I haven't written anything spiritual in a while, so I think it's about that time. lol. I guess a reason for that is because, to be frank, I don't have much to write about. But what occurred last night was significant. Think in metaphors with me for a second. If the wall between God and I is made of concrete, don't consider this breakthrough a wrecking ball...consider it a tiny chiseled hole through which a tiny stream of water is jetting through. The great thing about this, though, is that one small crack spreads like wildfire. So you see why I am excited.
Growing up, I thought a LOT with my heart. I went on feeling, emotion, gut instinct. Every decision I made was through this, as was my relationship with God. I didn't know a lot theologically, but felt very intimate with God. This continued until sophomore year, which I see as my "End of Innocence" time of my life. That year was a lot of things, but none of them were pleasant. I experienced a silence from God like I had never known...and I didn't handle it with grace. There was a lot of Bible throwing, emotional outbursts in my room, etc. But I think what I pinpoint as the turning point was when my heart was broken and I became disillusioned with trust and blind faith, and began to think with my head.
Now, hear me out, I am not saying this is a bad thing. I think that we are created to be lifelong learners, and that God wants us to educate ourselves about Him and His creation as much as possible. But when your logic and intellect separate from your heart, you are in a world of trouble. Now around January I began to realize this about myself. My head was so disconnected from my heart that I just really didn't feel anything anymore...no hurt, no joy, no nothing. Just cynicism. I have tried to work on this, but it seems that I just can't feel God's intimacy when I read His word.
I have been reading the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan, trying to see if there is anything that could help me in there. And indeed there was. Chan mentions the verse in Deuteronomy where it commands us to "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind." See? These things are all interconnected! I can't just love God with my heart, nor just with my mind. It all has to mix, and then and only then will intimacy be had. Now, knowing this and changing my ways are two different things. But, it is a starting point. I don't want to be cynical. I don't want to pour out empty worship on the altar. I want to feel something...anything. Dangerous prayer, I know.
This is my spiritual crack for the month of May. Hopefully, more cracks to come.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Friday, May 16, 2008
Church hunting
So, the time has come: on Sunday, I will visit my first church in the area. I have been so excited about this moment, and now that it is here, I am surprisingly really nervous! I don't want to go somewhere just because of the size, or the amount of people my age...I really want to plug in somewhere where God can use me. I want my heart to be in the right place...and I don't really know that it is. In Brownwood, it wasn't rocket science to figure out where God wanted me, nothing has ever really been that obvious in my life. But here...gosh, there are so many choices. Where to even start? So, if you are reading this by some slim chance, please pray this Sunday that God would give me guidance! While you are in the praying mood, please join me in lifting up my brothers and sisters that are serving this summer in some capacity. Here are a few that are on my heart:
Derek- Japan
Amanda B.- Japan
Hailey- India
Gail- India
Remington- Thailand
John- Peru
Josh- Colorado
Nicole- Japan
Tim and Molly- China
Matt- China
Corbin- Canada
Please join me in prayer for these wonderful people!!!!
-caty
Derek- Japan
Amanda B.- Japan
Hailey- India
Gail- India
Remington- Thailand
John- Peru
Josh- Colorado
Nicole- Japan
Tim and Molly- China
Matt- China
Corbin- Canada
Please join me in prayer for these wonderful people!!!!
-caty
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Senior Goodbyes
Wednesday night, we had our senior goodbyes for Delta Chi Rho. This was a night I had been dreading yet looking forward to for a while. If you don't know how it goes, let me just tell you. The seniors are called, one at a time, to stand up in front of everyone. Each senior has another member talking about them, but it is a surprise until that night. So, one at a time, each senior gets talked about and it is really special. I was super nervous because I was worried no one would want to say anything about me...there is always that one member (at least) who no one really knows very well, and as you can tell by my recent posts, that is an insecurity of mine. So, I hear "Caty Skinner" and I stand up, nervously, not knowing whether or not I will cry. I hear Emily Tittle's name called. I was surprised, but really excited: I have known Emily since she was 16, a junior in high school...I was her intern for a couple of years. To sum up: my senior goodbye could not have been more perfect. Emily said so many things that I needed to hear...she talked about all of our memories together, and told me that I had always been such a good listener to her and she didn't know what she was going to do without me. Needless to say, I cried.
I think the reason why this was so good for me is that, as an intern, I never got much affirmation. And that is to be expected, in ministry one rarely sees fruit of what one does. But to hear someone say, "You made a difference in my life," makes it all worth it. Even if it is just one.
I am still processing through all of this goodbye mess. Rho is over. CABC is over. Classes are over. Many of my friendships are over. I don't mean to sound depressing, and really I don't feel depressed, but wow. It's really like the end of an era. My emotions are so crazy right now.
I think the reason why this was so good for me is that, as an intern, I never got much affirmation. And that is to be expected, in ministry one rarely sees fruit of what one does. But to hear someone say, "You made a difference in my life," makes it all worth it. Even if it is just one.
I am still processing through all of this goodbye mess. Rho is over. CABC is over. Classes are over. Many of my friendships are over. I don't mean to sound depressing, and really I don't feel depressed, but wow. It's really like the end of an era. My emotions are so crazy right now.
Friday, April 25, 2008
The Conflict Within
There are (in counting) 15 days until I graduate college and get my BA in English. I will eat great food and look hott (duh) on Thursday, grab a vine and an underclassman on Friday, and wake up at the crack of dawn Saturday morning, put on my cap, gown, and cords, then stroll leisurely across the stage, doing the "dead fish" handshake with Lanny. Then it will all be over and I will drive away from 4 HMC for the last time.
Wow.
If my life were a Shakespearean drama, Dr. Hopp would call this point in my life a "soul-shaking moment." All of a sudden, the high speed life of the college student comes to a halt and begins winding forward slowly, as if on instant replay. So much reflection, so many people to see, not enough time. Never enough time. It's times like these that really make me look back at my life. Who was I before HPU? Who have I become? Have I made a difference?
On the one hand, I am so ready. I have a job, a place to live (well, in July)and get to find a new church home. My life is wonderful! However, as much flack as I give HPU, this place is so special to me. Standing out by the bell towers, watching the makeout couples by Veda, the maintenance men riding around on Gators, I can't help but get emotional. It's almost over.
My best friend is getting married. One of my other best friends is leaving the country for 3 years. Yet another is going to law school. We are growing up. I am fine with growing up, just not apart. The thought of not seeing my loved ones all the time kills me. Brownwood is my home. It's the place that I first really glimpsed God's heart for me and for the world. It's where I met my mentors, my spiritual family.
Anyhoo...it's just hard to process through it all. All that is left to do is to suck the marrow out of as much of the time I have left as possible.
Wow.
If my life were a Shakespearean drama, Dr. Hopp would call this point in my life a "soul-shaking moment." All of a sudden, the high speed life of the college student comes to a halt and begins winding forward slowly, as if on instant replay. So much reflection, so many people to see, not enough time. Never enough time. It's times like these that really make me look back at my life. Who was I before HPU? Who have I become? Have I made a difference?
On the one hand, I am so ready. I have a job, a place to live (well, in July)and get to find a new church home. My life is wonderful! However, as much flack as I give HPU, this place is so special to me. Standing out by the bell towers, watching the makeout couples by Veda, the maintenance men riding around on Gators, I can't help but get emotional. It's almost over.
My best friend is getting married. One of my other best friends is leaving the country for 3 years. Yet another is going to law school. We are growing up. I am fine with growing up, just not apart. The thought of not seeing my loved ones all the time kills me. Brownwood is my home. It's the place that I first really glimpsed God's heart for me and for the world. It's where I met my mentors, my spiritual family.
Anyhoo...it's just hard to process through it all. All that is left to do is to suck the marrow out of as much of the time I have left as possible.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Song of Questions
I had a Harry Potter-esque moment today during class. As I was grading papers, my "scar" of writing urge started to "tingle". I had to wait until the bell rang, all the while, the tingling turning into a burning, until finally I broke open my journal and wrote this song down. It honestly might be terrible...but I had to write it.
Verse 1:
Don't want to feel
Don't want to listen
Don't want to cry
Don't want to pitch in
Don't want to pray
Is that okay?
Do You still love me?
Can't understand
Can't sing Your praises
Can't figure out
Can't seem to escape this
Can't smile today
Is that okay?
Do You still love me?
Chorus:
You will, and You can
and You have a plan for me
You were, and You are
all that You said You would be
You say trust You, and know
that You won't let me go
Cause You were, You are, I AM
Verse 2:
Just want to breathe
Just want to break through
Just want to laugh
Just want to hear You
Just want one day
To know I'm okay
And feel that You love me
Might have to try
Might need to trust You
Might have to speak
Might try to make do
Might see through the grey
Find out I'm okay
And know that You love me
Verse 1:
Don't want to feel
Don't want to listen
Don't want to cry
Don't want to pitch in
Don't want to pray
Is that okay?
Do You still love me?
Can't understand
Can't sing Your praises
Can't figure out
Can't seem to escape this
Can't smile today
Is that okay?
Do You still love me?
Chorus:
You will, and You can
and You have a plan for me
You were, and You are
all that You said You would be
You say trust You, and know
that You won't let me go
Cause You were, You are, I AM
Verse 2:
Just want to breathe
Just want to break through
Just want to laugh
Just want to hear You
Just want one day
To know I'm okay
And feel that You love me
Might have to try
Might need to trust You
Might have to speak
Might try to make do
Might see through the grey
Find out I'm okay
And know that You love me
Literature: detriment or necessity to Christianity?
In casual conversation with a 9th grade student, the book series Harry Potter was brought up. This series is very special to me, as well as possessing renound literary merit. Of course, I was excited to discuss these books with the unsuspecting girl (I am an English teacher, so sue me). However, I was greeted with this disappointing opinion: "Harry Potter shouldn't be read by Christians." My jaw dropped...not that this was the first time I have heard this, but I was appalled by the fact that someone other than Dr. James Dobson actually believed this. I began to bring up Christian themes, biblical allusions, etc. but the girl was convinced: "There are no Christian values in Harry Potter." I would like to also add the small detail that this girl had never read the books. But had watched the movies. Just saying.
This conversation caused me to think a lot about the role that non-Christian literature plays in faith. I will try to explore this issue from both sides, though it is obvious that I am biased. First I will try to go from Dobson's perspective. There are many verses in the Bible dealing with sin, sinful matters, etc. For example, 1 Timothy 6:11 tells us to "flee from these things (money, temptations), you man of God, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, perseverance {and} gentleness." Furthermore, 2 Timothy 2:22 states, "Now flee from youthful lusts and pursue righteousness, faith, love {and} peace, with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart." I think that most would agree that these Scriptures are pretty self explanatory. We, as children of God, do not need to engage in sinful behavior. The key words here are "flee" and "pursue." The question most critics would pose is "What does it mean to flee youthful lusts?" Doesn't that mean to run as far away from sin as possible? Therefore, in approaching literature with questionable language, sexual content, etc., would it be appropriate, in pursuit of holiness, to avoid these novels?
Now, the opposing side. Looking at the same Scriptures, one could pose a completely different arguement. The question I would ask is "What defines youthful lusts?" Is it content itself, or our engaging in the content? Is it knowledge of the sin that we need to avoid, or activity in it? Now, don't read me wrong, I am not saying to go and rent pornographic material for learning purposes. But I think that the Holy Spirit has given us discernment to know what we can and cannot handle. For example, the novel Atonement. There is an extremely risque part where the two lovers in the book have sex in the library. I would like to make 2 points from this example. 1) Reading this part/this scene did not cause me to lust or to want to emulate this behavior. 2)This book has a Christian theme that cannot be argued, and this scene was much needed to allow the reader to fully grasp the theme of "atonement."
The Bible commands us to be in the world, not of the world. Yes, we are called to be holy, blameless, above reproach. We should flee from anything that causes us to stumble. We should flee from sin, period. However, we cannot forget the first part of this phrase, "IN the world." Bottom line: the world that we live in uses foul language. People use drugs. They drink alcohol. They have sex outside of marriage. They have man to man and woman to woman relationships. Christians should not pursue these things, but can we make a difference at all if we have zero understanding of the world we live in? I need to be able to have a conversation with people who are in this world. I need to be able to not appear as a "holier-than-thou." There are no censors walking down the street; therefore, I do not believe there should be any censors in literature. I would like to end with this thought: I read my Bible regularly. However, one of the most life-changing God moments I have ever had came from reading the poem "Psalm III" by Allen Ginsberg, a homosexual Beat poet who was quite fond of the "f" word.
Any thoughts?
This conversation caused me to think a lot about the role that non-Christian literature plays in faith. I will try to explore this issue from both sides, though it is obvious that I am biased. First I will try to go from Dobson's perspective. There are many verses in the Bible dealing with sin, sinful matters, etc. For example, 1 Timothy 6:11 tells us to "flee from these things (money, temptations), you man of God, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, perseverance {and} gentleness." Furthermore, 2 Timothy 2:22 states, "Now flee from youthful lusts and pursue righteousness, faith, love {and} peace, with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart." I think that most would agree that these Scriptures are pretty self explanatory. We, as children of God, do not need to engage in sinful behavior. The key words here are "flee" and "pursue." The question most critics would pose is "What does it mean to flee youthful lusts?" Doesn't that mean to run as far away from sin as possible? Therefore, in approaching literature with questionable language, sexual content, etc., would it be appropriate, in pursuit of holiness, to avoid these novels?
Now, the opposing side. Looking at the same Scriptures, one could pose a completely different arguement. The question I would ask is "What defines youthful lusts?" Is it content itself, or our engaging in the content? Is it knowledge of the sin that we need to avoid, or activity in it? Now, don't read me wrong, I am not saying to go and rent pornographic material for learning purposes. But I think that the Holy Spirit has given us discernment to know what we can and cannot handle. For example, the novel Atonement. There is an extremely risque part where the two lovers in the book have sex in the library. I would like to make 2 points from this example. 1) Reading this part/this scene did not cause me to lust or to want to emulate this behavior. 2)This book has a Christian theme that cannot be argued, and this scene was much needed to allow the reader to fully grasp the theme of "atonement."
The Bible commands us to be in the world, not of the world. Yes, we are called to be holy, blameless, above reproach. We should flee from anything that causes us to stumble. We should flee from sin, period. However, we cannot forget the first part of this phrase, "IN the world." Bottom line: the world that we live in uses foul language. People use drugs. They drink alcohol. They have sex outside of marriage. They have man to man and woman to woman relationships. Christians should not pursue these things, but can we make a difference at all if we have zero understanding of the world we live in? I need to be able to have a conversation with people who are in this world. I need to be able to not appear as a "holier-than-thou." There are no censors walking down the street; therefore, I do not believe there should be any censors in literature. I would like to end with this thought: I read my Bible regularly. However, one of the most life-changing God moments I have ever had came from reading the poem "Psalm III" by Allen Ginsberg, a homosexual Beat poet who was quite fond of the "f" word.
Any thoughts?
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
los cosas favoritas
Yesterday I was asked what my favorite book was. Then my favorite movie. I could not answer! I really need to figure this out so that I will be prepared from now on.
Top 10 Favorite Books:
*1. Harry Potter Series (I am not going to count this in the list because it's not fair to the other books...so I am going to put another number one)
1. Memoirs of a Geisha- Arthur Golden
2. Pride and Prejudice- Jane Austen
3. Their Eyes Were Watching God- Zora Neale Hurston
4. The Other Boleyn Girl- Philippa Gregory
5. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe- C.S. Lewis
6. My Sister's Keeper- Jodi Piccoult
7. The Secret Life of Bees- Sue Monk Kidd
8. Matilda- Roald Dahl
9. Little Women- Louisa May Alcott
10. The Scarlet Letter- Nathaniel Hawthorne
Favorite Poems
1. "Psalm III"- Allen Ginsberg
2. "Renaissance" - Edna St. Vincent Millay
3. "Room of My Life"- Anne Sexton
4. "Theme for English B"- Langston Hughes
5. "Tinturn Abbey"- William Wordsworth
6. "cambridge ladies who live in furnished souls"- e.e. cummings
7. "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock"- T.S. Eliot
8. "Tulips"- Sylvia Plath
9. "Surprised by Joy"- William Wordsworth
10. "l(a"- e.e. cummings
Top 10 Favorite Books:
*1. Harry Potter Series (I am not going to count this in the list because it's not fair to the other books...so I am going to put another number one)
1. Memoirs of a Geisha- Arthur Golden
2. Pride and Prejudice- Jane Austen
3. Their Eyes Were Watching God- Zora Neale Hurston
4. The Other Boleyn Girl- Philippa Gregory
5. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe- C.S. Lewis
6. My Sister's Keeper- Jodi Piccoult
7. The Secret Life of Bees- Sue Monk Kidd
8. Matilda- Roald Dahl
9. Little Women- Louisa May Alcott
10. The Scarlet Letter- Nathaniel Hawthorne
Favorite Poems
1. "Psalm III"- Allen Ginsberg
2. "Renaissance" - Edna St. Vincent Millay
3. "Room of My Life"- Anne Sexton
4. "Theme for English B"- Langston Hughes
5. "Tinturn Abbey"- William Wordsworth
6. "cambridge ladies who live in furnished souls"- e.e. cummings
7. "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock"- T.S. Eliot
8. "Tulips"- Sylvia Plath
9. "Surprised by Joy"- William Wordsworth
10. "l(a"- e.e. cummings
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