:16:00.000-07:00

I think that anyone who is my Facebook friend knows that I have a friend crush on Chalene Johnson, the creator of Turbo Kick. I follow her tweets, her blog, and her facebook updates and am inspired by her life and her accomplishments every single day. About a week ago, she mentioned the concept of a "soulmate workout" in one of her blog posts. It's a term that I have really latched onto and I want to add some commentary to it for a minute.

According to Chalene, a soulmate workout is a workout that you not only do often, but truly enjoy doing. It doesn't have to be what you do every day, but your soulmate workout is the workout that is not a hassle, but is a pleasure to do. It's fun. It brings you joy. You work very hard to excel at it. Chalene says that EVERYONE has a soulmate workout, but not everyone knows what it is because many people associate working out with a treadmill or an elliptical, or think that working out means lifting weights. Not discounting that by any means...obviously those things are not mine. :)

My soulmate workout is, winning by a landslide, Turbo Kick. A mixture of kickboxing, dance moves, and awesome music, I blast away calories and have a great time doing so! This workout is something I base my schedule around. It is quickly becoming a part of my social life as well...since I am doing homework 24/7, I don't hang out with people unless I see them at the gym. I absolutely love it.

Exhibit A: My Turbo Glow Party outfit:

Contrary to popular belief, Turbo isn't the only thing that I do. I lift weights, I go running, I do sculpting videos, I cycle, I have pretty much done everything except Aqua, and that is next on the list. I enjoy several of these, but none like Turbo. And the KEY to being consistent is to find something that you love!

My friend Tanna said that she loves running and is able to really engage in prayer time with God during a run. My roomie, though she loves Turbo like me, absolutely loves lifting weights and would go to a lift class every day if she could. My cousin is a P90x junkie. So don't be afraid to try new things! Working out is anything that raises your heart rate, makes you sweat, and burns calories. Maybe you just LOVE running up stairs. Maybe you are a salsa dancing diva. It doesn't matter! Find your soulmate workout and just throw yourself into it! The person who comes out will not only be a hotter outside, but will express a more joyful and confident inside as well.

Story of a Girl, Part 5

2009-09-15T21:48:00.001-07:00

Picking up where I left off last week...

This is my favorite part of the story to tell. Why? Because this is when I begin to see God really cracking the surface of my protective wall I had build around me for 20 years. It's both great and frustrating to reflect upon, because I wish I could have just known all of this then! What a waste of 20 years living under the pretense that I had to earn God's love! Sigh. All things have a purpose, and now I know, and I can live in the freedom of it all, but still. Grr. Anyways...

Entering my junior year at HPU, I was confused about a lot of things. 1) I went from practically engaged to single and emotionally torn up, 2) I had moved off campus and was living with people I wasn't sure I would click with, and 3) I had started to gain weight again. I think I was fairly optimistic about the whole thing, but I still failed to see the big picture. Now my image was shattered. Not only did all of the student body know about my imperfections, but God did too..and He wasn't going anywhere. I didn't really know what to do with that. Around the first month of school, I remember a situation in which I was furious at a certain individual. I tested this newfound freedom and screamed "_______ is such an asshole!" to my poor housemates. First time I had said a curseword in my life. I waited for the lightning to strike...waited...and waited...and waited. Never happened. I couldn't figure it out. Why isn't God punishing me? I will tell you that God's grace is never something I fully grasped. I mean, I always knew it was there, but I think that subliminally I thought that I was so good that I didn't need it. I began to see a tiny glimpse of God's love for me.

After about a month and a half, I realized that I couldn't fully figure it all out on my own. The effects of the previous year were still bearing down on me, and I was taking 20 hours and couldn't fully process. So, I emailed a friend of mine and asked for a reference to a Christian counselor (for a friend of course) and decided to give it a shot.

Yep, I said counselor. Gasp. After all of the childhood drama and me swearing I would never do it again, I was going to pay someone to help me sort through my crap. So I drove to Ft. Worth once a week from Brownwood to talk to this woman. I saw her for about 5 months. In our first few meetings, I tried to be as honest as possible and tell her everything. One thing that I realized during those first few sessions is that I started defending myself even in my most brutally honest moments. I could never just admit that I was angry. Or that I was hurt. Or that I just was downright needy. I kept trying to keep the perfect picture intact...well God quickly just shattered it.

That was the most powerful, freeing thing in the entire world. To realize that I was the epitome of the Christian kid yet I truly was a sinner, and that God still loved me. I really couldn't wrap my brain around it. He wasn't asking me to portray what Christianity should look like...I wasn't a billboard for a religion, which is what I had felt like my whole life. I was His bride, His love! This turning point set me on a path of growth like never before.

I think that for a while I tested it out. Had a margarita with the folks, slipped a curse word here or there, didn't read my Bible for a while, etc. I just wanted to see if the whole unconditional thing was for real. Eventually I think I found the happy medium, though it took me quite a while. Sometimes I still think I am looking for it. Anyways, I started feeling loved for me, which was never something I had experienced in a relationship.

Tying this in with today...it has been three years since I have had a boyfriend. I have not dated anyone since God revealed all of this to me. Not that I don't want to, but I can see that it has taken a while for God to slowly peel off the layers of my false identity, of the lies that Satan told me, to bring me to a place that I am not only comfortable in my own skin, but excited about the woman that God has designed me to be, and fully basking in His love.

This is not to say that I haven't had some pitfalls since this moment. My family has had some definite financial issues. I had an extremely traumatic situation my senior year in which a close friend tried to take advantage of me. Friendships have changed, location has changed, career has changed. But through it all, God has not stopped showing me how much He loves me.

Next time I want to talk about the summer in Indiana in which God really shifted my worldview. Those two months are definitely on the timeline of importance.

Sidenote: tomorrow I am going blonde again. I am nervous about it but kind of excited. :)

A Cluttered House Equals a Cluttered Mind

2009-09-14T13:20:00.000-07:00

Taking a break from the bio for a moment. I have so much school to do that digging into my life isn't something I can do off the cuff. So, yeah. lol.

Anyone who has been inside of any home I have dwelled in knows that I am NOT a neat freak. I go through stages, the best being mild clutter to the worse, meaning "Does a human live in here???" My mess is NEVER unsanitary, mind you...it's just clutter explosion!

A few weeks ago, I stumbled upon a website of a woman called the Fly Lady. She gives you simple steps to declutter your life, starting with your kitchen sink and spreading throughout your house. This works for me, because I can't do marathon cleaning sessions. I do 15 minutes at a time before my attention is taken by something/someone else. But I cleaned my apartment, and felt really good about life.

Then.....

1) Couldn't find a job. 2) School was requiring more books, more time, more brain than I possess. 3) Early morning workouts involved early bedtimes plus naps. 4) This weekend got a throat infection.

This morning, I took a good look around...and felt like I couldn't breathe! There is junk EVERYWHERE!!! And when it gets like that, it takes everything for me not to just walk away from it. Ask the roommate...one of our many differences. What I have come to realize is that, just as my outward appearance reflects my state of mind, so does my mess! The two are most definitely intertwined. When I am trusting in God to take care of me, when I am optimistic and feeling good about life, things stay clean. When I am freaking out and stressed beyond all comprehension, my desk and laundry basket explode and bury me under them. I am tired of it! :)

The point of all of this, is that there are two possibilities here: I control the mess, or it controls me. If I want to help give my attitude a push in the right direction, then it's time to clean up the crap. Bottom line. No matter how much it is stressing me out. So, that is what I am going to do when I push "Publish": Set the timer for 15 minutes and clean like crazy!!!

Ready....Go!

Retracting the Tantrum, plus Story part 4

2009-09-05T11:11:00.000-07:00

So this morning I woke up with a voicemail from 24 Fitness, saying that I did indeed get the job. I take back everything I said yesterday, except for the fact that I still hate the economy. lol. So, as of now, I am a membership counselor at the Mansfield 24 Fitness! Come and see me, I will HOOK YOU UP. :)

Do you ever look back on portions of your life that were only a short time, but seemed decades long? That is what Howard Payne feels to me now. I have been out for a year, and reflecting on college feels like I am reflecting on my life, period. I think that we go through so many transformations during those 4 years (or 5, or 6, depending) that we remember a completely different person than who we were when we were through. At least, that is how it was for me.

The summer before I started school, I decided that I would not be fat. I wanted to have friends, go on dates, and be popular. I would not let the nicknames such as "Caty-cow" follow me to this place of refuge I was headed. So, I decided to walk 5 miles a day and rarely eat. I would cry if I let myself have a chicken tender, then immediately go work out. I won't say that I had an eating disorder, but I was on that path. I only include this to let people know what was going on under the exterior. I lost 15 pounds that summer, got some new clothes and a great haircut, and got ready to show everyone what a great Christian I was.

First day of school, I meet a blonde girl who was THE most outgoing person I ever met. We immediately became friends, and made it our mission to meet everyone in the freshman class. "Yes!" I thought. Everything is going on according to plan. I was in the right circles, found an absolutely AWESOME church where I plugged in quickly, got involved in student government, and had a boy interested in me.

Before you have a heart attack thinking that I am about to unfold secrets that are not okay with him, let me just tell you. Years after this portion of our lives, we are friends. We have talked several times about how God has used our relationship, so it's fine. If you need to, ask him. But this is a pivotal part of who I am, and I can't leave it out. This whole vulnerability, you know.

The boy. Tall, handsome, thought I was funny, worked in ministry, paid me lots of attention...what more could a girl want? I decided right then that I would not screw this up. Can you tell that perfectionisim is an issue with me? I would always say the right thing, wear the right clothes, do the right things, if it meant I could actually date a good guy. After the awful high school situation, I told myself that I would never have my heart broken again, and would protect it at all costs. So this guy and I dated for a while, kept it on the DL from most people (which should have been a clue to both of us), dated again...it just was a vicious cycle. Finally, when I pledged Rho, we made it official to the public. It would be too hard for me to fulfill pledging responsibilities as well as have a healthy relationship if things weren't out in the open. Pledging, though wonderful, made me so tired. I wouldn't be able to go see the Boy till 11 or 12 at night...so what do you think happened? We ended up really struggling physically, again getting way too close to the bar. But this time, I didn't cry and break it off. I just kept coming back for more. We would mess up, we would feel bad, we would say it was the last time. Every time we hung out. It's a miracle that we never "did it." Serious miracle. After working together for a summer, we broke it off, only to get back together 3 months later. The second go round was MUCH more intense. He approached me with a full apology, telling me he loved me, which at that point he had never said. He apologized to my mom for hurting me in the past, promising to be there for me from now on. I fought it at first, but eventually said ok. We entered into this head over heels section of a relationship, and started making plans for the future. I knew in my heart that he was it. I met his family, loved them to pieces, made plans to transfer to another school after he graduated so we could get married. Life was so great.

Then, the flip of the switch.

It's fuzzy to me how everything happened...one minute we were great in my Barbie doll fantasy relationship bubble, then we weren't. I said something that was taken out of context, and suddenly I was shut out. The man I was going to marry just stopped talking to me. Stopped calling, wouldn't make eye contact with me, said he couldn't trust me or forgive me. I was dumbfounded...what could I do? But I loved him so much that I wasn't going to let him go. His parents saw what was happening, and begged me to wait it out. No one really knew what to do. I fell into this deep hole of depression. I would eat maybe three yogurts a day, sleep a lot, turn out all the lights, cry. Make that weep. I am surprised people on my hall never said anything to the RD. I cried more than I can imagine anyone crying. I would throw my Bible after begging God to comfort me, to give me an answer, and decided that maybe He didn't love me either. I knew it was something that I did...where did I mess up? How could I fix it? I had so carefully structured this life for myself, and it was all crashing down. A relationship that I invested 2 years of my life into was crumbling and out of my control. I ended up going to the doctor because I had cried so much that my ribcage around my lungs became inflamed, making it hard for me to breathe.

One day, he started talking to me again. Never apologizing, but wanting to just forget the whole thing. I was eager to do the same, but couldn't seem to let it go. I had lost many friends over the whole ordeal. In fact, my bubbly freshman friend told me point blank, "I can't really handle you like this." I had one friend who really, truly stuck by me. She is still my best friend today. I know that God put her in my life to keep me from doing something stupid. On nights that I retreated into that dark place, she would show up with Ben and Jerrys and an movie. Anything to keep me occupied. I thank God for her so much.

The boy graduated, and we tried to tackle our issues over the phone. Most of our conversations ended in hateful words. Two of my guy friends sat me down, and told me a truth that no one up until this point had ever dared tell me: "He isn't right for you. He has never been right for you, and this relationship is destroying you. We don't even recognize you anymore." Suddenly, it clicked. This had to end. I deserved something good, because God loves me. I realized that the silence I had been so angry with God over was actually a booming, resounding, "He's treating you like crap, so let it go!" I broke off the relationship and began trying to get healthy.

Sidenote: it took a long time for us to be friends again. I prayed for over a year to be able to forgive him, and had to tell him verbally about 4 times. We didn't talk for a long time, and I stayed angry for a long time. But I can say that we are cool now, and that as painful as it was, I consider our relationship one of the major flames that has molded me and shaped me into the person I am today.

Road to recovery...next time.

The Recession, plus Story Part 3

2009-09-04T20:40:00.000-07:00

So, I really hate the economy right now. Can I say that? It's so dadgum hard to get a job! I had a really great interview today, but I am pretty sure I didn't get the job, because the manager of 24 Fitness said he would call me today if I was hired..and no call. But maybe he just got busy. I don't know. So I am trying to really trust that God is not going to leave me hanging. I know He isn't, but I really haven't been in this situation financially EVER, you know? I am just praying that my independent business will take off soon, because I know that is something I am meant to do!

So, back to the story. This really isn't a fun part to tell. I have been putting it off and dreading it, mostly because it's not familiar to a lot of people, even those close to me. But it needs to be said. The physical transformation I went through from my freshman to sophomore year of high school completely changed the way people saw me. Now, not only do I have the joy of the Lord making me outgoing, but I have highlights, no more braces, a tan, and a curvy figure. All of a sudden, everyone who had given me crap for so long were confused. Their thoughts were something to the effect of: "what do we do with her? She's much better looking, but still a prude." So I became Object: bring Caty down to our level. Luckily I stayed out of trouble with guys that year, but it never occured to me to hold off on dating or to look for a growing Christian. According to my family, if he went to church and wasn't trying to get me under the covers, it was all good.

My trouble began at the end of my sophomore year. A guy 5 years older than me, who I had been friends with for a while, started showing interest in me. This caused a rift between my parents: mom thought it was fine, dad said no. Guess what I went with? I lied to my dad for a while, but finally told him, deliberately disobeying him. I started dating this guy, who began to really push me physically past what I was comfortable with. At 16, I got very close to having sex, and being terrified, broke the relationship off. I found out later that it was a big joke to him also, which crushed me. This guy was my first love, and I felt so insecure after that. Would the next guy use me too?

Even more scary was the door that was opened. Before this relationship, physicality was never a temptation with me. I had kissed before, but it wasn't a big deal. Now, all of a sudden, I had this inner label of shame attached to me. Plus, I realized that I enjoyed the physical. It was a place where no one could fight with me or tear me down...I felt in control. I carried this even into my first years of undergrad at HPU.

Howard Payne...finally a place where I could meet people of shared values! Within the first few weeks, I had met so many people, made friends, and met a really cute guy. In months, I would think he was THE guy. I will save that part for next time...

Have a great weekend everyone!

The Story of a Girl, Part 2

2009-09-02T06:42:00.000-07:00

So I haven't written anything in a week, partially because I haven't had time, and well...I haven't had time. Graduate work is a beast, even though I love it. Plus, I have been busting my but to possible audition for 24 Fitness on Friday as a TKB instructor! So keep your fingers crossed for me...

So picking up from the Christian counselor...I am not sure where little Edna got her credentials, but when I talked to her about my depression, feelings of guilt, etc., her suggestion was a psychiatric hospital. Mind you, I was 10. Obviously my parents refused, so I was referred to a psychiatrist that was not Christian. The reason for this was that he could prescribe medication, and that seemed like the obvious solution to the parents. Looking back now, it makes me sad that I missed out on such a happy part of my life. Why didn't anyone think, "Maybe she just needs to talk it out?" But instead, I tried to get better so that I would stop putting everyone else through hell. My home was full of tension, people not knowing what to do with me. Honestly, the best part about the whole situation was that I started journaling, which has led to my love for writing today.
I was prescribed Prozac, then something stronger, not really making much progress. I cried all the time and had a hard time making friends...because I didn't know how to react to people my own age. I had big teeth, bifocals, and was constantly trying to play up the "smart" card, which made everyone feel more at ease around me.
When I was in the 6th grade, my mom and stepdad moved me from the 5A Mansfield school district to Iredell, TX, population 360. That's right...10 people in my grade. I think they thought I would stop with the perfectionism, but I became more determined to be both liked and smart. I think the thing I am most thankful for in junior high was the involvement of team sports. This gave me something to look forward to, taught me social skills, and helped me grow out of my awkward appearance stage. Basketball and academics became my life. As I entered high school, I became more and more comfortable with myself, and began to transform from extreme shyness to an outgoing personality.
Let's talk a little bit about religion. If you have heard of the term "legalism," that scratches the surface of what I was raised in. You don't drink. You don't curse. You don't have sex. You read your Bible. Go to church when the doors are open. These are the things that one must do to have a relationship with God. The whole goal is to not disappoint Him. So in all things, I acted as though I loved God, but in reality thinking He must not love me. Yet another motivation for perfection. Even though I grew up knowing about God, I had a true Holy Spirit encounter when I was 14. I met someone like me, who was constantly trying to be perfect, but had truly encountered God's grace. It was then that I believe I truly accepted Christ. However, unlike many testimonies, my real difficulties started after my transformation. We will save some of that for next time.

Beauties and the Beast, Round 3

2009-08-23T21:00:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is the first day of a 17 week long weight loss challenge. Some girls in my small group have participated in the past 2 challenges, and they have seen amazing results, so I decided that this time I would tag along. Basically, my eating is about to be taken to a whole new level! I am excited on one hand, but on the other I am afraid. I keep hearing these voices in my head: "What makes you think that you can stick with it this time? How are you any different?" Before I would have called that my cold feet, but now I recognize it as the voice of Satan. He wants me to fail. He wants to cripple me in my journey, and rob me of the joy I am experiencing through all of my fitness networking. But I know that I have the support of, get this, 69 women in this challenge! Isn't that insane??? I think that this challenge will not only help me lose the weight, but will provide me with the accountability and friendship I need in life to feel encouraged and grow in my faith. So a lot of my posts will probably deal with the challenge, seeing as how it will consume a big part of my life for the next few months!

The Amazing Love of Christ

2009-08-20T09:14:00.000-07:00

Since my last post, I have really sought God on the condition on my heart, and am overwhelmed at his response. Now, I know that not a lot of people read my blog, but there is always that fear that I am going to write something really personal and someone will judge me for it or just write me off. But I feel like I have gotten over that, at least for today. So, I am going to write about the amazing revelation that has occurred in my life this past week.
I have been on a journey to lose weight since my junior year of college. Before that, I had worked out, eaten salads, etc., but never really dug in. Obviously, I have never been consistent enough to see results. I put this desire, this THING (as it has become) to the side, focusing on being healthy in all other aspects of my life. The task of being fit was daunting; every time I would eat crap, I would have this out of body experience, watching myself eat, just saying "Caty, what are you doing? Why are you eating that?" but would continue. Eat, chew, work out, whine that I didn't lose.
Many of you know that I have become a Turbo Kick junkie. I started doing it in college, and have been off and on with it. In April I got certified to teach it, a step in good faith, but still look the same because of my inconsistency. Last week I was sitting there, reading blogs of many of my fitness heroes, (Chalene Johnson, Mindy Lawhorne, Michelle Myers, etc) and all of a sudden it clicked: I wasn't anywhere near healthy in any other arena in my life. My loathing of my own body has overflowed into my spiritual life, my social life, my love life, etc. It has become my crutch for failure. Anytime I get rejected by a guy, I think to myself, "It must be because I am too fat. Well I don't want to date a jerk like that anyway." I blamed God for not helping me out along the way. My feelings about myself affected how I communicated with people. All of this came rushing in last week while I was at work, almost immediately after my little hissy fit on my last post. I decided that enough was enough, and that I was done settling for unhealthiness if I ever wanted to be free of this mess that I call food.
Until last week, I didn't realize how much control food had over me. It literally has become an obstacle blocking communication between me and God. As silly as that seems, I see the proof in it now that I have been faithful to work out and eat healthy for just a week. Just ONE WEEK. And I feel so light spiritually, this freedom within me!
I have also come to accept the fact that I cannot start finding reasons to be rejected. I am content being single, but guess what...I want a relationship when God deems the timing right, and there is NOTHING wrong with that! If I can accept that it's not about my weight, but maybe this negative aura I carry around, then maybe I will be even more okay. I can't control that arena of my life...but I can control being the best ME I can be. God can use me right now, and I want to really be obedient to that. That was a hard realization yesterday...I felt really alone for about 10 seconds and then....(now you can choose to believe me or not) I heard God say to me, "You are my child, and you are NEVER alone." Seriously...first time that's happened in a while. So I have been repeating that to myself over and over...and I know that eventually I will start to believe it!
I must say, it's amazing how much Jesus loves me. He never gives up on me, even when I am impossibly pig headed and stubborn. And now, I won't give up on me either...because I know I am not doing this alone.

Ranting

2009-08-13T14:04:00.000-07:00

I am about to go on a little rant. No one is forcing you to read it, so go ahead and hit the "Back" button if you don't want to hear my irrational girl qualms. K...so evidently, because I happen to be out of college and single, that makes me the poster child for single women??? Um, I think not. I don't think I have reached the point of taking my vow of celibacy and joining the convent. I have not stepped on this pedestal of singleness and said, "I have chosen to shun relationships and shall show all of you how to live your lives fully content with being single!!" I have reached a place in my life that I am content with how things are for now, and am being patient about God's timing in the matter. Please don't give me ammunition to fire back at you, you well meaning people who think that I am one of THOSE women. Do I have a briefcase in my hand? Do I wear power suits? Do I have a blackberry? No. I am barely getting by financially, all the while thinking "Man, double income would sure be nice." My career ambition: to be a wife and a mom. So there. Please do not ask me to be the leader for Single Women United...not happening. I am just saying, I think I would know if I were called to be single, and HELLO I AM 23. Not like the reproductive system is drying up yet.
K I am done. Thank you blogger for providing an outlet before I breathed fire onto some unknowing pedestrian.

Birthday thoughts

2009-08-04T15:53:00.001-07:00

On Saturday, I will be 23 years old. To me, this is a random age. However, this is the first time that I feel like I really belong in the adult world. Is that weird? I have been out of college for a year, work all of the time, go to bed early, etc. All of these things fit the profile of an adult. But I think that there is so much more to it than that. For the first time in my life, I feel a level of contentment at what comes my way. Not to say that I don't struggle with it at times, but for the most part I feel at peace about God's timing and provision. This is also odd to me because right now, I feel like life is at its craziest. I am trying to continue to be a light in a dark place, and the feeling is good.
Not to say that there aren't things I miss...I love the freedom of going where you want when you want, to travel abroad at the drop of a hat, to not do my own taxes...lol. But I don't resent adulthood for that. I know that if its God's will for me to do those things, it will happen.
Nothing profound today...just some things I am reflecting on.

Ugh.

2009-07-15T19:11:00.000-07:00

I just feel like being a little bit transparent...there is one part of my life in particular right now that I am having the hardest time surrendering to God. As a whole, I have peace about the issue, but my heart needs to get the memo. What do you do when you logically know something is not going to happen, but your heart tells you otherwise? I have been burned before and it scares me to be wrong again. It's also an unnerving thing that my attempts in the past year to be vulnerable have come across to some as negativity and complaining. Let me just tell all of you (being the handful that read this), I do not feel like a negative person. Jesus Christ has given me hope; he has taken me from the pit, set my feet on a rock, and given me joy. I have a reason to get up in the morning...I experience a constant stream of LOVE. But, along with that, I reflect a lot. I do not want to let any negativity set up camp in my heart, so I process through it. I ask God for wisdom and strength. I think it is foolish to plaster a smile on all the time and advertise the Polly Pocket Gospel that all of us are so used to. I want people to see that I am not perfect, that I struggle, but that it doesn't end there. God always works my issues out for good according to His purpose. Wow...I needed to hear that right now. Didn't really resonate till I typed it. See? There you go. Lol. Sorry for the randomness of this post, but I needed to process.

Isaiah 65: 1-2 The Message

2009-07-09T10:18:00.000-07:00

"I've made Myself available to those who haven't bothered to ask. I'm here, ready to be found. I kept saying, 'I'm here, I'm right here' to a nation that ignored Me. I reached out day after day to a people who turned their backs on Me, people who make wrong turns, who insist on doing things their own way."

I am realizing more and more how judgmental my first instinct is. I don't articulate it much, but when encountering many people/situations, my first reaction is to make a judgment about him/her/it. This is especially true with Israel. I have read the Old Testament more than once, and every time I roll my eyes with disdain at the Israelites. I think to myself, "Geez! Don't you people get it already! Here you have God tangibly speaking, tangibly rescuing you, making food fall from Heaven, giving you the Promised Land, and you STILL DON'T GET IT." Of course I would be different, I think to myself. I am always confident I would do a much better job at being Israel.

Yesterday was my first day of grad school classes. As I sat and listened/watched the discourse going on around the table, I was amazed at how small I felt. I had no idea what anyone was talking about, and had a perpetual question mark on my face. The expert English-ites were trying to be helpful, but most seemed condescending. I felt that the professor must have been questioning my acceptance in the program. As I drove away, I thought about all of the work I had to do, and the lack of time in which to do it all. I thought about my job, and how I am still learning so much and have not yet found my comfort zone there. I thought about the possibility of disappointing my family, who has so much faith in me to do it all. And I burst into tears.

After an afternoon of rejecting phone calls and watching empty hours of television, it hit me really hard that I hadn't yet brought this before God. I hadn't asked the Comforter for comfort, the Prince of Peace for a sense of calm, the Almighty for an ounce of strength. Score: Israel-1, Me-0. Sigh. How on earth did this happen? Maybe because life has been pretty smooth sailing for a while and I haven't needed to rely on God. Maybe I didn't want to hear what He had to say. Maybe I wanted to prove something...I don't know. What I do know is that I can't do this alone. Maybe I will need my friends and family's help. Maybe I will need to get some tutoring. Or maybe I just need to get a reality check and ask God to start chiseling away all the pride that is blocking my sight of Him. In any case, Israel, I take it back.

Overanalyzing Analysis

2009-07-06T08:44:00.000-07:00

On Wednesday, my first graduate class begins. Because this was the only English course offered in Summer II, I will be taking a class called Critical Contemporary Theory (or maybe it's Contemporary Critical...I don't know). The focus is on psychoanalysis, specifically in regards to film and the theorist Jacques Lacan. Now, looking back over the last couple of sentences it seems like I really know what I am talking about. Um...no. We have to have the first textbook read and have questions ready by this Wednesday...like, 2 days from now. I have 3 chapters left, and let me tell you: I have no idea what this stuff is talking about. Every now and then I will pick up on some nugget of info I can wrap my brain around, but for the most part, I am just writing questions down. But there is one thing that I did find interesting that I thought I would write out.
One part of Lacan's theory is that each person has two levels of dialogue: the ego and the unconscious. The ego is what we consciously think and believe about ourselves. It's what we say, what we write on resumes, the thoughts that run through our brain when we take Facebook quizzes, etc. The unconscious, however, is full of words, thoughts, desires, etc. that at some point were shoved aside when we were first developing, and they are our "true" selves. Honestly, when I read this stuff, my first thought is that it's crappy psycho-babble. I think that people have too much time on their hands breaking down what doesn't even matter. I would consider myself a fairly self-aware; I know most of my weaknesses and own up to them. But then I began to ask myself, "How many times have you had to tell yourself something until you believe it to be true?" To some point, do we concoct the self-image we have? I think that that is the way we all cope with life. We find the least painful possibility and convince ourselves it's truth. Not that I think that is bad...who wants to live in a society full of depressed, crybaby Nancys?
So all that to say, I still don't buy into 150 pages of this stuff. I don't get the charts, and I can safely say there is no way that my sarcasm stems from me missing the breastfeeding days (believe me, there's a whole chapter on that). But I do think that we shortchange our brains a lot. And I am starting to take a second glance at why I do what I do, not because I need the analysis, but because I think it's so interesting to look at the intricacies of how God has made us. I can only hope to have a better grasp of thought processes once this class gets up and rolling.
Yeah, just a lot of babble today, but I have to try some way to understand all of this stuff!!!!

Faith vs. Logic

2009-07-03T13:19:00.001-07:00

Something I have been challenged with a lot lately is faith. I may have discussed this previously in my posts, but sometimes God repeats Himself with me so what can you do.
On Monday, I started my new job with Grand Homes. I really enjoy it. I get to work with people in a completely different arena. The hours are different but not too bad. It's really a great set up! Yesterday I began thinking, "What if I made a career out of this? What if I become a salesperson and love it and do this forever??" Those of you that know me are probably laughing right about now because you know that I am always looking for the next step. Instead of floor plans, I flip through life plans, trying them on, seeing which one fits for the moment. In the midst of this stream of thoughts, I had a freak out moment. What about going overseas? What about travel? How am I ever going to provide for my future family if I am trapsing across Africa and Europe all of the time? What job would let me do this?"...and it just went on and on.
I guess my question is, how does one survive on faith alone in society today? I personally think that God has given us all brains and the ability to make decisions. I don't think I have to have a burning bush to pursue different career paths. We are not robots; God gives us options. However, where does faith come in? I have been so jaded by people who live on faith alone. I have seen one family in particular destroy their finances and make their children miserable because of stupid decisions, all the while claiming that "it will all be okay because God will provide." And He always makes sure the kids aren't starving or naked, so I guess he does.
Maybe I am too uptight about money, but I just have this fear of destroying my family's future. And I have to admit, seeing some of the guys my age not even thinking about money makes my stomach curl. I am not materialistic; I don't care about wealth. But I do care about responsibility and taking care of business. My dad worked 80 hour weeks at one point just to try to provide for me and my mom, plus driving a milk delivery truck, getting mugged in the process. Yes it sucked for the time, but I know that due to his hard work I was able to have a reliable vehicle and go to the college God was calling me to.
What are your thoughts? I would like some feedback. Is there a balance, and, if so, what is it?

Update

2009-06-25T09:54:00.000-07:00

Here is the latest news about Stacy's mom. She has not yet had the full body scan that will tell us whether or not the cancer is treatable. However, they started chemo yesterday, because no matter what the outcome of the scan, they are going to try and treat it. Diana Bailey's cancer is carcinoma, which is evidently the worst kind it can be. Stacy is coming home today, I don't know for how long. We have a wedding this weekend which will be a good, fun distraction I think. I will continue to update as I know things. I know that my tendency at times is to read through prayer requests and kind of halfway pray, or forget, but I beg you to just take about 30 seconds after reading this to pray fervently for Stacy's mom. Please pray for healing, for encouragement and comfort for the family, and that God will be glorified.
Thanks so much! I love and appreciate you all.
-caty

PLEASE PRAY...

2009-06-18T20:27:00.000-07:00

I have an urgent prayer request. I know that no one reads this blog, but please, if you do, pray.
My roommate Stacy found out yesterday that her mom has stomach cancer. Her tumor is half the size of her stomach, and it is also in her lymphnodes. She has some tests on Monday that will tell what the next step is. If it's isolated in her stomach and lymphnodes, they will try to surgically remove as much as possible and start chemo. If it's spread outside her stomach, it is basically untreatable. Please pray that God would miraculously heal Diana Bailey. I believe it is possible.
Stacy went from thinking it was stomach pain to finding this out yesterday. It has been very difficult for her family to process, especially her youngest sister Erin, who is 12. She worries herself into throwing up and not being able to sleep. Please pray that her anxiety would go down and that she would feel God's comfort during this time. Stacy's older sister Amanda is 6 months pregnant and they are worried that she is going to go into early labor from the stress of everything.
I know that God is not surprised by this. I know that He is going to be glorified, and His will will be done. But I think that something amazing can happen through this in her family. I am praying for miraculous healing, for comfort that surpasses anything they have ever known, and for peace. Please join me in praying for the Baileys. Thank you.

God's Favorite

2009-06-12T18:50:00.000-07:00

I went to Iredell yesterday to see family on my mom's side. I can always count on a story coming out of those visits, sometimes fabulous, sometimes hilarious, sometimes frustrating. Now that I am back, I indeed have a story.

My little brother is "special" in every sense of the word. When he arrived in our home as a foster child, he was about 2 months old and weighed less than 10 pounds. Jonathan was so malnourished he couldn't even suck on a bottle. Now he is a full fledged Davis, is 7 1/2 years old, and I see the repercussions of his babyhood. He is labelled as "developmentally delayed" by doctors, and is just missing a few links to the chain. He can communicate, walk, etc., but just is not your typical 7 year old. However, he is my favorite. (Don't tell the others.)

Yesterday, he had climbed into one of those plastic police cars that toddlers scoot around in and was rolling across the room, skinny white legs flailing about as if screaming "Get us outta here!" Suddenly, he stopped the car in front of me. He got very serious. Jonathan said quietly..."I just want ya'll to believe in God." He got emotional, started sniffing, and began to cry, even through the reassurances of "I do!" "We do!" coming from my family and I. He paused, then continued: "Sometimes I cry when I don't believe, because God believes in us.....I forgive you." I was following until the last part..but he just kept repeating himself over and over. Finally, my mom got him out of the car and began to rock him and sing, which always soothes him.

Most members of my family would smile at this, laugh it out, give a little "Oh, Jonathan..." and move along with their day. But this really hit me, especially the last part..."I forgive you." First of all, I don't think my brother understands the alphabet, let alone forgiveness for disbelief. I am working on a theory that I thought I would share. I have always joked and told people that I think Jonathan is God's favorite (which by the way, I believe). However, I want to venture further than that: I think that my brother talks to God. And hears God talk back.

Jonathan is so tender hearted...a very sweet, sensitive little boy. He repeats everything he hears, just like a parrot. He can't handle people being mad at him, loud voices, etc. So the thought of hurting God's feelings breaks his little heart. So why say "I forgive you"? Maybe because he heard his Daddy say it? Just a thought. I often wonder how this little boy can be so happy in a world that tears apart the individuals who are different. I think it is because his best friend, God, is always there with him. I think that Jonathan grasps friendship with Jesus in a way that I hope to one day attain, but am nowhere close to being. My little brother, God's favorite, inspires me.

Brownies, Resumes, and Tears

2009-06-04T07:29:00.000-07:00

And again, the emotional roller coaster that is my life goes up and down...and I am sitting there, belted in, hands raised, not knowing if I am having fun or scared out of my mind....

I am an English teacher. I teach literary devices, one of which is irony. Let me give you an example: someone who has hated their job, spent countless hours seeking other opportunities, has cried herself to sleep, finally turns in a letter of resignation. A week later, the job starts to get better, and by the end of the job, the person loves it and doesn't want to leave. Ironic? Yep. Me? Right again. On Tuesday, one of my students made me brownies and wrote me a really sweet letter, while another brought me coffee. It was in that moment I asked myself, "What was I thinking?" Then of course, I turned to God: "What am I going to do? I've screwed it up again."

I have applied to a couple of places, and last night applied to 2 different school districts. I am terrified. What am I going to do? How am I going to pay rent? What if I make yet another crucial mistake? Should I be getting my masters? All of this and more is floating in my head. I went to New Community at the Property last night, and it all just came loose. I cried and cried when we were singing the song "Everlasting." The verses really hit me: "...should I stumble again, I'm caught in your grace....the art of losing myself in bringing You praise." Paul and I talked and he really hit the nail on the head. I have this vision of who God is molding me to be, and what He is going to use me for, and I want it to happen now. I keep trying to force it, and again and again He says, "Not yet." I am overcome by how lacsidaisical I am concerning the Word and intercession. In theory, I desire fervently to be intimate with God..but what am I doing to make that happen?

So these are my thoughts...no resolution as of this morning, though it is true that He makes His mercy new every day. I woke up this morning, read some verses, and really meditated on His truth. And that is a start, at least. We shall see...I know that at the end of this rollercoaster I will be glad I rode it.

Closing Up Shop

2009-05-27T20:06:00.000-07:00

There are officially 5 days left of school, and I don't know how to feel. Why is it that some kiddos choose the last week of school to act like they love you? God has been so faithful in that I have been able to build relationships with difficult students in these last few weeks. My heart actually hearts a bit when I think about the possibility that I might not see most of these kids ever again. I am realizing that I cannot control what these guys and girls choose to do in life. I can't control their education, their personal lives, their pursuit of truth, nothing. But I have faith that God has used me to plant seeds, and that He is faithful! He will put other people in their paths, and I feel blessed to be a part. All in all, the school year was not in vain!

Step in the Right Direction

2009-05-06T12:24:00.000-07:00

Today I made some drastic changes in life. I am not going to tell anyone...this will be kept secret, under wraps, until the end of the summer. I am horrible at keeping my own secrets so we will see how that goes...but I am excited. I am finally taking control of some things, and have decided that this certain thing is worth the difficulty that comes with it. When I turn 23, I will "come out" with it because I have faith that the results will be obvious. I think that what I am doing is also going to enable me to clear the channel between God and I. I am excited!!! Yay being mysterious.