One more week...

I need a break! I cannot express to you how much I am looking forward to Thanksgiving. We get an entire week off, and I am planning on enjoying every second of it. I feel as though I am doing my students an injustice by just being lazy, but honestly, my brain is fried. I keep thinking, how am I going to do this for 24 more weeks? (Not that I am counting) It is slowly but surely getting better. I spent a whole lot of tears those first 8 weeks or so, and now I am getting more and more of a routine. Not that it's easier, mind you, but it's less of a change/transition every day.
I am extremely fed up of disrespect, though. I caught a kid with his mp3 on Friday. Just listening to his music, not caring about what I say. What bothers me about this kid is that he leads worship for his youth group. I am so frustrated that this kid is the example of Christianity in my class, but treats everyone, including me, like crap. He is rude and hateful, and I would rather deal with my kids that hate God than him. I guess that I really need to pray about that, lol.
Again, the less difficult it gets, the less I pray. I am trying to remedy this, to pray for kids like this one instead of feeling anger or frustration. I am begging God for patience each day, and I know that at the end of this school year, God will have done so much in me. I am praying that He will continue to melt away the bad and mold me into something that resembles Him just a bit more.
There are some other things right now that I can't broadcast, but if you are one of the few that know about these big changes coming up, things are looking good and I am excited.
Keep praying.

Word of the day

Yesterday was one of those days that you just want to run out of your job screaming "Never again!" while ripping your badge off and throwing it in an inferno of destruction. Anyone feel me on that? No one? It's okay, I am secure enough in my insanity to admit those feelings.
Anyway, this morning I am trying my best to have a major attitude adjustment; after all, it's not my 1st period's fault that a kid went off on my in 7th yesterday. I opened my Bible for a little Christian Roulette....what's it going to be today? With no real plan in mind, I opened up to Psalms. In the corner of the page, I had underlined Psalm 27:13-14. A few years ago, I was going through one of the most difficult times in my life. A guy who I barely knew referenced Psalm 27, saying that it had been his battlecry during his difficult moments. Honestly, even though I had highlighted and underlined it, I never really paid attention to the truth in this passage, but you better believe I am claiming it now:
"I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord, be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord."
I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I know that God is with me, and that He has purpose and a plan for all of this mess. I am waiting, and will continue to do so, trusting that God is with me, that He loves me, and that He will not leave me. Ever.

God is good.
Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Trust

Funny how we make decisions based on the trust we have in the Lord, then immediately doubt. I long to be able to constantly trust God's hand in my life. To dispel the seeds of doubt the enemy so aptly plants in my mind. "Trust in the Lord with all of your heart. Lean not on your own understanding. In all of your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

Gain or Loss?

I was reading my Streams in the Desert devotional the other day when I read something about Paul's vision for his life that made me stop in my tracks and pull an immediate re-read. He was speaking about gain and loss. "To live is Christ, to die is gain." The author poses the question: "Why is it that most of what Paul considers gain, we consider loss?" And it is true. We pray that God would save us from health issues, from stress, from heartache, from conflict, from negative insert-word-into-blank-here. We don't want to be troubled (and I think that this is natural). But these are the very things that bring Paul joy: he considers them "gain." How do we change our way of thinking to match Paul's? I have no idea. But I do know that the past 2 months, my relationship with God is better than ever. Not because my life is easy and that I have a-z going on for me. But because I am relying on Him more each day. I am on my knees in my classroom begging Him to move. I am looking around me and realizing that, even in the dark times, I am so blessed beyond belief.
My charge for anyone that reads this is to reflect. What in your life right now are you counting as loss that is really bringing you closer to God? Do you trust Him to be enough?

Community

The past almost 5 weeks have taught me a lot about myself. But, more so, I feel like I have learned about the necessity of community. I am still visiting churches and have not quite found my niche yet. Every Sunday I feel like I am playing church roulette. I have not yet visited the place where I really feel at home. What's rough about that is that, without a church home, I have no social interaction with anyone but my co-workers (who are great btw). I am ready to find a group of people to bond with. It's so strange; I never thought I would miss HPU like I do. And really, it's not that I miss the college life. I just miss the people. I miss going to T and C at 2 am to get Pepto Bismal for my roommate. I miss the house flooding and having to evacuate. I miss lunch dates. I am in dire need of community.
Not to say that my life sucks or anything. I am extremely blessed. I have a great job, pay day is Friday, a loving family, a safe and cozy apartment, and wonderful friends who, even though we are hours apart, still keep in touch. So, even though I have yet to find community, I am trusting the Lord and that He is enough.

Reflections after 2 weeks of "real world"

Tomorrow I will start my 3rd week of teaching. This weekend I have had a rollercoaster of emotions about the whole thing. I honestly have not been this down in a long time. It's not just about the teaching, but I think the combination of everything really got to me. I am living alone, I don't have a church home, my friends are scattered all over the US, and teaching is so much more difficult than I thought. It is an extreme test of my faith. I feel like I am learning a huge lesson of humility. I am just praying that I can rely on God's strength...and not feel like a failure. Not let Satan get me down. I know that, for the time being, I am where God has called me to be. I can't forget that.