Benchmarks, iPods, and Peace of Mind

I am pretty sure that my posts as of late have served as a sort of emotional compass as to where I am in my life right now. My emotions come and go in waves...every now and then I will feel as though I have bitten off more than I can chew, which leads almost immediately to a downward spiral in which I feel as though I am good at nothing and might as well join Ted Williams in his side road sign holding, hoping for someone's generosity and pity. Yes, it can be that drastic. ;)

Unfortunately, perfectionism is something that is ingrained so deeply within me that it proves extremely difficult to root out. This feeling of not being good enough combined with the guilt of worrying when Jesus tells me not to...well, it's just not fun for anyone around me. I don't want to be my own friend in that moment, let alone dump it on anyone else.

So, this whole "getting married/sharing your soul/becoming one" thing is not super conducive to holding it all in. Justin knows how to read me like an open book, which is super frustrating at times. The past few weeks he has seen me slowly tense up, recoiling like a snake, ready to explode at any moment. And I have. Often. Random things sending me into bursts of tears, all based on my worry and frustration at the lack of effort shown by my students. My little ones have so much on their plate, and to be honest, it hurts my heart every day. 9 year olds should not have to deal with what they do...and it's hard to leave that at school.

So, Sunday night rolls around, and I start getting anxious. As the night progresses, I can't stop thinking about the next day, worrying and stewing over what could happen and if I am prepared enough, will I get my evaluation, etc. In the car, it all comes to a boiling point and I start silently crying to myself. Justin looks over at me, asks me if I'm crying...I say no, he says "Liar," then plugs his iPod in. I look at him strangely, because I'm not hearing Mumford and Sons, our new favorite...it's worship music. The song "Lead Me to the Cross." Poignant? Yes. Suddenly, that's not the only voice I hear. He's singing. No, he's worshiping.

I think it might have been the most beautiful thing that I have ever seen. My fiance loves God so much that he trusts Him to take care of me when he no longer knows what to do. We both held hands and sang the rest of the way home, once we pulled into the driveway, he took my other hand and prayed over me/us. It was then that I felt my peace begin to come back.

I am so thankful for the opportunities that God has given Justin to lead me. Maybe this is what all of my craziness has been about...showing him that he is going to be such a wonderful husband and father. I cannot even fathom how lucky I am...and I am so grateful that his love for me is merely a speck in comparison with God's overwhelming love and peace. Thank you, Lord, for unforeseen chances to learn.