Sometimes I wonder how much babies can understand in their heads. Do they get frustrated when they are hungry and we don't know how to decipher their cries? Are they sitting there thinking "I'M HUNGRY, STUPID!!!" When we start talking baby talk, do they do a mental eye roll on occasion? Is it this frustration that drives them to mastery of language?
I feel like a baby lately. So much has happened since January and it's hard to even know where to begin processing. However, no matter how much I try to talk it out, how much I write, how much I cry, I can't communicate fully how I feel. I can come across as a pansy, a Negative Nancy, or just a jerk. But what I feel is a bad case of crazy.
No matter how much time I have off, I constantly am having panic attacks where I can't breathe and am hysterical. My chest tightens up and I can't get control of myself. I'm crying all the time. I'm feeling like I'm treading water, that I can't ever get control of my emotions and that I'm burdening everyone by not being normal. I'm so tired all the time.
This week I've hit a new phase...pulling away. I'm tired of being the beat down, so it's easier to just not go there, to not see people, to not rehash for what feels like the billionth time that I'm struggling. No, I don't know why. No, I don't know what I'm so worried or anxious about. I am still thinking rational thoughts when my body starts rebelling against me. So instead, I've found myself becoming distant with everyone lately.
I'm not really looking for a response, just wanting an outlet and a disclaimer. Yes, I'm aware. No, I don't understand it. Yes, I'm sorry that I've not been there for a lot of people. I'm trying to trust in God's sovereignty and the peace that passes understanding. I'm praying for it.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Emotional Promiscuity
Society tends to divide a person's sexual experiences into extremes. We are weighed, measured, and heaped into one of two categories, first of which is the "prude." For a woman, this usually is associated with virginity, but it can become so much more than that. For some reason, being disassociated with sex before marriage has such a negative connotation. There's "something wrong" with her, they whisper. However, the other extreme is frowned upon just as much, if only by other audiences. This woman is the "slut." Sleeps with whomever, shows her stuff, makes dirty jokes. All women seem to fall into one of these categories. One never really gossips about the girl who "has some sex, she probably likes it when she has it, only with serious relationships..." It's always either ripping a girl to shreds because of her lack of bumping and grinding, or looking with disgust as we imagine Jane Doe humping an entire army of men without blinking an eye. Sex has so much to do with how we think, how we interact with others. It's one of the main ways that we size each other up, and often how we judge others (albeit wrong to do so). 21st century culture is immersed in sexual under(and over)tones, which leads me to my thought bubble of the day; does promiscuity stretch beyond the bedroom?
Promiscuity is characterized as casual, indiscriminate. When we use the word, we are referring to the act of having casual sex with no real boundaries, rules, or moral code. Timbaland seeks the affections of the "Promiscuous Girl" in da club, knowing that if he's wanting to get some, she is the one putting out. I have seen this attitude destroy such lovely people. Somewhere in the mix of it all, it seems that self-worth becomes lost in translation and is replaced with a sense of indifference. Here me when I say that I'm not trying to be judgmental and say that because I have chosen the path of the "prude" that I think I am somehow more superior and knowledgeable about life. Quite the opposite, actually. Whereas I am not promiscuous in my sex life, I do tend to display a type of emotional looseness in my day to day life.
Lately, I've noticed that my emotions are ALL OVER THE PLACE. Like, crazy lady style. I feel anxious, excited, sad, nervous, hopeful, grateful, afraid, worried, angry...all at once. I pride myself in thinking that I am a genuine and real person; that if someone asks me how my day is going, and it absolutely sucks, I will be the last to say "Oh, hunky dorey, couldn't be better!" Instead I'll briefly explain that it's not my favorite day, but I'll survive. Honesty is good, right??? However, I feel that lately I've kind of lost control. To anyone that asks, I'll spew forth a fountain of feelings. I'll shed some tears. I'll get fired up and talk more loudly than I should. I'll laugh uncontrollably. It's an emotional overdose.
I approach relationships in the same way. I realized last weekend through some unfortunate events that I put waaaaay too much of myself into all facets of my life: my students, my acquaintances, even people who I don't know well at all. I allow myself to be not just hurt, but brutally wounded simply because of my stray emotions.
It's casual. It's random. It's done without a thought or care in the world. I'm an emotional slut.
Can one go backwards here? If we are talking sex, there is no way to return to the virginal disposition once established as a fallen woman. I've been whoring out my feelings for so long...can I go back to containing them like normal?
Just some late night thoughts from a very tired (and very sore) girl.
Promiscuity is characterized as casual, indiscriminate. When we use the word, we are referring to the act of having casual sex with no real boundaries, rules, or moral code. Timbaland seeks the affections of the "Promiscuous Girl" in da club, knowing that if he's wanting to get some, she is the one putting out. I have seen this attitude destroy such lovely people. Somewhere in the mix of it all, it seems that self-worth becomes lost in translation and is replaced with a sense of indifference. Here me when I say that I'm not trying to be judgmental and say that because I have chosen the path of the "prude" that I think I am somehow more superior and knowledgeable about life. Quite the opposite, actually. Whereas I am not promiscuous in my sex life, I do tend to display a type of emotional looseness in my day to day life.
Lately, I've noticed that my emotions are ALL OVER THE PLACE. Like, crazy lady style. I feel anxious, excited, sad, nervous, hopeful, grateful, afraid, worried, angry...all at once. I pride myself in thinking that I am a genuine and real person; that if someone asks me how my day is going, and it absolutely sucks, I will be the last to say "Oh, hunky dorey, couldn't be better!" Instead I'll briefly explain that it's not my favorite day, but I'll survive. Honesty is good, right??? However, I feel that lately I've kind of lost control. To anyone that asks, I'll spew forth a fountain of feelings. I'll shed some tears. I'll get fired up and talk more loudly than I should. I'll laugh uncontrollably. It's an emotional overdose.
I approach relationships in the same way. I realized last weekend through some unfortunate events that I put waaaaay too much of myself into all facets of my life: my students, my acquaintances, even people who I don't know well at all. I allow myself to be not just hurt, but brutally wounded simply because of my stray emotions.
It's casual. It's random. It's done without a thought or care in the world. I'm an emotional slut.
Can one go backwards here? If we are talking sex, there is no way to return to the virginal disposition once established as a fallen woman. I've been whoring out my feelings for so long...can I go back to containing them like normal?
Just some late night thoughts from a very tired (and very sore) girl.
Friday, February 25, 2011
20 Day Challenge- Day 12
Musical group/person that is not very well known worldwide.
Brandi Carlile was introduced to me by a friend who was helping me think of something to sing/play at an open mic night for a coffee shop. Brandi's lyrics are so very raw, and her guitar playing inspired me to at least try to learn more songs/chords. I've been to 3 of her concerts and love her stage personality and awesome talent. She is very underrated because of how indie she is, and that she can't be categorized as country or folk or easy listening because she is all over the place. Love her.
Brandi Carlile was introduced to me by a friend who was helping me think of something to sing/play at an open mic night for a coffee shop. Brandi's lyrics are so very raw, and her guitar playing inspired me to at least try to learn more songs/chords. I've been to 3 of her concerts and love her stage personality and awesome talent. She is very underrated because of how indie she is, and that she can't be categorized as country or folk or easy listening because she is all over the place. Love her.
20 Day Challenge- Day 11
Picture of a celebrity from your favorite TV show.
With the exception of Season 5, I love Dexter. It's the show I most look forward to. I'm also addicted to True Blood, Sex and the City, etc. but Dexter is a show I not only own but will watch any episode again and again. I highly recommend Dexter to anyone who likes mysteries, dark humor, and fake Cuban accents.
With the exception of Season 5, I love Dexter. It's the show I most look forward to. I'm also addicted to True Blood, Sex and the City, etc. but Dexter is a show I not only own but will watch any episode again and again. I highly recommend Dexter to anyone who likes mysteries, dark humor, and fake Cuban accents.
20 Day Challenge- Day 10
Favorite Country Singer/Band
It was a tie between Miranda Lambert and Zac Brown Band. But I gotta go with my girl Miranda. I love jamming to her when I'm driving a long distance, cleaning my house, really anytime. Her newest album is excellence, and she is very "true to country" which I like. :)
It was a tie between Miranda Lambert and Zac Brown Band. But I gotta go with my girl Miranda. I love jamming to her when I'm driving a long distance, cleaning my house, really anytime. Her newest album is excellence, and she is very "true to country" which I like. :)
Thursday, February 24, 2011
20 Day Challenge- Day 9
Celebrity who I would be friends with...
I. LOVE. EMMA. STONE. She is so funny! I think that if she is anything like the character she plays in Easy A, we would get along great. She seems very sarcastic and down to earth, which are two qualities that I need in people in order to really click with them. I think we would have a grand time! The only issue with her is that I'd have to collect my fiance's drool anytime she was around.
I. LOVE. EMMA. STONE. She is so funny! I think that if she is anything like the character she plays in Easy A, we would get along great. She seems very sarcastic and down to earth, which are two qualities that I need in people in order to really click with them. I think we would have a grand time! The only issue with her is that I'd have to collect my fiance's drool anytime she was around.
20 Day Challenge- Day 8
Favorite Disney Star...
I don't really watch Disney. I don't know names of a lot of Disney stars. So my default fav Disney star is Audree's cousin Cody Linley. I just decided to throw my support in that direction!
I don't really watch Disney. I don't know names of a lot of Disney stars. So my default fav Disney star is Audree's cousin Cody Linley. I just decided to throw my support in that direction!
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