What's in a friend?

As obvious by my lack of blog posts, the past 4-5 months have been so crazy busy. Married in June, school started in August...it just feels like I haven't had time for anything. Unfortunately, not having time has combined with this extreme desire to be anti-social. Maybe it's a newlywed thing, but any desire that I have to leave Mansfield, let alone the house, just doesn't exist. Which sucks, because most of the people I spent time with don't live in Mansfield. So I have had 2 choices: a) be a jerk and tell everyone to come to me, or b) not see my friends. Unfortunately I've chosen B by default. And it's starting to bite me in the butt.

I'm not sure if I am just a normal newlywed or a bad friend. It hasn't started to bother me until lately, when I see my friends all hanging out with each other and realizing that I'm starting to fade away. People are starting to know in advance that I probably won't come. I feel bad, but at the same time the thought of driving in city traffic during the week makes me want to cringe. Am I a horrible person??? I want my friendships to stay intact, but I also have to redefine what these look like now that I am married. For instance, some things that I would have spilled my guts about have to remain private. Why? Because it's not just my business anymore...it's both mine and Justin's. I have to be careful how much I share, because I can't compromise the confidentiality between husband and wife.

Justin seems to be untouched by the anti-social bug. He still hangs out with his guy friends, goes places, etc. I don't want to be creeper wife that doesn't have her own life, so I need to get my butt in gear! Any tips on how to break this lack of desire to put on jeans and walk out the door???

Stronger than Yesterday

Britney Spears sure had the right idea when she wrote that song. Even though it's about not needing a man, the premise sure seems nice: "I'm stronger than yesterday, now it's nothing but my way, my loneliness ain't killing me no more..." This attitude encompasses who I thought I was when I was single. I had to rely on God and on myself; I constantly lived in a "suck it up" mentality, giving off the heir that I didn't care what people thought, and that I could take on the world.
Lately, I've felt anything but strong. I used to think it's because now I finally have someone I can open myself up to, and that my emotions are making up for lost time. But defeat just seems to come so easily. I've become pretty pessimistic--not getting my hopes up because I can't handle disappointment.
With all of the craziness of me passing out last week and doctors trying to figure out what is wrong, I've run the emotional gamut. I've done my best to trust in God, to surrender my worries to Him, but I fear that I've failed somehow. I'm left with a ball of nerves, a disappointment in myself, and a longing to be stronger. I think about Kelley McElreath, how she looked cancer in the face and used every ounce of her journey as an opportunity to provide hope to cancer victims. I see my dad, how his job beats him up daily but he comes home with a smile on his face. I want to BE those people. Not a weeping puddle of self pity and anxiety.
How does one come to this point? What can I do to be stronger? I am afraid to pray for strength, because in my experience God gives you opportunities to be strong...and I really don't want yet another test of my strength.
Any advice? I think that Justin deserves a wife that can stand on her own two feet. Just saying.

Dear Little Dearing

Disclaimer: I am not pregnant. This is something that has just been on my heart a lot.

Dear Baby Dearing,

Right now, in this very moment, I want you to know something.

You. Are. SO. Loved.

As of today, you are only a distant thought. I have no idea when you will come to exist. I don't know if you will be a girl or a boy. I have no idea if you will look like me or like your dad. But I want you to know that I think about you all the time.

I wonder what kinds of things you will enjoy. Will you be a book nerd like me? A sports freak like your dad? I wonder if we will share a pint of ice cream or bake cookies together. I bet that you will be a better cook than me by oh, about age 6. I wonder about your personality. WIll you be chill, or high maintenance? Sorry, but your gene pool does have a SLIGHT bit of spaz in there. Fight it. ;) I hope that you are secure enough in yourself to be silly. Otherwise, you have a long road of your parents embarrassing you by dancing through the aisle of Target or randomly breaking out in song.

I also think about your heart. I hope that you are kind. In my mind, you are the person who is not only a great friend, but someone who shows compassion to others that need it. I hope that you come home from school and ask me how we can help that boy/girl who doesn't have any winter clothes. I also pray for your salvation. I pray that you get to know who Jesus is, that you realize how much He loves you, and that you love Him back. I pray you are a leader, not a follower. I pray that you set a good example, but that you are non judgmental.

I don't know your name, but I want you to know that right now, in this moment, your dad and I love you more than we even understand. Someday, and I don't know when, we will come face to face for the first time.

I can't wait. :)

Love,
Mom

Wow. Hello, dusty old blog. I have not written anything in months. Well, to fill you in, I've been busy getting married, honeymooning in Antigua, training a new puppy, starting school, and dealing with school craziness. The icing on the cake has been living under the same roof with my amazing husband. He is my biggest fan, and vice versa. Love him.

So, I'm not going to make this long, but I would like to pose a question to my followers, if you are still listening. Earlier in the year I was having crazy panic attacks. I was an emotional wreck. I finally listened to some friends and decided to try some mild anti anxiety pills. Well, after the wedding and into the summer I was doing great. Even right before school, I wasn't stressing. My prescription ran out and I didn't refill it because it is so expensive, and I thought that maybe it was all wedding stuff.

Now, two weeks into school, I feel like I'm on the verge of crying all of the time, I feel defeated at the end of the day for no reason, and I am just having a hard time. Do you think it is just first of school blues, or should I refill the billion dollar bottle?

Dear Husband

Dear Husband,

I can't believe that as I write this letter, our wedding is in 3(ish) days. I cannot tell you how many times I have written letters over the years to "my future husband," with such a looming anonymity that I thought would never fully become a reality. Yet here we are.

I am changed because of you. You have helped me believe in love. You have showed me how to trust in people, how to completely let go of my pride and insecurity and just be myself, good, bad, and ugly. You have also shown me what it feels like to be loved and accepted despite all three of those things.

You have given me confidence in who God has created me to be. I know now that I can trust the passions and desires of my heart. I never thought that the person in my head that I imagined God sending me would really exist...yet here you are.

You have shown me that miracles do happen. What should have been a fluke blind date has transformed into something eternal. Things like that don't just happen to people. We are some of the few lucky ones. Out of all of the people we could have settled for and been content with, you are my "bullseye", someone who will be my best friend from now until we die.

You tell me how lucky you are. I am the lucky one. I see who you are, what is in your heart, and it is wonderful. Thank you so much for allowing me in and for giving me an opportunity to have the most amazing future I can imagine. I love you so much.

Love,
Your wife (3 ish days)

Dear Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

In 10 days, I will be a wife. I will take on a new name, and begin a completely new phase in my life. Guess what? You are not a part of it.
I thought you were a special person. I thought that you thought the same of me. I thought that there would be no way that my life would move in this direction without you somewhere in the picture.
You know what? It's okay. The Caty that you know would probably be trying to nag, call, freak out on you, begging for answers. But I don't need that now. I've come to the conclusion that it was merely a season. If you ever stumble upon this post, you might think that it's about you...but at the same time, I hope that it never even occurs to you that you are Anonymous. Why would it? I find the idea of you piecing it together somewhat offensive. So don't worry. It's not about you.
This is me officially shutting the door. Not slamming it. Just gently moving onto a place where 10th chances don't exist.

-Caty

For the record, when I started writing this letter, I had one person in mind. When I finished it, I realized I was talking to someone else. Weird. Does that make me schizophrenic?

Mrs. Dearing, Anxiety, and Earmuffs

I apologize to the 26 followers I have for being MIA lately. It has been crazy, what with moving, the end of school, and yes, planning a wedding. Since it is summer and my sleep schedule is absolutely whack, I'm going to spend some late night reflection time here with you, processing all of this stuff.

I am super excited about getting married. I cannot believe it is only in 10 days. I will no longer be a Skinner. I am surprisingly okay with that...I always thought it would be this huge "surrendering my identity" thing...but really, I feel like my personality, my crazies, everything that makes me a "Skinner" will not only stay intact, but be protected and encouraged by my future hubs. I look forward to being a married couple, to people not asking us anymore about how we like being engaged, and am just ready for normalcy! This year has been the absolute best year of my life, but we have encountered some real roller coasters. At least now, when things like anxiety hits, we don't have to go it alone. J, I love you and can't imagine any happier of a life than one spent with you. 10 days. Get excited.

Update on the anxiety...it's been interesting but things have been somewhat better. I've only had 3 panic attacks in about a 6 week span, which is a huge improvement. Lately anxiety has manifested itself in a LOT of stomach aches and issues that go with that. I also have hormones that think they are jumping beans. It's a wild ride in this head of mine! But I think that the rest of the summer will lend itself as an opportunity to wind down and really get some needed veg out time. I can still use any prayer that you want to throw my way, and I appreciate those of you who have really encouraged me through this yuckiness.

Lastly...I've taken a somewhat apathetic turn the past couple of weeks regarding my usual opinionated thoughts. I'm hoping it's a phase. I am doing the best I can to put my "earmuffs" on so to speak and just go about my business. I was all psyched up to write a post on gossip because I've been reading some Scripture about the power of words and was all sorts of fired up, but I really feel like God is just telling me to shut up at the moment. So consider this as me minding my own business and not adding my 2 cents in as of late.

10 days! Caty Dearing. Caty Dearing. Still not used to it.