Isn't it crazy how God uses every avenue in your life to mold a specific part of you? Let me just give the rundown of the different things I have been challenged with, then I will tie them all together in a neat little spiritual package. :)
1) School. The den of negativity. "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here!" At least, that is what it says above the AP Senior Literature teacher's door. I am constantly feeling the presence of dementors (Harry Potter, anyone?) lurking the hallways, making my classroom cold and my spirit heavy. I have been struggling with complaining in this area of my life, and falling into the teacher's lounge conversations of who said this, and who is a bad teacher, and blady blah. At TCAL about a month ago, we were extended the "Grumble Challenge" to not complain verbally or mentally. This has really hit me here at school, where most of my complaining originates and takes place.
2) Family. I am going to keep this as broad as possible, but there are several things that are weighing heavy on my heart.
3) Friendships. Really good things happening here. I feel like I am finally connecting with people, that people are getting to know me for me, and I feel like I actually have a place.
4) Church. Basically the best part of life. I am singing on the praise team, working with college students, and basically am challenged every single time I walk through the doors of both a church service and my small group.
All of this to say, in our college group we are learning about renewing our minds and taking control of my thought life. I wish I would have had all of this in college...so many of my thoughts in all of these areas simply run rampant with no harness or leash whatsoever. I have been chewing on all of this, and I think I am having breakthroughs. Even though I hate my job, I can make a difference while I am here, and I am thankful that I have a full time job with the way the economy is. I am thankful that my family is still alive and kicking, and that my relationship with my sister is so good. I am thankful that I am starting to love working out again. I am thankful for the amazing relationships I have built through TCAL. I am thankful for the ways God is using my past mission experiences even today, even though I don't get to go to Prague next year. It's good.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Realizations
Things I have realized this week:
1) I really struggle with trusting the Lord to take care of me. I worry way too much, and taking every thought captive is something I am working on.
2) I really, truly, love my church.
3) God is getting ready to do something big. I just know it....He has to be.
1) I really struggle with trusting the Lord to take care of me. I worry way too much, and taking every thought captive is something I am working on.
2) I really, truly, love my church.
3) God is getting ready to do something big. I just know it....He has to be.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Longing for Eagles' Wings
Yesterday I experienced an obvious act of God's mercy in my life. It might sound silly, but to me this is a big deal. I took the GRE around 2pm, and halfway through had decided that there was no way I was going to achieve the minimum score required by UTA's masters program, which is a 500 on the verbal. I had resigned myself to taking it again, but during a break was doodling and ended up writing out a prayer to God. In my heart, it was a shot in the dark, and I was even laughing at myself. ("God, you know, if You could some how miraculously change some of my answers and just get me the minimum score, that would be great...") As I clicked over to see the results, I almost swallowed my tongue. 500 exactly on the verbal. 620 on the math, which I completely guessed on. There is no way that is an accident. I don't know why God saw fit to give me a little help, but I am grateful.
I am about to go to school and really need an attitude adjustment. I was reading Isaiah 40 and I want to live in that complete submission. I see so much contentment there. I see so much satisfaction in living in the shadow of the Lord's wings, to dwell in His shelter. But I feel as though I am avoiding the shade at all costs, and I don't know why or how. Tonight I really want to have a time of just reading and meditating, phone on silent, etc. However, the stack of journals and essays is looming at me menacingly. I am just going to make it happen, no matter what I guess.
Enough rambling...time for work.
I am about to go to school and really need an attitude adjustment. I was reading Isaiah 40 and I want to live in that complete submission. I see so much contentment there. I see so much satisfaction in living in the shadow of the Lord's wings, to dwell in His shelter. But I feel as though I am avoiding the shade at all costs, and I don't know why or how. Tonight I really want to have a time of just reading and meditating, phone on silent, etc. However, the stack of journals and essays is looming at me menacingly. I am just going to make it happen, no matter what I guess.
Enough rambling...time for work.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
I can't think of anything creative
Does anyone still play Tetris? I was thinking about it randomly a few minutes ago and how each piece directly correlates to one another. The goal is to not allow the blocks to reach the top. This is accomplished through several things: rotating the blocks, moving them from side to side, but most importantly, creating lines to destroy blocks. When this happens, everything shifts and you have a whole new landscape to work with. I think that life, in general, is a lot like this. Especially mine. I constantly have so many things running through my brain: what is the next step in my life? How can I be a better teacher? How can I serve in my church? Why is it so hard to desire to spend 15 minutes with Jesus? Where does my family fit into this conglomeration?
Sometimes, it takes the complete demolition of a neat, perfect row to jolt me into where I need to be. For those of you that haven't heard, Prague has fallen through. I am disappointed, but feel a sense of complete calm and peace about it all. This has resulted in several opportunities, including a fully paid for masters program! (pending that I get accepted) I have also been asked to co-lead a college community group at DBU. My relationship with my sister is getting better and better. God is completely blowing my plans apart, as He usually does, and it is awesome and much better than I could have come up with myself.
Now if there was a way to enjoy, to be satisfied without wanting more...it seems as though anytime I receive a blessing, I wonder why it was that blessing received instead of something else. I really hate how human I am sometimes. But the challenge extended last Sunday to not grumble or complain is really changing how I view everything in my life.
So, in conclusion, a lot of jumbled thoughts, but hey. That's me.
Sometimes, it takes the complete demolition of a neat, perfect row to jolt me into where I need to be. For those of you that haven't heard, Prague has fallen through. I am disappointed, but feel a sense of complete calm and peace about it all. This has resulted in several opportunities, including a fully paid for masters program! (pending that I get accepted) I have also been asked to co-lead a college community group at DBU. My relationship with my sister is getting better and better. God is completely blowing my plans apart, as He usually does, and it is awesome and much better than I could have come up with myself.
Now if there was a way to enjoy, to be satisfied without wanting more...it seems as though anytime I receive a blessing, I wonder why it was that blessing received instead of something else. I really hate how human I am sometimes. But the challenge extended last Sunday to not grumble or complain is really changing how I view everything in my life.
So, in conclusion, a lot of jumbled thoughts, but hey. That's me.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Domesticity
I just need to say that there are few things that I hate more than cleaning. If someone ransomed my first born and said that in order to get him/her back, I would have to fully clean my apartment top to bottom, I might have to think about it...that's how strongly I feel about it. Not that I am unsanitary or disgusting, I am just cluttered and disorganized. That's me, that is who I am. But that doesn't fly when people are coming over in less than 24 hours for a Christmas party. Grr.
Oh, completely random, but today in 7th period a girl "Reooowwwweed" me today. You know, the ghetto cat noise you make when someone snaps at you? I had no idea people still did that. And that is what I said. "(insert name here), you know people don't say that anymore, right? Can't you come up with something a little less junior high?" Her response was "Reeeeeoooowww."
This is who I teach.
Oh, completely random, but today in 7th period a girl "Reooowwwweed" me today. You know, the ghetto cat noise you make when someone snaps at you? I had no idea people still did that. And that is what I said. "(insert name here), you know people don't say that anymore, right? Can't you come up with something a little less junior high?" Her response was "Reeeeeoooowww."
This is who I teach.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Post #2 of the morning.
Today the blogging that is going on is part of my quiet time; I need to process before I start my week, and writing in my journal is just too slow.
I would like to pose the question, "How does one shift the desire for intimacy with God from something you know you should want to something you truly yearn for?"
This is something I am constantly yo-yoing back and forth from. At the beginning of the school year, I can honestly say I was starving for more and more of God. Devouring His word like it was Thanksgiving dinner. On my knees every day asking Him to reveal Himself to me and to draw me closer to Him.
But, as the pattern goes, this has become less and less. The more I feel like I can handle my job, the less I desire God. I know that this is off, and when I pray I ask God to rekindle that desire within me. My biggest struggle is that I feel like I am lying when I worship during this season. Is it wrong to lift my hands and sing "How Great is our God" when I am not necessarily praising Him throughout my day?
Anyways, I need to go to school. Just wanted to throw that out there.
I would like to pose the question, "How does one shift the desire for intimacy with God from something you know you should want to something you truly yearn for?"
This is something I am constantly yo-yoing back and forth from. At the beginning of the school year, I can honestly say I was starving for more and more of God. Devouring His word like it was Thanksgiving dinner. On my knees every day asking Him to reveal Himself to me and to draw me closer to Him.
But, as the pattern goes, this has become less and less. The more I feel like I can handle my job, the less I desire God. I know that this is off, and when I pray I ask God to rekindle that desire within me. My biggest struggle is that I feel like I am lying when I worship during this season. Is it wrong to lift my hands and sing "How Great is our God" when I am not necessarily praising Him throughout my day?
Anyways, I need to go to school. Just wanted to throw that out there.
Realist or a cynic?
After watching 2 of the most inspirational teacher movies ever known to man (Freedom Writers, Dead Poets Society) in a 48 hour period, I was left with several emotions relating to my current classroom situation. Anyone that has known me for a significant amount of time knows that my philosophy of education has changed drastically from what it was in college. I went into teaching with a desire to be like Mrs. G and Mr. Keating; to cry out with a "barbaric YAWP", to inspire students who didn't want to learn by caring about their lives...that at the end of the school year, I would be able to feel that I had put my heart and soul into my students and that they would leave my room with a passion for English and the knowledge that I believed in them.
What I have realized lately is that these systems assume that the students want you to care. That they want to be inspired. That they desire the "switch to click." Most of mine do not have this desire. Most of my students want to know what they need to do to get any kind of grade, and do not care about anything else I say. I spend the majority of my class time trying to keep everyone on task. There is no insightful discussion because I have to stop and say "quit talking, give me your phone, no you can't get a drink of water, that word isn't allowed in this classroom...." So I do what I have to do. I teach to the best of my ability and try to show them I care. But instead of them looking at me lovingly with whispers of "O Captain my Captain," they think that I am the biggest B-word they have ever encountered.
So I guess my question to myself is, am I becoming cynical, or just realistic about the public school system? Is it possible to teach like these inspirational figures in regular classes of the public school system? With all of the paperwork, failure intervention plans, meetings, ARDs, modifications, IEPs, etc., how do I truly do my job?
God has called me to this school for this season of my life. I know this. I am confident that He has prepared a good work beforehand for me to walk in here. But it is so difficult to keep my mind constantly on the eternal. I have had the opportunity to share my faith with a student who asked about a month ago. This is HUGE, I know. I am frustrated that all of the crap that comes with the job tends to overshadow awesome moments like that. But I guess my struggle is that the realist/cynic question comes to play in my relationship with God as well.
I am finally coming out of my cynical phase, I think. And it's about time. Being away from Howard Payne has not necessarily changed my viewpoint on a lot of things, but it has allowed me to think about what it means to show grace to people. Sometimes people are narrow minded, and don't care about what's going on in your life, and are judgmental, etc, myself included....but they have just as much crap going on in their lives as you. I am coming to appreciate the resources and people available to me instead of being so critical of the bride of Christ. So I guess if one good thing can come from my fall semester, that would be it!
I don't have answers to any of my questions. I just desire so much to be used by God in a way that pleases Him. And maybe that is happening, I don't know. I guess we shall see.
What I have realized lately is that these systems assume that the students want you to care. That they want to be inspired. That they desire the "switch to click." Most of mine do not have this desire. Most of my students want to know what they need to do to get any kind of grade, and do not care about anything else I say. I spend the majority of my class time trying to keep everyone on task. There is no insightful discussion because I have to stop and say "quit talking, give me your phone, no you can't get a drink of water, that word isn't allowed in this classroom...." So I do what I have to do. I teach to the best of my ability and try to show them I care. But instead of them looking at me lovingly with whispers of "O Captain my Captain," they think that I am the biggest B-word they have ever encountered.
So I guess my question to myself is, am I becoming cynical, or just realistic about the public school system? Is it possible to teach like these inspirational figures in regular classes of the public school system? With all of the paperwork, failure intervention plans, meetings, ARDs, modifications, IEPs, etc., how do I truly do my job?
God has called me to this school for this season of my life. I know this. I am confident that He has prepared a good work beforehand for me to walk in here. But it is so difficult to keep my mind constantly on the eternal. I have had the opportunity to share my faith with a student who asked about a month ago. This is HUGE, I know. I am frustrated that all of the crap that comes with the job tends to overshadow awesome moments like that. But I guess my struggle is that the realist/cynic question comes to play in my relationship with God as well.
I am finally coming out of my cynical phase, I think. And it's about time. Being away from Howard Payne has not necessarily changed my viewpoint on a lot of things, but it has allowed me to think about what it means to show grace to people. Sometimes people are narrow minded, and don't care about what's going on in your life, and are judgmental, etc, myself included....but they have just as much crap going on in their lives as you. I am coming to appreciate the resources and people available to me instead of being so critical of the bride of Christ. So I guess if one good thing can come from my fall semester, that would be it!
I don't have answers to any of my questions. I just desire so much to be used by God in a way that pleases Him. And maybe that is happening, I don't know. I guess we shall see.
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