2010 "Wrap Up"- White Christmas lessons

One of my favorite movies of all time, and definitely my favorite Christmas movie, is the film White Christmas starring Bing Crosby and Rosemary Clooney. Every year, we watch it as a family at my mom's house on Christmas Eve, and have even performed musical numbers from it:


White Christmas movie poster:


About midway through the film, Bing and Rosemary sing a duet called "Counting Your Blessings." The message of this song has really stuck with me this holiday season. For some reason, I haven't felt the oober giddiness that I usually feel around Christmas time. I haven't felt the need to go out and buy new Christmas decorations, or go light looking EVERY night, or buy 4 Christmas albums (I only bought 1 this year)...I've just been going with the flow. It was kind of bothering me a bit. Here I am, known to my friends as the Spirit of Christmas Cheer, and I'm acting more like the Grinch or something. But it dawned on me the other day at Salvation Army why that's the case.

Justin and I went with some people from Ben Barber to the Salvation Army warehouse to help give the Angel Tree presents to the families. Justin got stuck on parking duty, and my job was to take the numbered form from the family, roll my shopping cart to the box that matched the number, and get the presents from the box to the tables for the families to "check out." However, there were more than a couple of boxes:




We were there for a little over 3 hours helping out. There were families there serving with their kids, and people just by themselves wanting to help out. I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed at just how blessed I am in this season of my life.

This year has been an absolute whirlwind. I went from single and jobless last year to engaged and loving my job. I have had resolution in some major conflict, I've made some amazing friendships, and I've gained an entire family of more people who love me. There is no way to put into words what I feel that I owe God. And the crazy part is is that He doesn't ask for anything in return...such is grace. In Christmases past, I think that I've been so "Christmasy" in order to compensate for some of the uncertainty and loneliness I've felt. But this year, I feel extremely content and at peace. I feel like I can appreciate the reason for the season, which is Jesus.

If you are tired of the commercialism of Christmas, or are discouraged in any way, I challenge you to count your blessings tonight before you go to sleep. I'm saying a prayer for you as I type, that you will be able to experience the magic of love and togetherness this Christmas, wherever you are. :)

Dexterific or Dexaster? Thoughts on the Season 5 FInale

If you are an individual who spends a significant amount of time with me, you probably are aware of a few things. 1) Sometimes I try out Harry Potter spells to see if they work, especially if I don't want to get out of bed to turn the light off. 2) My goal in social encounters is for people to have no idea that I'm as much of a prude as I really am, and 3) I have not only an obsession, but an emotional attachment to the Showtime series Dexter, a crime drama highlighting a serial killer as a dark type of anti-hero, morally thinning the population one kill table at a time.




Maybe it's Dexter's constant struggle of right vs. wrong, perhaps it's some kind of twisted violent voyeurism, or maybe I just like getting into Dexter's head...but this show has been my favorite television series since its first season in 2006. I was watching the moment when Dexter remembered his mother's murder, as well as when he discovered his long lost brother, "Biney." My dad and I used to watch it together every Sunday after I graduated from college and moved back to Mansfield. This year, I watched alongside my fiance, who became a fan of the show when Season 3 was rolling. Tonight, we left small group feeling extremely angsty, rushing back to the house in order to get comfy and watch what I expected to be an EPIC end to Season 5. As the credits rolled, however, I looked over at my Media Hero and said one word: "LAME."

Immediately upon putting my opinion out into cyberspace, I think I was placed into the category of "Lumen-hater." I feel the need to explain myself, maybe even backtrack a little into Season 4 in order to explain my feelings about the end of the season...simply because I don't like being misunderstood. Sure, if we were going to go all Twilight up in this hizzy, I'd be Team Rita over Team Lumen, hands down. I loved what Rita did for him, and I love the life that Dexter could have had, and indeed wanted. Having watched his transformation and his love for his wife grow over the years, it horrified me to see Rita sitting in a bathtub of blood this time last year. EVEN SO....though I cry EVERY time I watch that episode (ask Justin), I was blown away by the amount of possibilities that presented itself with her death.



I spent the summer discussing with different people all of the directions that the show could take, but the one constant consensus I found was that the show could not last more than a couple more seasons. Dexter has been cutting it close over and over and over, and it's becoming less and less believable that he can once again get away. As Season 5 began, I felt that this was the direction it was going.

As much as I love Rita, I have actually enjoyed Lumen this season. I think that she filled a very necessary void in Dexter's life, and they helped each other become whole again. That said, I went into this episode praying that she wouldn't die. Not so much out of me liking her, but I can't imagine what that would do to Dexter. And here is where I'll start hammering out my dislikes for the episode. There were many scenarios in which Lumen could live and the show would still maintain some kind of suspense. Lumen could have taken the fall. Someone could have found Liddy's pictures at the end. Etc. Etc. But no...here they have this beautifully preserved relationship, one that obviously has people invested in it, and they end it just as swiftly as it began. The entire process of Dexter learning to trust again, to share...it's gone just as swiftly as it came. What annoys me is that it took about 2 minutes to dismantle. "Hey there Dexter, you have spent months helping me track down my rapists and kill all of the men that tortured me...and that's really great and all, but I'm kind of over that. I don't want to kill people any more, and you do...so this isn't going to work out, mmmmmkkkkbye." Yes, I know it was much sweeter than that, but the sweetness of the moment was lost to me in what I feel was a huge scripting mistake. Each season is starting to feel like a pattern. Some new person, whether it be villain or lover, is introduced, they are featured all season, and in the end they die or disappear. If this is what is going to be happening, then why do I even bother getting into the show? If the producers are going to just tie a pink bow on everything, then what's the point of creating that suspense up?

I use the pink bow analogy because I think that, overall, everything wrapped up way too neatly. This episode had so many possibilities: Quinn going down for Liddy's murder and spending next season hashing it out with Dexter, and all the drama that goes with that. Deb finding the pictures of Dex and Lumen and starting to put the puzzle pieces together. Dexter and Lumen teaming up as some kind of dynamic duo...but all of the crazy plot lines that had me on the edge of my seat were summed up in a neat little 10 minutes. Deb lets the vigilantes go (which I actually don't mind too much), Lumen decides she's done killing and is gone forever, Batista and La Guerta are suddenly married and happy again, Dexter returns Deb's favor and fudges Quinn's bloodwork, suddenly Quinn doesn't hate Dexter anymore, and oh, Harrison is one and Astor and Cody are coming back for the summer, and OH MY GOSH IT'S A DOUBLE RAINBOW ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE SKY, WHAT DOES THIS MEAN??????? .......ugh........



I understand that anything would have paled in comparison with last season's finale. But there could have been something, anything, to leave me on the edge of my seat for next season. But now the Dexter peeps have given themselves the freedom to basically start from scratch...again. I am going to watch the ep a couple more times, and I'm hoping I'll be able to edit some of this blog. But right now, I'm pretty darn disappointed.

Things that are Bad Ideas....

1. Planning anything involving Dallas traffic on a weekday
2. Eating 3 Thanksgiving meals the week before your engagement pictures
3. Budgeting so tightly to buy new vehicle/Christmas presents that you have nothing left over for new clothes for said engagement pictures
4. Planning appointments directly after school three days in a row so that no grading whatsover gets done
5. Leaving your school bag in your fiance's truck
6. Doing 4 loads of laundry with the hopes that you will fold it during the week...thus resulting in a HUGE pile of clean clothes on the side of the bed you don't sleep on
7. Looking at pictures of you in an outfit you could have sworn you looked great in and noticing that your arms resemble a massive boa constrictor
8. After attempting #7, trying to put together engagement outfits that make your arms seem less gargantuan and realizing it's a futile attempt at best
9. Complaining about fatty feelings on Facebook
10. Writing a blog about why you are being a waaah waaah baby

Reaching My LImit

There is really no cutesy way to begin this post. I'm not writing to discuss a point or explore a thought or issue...I'm writing in order to find some kind of catharsis, some point of calm in the madness. I know "Get Real Monday" has already come and gone, but today I've reached my maximum capacity and I feel like I'm going to internally combust. Not out of anger, but just out of sheer lack of ability to deal. I am going to have to filter a little bit, of course, but here's the general gist.
If you are a blog stalker and have read some of my posts from last year, then you know my story. You know what I've struggled with and how far God has brought me, and my "elevated Ebenezers," the reason for my blog title, that I reflect on regarding how God has been faithful to me. He has taken me out of my lowest point and given me a future and a hope, a joy that only He can provide. Right now, I am in the happiest possible season of my life. Satan, the enemy, comes to "steal, kill and destroy" and the more blessings I notice in my life, the more I see Satan attacking my heart and trying to steal my joy. It sucks.
In the past couple of months, things have been stacking up emotionally for me. There's family stuff, social stuff, work stuff (all of which are very generalized for a purpose). I am so physically down on myself and how I look, but my mind will not cooperate with my body enough to make a serious change. Then let's add some sexual tension in the mix (yeah, I said it) and it's just enough to send all of these emotions spilling out. I go from seeming very easygoing and fun to a freaking weeping willow who seriously can't get control of herself.
I'm a control freak. And in each area of life that is hurting, I have zero control. I feel so helpless and weak. I feel as though I've let God down by not going to Him. I feel like I'm letting Justin down by not being stronger, even though I know that's stupid. Tonight in the midst of a slightly emotional conversation the floodgates just burst forth, and I still have not regained full control of my tearducts. This was an hour ago. My eyes are so swollen. Because I have no choice but to compartmentalize my life, and I honestly don't have time to clean out the cabinets in my kitchen, let alone my heart.
I'm reminded of a verse in Psalms, "I lift my eyes up to the hills. Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth." I've honestly forgotten how to ask. I've forgotten how to listen. and I've forgotten how to receive. In 3 days, Thanksgiving break will be here. I will be able to allow myself to begin the process of digging through and healing from some of this baggage. Please pray that I can surrender my whole heart to Christ and that I can gain a sense of peace in all of this madness. As far as Satan goes? He can go straight back to hell where he came from.

With a Thankful Heart

I have been keeping track of people's various "thankfuls" on Facebook this month. This is probably the first year that I haven't done my own, and sadly it's because I forgot until I saw all of the other ones on Facebook and I hate being the one to jump onto the bandwagon. But I do need to articulate how truly grateful I am. There are no words to express how happy and full my heart feels, so I'll let some pictures describe it for you:







Yes, I am engaged. Looking back on some of my posts from a year ago, it's surreal to see how God has blessed me. I remember my first date with Justin. I was so nervous. I did not know how to handle it when he texted me before I even got home wanting to hang out again. You know that feeling where you are just waiting for the catch? That was me. Now, here I stand, engaged to the most wonderful, character-filled, kindhearted man that I know.

In church last Sunday, I looked over at my fiance during worship time and watched him sing to God. In that moment, I felt so blessed. Who am I to deserve to have what I have? In the past year, God has given me a partner in life, a new family, a fantastic job and closer relationships to people I love. It's overwhelming to know that my future is so bright. I can trust Justin to be the leader in our family, and I know that my kids will be raised to love Jesus because their parents have committed to do so forever.

Anyway, again, words can't express my gratitude this year. Probably the most meaningful Thanksgiving to me so far in life.

A Doozy of a Day

I have not blogged in over a month. That alone should tell you how life has been lately. Things have been a whirlwind! I am now engaged to a wonderful man, which I will dedicate an entire post to AS SOON AS MY FIANCE LOADS THE ENGAGEMENT PICTURES...cough cough!!! But for now, I'm going to blab a bit about my job.

Coming from teaching high school as well as Success, I NEVER could have imagined the work load of teaching elementary. When I taught 11th grade, I had a definite rhythm down by this time in the semester. I walked into school familiar with my curriculum and fairly confident of what I was doing. Granted, I HATED the discipline issues...hence, why I don't teach high school anymore. But I had my modifications down, my alternate assignments, etc.

Now, I am finishing the 10th week of school, and just had probably the worst day I've had all year. Something happened today that basically felt like the straw breaking my back. Everything that I had going that felt slightly "rhythmic" is changing and my 3rd grade world is turned upside down. I am going to have to start staying late again for a while, going back to the basics of planning everything one day at a time. Tonight, I would love to be looking at/working on wedding stuff. But I'm sitting here all tensed up, worried about tomorrow. I've gone from thinking I know what to expect, to not having a clue.

I also feel a good cry accumulating. I cry a lot more now that I have a teaching job...bless Justin's heart. I used to think I was super tough and didn't cry EVER, but I was very wrong. Now, it will start storing up and just break out at random times. I have the emotions of a pregnant woman (don't worry guys, that's a non-issue). It's annoying. I'm a control freak and would like to feel that I at least have control of myself.

I find myself not even praying about the situation. Honestly, the first thing I wanted to do when I got out of school today was find somewhere with super strong margaritas (which I didn't get to do because of Math Night at our school), not take all of this to the Lord in prayer. I don't even know what to say. I feel stupid. I feel inadequate. I feel like I should be able to handle 8 year olds without letting their behavior and lives affect me so.

Please say a little prayer for me, that I can still show love, light, and truth to these little ones, that I can have never ending patience, and that a sense of peace and calm would instill itself over my classroom.

And that I don't lose my mind. ;)

Friday Five

1. Scarves bring me a type of joy that not many people can understand. Now that it is fall, I will wear them regardless of the temperature. All colors. I also am excited that I can bring my purple leather jacket out of retirement soon. It's the little things that make me happy.

2. There is absolutely no way for me to finish a day in my 3rd grade classroom without having said at least once, "SERIOUSLY????"

3. Sundays are my absolute favorite days ever. Especially this Sunday. I get to sing at church, go watch my man play baseball at LAGRAVE FIELD like a BOSS, and get to go to what will end up being my favorite community group ever: "Before It Hits the Fan." WIN.

4. I feel like I perpetually have other things on my mind than what I should be thinking about. I'm distracted by things that I'm looking forward to rather than things that are at hand. The older I get, the more I'm convinced that I have ADD.....SQUIRREL!

5. I am in love with the most wonderful man I've ever met.