The Crazies

Sometimes I wonder how much babies can understand in their heads. Do they get frustrated when they are hungry and we don't know how to decipher their cries? Are they sitting there thinking "I'M HUNGRY, STUPID!!!" When we start talking baby talk, do they do a mental eye roll on occasion? Is it this frustration that drives them to mastery of language?

I feel like a baby lately. So much has happened since January and it's hard to even know where to begin processing. However, no matter how much I try to talk it out, how much I write, how much I cry, I can't communicate fully how I feel. I can come across as a pansy, a Negative Nancy, or just a jerk. But what I feel is a bad case of crazy.

No matter how much time I have off, I constantly am having panic attacks where I can't breathe and am hysterical. My chest tightens up and I can't get control of myself. I'm crying all the time. I'm feeling like I'm treading water, that I can't ever get control of my emotions and that I'm burdening everyone by not being normal. I'm so tired all the time.

This week I've hit a new phase...pulling away. I'm tired of being the beat down, so it's easier to just not go there, to not see people, to not rehash for what feels like the billionth time that I'm struggling. No, I don't know why. No, I don't know what I'm so worried or anxious about. I am still thinking rational thoughts when my body starts rebelling against me. So instead, I've found myself becoming distant with everyone lately.

I'm not really looking for a response, just wanting an outlet and a disclaimer. Yes, I'm aware. No, I don't understand it. Yes, I'm sorry that I've not been there for a lot of people. I'm trying to trust in God's sovereignty and the peace that passes understanding. I'm praying for it.