Surrender

Surrender
Clenching, white knuckling this desire
If I let go, then I lose control
Not like I had it to begin with
Every time I hear you say “Let go”
My mind gives it all to you
But my heart hides a piece in its dark corners
Hoping that mental submission is enough
But the merry go round keeps turning
And eventually I am back where I began
On my knees trying take this yearning captive.
That’s the trouble with humanity; I can’t be You.
Which is a good thing, but frustrating in times like these.

I brace myself, ready for the blow
That will knock my grasp loose and
Pry the want out
Instead, a caress…a breath. A whisper.
"Let Me love you. Let Me help you. Let Me take this burden from you."
Unexpected kindness in a situation of frustration. Hmmm.
"I want what is BEST for you. Do you trust Me?"
Theoretically, yes. Mentally, yes. Emotionally? Eh…
Sadly, the curse of estrogen strikes once again.
Spaghetti trumps waffle every time in my brain,
And it all gets tangled together.

Each knot takes time to untangle. Patience. Gentleness.
One by one, the strings loosen and fall,
leaving me in a state of brokenness.
But a brokenness unlike that of heartbreak.
Not of loss, of grief, or of unbearable pain.
But a brokenness of availability.
A blank slate, clear of previous paint, scratches, marks, cuts.
Ready and waiting for change, for complete transformation.
It’s a great place to be. It’s a scary place to be.
The great antithesis; such is my life.
But I can’t be there until I
Surrender.


I'll try.