Almost Famous

This morning I was soooo close to being on the radio. Kidd Kraddick has a segment titled "It Sucks to be Me." I mean, I was on air, waiting for my turn. I was going to tell the story of how yesterday my students made up a filthy song about me and programmed it to play through the loudspeaker. Then I chickened out because I was afraid my kiddos would hear. It sucks to be me. lol

Random things that make me happy.

In no particular order....

the August Rush soundtrack
my pink fuzzy robe
TCAL
making unexpected friends
chill time with the familia
writing a song that doesn't suck too badly
having a student want to talk to me about life
coffee.
Jesus.
coffee.
Jesus.
coffee.
Jesus.
most musicals.
the Riggins family.
reading mindless books.
MEL.
reality television.
impromptu mud wrestling.
using punctuation incorrectly. on purpose.
receiving flowers.
youtube.
my iPhone
chips and salsa
inappropriate humor
pedicures
compliments- both to give and receive
booty dancing.
the Dallas Mavericks.
Harry Potter.
Snow...with fuzzy hats and scarves and tall boots.
making music videos.
weddings.
walk in closets.
my new ponytail.
talking on the phone while driving long distances.
Sonic diet dp with vanilla.
Reading really nice recommendation letters.
Europe..or the dream of.

Pain

There is something about pain that affects us more than any other emotion. It permeates even the most random of circumstances, and finds us in the most unlikely places, at times where we feel the most safe. We live life anticipating its arrival, yet it always seems to shake us to the core when it finally finds us. Pain brings about many things, many unexpected things: anger at those who inflict it, resentment towards those who allow it, love towards those who receive it. Pain causes us to reevaluate why we do things, and who we do them for. It molds we think we are into sometimes the worst versions of ourselves, our fleshly shadows who thrive on the crumbs of suffering.
However, there are those rare occasions when pain accidentally messes up its own mission, and shapes us into something that slightly resembles the silouhette of Christ. The pain of nails piercing flesh resonates within our beings, relates to our deepest wounds, and gives us the peace of companionship to bring us through the darkness. We see that pain can sometimes be the result of love, even the method love uses to reach us when nothing else seems to work.
For me, pain is a refreshing reminder that I am not numb. That I feel. And that is a beautiful thing to me. Though it can temporarily blind me, incapacitate me, knock out the very breath with which I cry out to Jesus, I embrace it if it means I can be more like Him. After all...His favorite voice to use is a whisper.

Renewing Your Mind

Isn't it crazy how God uses every avenue in your life to mold a specific part of you? Let me just give the rundown of the different things I have been challenged with, then I will tie them all together in a neat little spiritual package. :)

1) School. The den of negativity. "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here!" At least, that is what it says above the AP Senior Literature teacher's door. I am constantly feeling the presence of dementors (Harry Potter, anyone?) lurking the hallways, making my classroom cold and my spirit heavy. I have been struggling with complaining in this area of my life, and falling into the teacher's lounge conversations of who said this, and who is a bad teacher, and blady blah. At TCAL about a month ago, we were extended the "Grumble Challenge" to not complain verbally or mentally. This has really hit me here at school, where most of my complaining originates and takes place.

2) Family. I am going to keep this as broad as possible, but there are several things that are weighing heavy on my heart.

3) Friendships. Really good things happening here. I feel like I am finally connecting with people, that people are getting to know me for me, and I feel like I actually have a place.

4) Church. Basically the best part of life. I am singing on the praise team, working with college students, and basically am challenged every single time I walk through the doors of both a church service and my small group.

All of this to say, in our college group we are learning about renewing our minds and taking control of my thought life. I wish I would have had all of this in college...so many of my thoughts in all of these areas simply run rampant with no harness or leash whatsoever. I have been chewing on all of this, and I think I am having breakthroughs. Even though I hate my job, I can make a difference while I am here, and I am thankful that I have a full time job with the way the economy is. I am thankful that my family is still alive and kicking, and that my relationship with my sister is so good. I am thankful that I am starting to love working out again. I am thankful for the amazing relationships I have built through TCAL. I am thankful for the ways God is using my past mission experiences even today, even though I don't get to go to Prague next year. It's good.

Realizations

Things I have realized this week:

1) I really struggle with trusting the Lord to take care of me. I worry way too much, and taking every thought captive is something I am working on.

2) I really, truly, love my church.

3) God is getting ready to do something big. I just know it....He has to be.

Longing for Eagles' Wings

Yesterday I experienced an obvious act of God's mercy in my life. It might sound silly, but to me this is a big deal. I took the GRE around 2pm, and halfway through had decided that there was no way I was going to achieve the minimum score required by UTA's masters program, which is a 500 on the verbal. I had resigned myself to taking it again, but during a break was doodling and ended up writing out a prayer to God. In my heart, it was a shot in the dark, and I was even laughing at myself. ("God, you know, if You could some how miraculously change some of my answers and just get me the minimum score, that would be great...") As I clicked over to see the results, I almost swallowed my tongue. 500 exactly on the verbal. 620 on the math, which I completely guessed on. There is no way that is an accident. I don't know why God saw fit to give me a little help, but I am grateful.
I am about to go to school and really need an attitude adjustment. I was reading Isaiah 40 and I want to live in that complete submission. I see so much contentment there. I see so much satisfaction in living in the shadow of the Lord's wings, to dwell in His shelter. But I feel as though I am avoiding the shade at all costs, and I don't know why or how. Tonight I really want to have a time of just reading and meditating, phone on silent, etc. However, the stack of journals and essays is looming at me menacingly. I am just going to make it happen, no matter what I guess.
Enough rambling...time for work.

I can't think of anything creative

Does anyone still play Tetris? I was thinking about it randomly a few minutes ago and how each piece directly correlates to one another. The goal is to not allow the blocks to reach the top. This is accomplished through several things: rotating the blocks, moving them from side to side, but most importantly, creating lines to destroy blocks. When this happens, everything shifts and you have a whole new landscape to work with. I think that life, in general, is a lot like this. Especially mine. I constantly have so many things running through my brain: what is the next step in my life? How can I be a better teacher? How can I serve in my church? Why is it so hard to desire to spend 15 minutes with Jesus? Where does my family fit into this conglomeration?
Sometimes, it takes the complete demolition of a neat, perfect row to jolt me into where I need to be. For those of you that haven't heard, Prague has fallen through. I am disappointed, but feel a sense of complete calm and peace about it all. This has resulted in several opportunities, including a fully paid for masters program! (pending that I get accepted) I have also been asked to co-lead a college community group at DBU. My relationship with my sister is getting better and better. God is completely blowing my plans apart, as He usually does, and it is awesome and much better than I could have come up with myself.
Now if there was a way to enjoy, to be satisfied without wanting more...it seems as though anytime I receive a blessing, I wonder why it was that blessing received instead of something else. I really hate how human I am sometimes. But the challenge extended last Sunday to not grumble or complain is really changing how I view everything in my life.
So, in conclusion, a lot of jumbled thoughts, but hey. That's me.