A Single Girl's Rant that Will Likely Tick You Off if You are Married

An hour after feeling so sleepy I could barely keep my eyes open, I find myself wide awake and hating the fact that I need to get up in 6 hours to work out. So naturally, the cure would be to revive this dusty old blog and process through a rant that has been building up for probably a month or so.

Disclaimer: Yes, I am aware that I am not married, nor have I ever been married. I have probably dated less people than you, so you probably are right about the fact that I am young, naiive, and don't know what I am talking about. If it ticks you off, don't read my blog.

Other Disclaimer: If you do read, please read all the way through, so that you don't think that I'm a Debbie Downer on life...I promise I say nice things too.

Since I was a little girl, I have dreamed of what it would be like to grow up, meet Prince Charming, get married and start a family. I had a dress up trunk that had a toddler sized white dress with a veil and tiara, and my friends and I traded off being the bride. I think most little girls do this, and if not, then they should. It's a great time. My parents got a divorce when I was 5, but thanks to maturity and love for me from both ends, I think that I avoided the cynicism towards love and marriage that many kids from a "broken home" experience (I don't consider mine broken but that's the only term I can think of). As I got older, several of my friends went through similar experiences, but it never bothered me or seemed weird. Even in college, when my friends' parents would suddenly split, we would talk about it as if it were several degrees of separation between us and them...and I guess it was.

Now I am almost 24, going on my 3rd year out of school, and I feel almost blindsided by the amount of marriages I see falling apart. People falling out of love, cheating, lying, shutting down emotionally, purposely hurting one another, hurting their children, and consequently hurting themselves. Perhaps it is because the trend has shifted from parents of friends to friends themselves, I don't know, but I suddenly see so many people whom I have known in their "in love" phases drastically come to a place where they question why they are married at all. Names continuously change back and forth on Facebook as "so and so" switches back to her maiden name because the first marriage just "didn't work out." I'm going to be honest...I hate it and it makes me sick.

Here is what I don't understand: when you stand at the altar and repeat the vows presented before you, and you heard the words "For Better or Worse..." what part of "Worse" did you not understand? The covenant that you are making, broken down, is this: No matter how good it gets, or how BAD it gets, I will be faithful to love you though it. Were you just so excited to have sex with the person that you were blanking out through your vows? Were you just trying to make the other person happy? Did you think that the "worse" aspect would never happen to you, that you were the exception? Now, please hear me, there are a couple of things not included in this blanket statement. If you are getting beaten, or if your children are in danger, GET OUT. If your spouse cheats on you, you have the biblical right to end things if you so choose. But the "I just don't love him/her anymore" line does not fly with me. At all. Here's why.

I have had several people give me crap about the infatuation stage of a relationship. "Well, it's all fun and games now, Skinner," they say, "but wait until you stop being so INFATUATED with one another. Then the real work begins." Ok, you know what? Guess who is not a complete and total idiot? This girl. I am aware that, at one point or another in a relationship, there comes a few times when you have to choose to love a person not out of the butterflies in your stomach, but because you have committed to do so. I don't claim to know when this will happen or how it will manifest itself, but it's going to happen. For my pastor, he said it happened both 6 months after his marriage as well as about 7 years in. But guess what? I sure as hell am not going to sit there on my butt, say to myself, "Oh crap, this sucks, guess everyone was right," and not do anything about it. You know why? Because my marriage will fall apart.

If you know me, you know that I am a planner, and a proactive one at that. I like to take all sorts of preventative measures to avoid conflict, drama, and other issues. Same with marriage. I think that having a realistic expectation of marriage is so important, and I think that by knowing it won't always be perfect, I'll have a better perspective when conflict arises. When I see something in my character or personality now that I forsee causing issues later, I nip it in the bud. Example: me and conflict. I hate conflict and have in the past refused to speak up because I feel stupid. I've now committed to myself that, if something is wrong, no matter how stupid I think it is, I make myself voice it. Also, if you know me, you also know that when I love someone, I love them fiercely, with all of my being, and will fight for them. You better believe that if I am committing my life to you, that I will fight for "us" with everything that is in me. I will do whatever it takes to keep my marriage together, to actively love my spouse, no matter what.

I feel like I sound like I'm pessimistic about the whole thing, but I am soooo not. I love the idea of marriage and am excited about being married someday. I believe that, when I get married, it will be the most wonderful decision besides accepting Christ as my Savior that I will make. I see many examples of marriages that just overflow love and contentment. My family shows me that kind of love and commitment every day that I am around them. That's my point. I'm 23 (almost 24) years old...there is a lot about the future that I don't know. What if I can't have kids? What if one of my parents dies? What if a parent of my spouse dies? What if, what if, what if....there are a lot of things that could happen that would put a strain on two people trying to love each other through the better and worse of life. But all I know is, on my end at least, there is nothing that can or will happen that will kill my passion for what is right, what honors the Lord, and what furthers my ability to love.

Furthermore, I think it is extremely selfish to say that you are done trying to make it work. Yeah, I know. Your spouse is a jerk. He/she doesn't appreciate you. He/she doesn't meet your needs. Well, duh! Only God can do that! He is the one who will make you feel like you are worth anything. He is the only stable, perfect source of love in your life that will not let you down. All you can control is how you love others, not how they love you in return. Humble yourself enough to do what it takes, whether that be praying for the ability to love your spouse, going to see a counselor, talking to the pastor of your church, all of the above. Make. It. Happen...at least on your end. Then you can at least say that you have done everything you can do. Do not play the "what if" game...there is no "what if." Make your current situation as good as it can be instead of playing out scenarios that will not happen.

As hard as it is to believe, I say all of this partially out of anger, but mostly out of love and pain for my brothers and sisters in Christ who are allowing Satan to have a stronghold in their marriage. DO NOT let him win! God intends marriage to be the ultimate culmination here on earth, an act of worship allowing us to have a deeper picture of His love for us. Allow God to work in your lives, to draw you closer to Him THROUGH the ups and downs of life...don't avoid them and allow the enemy to speak his lies into your heart. Take a stand. Stand for what's right.

Sidenote: I do not believe that I, nor most of the friends I have that are accused of this, am "infatuated." It's called being in love. Let us enjoy it instead of trying to make other people feel guilty for being happy.

I welcome all feedback, positive and negative, and am willing to discuss this issue further, though I stand by my own convictions and will not likely change my mind.

Get Real Monday....on a Tuesday (or is it Wednesday?)

So, this post is going to serve two purposes. One: to pose a question to other bloggers and friends out there, and two: to try to refigure my brain a little bit.

I usually don't participate in Get Real Monday. Most of the time, what I have to "get real" about is no different than what I would normally say or how I act. I consider myself pretty honest, even too much so at times. I suck at lying, even if it's just a weird facial expression due to an emotion. But I got called out on something on Friday, and I've been stewing over it this weekend and just can't really shake it. So, blog community, let me ask you...

What is the thing about yourself (apart from any physical insecurity) that you like the least? And, once you have identified this feature, how do you go about fixing it?

As I was sitting with my student on Friday, I was talking to one of my aides about my random thought process and how much I dislike it. I consider myself a pretty mellow person, over all. I'm low maintenance, pretty easy to please, hater of drama, etc. But I AM a worrier. It comes in phases, most of the time when things are going really well in my life. It's not as hard for me to have faith when things are crappy, because leaning on Jesus for strength and trusting Him are kind of a package deal. But for me, when things seem grand, I start to doubt and wonder where the catch is. I get a thought going in my head, maybe an insecurity or a worry, and it just makes its home in my brain and repeats itself over and over. I was telling this to my aide, and she told me that I sound extremely OCD to her. Confused based on my disorganized lifestyle, I waited for more of an explanation. She told me that the way I fixate on thoughts is such an OCD thing, combined with my perfectionist inability to be okay with making mistakes. Therefore I feel guilty for worrying and I rip myself to shreds.

The trouble with this is that none of these ways of dealing with it is honoring to God. The past couple of weeks it just seems like my brain is on overload, constantly trying to just take it easy and go along for the ride, enjoying the good times. Easier said than done for me. I can't seem to let go, or if I do, it's a repeated effort. I'm tired of beating myself up over it, but it's honestly freaking frustrating to know that you worry too much yet not be able to simply say "Okay, I'm done worrying now." I know what needs to happen, but it's a matter of not allowing Satan the victory of any power over my mind.

I need to spend some time with God. I need to remember Shannon's words so deeply engraved in my mind: "God is the only One who will ever satisfy ALL of your needs and wants, including how you feel about yourself." I need to surrender control...which sucks and is hard for me to do. And I need to stop trying to fix myself, and to trust that people around me love me for me (shout out, JJ Heller).

Easier said than done, but it needs to be done. Lord, help me know where to start, and help me to loosen my grip.

Sex and the City-Why on earth am I Charlotte?

Unlike most Sex and the City fans, I tuned into the series about 2 years ago when I started recording the episodes on TBS. The first movie came out before I'd ever seen a single episode, and I went to see it simply out of boredom that summer. After watching several episodes, I fell in love with the series. I always wanted to "be" Carrie, because of her stellar fashion and her blogging/writing tendencies. If I could have a dream job, it would be doing what Carrie does. However, I can never seem to find a connection to the root of Carrie's character, which is her inability to make selfless decisions, specifically in relationships. Miranda? Not really. Yes, I am opinionated, but I never am able to articulate myself like her. And I am not a career woman. Samantha, PLEASE. Could not be less like a character. But I have always been turned off to Charlotte because of her rich-girl style and annoying nagging. However, a couple of friends have persistently told me that I am a Charlotte, and after lots of thinking, I'm going to have to agree. Sigh. Here's why:



Charlotte is seen as the prudish one of the girls, constantly cringing at the mention of certain explititives, searching relentlessly for a husband, donning classic solid color suits and pearls. I think that's why I've been so resistant to being labeled as a Charlotte; I HATE being the one who doesn't understand the jokes, who doesn't think that those dumb boot/sandal things are cute, who refuses to wear skinny jeans. I hate it when people give each other that look across the table when I innocently look around and say "What???" But I do relate to Charlotte's ability to not only retain her traditional views on marriage and family, but to, for the most part, make good decisions. Not saying that I'm a fountain of wisdom, but I definitely would NEVER do some of the stupid stuff that Carrie does. Charlotte is apalled when she finds out Carrie is cheating with Big. "You're the other woman!" she exclaims. Her views on cheating are the same as mine; however, Charlotte finds herself in the midst of women who have all sorts of views toward relationships and monogamy. She evolves as the series evolves, culminating in the second movie when she gets all that she wants and is STILL overwhelmed. When Charlotte stresses, she overreacts, whining, crying, high pitched voices, etc........arrow pointing to ME. I hate that I'm like that, but maybe being aware makes it better? lol

All that to say, I definitely am a Charlotte, and I'm proud. She is a strong woman who loves her husband, her children, and her friends. She is consistently there for the girls, no matter what. She is a believer in true love, and will, when the occasion calls for it, throw in a curse word for emphasis (a-thank you). To all of you other Charlottes out there, don't be ashamed!!!

Why do bad things happen to good people?

This world is a messy one to live in. I think that no one would argue with that. There are some awful people who do some pretty twisted things. When we hear on the news that a terrorist has been arrested, we rejoice. When we hear that a murderer has been caught and is off the streets, we breathe sighs of relief. However, in the world that we live in, it is not always the case that justice, at least as we see it, is served. There are occasions, several in fact, that really good people suffer tragic circumstances, for seemingly no reason.
Unfortunately, the first thing people do during times like these is point the finger at God. There are often several ways that this goes down:
1) Blame God. Ask "How could a good God do something so horrible to me?"
2) Treat God as the "Almighty Smiter"...i.e. "I must have done something horrible, and God is punishing me."
3) Refuse to acknowledge that God has any part in it whatsoever..."It's MY life, and I refuse to acknowledge any divine circumstances. At all."
Each one of these are, honestly, understandable in their own ways. It's our human nature to question, to doubt, etc. However, based on what I know of God and His love for mankind, I refuse to believe that any of these are true. The one I was always fed the most as a young Christian was #2. "You have to find a purpose for all of this! There is no reason you would be going through this unless God was teaching you something." The only problem I have with this philosophy is that it insinuates that God is the CAUSE of these awful times...which I don't really believe.
The only scripture that debates my thoughts on the subject is in Job, when God allows Job to be put through torturous things in order to test his faith. That said, here's the conclusion I've come to:
-Due to the fact that we have free will, we have made many bad choices that have allowed awful things to come into this world.
-God loves us so much that He takes the big mess and uses it for good in the world.
-There are times that things are just unexplainable, and we have to cling to what we know of God and His great love for us to get us through, and trust that He will take care of us.
It's easy to say all of these things when I am not in the midst of tragedy. There are people all around me who are suffering from cancer, from losing a loved one, from losing a job, etc. But I hope that when I am faced with these things, I can remember to stop necessarily asking "Why?" and to instead cling to God for comfort and refuge.

I will come back and add to this post later, I think, but right now my brain is all jumbled from multitasking. :)

Trust Issues...dumb.

Do you have those friends in your life who seem to always know the right thing to say to other people, but when it comes to their own lives they never seem to follow their own advice? If you are friends with me, then the answer is a loud, resounding YES. Which, by the way, I greatly dislike about myself. When people talk to me about things that they are going through or struggling with, I feel like I can see the big picture pretty clearly and help give some sound advice most of the time, especially when it is about spiritual stuff. But when it comes to a difficulty or any situation in my own life, I am the first one to worry furiously, grind my teeth, and focus only on what I can see instead of walking with faith.

This, my friends, is FRUSTRATING. And as much as I want to just maintain my zen-like attitude and feel at peace, I get so dadgum angsty! Right now, it is mostly having to do with work, both in my current job and my attempts to line up a job for next year. My situation here at work is getting worse and worse, and I have the bruises to prove it. Not that I am not grateful for the opportunity, and I do love my student, but it's just hard. I am simultaneously trying to do my job and hunt for a teaching job against hundreds of other applicants who are free to go and do as they please during the day. As I watch the positions go from 25 to 20 to today's count of 13, I start to feel anxiety creeping in. Wednesday night it hit an all time high as I couldn't even go to sleep because I was so tense. Poor Justin caught the brunt of it via FB chat--in case you don't know me that well, I have such a hard time articulating when I am that upset, so his signal that something was up was my awkward silence and unusual calm behavior during hang out time. :) But today I am convicted about it, because seriously, it is ridiculous that I don't trust God to take care of me.

The whole reason I named my blog "Elevated Ebenezer" is from the story in the Old Testament about Samuel and the Israelites defeating the Philistines with the help of the Lord. Samuel places a large rock in the place where this amazing victory occured, calling the stone "Ebenezer" which means "thus far, the Lord has been faithful to us." It served as a reminder which, when discouraged, the Israelites could reflect on and use to help encourage them to trust God. In the song "Come Thou Fount," there is a line that says "Here I raise my Ebenezer, hither by thy help I come." This has been my life motto and my encouragement. Any time I doubt, I desire to take the ebenezer stones in my life and use them to spur me on. And that is what I need to do now.

When I quit teaching last year, lots of people thought it was stupid. And financially, yes it was. But God provided a job for me right on time. And when that didn't work out, he provided another one. He allowed me to focus on my masters and accomplish things I never thought I could. He allowed me to be more involved in TCAL, even leading a small group. He allowed me to make new friends and to meet Justin this semester. Who knows if any of that would have happened if I had not quit at Midlo? I know that if I had done another year, I likely would never have thought to teach elementary, which brings me such joy.

Now, here I sit, with the worries of "What if I don't get a job?" constantly on the brain. Well, I might not. But I need to trust that God has something planned for me, and it might not be exactly how I think it should go, but it will be BETTER than what I can imagine.

That said, I have an interview at 4:30 today. I am giving myself this talk to prep in the event that I don't get hired. Say a little prayer for me!

Quest for Sanity at my Wit's End

I have been reading the Chronicles of Narnia to my student over the past month and a half. We have finished all the way up through Voyage of the Dawn Treader and are halfway through The Silver Chair at the moment. However, my favorite of the series has been and will probably always be The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe. While hiding in a wardrobe, the Pevensie children discover a magical land filled with creatures, beauty, a Witch, and a powerful Lion who gives His life to save all of Narnia (um, hello allegory). Love it.
At the moment, I am in hot pursuit of some cabinet drawer or closet space that will take me into a mystical land in which I can find some way to stay sane in the next 3 weeks. All of a sudden, all of the blood, sweat, and tears (literally) I have been putting into my job feel as though they have been in vain. All of the progress that I felt has been made is being undone. Not only does it hurt my heart, but it infuriates me beyond anything I've ever felt.
I don't really get angry. Irritated? Yes. Disappointed? Duh. But never anger. However, today I really thought I could lose it...my whole body went hot and I had to leave the room in order to keep from yelling. Immediately after my episode, I started crying because all that anger had to have somewhere to go.
I'm praying today that God will give me patience that is not of my own doing, a peaceful spirit, and the ability to comparmentalize my life and leave all of this mess at work when I leave today. I know that I need a release of some kind...it will likely be Chalean Extreme later on!

Let's Talk about L-O-V-E

In the past 10 minutes, I have had my iTunes on shuffle, and at least 3 songs have come on. Each one, in its own way, deals with love. Brandon Rhyder understands love by embracing each tiny moment in life in his song "Freeze Frame Time" (GREAT song btw). Celine Dion (don't judge) wonders "Where Does My Heart Beat Now?" because her love has been shattered and is gone...how can she survive? And "Crank That" by Soulja Boy Tell Em....well let's just say that kind of love is made, not felt. I think I'll leave that one alone. Ha ha.
At my church, The Community at Lake Ridge, our pastor talks a lot about love, especially in the series we are doing now about Loving Strong. Last year Paul talked about relationships and how most people go into relationships with the idea that they NEED someone to complete them, to make them happy. Little Jerry Maguire saying "You complete me!" sets us up to think that we cannot survive without some romantic love. As a result, we go into relationships as incomplete people, expecting 1/2 + 1/2 to equal 1 whole person. However, in Paul Mints math, we multiply: 1/2 x 1/2 = 1/4...more incompletion. Paul asserts that we must, in fact, be entirely whole and okay in order to truly and healthily "love" someone. And I agree.
In class on Thursday, somehow we got in a discussion about Christian love vs. normal love. After listening to frustratingly inaccurate descriptions of Christian love, I just threw the statement out that Christians believe that love comes from God, and so if I am loving you in Christian love, it's not mine but God's love that that person is receiving. Instead of seeing that as awesome, most people saw that as love with an ulterior motive, which I really don't understand. All that to say, involving God in the equation completely changes how we must view love. The ultimate act of love is God's sacrifice for us; He loves us with a never ending, life-altering love. Most people, even Christians, live the entirety of their lives without ever experiencing that kind of love...we go through the motions and believe in who God is and in His Son, but we never allow ourselves to FEEL loved by him. I know that for some men especially, it seems weird and a little ooky to think about letting one's guard down and just let God lavish His love onto them...but, in my opinion, experiencing this wonderful love is the only way for us to healthy love another person.
I remember when Paul and Shannon were both talking about their relationship, and Shannon said that she had to become completely satisfied in God's love for her in order for her and Paul to experience a healthy relationship. I think that this is what Paul means by being a whole person. Here is what happens when we realize that God's love is the best, that it's never going to compare with anything we have on earth, and that it COMPLETELY satisfies:

-We stop feeling insecure about being good enough (because we don't have to prove that to God)
-We stop actively seeking relationships with anyone and everyone
-We begin to exude this love onto others, making us more joyful people, thus more attractive inside and out
-We nip so many marriage problems in the bud that stem from clinginess, insecurity, jealousy, etc.

When I say that I know this from experience, I don't mean that "Oh, well, I used to be so insecure, but now that I've tapped into this concept, I'm a love machine..." although that would be really fun to say (I used an accent while saying that in my head...just FYI). But I went FOUR years without being in a relationship with a guy. FOUR YEARS! People...that's a long time. And it wasn't because I didn't want to. I would have spurts where I would get so frustrated with being alone that I would just go on random dates with people I knew it probably wouldn't work with, or would try to change myself in order to get certain people to like me. But something about being out of school and on my own changed a lot of that. Somehow, God started to be enough. I began to not care about relationships that much, which made me enjoy every other facet of my life so much more fully. I had a job, a fabulous church, great friends, wonderful family, all of which were providing me with that love that I wanted so badly. I realized that a man would be a wonderful little added bonus to the mix, but was not necessary to providing me with happiness.

Now that I'm finally dating someone, I'm so glad that I had that time to learn a lot of the tough lessons. I can safely say that there has not been a moment where I've been insecure, jealous, worried, neurotic, etc. about what Justin is thinking/saying/doing. I'm so happy I could burst...and yes, he contributes to that in so many ways, but regardless of how much I enjoy being around him and care about him, being with him does not "complete" me. I am loved so deeply by God, that I'm already filled up....which means that any love that he shows me is icing on the cake...wonderful, delicious icing...lol. I can enjoy being with him without sucking the life out of him, and looking for him to make me okay. Because, guess what: that is impossible. No one person can MAKE you be okay. And that is the quickest way to ending a relationship.

For true love to not only exist but flourish, both individuals must be healthy, whole people who understand that it is not their significant other's job to fill them up. It is only then that a person can truly ENJOY another's love as well as give that kind of love to another person. Not saying that I'm the love expert, but I feel like the past few days I have seen SO many people who feel defeated and let down by their relationships, and I felt like throwing some thoughts out there. Any feedback, both positive or negative, is always welcome!