Sigh

I am so grateful that God's grace is sufficient for me, even me. I was humming to myself today and the old hymn "love lifted me" came into my head. Here are the lyrics, in case you have never been exposed to hymns.

I was sinking deep in sin, far from the peaceful shore
Very deeply stained within, sinking to rise no more
But the Master of the sea, heard my despairing cry
From the waters lifted me, now safe am I
Love lifted me (even me)
Love lifted me (even me)
When nothing else could help, love lifted me! (even me)
Love lifted me (even me)
Love lifted me (even me)
When nothing else could help, love lifted me!!!!

This is songwriting at its finest.
How applicable is this to our condition?!!!! I don't know how it happens, but so often I find myself forgetting that I didn't dig myself out of the pit. I forget that sin didn't just leave me....that only the love of Christ can save! His love lifts me daily out of my grimy humanity...and heaven knows I need lifting. I think that I can hack sin myself....wrong again. Jesus hears me crying out to Him, and nothing but His response can lift me. (Even me).

If you need lifting, call upon the Master. That's His specialty.

Spiritual Prostitution

I don't understand.
I've pushed You away again,
And You offer LOVE.
Well, that sounds nice
But forbidden fruit is
So much easier.
Juicy. Sweet. Instant gratification.
You know this about me, yet You persist.
Why?

I always want to love You.
Every day, I say yes to Your call.
We sing our dysfunctional duet--
You, in perfect pitch.
Me, struggling to find the key.
Still You love me.
I don't understand.

Are You asking for abuse?
You are all-knowing,
No surprises. Ever.
So why choose rejection?
In pursuit of holy matrimony
I prostitute my heart.
Lust, pride, all-inclusive package rrrrrrriiiippppssss
m e a p a r t.
Why You are still here, I don't know.
Some small voice inside says
I can believe You.
Oh, how I want to.

I keep thinking You'll give up.
One of these days, You'll open
those all-seeing eyes
And cut the cord. Pound the gavel.
Pronounce me unlovable, unreachable,
Hopeless.
And I would understand, because
I wouldn't love me either.

I kneel, not knowing if this
Is the time I will hear my
Prayers bounce off the ceiling,
Back onto this page.
I wince, anticipating. Holding my breath.



Silence.





Then, Arms.
Holding me up. together. close.
Hands.
Wiping my face, my tears.
Cleaning up the mess of me--
the pieces of my past, present and future.
You put me back together again.
I don't get it, but I'm glad.
I'm so glad.
Somehow, I knew You would.
You and Your crazy LOVE.

Wedding Weekend!

This weekend was such a blessing to me. I got to see my best friend get married to a wonderful man of God. I got to spend time with people I care so much about, as well as people I don't know very well but are so much fun. I couldn't ask for a better wedding! Watching Mel and John say their vows, I realized how much God is glorified through marriage. Two people reflecting God's image coming together...wow. I am so blessed to be a part of their lives!!! I don't have time now to really elaborate, just felt like I needed to say a little something.

Chiseled Concrete

I haven't written anything spiritual in a while, so I think it's about that time. lol. I guess a reason for that is because, to be frank, I don't have much to write about. But what occurred last night was significant. Think in metaphors with me for a second. If the wall between God and I is made of concrete, don't consider this breakthrough a wrecking ball...consider it a tiny chiseled hole through which a tiny stream of water is jetting through. The great thing about this, though, is that one small crack spreads like wildfire. So you see why I am excited.
Growing up, I thought a LOT with my heart. I went on feeling, emotion, gut instinct. Every decision I made was through this, as was my relationship with God. I didn't know a lot theologically, but felt very intimate with God. This continued until sophomore year, which I see as my "End of Innocence" time of my life. That year was a lot of things, but none of them were pleasant. I experienced a silence from God like I had never known...and I didn't handle it with grace. There was a lot of Bible throwing, emotional outbursts in my room, etc. But I think what I pinpoint as the turning point was when my heart was broken and I became disillusioned with trust and blind faith, and began to think with my head.
Now, hear me out, I am not saying this is a bad thing. I think that we are created to be lifelong learners, and that God wants us to educate ourselves about Him and His creation as much as possible. But when your logic and intellect separate from your heart, you are in a world of trouble. Now around January I began to realize this about myself. My head was so disconnected from my heart that I just really didn't feel anything anymore...no hurt, no joy, no nothing. Just cynicism. I have tried to work on this, but it seems that I just can't feel God's intimacy when I read His word.
I have been reading the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan, trying to see if there is anything that could help me in there. And indeed there was. Chan mentions the verse in Deuteronomy where it commands us to "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind." See? These things are all interconnected! I can't just love God with my heart, nor just with my mind. It all has to mix, and then and only then will intimacy be had. Now, knowing this and changing my ways are two different things. But, it is a starting point. I don't want to be cynical. I don't want to pour out empty worship on the altar. I want to feel something...anything. Dangerous prayer, I know.
This is my spiritual crack for the month of May. Hopefully, more cracks to come.

Church hunting

So, the time has come: on Sunday, I will visit my first church in the area. I have been so excited about this moment, and now that it is here, I am surprisingly really nervous! I don't want to go somewhere just because of the size, or the amount of people my age...I really want to plug in somewhere where God can use me. I want my heart to be in the right place...and I don't really know that it is. In Brownwood, it wasn't rocket science to figure out where God wanted me, nothing has ever really been that obvious in my life. But here...gosh, there are so many choices. Where to even start? So, if you are reading this by some slim chance, please pray this Sunday that God would give me guidance! While you are in the praying mood, please join me in lifting up my brothers and sisters that are serving this summer in some capacity. Here are a few that are on my heart:
Derek- Japan
Amanda B.- Japan
Hailey- India
Gail- India
Remington- Thailand
John- Peru
Josh- Colorado
Nicole- Japan
Tim and Molly- China
Matt- China
Corbin- Canada

Please join me in prayer for these wonderful people!!!!
-caty

Senior Goodbyes

Wednesday night, we had our senior goodbyes for Delta Chi Rho. This was a night I had been dreading yet looking forward to for a while. If you don't know how it goes, let me just tell you. The seniors are called, one at a time, to stand up in front of everyone. Each senior has another member talking about them, but it is a surprise until that night. So, one at a time, each senior gets talked about and it is really special. I was super nervous because I was worried no one would want to say anything about me...there is always that one member (at least) who no one really knows very well, and as you can tell by my recent posts, that is an insecurity of mine. So, I hear "Caty Skinner" and I stand up, nervously, not knowing whether or not I will cry. I hear Emily Tittle's name called. I was surprised, but really excited: I have known Emily since she was 16, a junior in high school...I was her intern for a couple of years. To sum up: my senior goodbye could not have been more perfect. Emily said so many things that I needed to hear...she talked about all of our memories together, and told me that I had always been such a good listener to her and she didn't know what she was going to do without me. Needless to say, I cried.
I think the reason why this was so good for me is that, as an intern, I never got much affirmation. And that is to be expected, in ministry one rarely sees fruit of what one does. But to hear someone say, "You made a difference in my life," makes it all worth it. Even if it is just one.
I am still processing through all of this goodbye mess. Rho is over. CABC is over. Classes are over. Many of my friendships are over. I don't mean to sound depressing, and really I don't feel depressed, but wow. It's really like the end of an era. My emotions are so crazy right now.

The Conflict Within

There are (in counting) 15 days until I graduate college and get my BA in English. I will eat great food and look hott (duh) on Thursday, grab a vine and an underclassman on Friday, and wake up at the crack of dawn Saturday morning, put on my cap, gown, and cords, then stroll leisurely across the stage, doing the "dead fish" handshake with Lanny. Then it will all be over and I will drive away from 4 HMC for the last time.
Wow.
If my life were a Shakespearean drama, Dr. Hopp would call this point in my life a "soul-shaking moment." All of a sudden, the high speed life of the college student comes to a halt and begins winding forward slowly, as if on instant replay. So much reflection, so many people to see, not enough time. Never enough time. It's times like these that really make me look back at my life. Who was I before HPU? Who have I become? Have I made a difference?
On the one hand, I am so ready. I have a job, a place to live (well, in July)and get to find a new church home. My life is wonderful! However, as much flack as I give HPU, this place is so special to me. Standing out by the bell towers, watching the makeout couples by Veda, the maintenance men riding around on Gators, I can't help but get emotional. It's almost over.
My best friend is getting married. One of my other best friends is leaving the country for 3 years. Yet another is going to law school. We are growing up. I am fine with growing up, just not apart. The thought of not seeing my loved ones all the time kills me. Brownwood is my home. It's the place that I first really glimpsed God's heart for me and for the world. It's where I met my mentors, my spiritual family.
Anyhoo...it's just hard to process through it all. All that is left to do is to suck the marrow out of as much of the time I have left as possible.