Reaching My LImit

There is really no cutesy way to begin this post. I'm not writing to discuss a point or explore a thought or issue...I'm writing in order to find some kind of catharsis, some point of calm in the madness. I know "Get Real Monday" has already come and gone, but today I've reached my maximum capacity and I feel like I'm going to internally combust. Not out of anger, but just out of sheer lack of ability to deal. I am going to have to filter a little bit, of course, but here's the general gist.
If you are a blog stalker and have read some of my posts from last year, then you know my story. You know what I've struggled with and how far God has brought me, and my "elevated Ebenezers," the reason for my blog title, that I reflect on regarding how God has been faithful to me. He has taken me out of my lowest point and given me a future and a hope, a joy that only He can provide. Right now, I am in the happiest possible season of my life. Satan, the enemy, comes to "steal, kill and destroy" and the more blessings I notice in my life, the more I see Satan attacking my heart and trying to steal my joy. It sucks.
In the past couple of months, things have been stacking up emotionally for me. There's family stuff, social stuff, work stuff (all of which are very generalized for a purpose). I am so physically down on myself and how I look, but my mind will not cooperate with my body enough to make a serious change. Then let's add some sexual tension in the mix (yeah, I said it) and it's just enough to send all of these emotions spilling out. I go from seeming very easygoing and fun to a freaking weeping willow who seriously can't get control of herself.
I'm a control freak. And in each area of life that is hurting, I have zero control. I feel so helpless and weak. I feel as though I've let God down by not going to Him. I feel like I'm letting Justin down by not being stronger, even though I know that's stupid. Tonight in the midst of a slightly emotional conversation the floodgates just burst forth, and I still have not regained full control of my tearducts. This was an hour ago. My eyes are so swollen. Because I have no choice but to compartmentalize my life, and I honestly don't have time to clean out the cabinets in my kitchen, let alone my heart.
I'm reminded of a verse in Psalms, "I lift my eyes up to the hills. Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth." I've honestly forgotten how to ask. I've forgotten how to listen. and I've forgotten how to receive. In 3 days, Thanksgiving break will be here. I will be able to allow myself to begin the process of digging through and healing from some of this baggage. Please pray that I can surrender my whole heart to Christ and that I can gain a sense of peace in all of this madness. As far as Satan goes? He can go straight back to hell where he came from.

With a Thankful Heart

I have been keeping track of people's various "thankfuls" on Facebook this month. This is probably the first year that I haven't done my own, and sadly it's because I forgot until I saw all of the other ones on Facebook and I hate being the one to jump onto the bandwagon. But I do need to articulate how truly grateful I am. There are no words to express how happy and full my heart feels, so I'll let some pictures describe it for you:







Yes, I am engaged. Looking back on some of my posts from a year ago, it's surreal to see how God has blessed me. I remember my first date with Justin. I was so nervous. I did not know how to handle it when he texted me before I even got home wanting to hang out again. You know that feeling where you are just waiting for the catch? That was me. Now, here I stand, engaged to the most wonderful, character-filled, kindhearted man that I know.

In church last Sunday, I looked over at my fiance during worship time and watched him sing to God. In that moment, I felt so blessed. Who am I to deserve to have what I have? In the past year, God has given me a partner in life, a new family, a fantastic job and closer relationships to people I love. It's overwhelming to know that my future is so bright. I can trust Justin to be the leader in our family, and I know that my kids will be raised to love Jesus because their parents have committed to do so forever.

Anyway, again, words can't express my gratitude this year. Probably the most meaningful Thanksgiving to me so far in life.

A Doozy of a Day

I have not blogged in over a month. That alone should tell you how life has been lately. Things have been a whirlwind! I am now engaged to a wonderful man, which I will dedicate an entire post to AS SOON AS MY FIANCE LOADS THE ENGAGEMENT PICTURES...cough cough!!! But for now, I'm going to blab a bit about my job.

Coming from teaching high school as well as Success, I NEVER could have imagined the work load of teaching elementary. When I taught 11th grade, I had a definite rhythm down by this time in the semester. I walked into school familiar with my curriculum and fairly confident of what I was doing. Granted, I HATED the discipline issues...hence, why I don't teach high school anymore. But I had my modifications down, my alternate assignments, etc.

Now, I am finishing the 10th week of school, and just had probably the worst day I've had all year. Something happened today that basically felt like the straw breaking my back. Everything that I had going that felt slightly "rhythmic" is changing and my 3rd grade world is turned upside down. I am going to have to start staying late again for a while, going back to the basics of planning everything one day at a time. Tonight, I would love to be looking at/working on wedding stuff. But I'm sitting here all tensed up, worried about tomorrow. I've gone from thinking I know what to expect, to not having a clue.

I also feel a good cry accumulating. I cry a lot more now that I have a teaching job...bless Justin's heart. I used to think I was super tough and didn't cry EVER, but I was very wrong. Now, it will start storing up and just break out at random times. I have the emotions of a pregnant woman (don't worry guys, that's a non-issue). It's annoying. I'm a control freak and would like to feel that I at least have control of myself.

I find myself not even praying about the situation. Honestly, the first thing I wanted to do when I got out of school today was find somewhere with super strong margaritas (which I didn't get to do because of Math Night at our school), not take all of this to the Lord in prayer. I don't even know what to say. I feel stupid. I feel inadequate. I feel like I should be able to handle 8 year olds without letting their behavior and lives affect me so.

Please say a little prayer for me, that I can still show love, light, and truth to these little ones, that I can have never ending patience, and that a sense of peace and calm would instill itself over my classroom.

And that I don't lose my mind. ;)

Friday Five

1. Scarves bring me a type of joy that not many people can understand. Now that it is fall, I will wear them regardless of the temperature. All colors. I also am excited that I can bring my purple leather jacket out of retirement soon. It's the little things that make me happy.

2. There is absolutely no way for me to finish a day in my 3rd grade classroom without having said at least once, "SERIOUSLY????"

3. Sundays are my absolute favorite days ever. Especially this Sunday. I get to sing at church, go watch my man play baseball at LAGRAVE FIELD like a BOSS, and get to go to what will end up being my favorite community group ever: "Before It Hits the Fan." WIN.

4. I feel like I perpetually have other things on my mind than what I should be thinking about. I'm distracted by things that I'm looking forward to rather than things that are at hand. The older I get, the more I'm convinced that I have ADD.....SQUIRREL!

5. I am in love with the most wonderful man I've ever met.

Selfishness and the Church

The dialogue/debate long occurring between established traditional churches and what many refer to as the "emergent church movement" continues to turn heads and raise many questions regarding not only Christian worship, but Christianity itself. Many of you know that my experience in church extends to both. I grew up Southern Baptist, went to a Baptist university, and now attend a non-denominational church that meets in a middle school. I am always attentive to news and comments regarding not only the differences and conversations between the two, but the global commentary on Christianity as a whole.

I have been awake since 2:30 am due to stupid fever, sore throat, chills, and achy disgustingness. So of course, what better to do than Twitter/Facebook stalk? Creepy, yet always a good time. I read a string of tweets from a friend of a friend this morning that spurred my thoughts a bit. This guy is not a believer, but I definitely agree with his over-all world view. The question that prompted in my mind is this: what is it, specifically, that causes some Christians to act the way that they do, thus causing an overall negative perception of the religion in the eyes of the public?

I've blogged about the whole legalism thing for what seems like forever. My soapbox still stands there. However, in listening to the series preached this past month by my pastor, I've tried to look at issues as the stem directly from the heart. Legalism and hatred are deeply rooted somewhere; they do not just appear out of nowhere. And what I believe causes idiocy in the faith is direct selfishness.

I believe that, in any kind of organized religion, there is a sense of pride in which you know in your heart of hearts that your beliefs are correct. You believe, without a shadow of a doubt, that your way is the only way, and depending on what you believe about eternity, there is a sense of urgency in which you try to convince everyone else to believe the same thing. It is because of this that Christians get offended when people argue with them, contradict them, debate them, and slander them. We quote Scripture at those who do not hold the same vantage point we do, and expect them to suddenly see "the light" and join our ranks.

The problem with this? We are more concerned with being right than actually living out our faith.

The entire point of Christ's sacrifice was not for organized religion. It was not for self-righteousness, or for the disciples to say "I told you so!" to the Pharisees. The way in which the Bible was written displays, instead, an attempt at relatability, a desire to make the knowledge and receiving of Christ's love accessible to Jews, Gentiles, anyone who wants the gift. The Gospels are written for varying audiences for this very purpose: so that ALL may know Him.

Is Jesus concerned with being right? Does He cringe when one church tries to worship with an electric guitar and a drum kit instead of a piano? Is He appalled when a Muslim walks through the door in order to simply gather information, or when a homosexual expects to be treated with integrity within the walls of the church? Absolutely not.

I think that we all need to take a good look at the basics. Our world is in crisis. Do I have to agree with everything that everyone says in order to be "tolerant"? Nope. I'm not a robot. I have beliefs, and I have opinions. But the idea of toleration is something that other religions do far better than Christianity. If anyone can show me the good of taking the beautiful words and actions of Jesus and using them for my own political agenda, or to prove a point, please tell me. Because from where I stand, pointing my finger at the wrongs of the world doesn't change anything.

My vision is that we all step down from our soapboxes and get our hands dirty. I want to work alongside people of different beliefs, in a setting in which we respect and appreciate each other as people, regardless of religious differences. I feel that, if Christians could put pride and selfishness aside, we might at least gain the respect of people who don't believe. And for me, that is good enough for now. I know that when I have been hurt by someone, that pain does not go away in the moment in which that person stops acting a fool. Similarly, it takes time for a view point to change. What if we partnered with organizations centered on showing compassion to the world, instead of questioning celebrity charity motives? What if my friends where (gasp) not just Christians? For me personally, that is how I gauge myself. Because I know that I am a human, I sin, and as much as I hate it, selfishness is present in my life. But I know that if I look at my friend pool, and see a variety of beliefs, colors, and walks of life, that I've at least gained the respect of those people as a person.

Do I fall into the category of people who think their way is the "right" way? Sure I do. I believe with all of my heart that Jesus is more than just a man, and that His love has saved me from the darkness that lurks inside my heart. I should not, and do not, feel that I need to apologize for that. I enjoy the right to be heard. But I'm not the only one who has that right.

Let's practice hearing others, caring about who they are instead of what they are labeled. Let's attempt to live out what we believe, rather than proclaiming it from a pulpit. Let's be unapologetic about our faith, but at the same time recognize that faith does not make us "better" or "worse" people; rather, that we are all equal on this earth and it's our job to do what we can to make that life as livable as possible. I believe that the fruits of this labor could in fact begin a change that could shift the worldview of Christianity as a whole, for the better.

My Personal Prayer Requests

I tend to hold out when it comes to allowing people to pray for me. However, sitting here thinking about all of the things I need to do, I'm overwhelmed and am refusing to be stubborn here. So...if you get the urge to say a few little words directed toward heaven, here are some things I'd really appreciate being lifted up for:

1. Memory retention. Not only am I in graduate school while teaching, but I also am taking the ESL test in a month to add that on to my certification. I have to have it by December and was too busy this summer to take it, so this is my only shot. I need to be able to study for class and remember all of that information, but also study for the ESL test as well as prepping for teaching every day.

2. Personal/Spiritual growth. I tend to put all of that stuff on the back burner while I handle whatever life throws at me. But now that I have another person who is affected by anything going on with me, I feel the need to make it a priority. I want to continue on the path of growing more like Christ, of being less dependent on myself and more dependent on Him to meet my needs. I desire to trust God implicitly with my heart and my life. Including the forgiveness stuff I blogged about earlier.

3. A spirit of calm. I get stressed/overwhelmed easily. Over stupid things. Sometimes it keeps me from sleeping and causes me to panic. This is dumb. I want to get over it. So I'm asking for prayer in that regard as well.

4. My future status as a wife and mom. I find myself daydreaming about those roles a lot lately. I don't know when either of those things will come to pass, but now is a great time to start practicing good things to help me be the best wife and mom that I can be. I've read the book called the Love Dare before, and I want to start putting some of those things into practice with Justin. Trying to show him that I love him in a new way everyday...nothing elaborate, just little things.

I'm pretty sure this encompasses everything right now. If you don't have time, then no worries. But I will accept any and all help in these areas I can get!

Junk in Your Trunk: To Forgive or Not to Forgive?

The latest series being preached at TCAL is called "U-Haul: Cleaning out the Junk in Your Trunk." Needless to say, it's been a repeated toe-stepping fest. Yesterday, Paul preached on forgiveness. I don't usually think of myself as a grudge-holder. However, it was brought to my attention that there are a lot of people that I'm angry with by default. People who have hurt my loved ones, people that have messed with the lives of people who are important to me. I also tend to blow off the hurts that I receive on a consistent basis, because I don't exactly know how to forgive someone who is still causing me pain.
It's strange to me that I struggle with this, because I've had some positive experiences with forgiveness, one pretty difficult one in particular. So it's not the most fun realization to discover that I still need some major work in forgiving others. I told a friend that I think the easiest way to do this is to make a specific list, not only of who I need to forgive, but of what they have done. Not fun. I repeat...NOT FUN. Not looking forward to it. But it's important to be able to forgive in order to enjoy God's best for me as well as the blessings He's already put in my life...which are so numerous I can't even count.
Not sure why I felt the need to post about it...but I guess it helps to have some accountability in that direction!