An hour after feeling so sleepy I could barely keep my eyes open, I find myself wide awake and hating the fact that I need to get up in 6 hours to work out. So naturally, the cure would be to revive this dusty old blog and process through a rant that has been building up for probably a month or so.
Disclaimer: Yes, I am aware that I am not married, nor have I ever been married. I have probably dated less people than you, so you probably are right about the fact that I am young, naiive, and don't know what I am talking about. If it ticks you off, don't read my blog.
Other Disclaimer: If you do read, please read all the way through, so that you don't think that I'm a Debbie Downer on life...I promise I say nice things too.
Since I was a little girl, I have dreamed of what it would be like to grow up, meet Prince Charming, get married and start a family. I had a dress up trunk that had a toddler sized white dress with a veil and tiara, and my friends and I traded off being the bride. I think most little girls do this, and if not, then they should. It's a great time. My parents got a divorce when I was 5, but thanks to maturity and love for me from both ends, I think that I avoided the cynicism towards love and marriage that many kids from a "broken home" experience (I don't consider mine broken but that's the only term I can think of). As I got older, several of my friends went through similar experiences, but it never bothered me or seemed weird. Even in college, when my friends' parents would suddenly split, we would talk about it as if it were several degrees of separation between us and them...and I guess it was.
Now I am almost 24, going on my 3rd year out of school, and I feel almost blindsided by the amount of marriages I see falling apart. People falling out of love, cheating, lying, shutting down emotionally, purposely hurting one another, hurting their children, and consequently hurting themselves. Perhaps it is because the trend has shifted from parents of friends to friends themselves, I don't know, but I suddenly see so many people whom I have known in their "in love" phases drastically come to a place where they question why they are married at all. Names continuously change back and forth on Facebook as "so and so" switches back to her maiden name because the first marriage just "didn't work out." I'm going to be honest...I hate it and it makes me sick.
Here is what I don't understand: when you stand at the altar and repeat the vows presented before you, and you heard the words "For Better or Worse..." what part of "Worse" did you not understand? The covenant that you are making, broken down, is this: No matter how good it gets, or how BAD it gets, I will be faithful to love you though it. Were you just so excited to have sex with the person that you were blanking out through your vows? Were you just trying to make the other person happy? Did you think that the "worse" aspect would never happen to you, that you were the exception? Now, please hear me, there are a couple of things not included in this blanket statement. If you are getting beaten, or if your children are in danger, GET OUT. If your spouse cheats on you, you have the biblical right to end things if you so choose. But the "I just don't love him/her anymore" line does not fly with me. At all. Here's why.
I have had several people give me crap about the infatuation stage of a relationship. "Well, it's all fun and games now, Skinner," they say, "but wait until you stop being so INFATUATED with one another. Then the real work begins." Ok, you know what? Guess who is not a complete and total idiot? This girl. I am aware that, at one point or another in a relationship, there comes a few times when you have to choose to love a person not out of the butterflies in your stomach, but because you have committed to do so. I don't claim to know when this will happen or how it will manifest itself, but it's going to happen. For my pastor, he said it happened both 6 months after his marriage as well as about 7 years in. But guess what? I sure as hell am not going to sit there on my butt, say to myself, "Oh crap, this sucks, guess everyone was right," and not do anything about it. You know why? Because my marriage will fall apart.
If you know me, you know that I am a planner, and a proactive one at that. I like to take all sorts of preventative measures to avoid conflict, drama, and other issues. Same with marriage. I think that having a realistic expectation of marriage is so important, and I think that by knowing it won't always be perfect, I'll have a better perspective when conflict arises. When I see something in my character or personality now that I forsee causing issues later, I nip it in the bud. Example: me and conflict. I hate conflict and have in the past refused to speak up because I feel stupid. I've now committed to myself that, if something is wrong, no matter how stupid I think it is, I make myself voice it. Also, if you know me, you also know that when I love someone, I love them fiercely, with all of my being, and will fight for them. You better believe that if I am committing my life to you, that I will fight for "us" with everything that is in me. I will do whatever it takes to keep my marriage together, to actively love my spouse, no matter what.
I feel like I sound like I'm pessimistic about the whole thing, but I am soooo not. I love the idea of marriage and am excited about being married someday. I believe that, when I get married, it will be the most wonderful decision besides accepting Christ as my Savior that I will make. I see many examples of marriages that just overflow love and contentment. My family shows me that kind of love and commitment every day that I am around them. That's my point. I'm 23 (almost 24) years old...there is a lot about the future that I don't know. What if I can't have kids? What if one of my parents dies? What if a parent of my spouse dies? What if, what if, what if....there are a lot of things that could happen that would put a strain on two people trying to love each other through the better and worse of life. But all I know is, on my end at least, there is nothing that can or will happen that will kill my passion for what is right, what honors the Lord, and what furthers my ability to love.
Furthermore, I think it is extremely selfish to say that you are done trying to make it work. Yeah, I know. Your spouse is a jerk. He/she doesn't appreciate you. He/she doesn't meet your needs. Well, duh! Only God can do that! He is the one who will make you feel like you are worth anything. He is the only stable, perfect source of love in your life that will not let you down. All you can control is how you love others, not how they love you in return. Humble yourself enough to do what it takes, whether that be praying for the ability to love your spouse, going to see a counselor, talking to the pastor of your church, all of the above. Make. It. Happen...at least on your end. Then you can at least say that you have done everything you can do. Do not play the "what if" game...there is no "what if." Make your current situation as good as it can be instead of playing out scenarios that will not happen.
As hard as it is to believe, I say all of this partially out of anger, but mostly out of love and pain for my brothers and sisters in Christ who are allowing Satan to have a stronghold in their marriage. DO NOT let him win! God intends marriage to be the ultimate culmination here on earth, an act of worship allowing us to have a deeper picture of His love for us. Allow God to work in your lives, to draw you closer to Him THROUGH the ups and downs of life...don't avoid them and allow the enemy to speak his lies into your heart. Take a stand. Stand for what's right.
Sidenote: I do not believe that I, nor most of the friends I have that are accused of this, am "infatuated." It's called being in love. Let us enjoy it instead of trying to make other people feel guilty for being happy.
I welcome all feedback, positive and negative, and am willing to discuss this issue further, though I stand by my own convictions and will not likely change my mind.
