My Heart.

As much as I love that God knows me inside and out, and knows full well the desires of my heart, sometimes I wish that He wasn't the only one. I don't know if anyone can relate to this, but often I feel like people know different sides of me without ever getting the complete picture. It's rare that I come across a person that I can fully expose those hidden desires to, and feel completely unjudged and loved.
As member of the "single ladies," I think it's stating the obvious regarding the desires of my heart. I think the biggest struggle is questioning whether those desires are healthy or not. I have been taught since I was 14 that God is the one who fills me up, He is the only one who can meet those needs for me. I was also challenged this past year at TCAL when Paul preached about two 1/2s not making a whole...that I need to live my life and allow things to happen naturally. But at the same time, there is a void there that aches, especially around Christmas time.
Tonight, I was with a friend and her young daughter, who is about 3. This precious baby just clung to me, played ponies with me, had me read her books, and eskimo kissed me. My heart just melted, and the desire to start my own family just raged within me. It's all I can do to breathe in those moments, let alone objectively think to myself "God will fill this hole." Is it wrong to want this so badly? Every year it gets harder and harder to deal with. Every Christmas that I am the odd man out at the dinner table, every time I have to drive to family get togethers by myself...it just gets old.
It's basically causing me to question all that I have built my "standards" around. Have I made it impossible for guys to live up to the bar I have set? What is it that causes me to want something so badly then reject opportunities? I hate sounding like a broken record, but until I receive answers all I know to do is just to ask God to get me through, and to teach me to love others like I will one day love my husband, and through that grow to love Him even more.