Brownies, Resumes, and Tears

And again, the emotional roller coaster that is my life goes up and down...and I am sitting there, belted in, hands raised, not knowing if I am having fun or scared out of my mind....

I am an English teacher. I teach literary devices, one of which is irony. Let me give you an example: someone who has hated their job, spent countless hours seeking other opportunities, has cried herself to sleep, finally turns in a letter of resignation. A week later, the job starts to get better, and by the end of the job, the person loves it and doesn't want to leave. Ironic? Yep. Me? Right again. On Tuesday, one of my students made me brownies and wrote me a really sweet letter, while another brought me coffee. It was in that moment I asked myself, "What was I thinking?" Then of course, I turned to God: "What am I going to do? I've screwed it up again."

I have applied to a couple of places, and last night applied to 2 different school districts. I am terrified. What am I going to do? How am I going to pay rent? What if I make yet another crucial mistake? Should I be getting my masters? All of this and more is floating in my head. I went to New Community at the Property last night, and it all just came loose. I cried and cried when we were singing the song "Everlasting." The verses really hit me: "...should I stumble again, I'm caught in your grace....the art of losing myself in bringing You praise." Paul and I talked and he really hit the nail on the head. I have this vision of who God is molding me to be, and what He is going to use me for, and I want it to happen now. I keep trying to force it, and again and again He says, "Not yet." I am overcome by how lacsidaisical I am concerning the Word and intercession. In theory, I desire fervently to be intimate with God..but what am I doing to make that happen?

So these are my thoughts...no resolution as of this morning, though it is true that He makes His mercy new every day. I woke up this morning, read some verses, and really meditated on His truth. And that is a start, at least. We shall see...I know that at the end of this rollercoaster I will be glad I rode it.