Community

The past almost 5 weeks have taught me a lot about myself. But, more so, I feel like I have learned about the necessity of community. I am still visiting churches and have not quite found my niche yet. Every Sunday I feel like I am playing church roulette. I have not yet visited the place where I really feel at home. What's rough about that is that, without a church home, I have no social interaction with anyone but my co-workers (who are great btw). I am ready to find a group of people to bond with. It's so strange; I never thought I would miss HPU like I do. And really, it's not that I miss the college life. I just miss the people. I miss going to T and C at 2 am to get Pepto Bismal for my roommate. I miss the house flooding and having to evacuate. I miss lunch dates. I am in dire need of community.
Not to say that my life sucks or anything. I am extremely blessed. I have a great job, pay day is Friday, a loving family, a safe and cozy apartment, and wonderful friends who, even though we are hours apart, still keep in touch. So, even though I have yet to find community, I am trusting the Lord and that He is enough.

Reflections after 2 weeks of "real world"

Tomorrow I will start my 3rd week of teaching. This weekend I have had a rollercoaster of emotions about the whole thing. I honestly have not been this down in a long time. It's not just about the teaching, but I think the combination of everything really got to me. I am living alone, I don't have a church home, my friends are scattered all over the US, and teaching is so much more difficult than I thought. It is an extreme test of my faith. I feel like I am learning a huge lesson of humility. I am just praying that I can rely on God's strength...and not feel like a failure. Not let Satan get me down. I know that, for the time being, I am where God has called me to be. I can't forget that.

work

I don't think I will have my head on straight again until June.
I worked until 8:30 tonight up at the school. Will probably stay later tomorrow. It will NEVER get finished.
If you read this, please pray for sanity and a little organization for my brain. And some grace from my students.
Monday=D-Day!!!

great insight on poetry and observation

I read this and thought it was great; not just applying to poetry but to the way we view life.

Toward An Impure Poetry by Pablo Neruda

"It is good, at certain hours of the day and night, to look closely at the world of objects at rest. Wheels that have crossed long, dusty distances with their mineral and vegetable burdens, sacks from the coal bins, barrels, and baskets, handles and hafts for the carpenter's tool chest. From them flow the contacts of man with the earth, like a text for all troubled lyricists. The used surfaces of things, the wear that the hands give to things, the air, tragic at times, pathetic at others, of such things--all lend a curious attractiveness to the reality of the world that should not be underprized.
In them one sees the confused impurity of the human condition, the massing of things, the use and disuse of substances, footprints and fingerprints, the abiding presence of the human engulfing all artifacts, inside and out.
Let that be the poetry we search for: worn with the hand's obligations, as by acids, steeped in sweat and in smoke, smelling of lilies and urine, spattered diversely by the trades that we live by, inside the law or beyond it.
A poetry impure as the clothing we wear, or our bodies, soup-stained, soiled with our shameful behavior, our wrinkles and vigils and dreams, observations and prophecies, declarations of loathing and love, idylls and beasts, the shocks of encounter, political loyalties, denials and doubts, affirmations and taxes.
The holy canons of madrigal, the mandates of touch, smell, taste, sight, hearing, the passion for justice, sexual desire, teh sea sounding--willfully rejecting and accepting nothing: a consummate poetry soiled by the pigeon's claw, ice-marked and tooth-marked, bitten delicately with our sweatdrops and usage, perhaps. Till the instrument so restlessly played yields us the comfort of its surfaces, an the woods show the knottiest suavities shaped by the pride of the tool. Blossom and water and wheat kernel share one precious consistency: the sumptuous appeal of the tactile.
Let no one forget them. Melancholy, old mawkishness impure and unflawed, fruits of a fabulous species lost to the memory, cast away in a frenzy's abandonment--moonlight, the swan in the gathering darkness, all hackneyed endearments: surely that is the poet's concern, essential and absolute.
Those who shun the "bad taste" of things will fall flat on the ice."

Sigh

I am so grateful that God's grace is sufficient for me, even me. I was humming to myself today and the old hymn "love lifted me" came into my head. Here are the lyrics, in case you have never been exposed to hymns.

I was sinking deep in sin, far from the peaceful shore
Very deeply stained within, sinking to rise no more
But the Master of the sea, heard my despairing cry
From the waters lifted me, now safe am I
Love lifted me (even me)
Love lifted me (even me)
When nothing else could help, love lifted me! (even me)
Love lifted me (even me)
Love lifted me (even me)
When nothing else could help, love lifted me!!!!

This is songwriting at its finest.
How applicable is this to our condition?!!!! I don't know how it happens, but so often I find myself forgetting that I didn't dig myself out of the pit. I forget that sin didn't just leave me....that only the love of Christ can save! His love lifts me daily out of my grimy humanity...and heaven knows I need lifting. I think that I can hack sin myself....wrong again. Jesus hears me crying out to Him, and nothing but His response can lift me. (Even me).

If you need lifting, call upon the Master. That's His specialty.

Spiritual Prostitution

I don't understand.
I've pushed You away again,
And You offer LOVE.
Well, that sounds nice
But forbidden fruit is
So much easier.
Juicy. Sweet. Instant gratification.
You know this about me, yet You persist.
Why?

I always want to love You.
Every day, I say yes to Your call.
We sing our dysfunctional duet--
You, in perfect pitch.
Me, struggling to find the key.
Still You love me.
I don't understand.

Are You asking for abuse?
You are all-knowing,
No surprises. Ever.
So why choose rejection?
In pursuit of holy matrimony
I prostitute my heart.
Lust, pride, all-inclusive package rrrrrrriiiippppssss
m e a p a r t.
Why You are still here, I don't know.
Some small voice inside says
I can believe You.
Oh, how I want to.

I keep thinking You'll give up.
One of these days, You'll open
those all-seeing eyes
And cut the cord. Pound the gavel.
Pronounce me unlovable, unreachable,
Hopeless.
And I would understand, because
I wouldn't love me either.

I kneel, not knowing if this
Is the time I will hear my
Prayers bounce off the ceiling,
Back onto this page.
I wince, anticipating. Holding my breath.



Silence.





Then, Arms.
Holding me up. together. close.
Hands.
Wiping my face, my tears.
Cleaning up the mess of me--
the pieces of my past, present and future.
You put me back together again.
I don't get it, but I'm glad.
I'm so glad.
Somehow, I knew You would.
You and Your crazy LOVE.

Wedding Weekend!

This weekend was such a blessing to me. I got to see my best friend get married to a wonderful man of God. I got to spend time with people I care so much about, as well as people I don't know very well but are so much fun. I couldn't ask for a better wedding! Watching Mel and John say their vows, I realized how much God is glorified through marriage. Two people reflecting God's image coming together...wow. I am so blessed to be a part of their lives!!! I don't have time now to really elaborate, just felt like I needed to say a little something.