Disclaimer: I am not pregnant. This is something that has just been on my heart a lot.
Dear Baby Dearing,
Right now, in this very moment, I want you to know something.
You. Are. SO. Loved.
As of today, you are only a distant thought. I have no idea when you will come to exist. I don't know if you will be a girl or a boy. I have no idea if you will look like me or like your dad. But I want you to know that I think about you all the time.
I wonder what kinds of things you will enjoy. Will you be a book nerd like me? A sports freak like your dad? I wonder if we will share a pint of ice cream or bake cookies together. I bet that you will be a better cook than me by oh, about age 6. I wonder about your personality. WIll you be chill, or high maintenance? Sorry, but your gene pool does have a SLIGHT bit of spaz in there. Fight it. ;) I hope that you are secure enough in yourself to be silly. Otherwise, you have a long road of your parents embarrassing you by dancing through the aisle of Target or randomly breaking out in song.
I also think about your heart. I hope that you are kind. In my mind, you are the person who is not only a great friend, but someone who shows compassion to others that need it. I hope that you come home from school and ask me how we can help that boy/girl who doesn't have any winter clothes. I also pray for your salvation. I pray that you get to know who Jesus is, that you realize how much He loves you, and that you love Him back. I pray you are a leader, not a follower. I pray that you set a good example, but that you are non judgmental.
I don't know your name, but I want you to know that right now, in this moment, your dad and I love you more than we even understand. Someday, and I don't know when, we will come face to face for the first time.
I can't wait. :)
Love,
Mom
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Wow. Hello, dusty old blog. I have not written anything in months. Well, to fill you in, I've been busy getting married, honeymooning in Antigua, training a new puppy, starting school, and dealing with school craziness. The icing on the cake has been living under the same roof with my amazing husband. He is my biggest fan, and vice versa. Love him.
So, I'm not going to make this long, but I would like to pose a question to my followers, if you are still listening. Earlier in the year I was having crazy panic attacks. I was an emotional wreck. I finally listened to some friends and decided to try some mild anti anxiety pills. Well, after the wedding and into the summer I was doing great. Even right before school, I wasn't stressing. My prescription ran out and I didn't refill it because it is so expensive, and I thought that maybe it was all wedding stuff.
Now, two weeks into school, I feel like I'm on the verge of crying all of the time, I feel defeated at the end of the day for no reason, and I am just having a hard time. Do you think it is just first of school blues, or should I refill the billion dollar bottle?
So, I'm not going to make this long, but I would like to pose a question to my followers, if you are still listening. Earlier in the year I was having crazy panic attacks. I was an emotional wreck. I finally listened to some friends and decided to try some mild anti anxiety pills. Well, after the wedding and into the summer I was doing great. Even right before school, I wasn't stressing. My prescription ran out and I didn't refill it because it is so expensive, and I thought that maybe it was all wedding stuff.
Now, two weeks into school, I feel like I'm on the verge of crying all of the time, I feel defeated at the end of the day for no reason, and I am just having a hard time. Do you think it is just first of school blues, or should I refill the billion dollar bottle?
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Dear Husband
Dear Husband,
I can't believe that as I write this letter, our wedding is in 3(ish) days. I cannot tell you how many times I have written letters over the years to "my future husband," with such a looming anonymity that I thought would never fully become a reality. Yet here we are.
I am changed because of you. You have helped me believe in love. You have showed me how to trust in people, how to completely let go of my pride and insecurity and just be myself, good, bad, and ugly. You have also shown me what it feels like to be loved and accepted despite all three of those things.
You have given me confidence in who God has created me to be. I know now that I can trust the passions and desires of my heart. I never thought that the person in my head that I imagined God sending me would really exist...yet here you are.
You have shown me that miracles do happen. What should have been a fluke blind date has transformed into something eternal. Things like that don't just happen to people. We are some of the few lucky ones. Out of all of the people we could have settled for and been content with, you are my "bullseye", someone who will be my best friend from now until we die.
You tell me how lucky you are. I am the lucky one. I see who you are, what is in your heart, and it is wonderful. Thank you so much for allowing me in and for giving me an opportunity to have the most amazing future I can imagine. I love you so much.
Love,
Your wife (3 ish days)
I can't believe that as I write this letter, our wedding is in 3(ish) days. I cannot tell you how many times I have written letters over the years to "my future husband," with such a looming anonymity that I thought would never fully become a reality. Yet here we are.
I am changed because of you. You have helped me believe in love. You have showed me how to trust in people, how to completely let go of my pride and insecurity and just be myself, good, bad, and ugly. You have also shown me what it feels like to be loved and accepted despite all three of those things.
You have given me confidence in who God has created me to be. I know now that I can trust the passions and desires of my heart. I never thought that the person in my head that I imagined God sending me would really exist...yet here you are.
You have shown me that miracles do happen. What should have been a fluke blind date has transformed into something eternal. Things like that don't just happen to people. We are some of the few lucky ones. Out of all of the people we could have settled for and been content with, you are my "bullseye", someone who will be my best friend from now until we die.
You tell me how lucky you are. I am the lucky one. I see who you are, what is in your heart, and it is wonderful. Thank you so much for allowing me in and for giving me an opportunity to have the most amazing future I can imagine. I love you so much.
Love,
Your wife (3 ish days)
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Dear Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
In 10 days, I will be a wife. I will take on a new name, and begin a completely new phase in my life. Guess what? You are not a part of it.
I thought you were a special person. I thought that you thought the same of me. I thought that there would be no way that my life would move in this direction without you somewhere in the picture.
You know what? It's okay. The Caty that you know would probably be trying to nag, call, freak out on you, begging for answers. But I don't need that now. I've come to the conclusion that it was merely a season. If you ever stumble upon this post, you might think that it's about you...but at the same time, I hope that it never even occurs to you that you are Anonymous. Why would it? I find the idea of you piecing it together somewhat offensive. So don't worry. It's not about you.
This is me officially shutting the door. Not slamming it. Just gently moving onto a place where 10th chances don't exist.
-Caty
For the record, when I started writing this letter, I had one person in mind. When I finished it, I realized I was talking to someone else. Weird. Does that make me schizophrenic?
In 10 days, I will be a wife. I will take on a new name, and begin a completely new phase in my life. Guess what? You are not a part of it.
I thought you were a special person. I thought that you thought the same of me. I thought that there would be no way that my life would move in this direction without you somewhere in the picture.
You know what? It's okay. The Caty that you know would probably be trying to nag, call, freak out on you, begging for answers. But I don't need that now. I've come to the conclusion that it was merely a season. If you ever stumble upon this post, you might think that it's about you...but at the same time, I hope that it never even occurs to you that you are Anonymous. Why would it? I find the idea of you piecing it together somewhat offensive. So don't worry. It's not about you.
This is me officially shutting the door. Not slamming it. Just gently moving onto a place where 10th chances don't exist.
-Caty
For the record, when I started writing this letter, I had one person in mind. When I finished it, I realized I was talking to someone else. Weird. Does that make me schizophrenic?
Mrs. Dearing, Anxiety, and Earmuffs
I apologize to the 26 followers I have for being MIA lately. It has been crazy, what with moving, the end of school, and yes, planning a wedding. Since it is summer and my sleep schedule is absolutely whack, I'm going to spend some late night reflection time here with you, processing all of this stuff.
I am super excited about getting married. I cannot believe it is only in 10 days. I will no longer be a Skinner. I am surprisingly okay with that...I always thought it would be this huge "surrendering my identity" thing...but really, I feel like my personality, my crazies, everything that makes me a "Skinner" will not only stay intact, but be protected and encouraged by my future hubs. I look forward to being a married couple, to people not asking us anymore about how we like being engaged, and am just ready for normalcy! This year has been the absolute best year of my life, but we have encountered some real roller coasters. At least now, when things like anxiety hits, we don't have to go it alone. J, I love you and can't imagine any happier of a life than one spent with you. 10 days. Get excited.
Update on the anxiety...it's been interesting but things have been somewhat better. I've only had 3 panic attacks in about a 6 week span, which is a huge improvement. Lately anxiety has manifested itself in a LOT of stomach aches and issues that go with that. I also have hormones that think they are jumping beans. It's a wild ride in this head of mine! But I think that the rest of the summer will lend itself as an opportunity to wind down and really get some needed veg out time. I can still use any prayer that you want to throw my way, and I appreciate those of you who have really encouraged me through this yuckiness.
Lastly...I've taken a somewhat apathetic turn the past couple of weeks regarding my usual opinionated thoughts. I'm hoping it's a phase. I am doing the best I can to put my "earmuffs" on so to speak and just go about my business. I was all psyched up to write a post on gossip because I've been reading some Scripture about the power of words and was all sorts of fired up, but I really feel like God is just telling me to shut up at the moment. So consider this as me minding my own business and not adding my 2 cents in as of late.
10 days! Caty Dearing. Caty Dearing. Still not used to it.
I am super excited about getting married. I cannot believe it is only in 10 days. I will no longer be a Skinner. I am surprisingly okay with that...I always thought it would be this huge "surrendering my identity" thing...but really, I feel like my personality, my crazies, everything that makes me a "Skinner" will not only stay intact, but be protected and encouraged by my future hubs. I look forward to being a married couple, to people not asking us anymore about how we like being engaged, and am just ready for normalcy! This year has been the absolute best year of my life, but we have encountered some real roller coasters. At least now, when things like anxiety hits, we don't have to go it alone. J, I love you and can't imagine any happier of a life than one spent with you. 10 days. Get excited.
Update on the anxiety...it's been interesting but things have been somewhat better. I've only had 3 panic attacks in about a 6 week span, which is a huge improvement. Lately anxiety has manifested itself in a LOT of stomach aches and issues that go with that. I also have hormones that think they are jumping beans. It's a wild ride in this head of mine! But I think that the rest of the summer will lend itself as an opportunity to wind down and really get some needed veg out time. I can still use any prayer that you want to throw my way, and I appreciate those of you who have really encouraged me through this yuckiness.
Lastly...I've taken a somewhat apathetic turn the past couple of weeks regarding my usual opinionated thoughts. I'm hoping it's a phase. I am doing the best I can to put my "earmuffs" on so to speak and just go about my business. I was all psyched up to write a post on gossip because I've been reading some Scripture about the power of words and was all sorts of fired up, but I really feel like God is just telling me to shut up at the moment. So consider this as me minding my own business and not adding my 2 cents in as of late.
10 days! Caty Dearing. Caty Dearing. Still not used to it.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Battlefield
It feels weird to be blogging again. I had been doing so well and keeping up with everything, but this month has been, to say the least, interesting.
This morning I went to the 12 o' clock Easter service for our church. I intended to go to the 9, but I didn't hear my alarm and woke up at approximately 10:45. Sitting in the back, hoping that no one was noticing my thrown together outfit and unwashed hair, I sat and listened to Paul preach about what relational rescue truly is. As he was talking, something clicked in my heart and I knew he was preaching those words for me. He began to talk about what it means to keep God at the center of your life. Since I became I Christian, I have loved Jesus and really tried to live for Him. But something has shifted in the past year that has made it very difficult.
I fell in love.
God has blessed Justin and I with a relationship that rivals any I've ever seen...no offense, but we have something special. ;) I've never been able to rely on anyone in that way, and I am finally in a place that I trust him to take care of me. However, in doing so, I think that I have shifted most of my love and affection towards him away from God. Instead of just adding to it, I've replaced it. I feel very distant from God, even when I'm praying all the time and "trying" so hard to listen.
The sermon this morning talked about what life looks like with God in the center, and I realized that both Justin and I need to be better about doing this. I do not want to wake up one day and have both of us resent each other for being needy or dependent. I have to be able to stand on my own two feet, proclaiming and believing that God is enough for me, and that Justin is my gift, my added bonus.
I'm committing to start a new devotional, because as much as I used to study the Bible, I absolutely suck lately at committing to read chapters of it. I'm going to go through a Battlefield of the Mind devotional, and meditate on those Scriptures plus any other ones that God lays on my heart. Please pray for me that I will stick to this commitment and give my heart back to Jesus where it belongs. I need strength to fight Satan off, because he has slowly infiltrated my thoughts and my actions, and I'm sick of it, darnit!!!
On a side note, I am so ready for marriage. In my heart, we are already there. Thank you Lord for giving me someone to share life with forever.
This morning I went to the 12 o' clock Easter service for our church. I intended to go to the 9, but I didn't hear my alarm and woke up at approximately 10:45. Sitting in the back, hoping that no one was noticing my thrown together outfit and unwashed hair, I sat and listened to Paul preach about what relational rescue truly is. As he was talking, something clicked in my heart and I knew he was preaching those words for me. He began to talk about what it means to keep God at the center of your life. Since I became I Christian, I have loved Jesus and really tried to live for Him. But something has shifted in the past year that has made it very difficult.
I fell in love.
God has blessed Justin and I with a relationship that rivals any I've ever seen...no offense, but we have something special. ;) I've never been able to rely on anyone in that way, and I am finally in a place that I trust him to take care of me. However, in doing so, I think that I have shifted most of my love and affection towards him away from God. Instead of just adding to it, I've replaced it. I feel very distant from God, even when I'm praying all the time and "trying" so hard to listen.
The sermon this morning talked about what life looks like with God in the center, and I realized that both Justin and I need to be better about doing this. I do not want to wake up one day and have both of us resent each other for being needy or dependent. I have to be able to stand on my own two feet, proclaiming and believing that God is enough for me, and that Justin is my gift, my added bonus.
I'm committing to start a new devotional, because as much as I used to study the Bible, I absolutely suck lately at committing to read chapters of it. I'm going to go through a Battlefield of the Mind devotional, and meditate on those Scriptures plus any other ones that God lays on my heart. Please pray for me that I will stick to this commitment and give my heart back to Jesus where it belongs. I need strength to fight Satan off, because he has slowly infiltrated my thoughts and my actions, and I'm sick of it, darnit!!!
On a side note, I am so ready for marriage. In my heart, we are already there. Thank you Lord for giving me someone to share life with forever.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Crazies-revised
Since posting this afternoon, a miracle is happened.
I got pissed.
I'm done letting Satan steal my joy.
I'm finished letting him make me feel sorry for myself.
I'm done making excuses of why it's okay for me to feel depressed.
I'm over blaming it on my job, on my stress levels, on my medication...
In the name of Jesus, I am through with you, Satan.
Get the hell out of my life, and go to hell where you belong.
I got pissed.
I'm done letting Satan steal my joy.
I'm finished letting him make me feel sorry for myself.
I'm done making excuses of why it's okay for me to feel depressed.
I'm over blaming it on my job, on my stress levels, on my medication...
In the name of Jesus, I am through with you, Satan.
Get the hell out of my life, and go to hell where you belong.
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