My Most Honest Post Yet...Insecure Much?

It is hard for anyone, let alone a woman, to let her guard down in a public forum. I am no exception to this rule. Only those closest to me know the deep desires, fears, and other beatings of my heart. I try to be vulnerable to a certain extent, but most people do not see what goes on behind the curtain. Well, for the past couple of months, I have slowly realized a huge struggle that I have, that I haven't really worried about since college. I am finding that the more I try to strategize about this issue, the worse it gets until it permeates my other relationships and reaps destruction. This, my friends, is the demon that is otherwise known as INSECURITY.

I am a fairly independent person who does not enjoy showing weakness. After a situation in college in which I was berated and discouraged constantly, I faced the task of allowing God to build me back up. By this time last year, I was in an extremely healthy mental state of relying on God for my emotional needs, disciplining my body into healthy habits, etc. With the combination of teaching again and suddenly having a boyfriend, I allowed myself to slack off on all of my disciplines I had developed, leaving me beginning 2011 now as a heavy-feeling, worrisome mess at times.

I don't blame Justin at all for this transition. Honestly, I think it shows me that I was doing a lot of what I did for the wrong reasons...to prove to myself and to the world that I was fine on my own. Now I am not on my own anymore...and it becomes easy to let another person bear the brunt of your load. And I am guilty of that. Lucky for me, I'm marrying a man who knows my heart and does not resent me for this. But it must be exhausting at times. So, I have decided to lay everything out on the line in hopes that it will provide me with the accountability and motivation to begin anew and to fight these insecurities with truth and dedication.

I am bigger than I have ever been. It has gone from a controlled weight gain to an inability to wear anything without feeling self-conscious. I stopped working out as much when school started, and after hurting myself in November have been on a workout freeze while my back was getting fixed. I go to restaurants thinking consciously to eat healthily, then order recklessly without a second thought. I am unhappy when I look in the mirror, and am terrified that I am going to look back on pictures of my wedding/honeymoon and be embarrassed. It is completely mental. You can say, "you know what to do...do it!" and I agree. But there is something that makes it so much harder, and I don't know why. It worries me that I can't get myself under control. Maybe that is another lesson God is teaching me, not sure.

I also worry that I will not be a good wife; that is, good enough for Justin. I love that man so much and believe that he deserves the best possible in life. Lately, I run through scenarios in my head of all of the things I need to be perfect at when we get married, and I fail even in my head. Seriously...it's ridiculous. What a slap in God's face. When we allow insecurity to rule our lives, like it is mine at the moment, it's basically saying that God made a mistake in loving us like He did. What a wasted sacrifice if we are worth nothing! God loves me so much and is in awe of my beauty (Zephaniah 3:17).

I know this is more of a ramble than a post, but I want to encourage you to be honest with yourself about where you are regarding worry, fear, and insecurity. Then, let's decide to make a change.