Photography...Hobby, Passion, Career?

I've had the blessing of getting a new lens for our camera recently, as well as the opportunity to take a class. I've really enjoyed playing with different types of shots as well as photoshop techniques. My nieces were super sweet and let me take pictures of them on Monday. They turned out lovely. :)



I have told Justin that I would love an opportunity to do photography for a mission trip, preferably overseas. I don't know exactly how to make that happen...but if anyone in the bloggerverse has an idea, let me know!

Expect to see CatyDear Photography's website and blog up soon. Merry Christmas everyone!

Pre New Year's Resolutions

I've been thinking a lot lately about goals. How easily they are set, and how easily they are broken. I stopped making resolutions years ago because I never kept them. This year, however, I've changed my mind.

Justin is a goal setting machine right now. He is working out, eating right, and losing weight like crazy. It inspires me, and has made me think a lot about where I can improve myself. I think it is so important to keep being who you are and continue doing what you feel passionate about after marriage. I've allowed myself of 5 months of comatose, now it's time to get back in business. So, here are the things I'm thinking about that will help me be a better "me":

1. Fitness- I so dropped the ball on this one, when I could have really been in crazy good shape. I want to start running again, and eating right, and at least tone up. I need to stop worrying about the pounds and start making myself feel better.

2. Education- Right now I have 15 hours of graduate studies. I quit mid year last year because it was just too much. Now, I'm starting to crave the adult time, if I'm being honest. I'm going to start looking at money and try to take a class or two this summer to finish up my degree.

3. Art- Even though I've never been super artist, I enjoy doing creative things. Lately that has been taking pictures. I really want to pursue this and learn about all the different facets of photography. If anything comes of it, great. If not, it's fun.

4. Friends- I need to reconnect with my friends. I have been a major loser (see previous post) and I'd like to remedy that.

Those are my current thoughts. Enjoy.

What's in a friend?

As obvious by my lack of blog posts, the past 4-5 months have been so crazy busy. Married in June, school started in August...it just feels like I haven't had time for anything. Unfortunately, not having time has combined with this extreme desire to be anti-social. Maybe it's a newlywed thing, but any desire that I have to leave Mansfield, let alone the house, just doesn't exist. Which sucks, because most of the people I spent time with don't live in Mansfield. So I have had 2 choices: a) be a jerk and tell everyone to come to me, or b) not see my friends. Unfortunately I've chosen B by default. And it's starting to bite me in the butt.

I'm not sure if I am just a normal newlywed or a bad friend. It hasn't started to bother me until lately, when I see my friends all hanging out with each other and realizing that I'm starting to fade away. People are starting to know in advance that I probably won't come. I feel bad, but at the same time the thought of driving in city traffic during the week makes me want to cringe. Am I a horrible person??? I want my friendships to stay intact, but I also have to redefine what these look like now that I am married. For instance, some things that I would have spilled my guts about have to remain private. Why? Because it's not just my business anymore...it's both mine and Justin's. I have to be careful how much I share, because I can't compromise the confidentiality between husband and wife.

Justin seems to be untouched by the anti-social bug. He still hangs out with his guy friends, goes places, etc. I don't want to be creeper wife that doesn't have her own life, so I need to get my butt in gear! Any tips on how to break this lack of desire to put on jeans and walk out the door???

Stronger than Yesterday

Britney Spears sure had the right idea when she wrote that song. Even though it's about not needing a man, the premise sure seems nice: "I'm stronger than yesterday, now it's nothing but my way, my loneliness ain't killing me no more..." This attitude encompasses who I thought I was when I was single. I had to rely on God and on myself; I constantly lived in a "suck it up" mentality, giving off the heir that I didn't care what people thought, and that I could take on the world.
Lately, I've felt anything but strong. I used to think it's because now I finally have someone I can open myself up to, and that my emotions are making up for lost time. But defeat just seems to come so easily. I've become pretty pessimistic--not getting my hopes up because I can't handle disappointment.
With all of the craziness of me passing out last week and doctors trying to figure out what is wrong, I've run the emotional gamut. I've done my best to trust in God, to surrender my worries to Him, but I fear that I've failed somehow. I'm left with a ball of nerves, a disappointment in myself, and a longing to be stronger. I think about Kelley McElreath, how she looked cancer in the face and used every ounce of her journey as an opportunity to provide hope to cancer victims. I see my dad, how his job beats him up daily but he comes home with a smile on his face. I want to BE those people. Not a weeping puddle of self pity and anxiety.
How does one come to this point? What can I do to be stronger? I am afraid to pray for strength, because in my experience God gives you opportunities to be strong...and I really don't want yet another test of my strength.
Any advice? I think that Justin deserves a wife that can stand on her own two feet. Just saying.

Dear Little Dearing

Disclaimer: I am not pregnant. This is something that has just been on my heart a lot.

Dear Baby Dearing,

Right now, in this very moment, I want you to know something.

You. Are. SO. Loved.

As of today, you are only a distant thought. I have no idea when you will come to exist. I don't know if you will be a girl or a boy. I have no idea if you will look like me or like your dad. But I want you to know that I think about you all the time.

I wonder what kinds of things you will enjoy. Will you be a book nerd like me? A sports freak like your dad? I wonder if we will share a pint of ice cream or bake cookies together. I bet that you will be a better cook than me by oh, about age 6. I wonder about your personality. WIll you be chill, or high maintenance? Sorry, but your gene pool does have a SLIGHT bit of spaz in there. Fight it. ;) I hope that you are secure enough in yourself to be silly. Otherwise, you have a long road of your parents embarrassing you by dancing through the aisle of Target or randomly breaking out in song.

I also think about your heart. I hope that you are kind. In my mind, you are the person who is not only a great friend, but someone who shows compassion to others that need it. I hope that you come home from school and ask me how we can help that boy/girl who doesn't have any winter clothes. I also pray for your salvation. I pray that you get to know who Jesus is, that you realize how much He loves you, and that you love Him back. I pray you are a leader, not a follower. I pray that you set a good example, but that you are non judgmental.

I don't know your name, but I want you to know that right now, in this moment, your dad and I love you more than we even understand. Someday, and I don't know when, we will come face to face for the first time.

I can't wait. :)

Love,
Mom

Wow. Hello, dusty old blog. I have not written anything in months. Well, to fill you in, I've been busy getting married, honeymooning in Antigua, training a new puppy, starting school, and dealing with school craziness. The icing on the cake has been living under the same roof with my amazing husband. He is my biggest fan, and vice versa. Love him.

So, I'm not going to make this long, but I would like to pose a question to my followers, if you are still listening. Earlier in the year I was having crazy panic attacks. I was an emotional wreck. I finally listened to some friends and decided to try some mild anti anxiety pills. Well, after the wedding and into the summer I was doing great. Even right before school, I wasn't stressing. My prescription ran out and I didn't refill it because it is so expensive, and I thought that maybe it was all wedding stuff.

Now, two weeks into school, I feel like I'm on the verge of crying all of the time, I feel defeated at the end of the day for no reason, and I am just having a hard time. Do you think it is just first of school blues, or should I refill the billion dollar bottle?

Dear Husband

Dear Husband,

I can't believe that as I write this letter, our wedding is in 3(ish) days. I cannot tell you how many times I have written letters over the years to "my future husband," with such a looming anonymity that I thought would never fully become a reality. Yet here we are.

I am changed because of you. You have helped me believe in love. You have showed me how to trust in people, how to completely let go of my pride and insecurity and just be myself, good, bad, and ugly. You have also shown me what it feels like to be loved and accepted despite all three of those things.

You have given me confidence in who God has created me to be. I know now that I can trust the passions and desires of my heart. I never thought that the person in my head that I imagined God sending me would really exist...yet here you are.

You have shown me that miracles do happen. What should have been a fluke blind date has transformed into something eternal. Things like that don't just happen to people. We are some of the few lucky ones. Out of all of the people we could have settled for and been content with, you are my "bullseye", someone who will be my best friend from now until we die.

You tell me how lucky you are. I am the lucky one. I see who you are, what is in your heart, and it is wonderful. Thank you so much for allowing me in and for giving me an opportunity to have the most amazing future I can imagine. I love you so much.

Love,
Your wife (3 ish days)