Yesterday I experienced an obvious act of God's mercy in my life. It might sound silly, but to me this is a big deal. I took the GRE around 2pm, and halfway through had decided that there was no way I was going to achieve the minimum score required by UTA's masters program, which is a 500 on the verbal. I had resigned myself to taking it again, but during a break was doodling and ended up writing out a prayer to God. In my heart, it was a shot in the dark, and I was even laughing at myself. ("God, you know, if You could some how miraculously change some of my answers and just get me the minimum score, that would be great...") As I clicked over to see the results, I almost swallowed my tongue. 500 exactly on the verbal. 620 on the math, which I completely guessed on. There is no way that is an accident. I don't know why God saw fit to give me a little help, but I am grateful.
I am about to go to school and really need an attitude adjustment. I was reading Isaiah 40 and I want to live in that complete submission. I see so much contentment there. I see so much satisfaction in living in the shadow of the Lord's wings, to dwell in His shelter. But I feel as though I am avoiding the shade at all costs, and I don't know why or how. Tonight I really want to have a time of just reading and meditating, phone on silent, etc. However, the stack of journals and essays is looming at me menacingly. I am just going to make it happen, no matter what I guess.
Enough rambling...time for work.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Saturday, January 10, 2009
I can't think of anything creative
Does anyone still play Tetris? I was thinking about it randomly a few minutes ago and how each piece directly correlates to one another. The goal is to not allow the blocks to reach the top. This is accomplished through several things: rotating the blocks, moving them from side to side, but most importantly, creating lines to destroy blocks. When this happens, everything shifts and you have a whole new landscape to work with. I think that life, in general, is a lot like this. Especially mine. I constantly have so many things running through my brain: what is the next step in my life? How can I be a better teacher? How can I serve in my church? Why is it so hard to desire to spend 15 minutes with Jesus? Where does my family fit into this conglomeration?
Sometimes, it takes the complete demolition of a neat, perfect row to jolt me into where I need to be. For those of you that haven't heard, Prague has fallen through. I am disappointed, but feel a sense of complete calm and peace about it all. This has resulted in several opportunities, including a fully paid for masters program! (pending that I get accepted) I have also been asked to co-lead a college community group at DBU. My relationship with my sister is getting better and better. God is completely blowing my plans apart, as He usually does, and it is awesome and much better than I could have come up with myself.
Now if there was a way to enjoy, to be satisfied without wanting more...it seems as though anytime I receive a blessing, I wonder why it was that blessing received instead of something else. I really hate how human I am sometimes. But the challenge extended last Sunday to not grumble or complain is really changing how I view everything in my life.
So, in conclusion, a lot of jumbled thoughts, but hey. That's me.
Sometimes, it takes the complete demolition of a neat, perfect row to jolt me into where I need to be. For those of you that haven't heard, Prague has fallen through. I am disappointed, but feel a sense of complete calm and peace about it all. This has resulted in several opportunities, including a fully paid for masters program! (pending that I get accepted) I have also been asked to co-lead a college community group at DBU. My relationship with my sister is getting better and better. God is completely blowing my plans apart, as He usually does, and it is awesome and much better than I could have come up with myself.
Now if there was a way to enjoy, to be satisfied without wanting more...it seems as though anytime I receive a blessing, I wonder why it was that blessing received instead of something else. I really hate how human I am sometimes. But the challenge extended last Sunday to not grumble or complain is really changing how I view everything in my life.
So, in conclusion, a lot of jumbled thoughts, but hey. That's me.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Domesticity
I just need to say that there are few things that I hate more than cleaning. If someone ransomed my first born and said that in order to get him/her back, I would have to fully clean my apartment top to bottom, I might have to think about it...that's how strongly I feel about it. Not that I am unsanitary or disgusting, I am just cluttered and disorganized. That's me, that is who I am. But that doesn't fly when people are coming over in less than 24 hours for a Christmas party. Grr.
Oh, completely random, but today in 7th period a girl "Reooowwwweed" me today. You know, the ghetto cat noise you make when someone snaps at you? I had no idea people still did that. And that is what I said. "(insert name here), you know people don't say that anymore, right? Can't you come up with something a little less junior high?" Her response was "Reeeeeoooowww."
This is who I teach.
Oh, completely random, but today in 7th period a girl "Reooowwwweed" me today. You know, the ghetto cat noise you make when someone snaps at you? I had no idea people still did that. And that is what I said. "(insert name here), you know people don't say that anymore, right? Can't you come up with something a little less junior high?" Her response was "Reeeeeoooowww."
This is who I teach.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Post #2 of the morning.
Today the blogging that is going on is part of my quiet time; I need to process before I start my week, and writing in my journal is just too slow.
I would like to pose the question, "How does one shift the desire for intimacy with God from something you know you should want to something you truly yearn for?"
This is something I am constantly yo-yoing back and forth from. At the beginning of the school year, I can honestly say I was starving for more and more of God. Devouring His word like it was Thanksgiving dinner. On my knees every day asking Him to reveal Himself to me and to draw me closer to Him.
But, as the pattern goes, this has become less and less. The more I feel like I can handle my job, the less I desire God. I know that this is off, and when I pray I ask God to rekindle that desire within me. My biggest struggle is that I feel like I am lying when I worship during this season. Is it wrong to lift my hands and sing "How Great is our God" when I am not necessarily praising Him throughout my day?
Anyways, I need to go to school. Just wanted to throw that out there.
I would like to pose the question, "How does one shift the desire for intimacy with God from something you know you should want to something you truly yearn for?"
This is something I am constantly yo-yoing back and forth from. At the beginning of the school year, I can honestly say I was starving for more and more of God. Devouring His word like it was Thanksgiving dinner. On my knees every day asking Him to reveal Himself to me and to draw me closer to Him.
But, as the pattern goes, this has become less and less. The more I feel like I can handle my job, the less I desire God. I know that this is off, and when I pray I ask God to rekindle that desire within me. My biggest struggle is that I feel like I am lying when I worship during this season. Is it wrong to lift my hands and sing "How Great is our God" when I am not necessarily praising Him throughout my day?
Anyways, I need to go to school. Just wanted to throw that out there.
Realist or a cynic?
After watching 2 of the most inspirational teacher movies ever known to man (Freedom Writers, Dead Poets Society) in a 48 hour period, I was left with several emotions relating to my current classroom situation. Anyone that has known me for a significant amount of time knows that my philosophy of education has changed drastically from what it was in college. I went into teaching with a desire to be like Mrs. G and Mr. Keating; to cry out with a "barbaric YAWP", to inspire students who didn't want to learn by caring about their lives...that at the end of the school year, I would be able to feel that I had put my heart and soul into my students and that they would leave my room with a passion for English and the knowledge that I believed in them.
What I have realized lately is that these systems assume that the students want you to care. That they want to be inspired. That they desire the "switch to click." Most of mine do not have this desire. Most of my students want to know what they need to do to get any kind of grade, and do not care about anything else I say. I spend the majority of my class time trying to keep everyone on task. There is no insightful discussion because I have to stop and say "quit talking, give me your phone, no you can't get a drink of water, that word isn't allowed in this classroom...." So I do what I have to do. I teach to the best of my ability and try to show them I care. But instead of them looking at me lovingly with whispers of "O Captain my Captain," they think that I am the biggest B-word they have ever encountered.
So I guess my question to myself is, am I becoming cynical, or just realistic about the public school system? Is it possible to teach like these inspirational figures in regular classes of the public school system? With all of the paperwork, failure intervention plans, meetings, ARDs, modifications, IEPs, etc., how do I truly do my job?
God has called me to this school for this season of my life. I know this. I am confident that He has prepared a good work beforehand for me to walk in here. But it is so difficult to keep my mind constantly on the eternal. I have had the opportunity to share my faith with a student who asked about a month ago. This is HUGE, I know. I am frustrated that all of the crap that comes with the job tends to overshadow awesome moments like that. But I guess my struggle is that the realist/cynic question comes to play in my relationship with God as well.
I am finally coming out of my cynical phase, I think. And it's about time. Being away from Howard Payne has not necessarily changed my viewpoint on a lot of things, but it has allowed me to think about what it means to show grace to people. Sometimes people are narrow minded, and don't care about what's going on in your life, and are judgmental, etc, myself included....but they have just as much crap going on in their lives as you. I am coming to appreciate the resources and people available to me instead of being so critical of the bride of Christ. So I guess if one good thing can come from my fall semester, that would be it!
I don't have answers to any of my questions. I just desire so much to be used by God in a way that pleases Him. And maybe that is happening, I don't know. I guess we shall see.
What I have realized lately is that these systems assume that the students want you to care. That they want to be inspired. That they desire the "switch to click." Most of mine do not have this desire. Most of my students want to know what they need to do to get any kind of grade, and do not care about anything else I say. I spend the majority of my class time trying to keep everyone on task. There is no insightful discussion because I have to stop and say "quit talking, give me your phone, no you can't get a drink of water, that word isn't allowed in this classroom...." So I do what I have to do. I teach to the best of my ability and try to show them I care. But instead of them looking at me lovingly with whispers of "O Captain my Captain," they think that I am the biggest B-word they have ever encountered.
So I guess my question to myself is, am I becoming cynical, or just realistic about the public school system? Is it possible to teach like these inspirational figures in regular classes of the public school system? With all of the paperwork, failure intervention plans, meetings, ARDs, modifications, IEPs, etc., how do I truly do my job?
God has called me to this school for this season of my life. I know this. I am confident that He has prepared a good work beforehand for me to walk in here. But it is so difficult to keep my mind constantly on the eternal. I have had the opportunity to share my faith with a student who asked about a month ago. This is HUGE, I know. I am frustrated that all of the crap that comes with the job tends to overshadow awesome moments like that. But I guess my struggle is that the realist/cynic question comes to play in my relationship with God as well.
I am finally coming out of my cynical phase, I think. And it's about time. Being away from Howard Payne has not necessarily changed my viewpoint on a lot of things, but it has allowed me to think about what it means to show grace to people. Sometimes people are narrow minded, and don't care about what's going on in your life, and are judgmental, etc, myself included....but they have just as much crap going on in their lives as you. I am coming to appreciate the resources and people available to me instead of being so critical of the bride of Christ. So I guess if one good thing can come from my fall semester, that would be it!
I don't have answers to any of my questions. I just desire so much to be used by God in a way that pleases Him. And maybe that is happening, I don't know. I guess we shall see.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
One more week...
I need a break! I cannot express to you how much I am looking forward to Thanksgiving. We get an entire week off, and I am planning on enjoying every second of it. I feel as though I am doing my students an injustice by just being lazy, but honestly, my brain is fried. I keep thinking, how am I going to do this for 24 more weeks? (Not that I am counting) It is slowly but surely getting better. I spent a whole lot of tears those first 8 weeks or so, and now I am getting more and more of a routine. Not that it's easier, mind you, but it's less of a change/transition every day.
I am extremely fed up of disrespect, though. I caught a kid with his mp3 on Friday. Just listening to his music, not caring about what I say. What bothers me about this kid is that he leads worship for his youth group. I am so frustrated that this kid is the example of Christianity in my class, but treats everyone, including me, like crap. He is rude and hateful, and I would rather deal with my kids that hate God than him. I guess that I really need to pray about that, lol.
Again, the less difficult it gets, the less I pray. I am trying to remedy this, to pray for kids like this one instead of feeling anger or frustration. I am begging God for patience each day, and I know that at the end of this school year, God will have done so much in me. I am praying that He will continue to melt away the bad and mold me into something that resembles Him just a bit more.
There are some other things right now that I can't broadcast, but if you are one of the few that know about these big changes coming up, things are looking good and I am excited.
Keep praying.
I am extremely fed up of disrespect, though. I caught a kid with his mp3 on Friday. Just listening to his music, not caring about what I say. What bothers me about this kid is that he leads worship for his youth group. I am so frustrated that this kid is the example of Christianity in my class, but treats everyone, including me, like crap. He is rude and hateful, and I would rather deal with my kids that hate God than him. I guess that I really need to pray about that, lol.
Again, the less difficult it gets, the less I pray. I am trying to remedy this, to pray for kids like this one instead of feeling anger or frustration. I am begging God for patience each day, and I know that at the end of this school year, God will have done so much in me. I am praying that He will continue to melt away the bad and mold me into something that resembles Him just a bit more.
There are some other things right now that I can't broadcast, but if you are one of the few that know about these big changes coming up, things are looking good and I am excited.
Keep praying.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Word of the day
Yesterday was one of those days that you just want to run out of your job screaming "Never again!" while ripping your badge off and throwing it in an inferno of destruction. Anyone feel me on that? No one? It's okay, I am secure enough in my insanity to admit those feelings.
Anyway, this morning I am trying my best to have a major attitude adjustment; after all, it's not my 1st period's fault that a kid went off on my in 7th yesterday. I opened my Bible for a little Christian Roulette....what's it going to be today? With no real plan in mind, I opened up to Psalms. In the corner of the page, I had underlined Psalm 27:13-14. A few years ago, I was going through one of the most difficult times in my life. A guy who I barely knew referenced Psalm 27, saying that it had been his battlecry during his difficult moments. Honestly, even though I had highlighted and underlined it, I never really paid attention to the truth in this passage, but you better believe I am claiming it now:
"I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord, be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord."
I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I know that God is with me, and that He has purpose and a plan for all of this mess. I am waiting, and will continue to do so, trusting that God is with me, that He loves me, and that He will not leave me. Ever.
Anyway, this morning I am trying my best to have a major attitude adjustment; after all, it's not my 1st period's fault that a kid went off on my in 7th yesterday. I opened my Bible for a little Christian Roulette....what's it going to be today? With no real plan in mind, I opened up to Psalms. In the corner of the page, I had underlined Psalm 27:13-14. A few years ago, I was going through one of the most difficult times in my life. A guy who I barely knew referenced Psalm 27, saying that it had been his battlecry during his difficult moments. Honestly, even though I had highlighted and underlined it, I never really paid attention to the truth in this passage, but you better believe I am claiming it now:
"I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord, be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord."
I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I know that God is with me, and that He has purpose and a plan for all of this mess. I am waiting, and will continue to do so, trusting that God is with me, that He loves me, and that He will not leave me. Ever.
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