Sex and the City-Why on earth am I Charlotte?

Unlike most Sex and the City fans, I tuned into the series about 2 years ago when I started recording the episodes on TBS. The first movie came out before I'd ever seen a single episode, and I went to see it simply out of boredom that summer. After watching several episodes, I fell in love with the series. I always wanted to "be" Carrie, because of her stellar fashion and her blogging/writing tendencies. If I could have a dream job, it would be doing what Carrie does. However, I can never seem to find a connection to the root of Carrie's character, which is her inability to make selfless decisions, specifically in relationships. Miranda? Not really. Yes, I am opinionated, but I never am able to articulate myself like her. And I am not a career woman. Samantha, PLEASE. Could not be less like a character. But I have always been turned off to Charlotte because of her rich-girl style and annoying nagging. However, a couple of friends have persistently told me that I am a Charlotte, and after lots of thinking, I'm going to have to agree. Sigh. Here's why:



Charlotte is seen as the prudish one of the girls, constantly cringing at the mention of certain explititives, searching relentlessly for a husband, donning classic solid color suits and pearls. I think that's why I've been so resistant to being labeled as a Charlotte; I HATE being the one who doesn't understand the jokes, who doesn't think that those dumb boot/sandal things are cute, who refuses to wear skinny jeans. I hate it when people give each other that look across the table when I innocently look around and say "What???" But I do relate to Charlotte's ability to not only retain her traditional views on marriage and family, but to, for the most part, make good decisions. Not saying that I'm a fountain of wisdom, but I definitely would NEVER do some of the stupid stuff that Carrie does. Charlotte is apalled when she finds out Carrie is cheating with Big. "You're the other woman!" she exclaims. Her views on cheating are the same as mine; however, Charlotte finds herself in the midst of women who have all sorts of views toward relationships and monogamy. She evolves as the series evolves, culminating in the second movie when she gets all that she wants and is STILL overwhelmed. When Charlotte stresses, she overreacts, whining, crying, high pitched voices, etc........arrow pointing to ME. I hate that I'm like that, but maybe being aware makes it better? lol

All that to say, I definitely am a Charlotte, and I'm proud. She is a strong woman who loves her husband, her children, and her friends. She is consistently there for the girls, no matter what. She is a believer in true love, and will, when the occasion calls for it, throw in a curse word for emphasis (a-thank you). To all of you other Charlottes out there, don't be ashamed!!!

Why do bad things happen to good people?

This world is a messy one to live in. I think that no one would argue with that. There are some awful people who do some pretty twisted things. When we hear on the news that a terrorist has been arrested, we rejoice. When we hear that a murderer has been caught and is off the streets, we breathe sighs of relief. However, in the world that we live in, it is not always the case that justice, at least as we see it, is served. There are occasions, several in fact, that really good people suffer tragic circumstances, for seemingly no reason.
Unfortunately, the first thing people do during times like these is point the finger at God. There are often several ways that this goes down:
1) Blame God. Ask "How could a good God do something so horrible to me?"
2) Treat God as the "Almighty Smiter"...i.e. "I must have done something horrible, and God is punishing me."
3) Refuse to acknowledge that God has any part in it whatsoever..."It's MY life, and I refuse to acknowledge any divine circumstances. At all."
Each one of these are, honestly, understandable in their own ways. It's our human nature to question, to doubt, etc. However, based on what I know of God and His love for mankind, I refuse to believe that any of these are true. The one I was always fed the most as a young Christian was #2. "You have to find a purpose for all of this! There is no reason you would be going through this unless God was teaching you something." The only problem I have with this philosophy is that it insinuates that God is the CAUSE of these awful times...which I don't really believe.
The only scripture that debates my thoughts on the subject is in Job, when God allows Job to be put through torturous things in order to test his faith. That said, here's the conclusion I've come to:
-Due to the fact that we have free will, we have made many bad choices that have allowed awful things to come into this world.
-God loves us so much that He takes the big mess and uses it for good in the world.
-There are times that things are just unexplainable, and we have to cling to what we know of God and His great love for us to get us through, and trust that He will take care of us.
It's easy to say all of these things when I am not in the midst of tragedy. There are people all around me who are suffering from cancer, from losing a loved one, from losing a job, etc. But I hope that when I am faced with these things, I can remember to stop necessarily asking "Why?" and to instead cling to God for comfort and refuge.

I will come back and add to this post later, I think, but right now my brain is all jumbled from multitasking. :)

Trust Issues...dumb.

Do you have those friends in your life who seem to always know the right thing to say to other people, but when it comes to their own lives they never seem to follow their own advice? If you are friends with me, then the answer is a loud, resounding YES. Which, by the way, I greatly dislike about myself. When people talk to me about things that they are going through or struggling with, I feel like I can see the big picture pretty clearly and help give some sound advice most of the time, especially when it is about spiritual stuff. But when it comes to a difficulty or any situation in my own life, I am the first one to worry furiously, grind my teeth, and focus only on what I can see instead of walking with faith.

This, my friends, is FRUSTRATING. And as much as I want to just maintain my zen-like attitude and feel at peace, I get so dadgum angsty! Right now, it is mostly having to do with work, both in my current job and my attempts to line up a job for next year. My situation here at work is getting worse and worse, and I have the bruises to prove it. Not that I am not grateful for the opportunity, and I do love my student, but it's just hard. I am simultaneously trying to do my job and hunt for a teaching job against hundreds of other applicants who are free to go and do as they please during the day. As I watch the positions go from 25 to 20 to today's count of 13, I start to feel anxiety creeping in. Wednesday night it hit an all time high as I couldn't even go to sleep because I was so tense. Poor Justin caught the brunt of it via FB chat--in case you don't know me that well, I have such a hard time articulating when I am that upset, so his signal that something was up was my awkward silence and unusual calm behavior during hang out time. :) But today I am convicted about it, because seriously, it is ridiculous that I don't trust God to take care of me.

The whole reason I named my blog "Elevated Ebenezer" is from the story in the Old Testament about Samuel and the Israelites defeating the Philistines with the help of the Lord. Samuel places a large rock in the place where this amazing victory occured, calling the stone "Ebenezer" which means "thus far, the Lord has been faithful to us." It served as a reminder which, when discouraged, the Israelites could reflect on and use to help encourage them to trust God. In the song "Come Thou Fount," there is a line that says "Here I raise my Ebenezer, hither by thy help I come." This has been my life motto and my encouragement. Any time I doubt, I desire to take the ebenezer stones in my life and use them to spur me on. And that is what I need to do now.

When I quit teaching last year, lots of people thought it was stupid. And financially, yes it was. But God provided a job for me right on time. And when that didn't work out, he provided another one. He allowed me to focus on my masters and accomplish things I never thought I could. He allowed me to be more involved in TCAL, even leading a small group. He allowed me to make new friends and to meet Justin this semester. Who knows if any of that would have happened if I had not quit at Midlo? I know that if I had done another year, I likely would never have thought to teach elementary, which brings me such joy.

Now, here I sit, with the worries of "What if I don't get a job?" constantly on the brain. Well, I might not. But I need to trust that God has something planned for me, and it might not be exactly how I think it should go, but it will be BETTER than what I can imagine.

That said, I have an interview at 4:30 today. I am giving myself this talk to prep in the event that I don't get hired. Say a little prayer for me!

Quest for Sanity at my Wit's End

I have been reading the Chronicles of Narnia to my student over the past month and a half. We have finished all the way up through Voyage of the Dawn Treader and are halfway through The Silver Chair at the moment. However, my favorite of the series has been and will probably always be The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe. While hiding in a wardrobe, the Pevensie children discover a magical land filled with creatures, beauty, a Witch, and a powerful Lion who gives His life to save all of Narnia (um, hello allegory). Love it.
At the moment, I am in hot pursuit of some cabinet drawer or closet space that will take me into a mystical land in which I can find some way to stay sane in the next 3 weeks. All of a sudden, all of the blood, sweat, and tears (literally) I have been putting into my job feel as though they have been in vain. All of the progress that I felt has been made is being undone. Not only does it hurt my heart, but it infuriates me beyond anything I've ever felt.
I don't really get angry. Irritated? Yes. Disappointed? Duh. But never anger. However, today I really thought I could lose it...my whole body went hot and I had to leave the room in order to keep from yelling. Immediately after my episode, I started crying because all that anger had to have somewhere to go.
I'm praying today that God will give me patience that is not of my own doing, a peaceful spirit, and the ability to comparmentalize my life and leave all of this mess at work when I leave today. I know that I need a release of some kind...it will likely be Chalean Extreme later on!

Let's Talk about L-O-V-E

In the past 10 minutes, I have had my iTunes on shuffle, and at least 3 songs have come on. Each one, in its own way, deals with love. Brandon Rhyder understands love by embracing each tiny moment in life in his song "Freeze Frame Time" (GREAT song btw). Celine Dion (don't judge) wonders "Where Does My Heart Beat Now?" because her love has been shattered and is gone...how can she survive? And "Crank That" by Soulja Boy Tell Em....well let's just say that kind of love is made, not felt. I think I'll leave that one alone. Ha ha.
At my church, The Community at Lake Ridge, our pastor talks a lot about love, especially in the series we are doing now about Loving Strong. Last year Paul talked about relationships and how most people go into relationships with the idea that they NEED someone to complete them, to make them happy. Little Jerry Maguire saying "You complete me!" sets us up to think that we cannot survive without some romantic love. As a result, we go into relationships as incomplete people, expecting 1/2 + 1/2 to equal 1 whole person. However, in Paul Mints math, we multiply: 1/2 x 1/2 = 1/4...more incompletion. Paul asserts that we must, in fact, be entirely whole and okay in order to truly and healthily "love" someone. And I agree.
In class on Thursday, somehow we got in a discussion about Christian love vs. normal love. After listening to frustratingly inaccurate descriptions of Christian love, I just threw the statement out that Christians believe that love comes from God, and so if I am loving you in Christian love, it's not mine but God's love that that person is receiving. Instead of seeing that as awesome, most people saw that as love with an ulterior motive, which I really don't understand. All that to say, involving God in the equation completely changes how we must view love. The ultimate act of love is God's sacrifice for us; He loves us with a never ending, life-altering love. Most people, even Christians, live the entirety of their lives without ever experiencing that kind of love...we go through the motions and believe in who God is and in His Son, but we never allow ourselves to FEEL loved by him. I know that for some men especially, it seems weird and a little ooky to think about letting one's guard down and just let God lavish His love onto them...but, in my opinion, experiencing this wonderful love is the only way for us to healthy love another person.
I remember when Paul and Shannon were both talking about their relationship, and Shannon said that she had to become completely satisfied in God's love for her in order for her and Paul to experience a healthy relationship. I think that this is what Paul means by being a whole person. Here is what happens when we realize that God's love is the best, that it's never going to compare with anything we have on earth, and that it COMPLETELY satisfies:

-We stop feeling insecure about being good enough (because we don't have to prove that to God)
-We stop actively seeking relationships with anyone and everyone
-We begin to exude this love onto others, making us more joyful people, thus more attractive inside and out
-We nip so many marriage problems in the bud that stem from clinginess, insecurity, jealousy, etc.

When I say that I know this from experience, I don't mean that "Oh, well, I used to be so insecure, but now that I've tapped into this concept, I'm a love machine..." although that would be really fun to say (I used an accent while saying that in my head...just FYI). But I went FOUR years without being in a relationship with a guy. FOUR YEARS! People...that's a long time. And it wasn't because I didn't want to. I would have spurts where I would get so frustrated with being alone that I would just go on random dates with people I knew it probably wouldn't work with, or would try to change myself in order to get certain people to like me. But something about being out of school and on my own changed a lot of that. Somehow, God started to be enough. I began to not care about relationships that much, which made me enjoy every other facet of my life so much more fully. I had a job, a fabulous church, great friends, wonderful family, all of which were providing me with that love that I wanted so badly. I realized that a man would be a wonderful little added bonus to the mix, but was not necessary to providing me with happiness.

Now that I'm finally dating someone, I'm so glad that I had that time to learn a lot of the tough lessons. I can safely say that there has not been a moment where I've been insecure, jealous, worried, neurotic, etc. about what Justin is thinking/saying/doing. I'm so happy I could burst...and yes, he contributes to that in so many ways, but regardless of how much I enjoy being around him and care about him, being with him does not "complete" me. I am loved so deeply by God, that I'm already filled up....which means that any love that he shows me is icing on the cake...wonderful, delicious icing...lol. I can enjoy being with him without sucking the life out of him, and looking for him to make me okay. Because, guess what: that is impossible. No one person can MAKE you be okay. And that is the quickest way to ending a relationship.

For true love to not only exist but flourish, both individuals must be healthy, whole people who understand that it is not their significant other's job to fill them up. It is only then that a person can truly ENJOY another's love as well as give that kind of love to another person. Not saying that I'm the love expert, but I feel like the past few days I have seen SO many people who feel defeated and let down by their relationships, and I felt like throwing some thoughts out there. Any feedback, both positive or negative, is always welcome!

Cancer Can Suck It

I just finished reading my lovely friend Kelley's new blog, "Feel the Ta-Tas." Kelley just found out that she has breast cancer. As I read about all of her experiences leading up to beginning her blog, I got sick to my stomach. Kelley is one of the most godly women I'm blessed to know, and I know that if anyone can kick cancer's butt, it's her (I stole this blog title from one of her possible titles listed on her blog). But still...the word makes me cringe.
Is it just me, or does it seem like more and more people I know PERSONALLY have received this news? No longer is the "C" word a foreign term that does not apply. I am seeing both healing and heartbreak all around me, in my church, in my friends, in my family. It would be so easy to just get disillusioned and say "Screw it. There is so much despair in the world, Lord! Why should I love You if this is how I get repaid?"
Newsflash: Jesus loves me so much that He gave His life in the most horrible way so that I could have life in eternity with Him.
This life is not meant to be easy. It's meant to be lived in community with God, and to share the hope that He gives us with others. I do not believe that God is a smiter, someone who says "Hmmm...Kelley looks like she needs a challenge. Have a tumor." I believe that God loves Kelley so much that He will use this evil in her life to the most good and wonderful purpose possible. I believe that her life has purpose and that God will be glorified through her.
Kelley girl, I am rooting for you. To all my followers, please follow Kelley on this journey and help spread awareness of the preventative measures we can take to fight cancer.

90 Days to a Better Me

If you have either followed my blog or been my friend on Facebook/Twitter for any amount of time, you know that last fall I was in a health craze. Eating right, working out 2 times a day...it just made sense. I dropped about 15 pounds. Smiley face.

Today, as I struggle to squeeze myself into those jeans I bought in October, I think to myself, "Seriously?"

The fact is, all of us struggle with our image in some capacity. If we don't think we are fat, we think we are too skinny. Bad skin. Too pale. Big feet. Whatever. These physical insecurities are often coupled with internal issues as well. We don't deal with conflict well. We can't get over our fear of speaking to others. We are disorganized. Bad at keeping up with friends. (Keep listening as I describe myself more and more to you. lol)

I'm not complaining about my life at all. I am very happy. I'm loving my relationship with God, have a good job, great boyfriend, fabulous friends. However, I can't sit back and allow myself to undo everything I've worked so hard for. Plus, it's important to do things today that will help you become the person you want to be in the future. I want to be able to not worry about clothing sizes. I want to be able to have an organized house someday. I want to be a godly wife and mother. Therefore....

I've decided to do the impossible. Starting May 3, I am going to begin a 90 day personal challenge in which I hope to become a healthier me. I am going to work on three things: my physical health, my organizational skills, and my faith. How? Good question.

This is not a challenge that I am going to be recruiting for, sending out emails and getting measurements for, etc. I honestly can't handle that right now. I am already putting things off until May 3, because that week will be my last week of the spring semester of graduate school, better known as hell on earth. But I encourage you to follow my blog posts, as I will be writing about my results, struggles, victories, etc. I encourage you to pick a program with me to do yourself during this 90 day period, or to start reading a devotional or a passage of Scripture a day. I hope that my sarcastic comments and overanalytical tendencies will amuse and encourage you to succeed!

Physical Health: Right now I am in the process of picking a program. Beachbody offers some amazing workouts, and I will either be doing P90x, Insanity, or Chalean Extreme. If I do Insanity, I'm still doing a 90 day challenge, but will spend my last 30 workout days training for some kind of running event. If you want to look at the programs, click "Shop" at my coaching website. I'll also be revamping how I eat and counting my calories.

Organizational Health: There is a program created by FlyLady that helps people like me get organized. I did it for a while, it was awesome, then I stopped.

Spiritual: I plan on reading my Bible each day as well as trying to do more nice things for others. I'll have more specifics later.

I'll record EVERYTHING on my blog. Anything I purchase, any blips in the program, you name it. So, who's with me? It's going to be tough, but I can't keep seeing myself slip through the cracks, and neither can you! Let's help each other reach our goals...we can do this!