I just got home from seeing the new Clooney movie "Up In The Air." Deep but not too deep, funny but not too funny, chick flick and guy movie all in one, this film explores the dynamic of commitment, relationships, and how companionship looks for all sorts of people. One scene in particular involves Clooney, his love interest who is in her mid 30s, and his 23 year old co-worker who was just dumped via text message. She begins to describe the perfect "love of her life," the person she refuses to settle with anyone else for. This man is described to a T, and has very specific appearance, job, etc. The movie portrays this girl's hopes as the norm for a 23 year old, and the other two characters exchange a knowing glance as though "she will learn sooner or later." As a 23 year old woman, I would like to defend myself and say that my desires are not unreasonable, though I find myself in the same boat as this girl often.
My criteria for the lucky gent who will eventually buy me a nice addition to my left hand is pretty simple, though a little specific, I think. Physically, the only thing I care about is that we have some kind of chemistry and that he tries to be healthy, and it might help if he were at least my height. But mainly I care about the heart. Loves Jesus. Loves people. Is outgoing and has a sense of humor. Is a leader but is not threatened by my opinions, and actually enjoys challenging and being challenged. Can be romantic (I almost choked on that one, don't know if I even believe in that, lol). Where are these guys? Why do I get flack for being specific instead of men getting flack for not stepping up?
Just some things I am thinking about.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
English Extravaganza
In about 30 minutes, I will be off to my end of the year party with my fellow English graduate students. If you would have asked me a year ago, I never would have guessed that I would be 9 hours into another degree by this time. Being in grad school has stretched me beyond belief...I have met people of all different walks of life, I have learned things that I didn't think I had the capacity to learn, and have become a much more well rounded person in my social life. I love that I am about to sit at a table and have margaritas with people who have completely different lifestyles and ideas than me, and that it is literature and a passion for words that binds us all together. This makes me so utterly happy. :) Just saying.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Hypocrisy or Vulnerability? This is Me: Suck It.
As a Christian, I am constantly under scrutiny. Whether I realize it or not, there are people constantly watching every move I make, listening to how I speak, and evaluating my relationships with people. This used to be a source of pride for me in my legalistic days...I enjoyed it when people called me perfect, and found my worth and satisfaction in the expression "I could never be like that." Well, those days are long since gone, and I am finding myself facing a new challenge: being viewed, and even feeling like, a hypocrite.
By definition, a hypocrite is someone who says one thing yet does another: a person who does not "practice what they preach." This is usually the biggest gripe that society has with Christians. We are all hypocrites...we preach "perfection" yet do not practice it. Of course this is an accurate assessment to some extent; we try to do what is right, and of course, we fail most of the time. I think that the goal of churches such as TCAL, however, is to break through that image and to point out that it is not out of pride that we are hypocrites but simply out of our fallen nature, that we are all on an even playing field.
With this vulnerability of "here I am, here is my crap, this is me," I am finding that the Christian community does not necessarily approve. I feel myself being categorized as a hypocrite when I say I will stop gossiping yet fail miserably, when I say that I try to pray yet have a surge of anger towards God, etc. My vocalizing of these things, though intending to be more authentic, usually gives me more flack. People assume that I am not a "good enough Christian" to be in leadership. She has issues...we can't put her in charge. I say to you who think this, "You are full of crap." Maybe a word stronger than that.
I think that I am finally at that place where I can not care about those opinions. I don't hold bitterness toward the people from high school and college who aren't of the same opinion as me, and I remember when I was like that as well. But I refuse to filter and stifle the authenticity I feel it's my duty to live out just because it makes you uncomfortable. Obviously there is a balance...but if you truly desire community, that involves connecting at both the good level and the bad. Saying "you know, I am really not feeling it today."
Last week our small group coined the phrase "This is me: Suck It." As offensive as that may be, I want to put that on a T-Shirt and dance around a bit. I think I actually might. I care about your opinion if I am becoming a stumbling block to those who do not know Christ, but if you are a Christian and my openness about my life offends you, then by all means say your peace and keep on moving. I am sure that there is a less offensive hypocrite who would love to be your friend.
Harsh? Probably. But, in my opinion, necessary.
By definition, a hypocrite is someone who says one thing yet does another: a person who does not "practice what they preach." This is usually the biggest gripe that society has with Christians. We are all hypocrites...we preach "perfection" yet do not practice it. Of course this is an accurate assessment to some extent; we try to do what is right, and of course, we fail most of the time. I think that the goal of churches such as TCAL, however, is to break through that image and to point out that it is not out of pride that we are hypocrites but simply out of our fallen nature, that we are all on an even playing field.
With this vulnerability of "here I am, here is my crap, this is me," I am finding that the Christian community does not necessarily approve. I feel myself being categorized as a hypocrite when I say I will stop gossiping yet fail miserably, when I say that I try to pray yet have a surge of anger towards God, etc. My vocalizing of these things, though intending to be more authentic, usually gives me more flack. People assume that I am not a "good enough Christian" to be in leadership. She has issues...we can't put her in charge. I say to you who think this, "You are full of crap." Maybe a word stronger than that.
I think that I am finally at that place where I can not care about those opinions. I don't hold bitterness toward the people from high school and college who aren't of the same opinion as me, and I remember when I was like that as well. But I refuse to filter and stifle the authenticity I feel it's my duty to live out just because it makes you uncomfortable. Obviously there is a balance...but if you truly desire community, that involves connecting at both the good level and the bad. Saying "you know, I am really not feeling it today."
Last week our small group coined the phrase "This is me: Suck It." As offensive as that may be, I want to put that on a T-Shirt and dance around a bit. I think I actually might. I care about your opinion if I am becoming a stumbling block to those who do not know Christ, but if you are a Christian and my openness about my life offends you, then by all means say your peace and keep on moving. I am sure that there is a less offensive hypocrite who would love to be your friend.
Harsh? Probably. But, in my opinion, necessary.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Bigger Than Me
I have to confess that, approximately 99.9% of the time, I tend to be extremely nearsighted in my faith. The focus of my thoughts and prayers are what is right in front of me, the small things that just seem like giants, things that I can't seem to move past, to conquer, that consume my life. However, it seems as though in the past week God has revealed several things that have made my focus extend. It seems like members of my family are really battling right now, and I find myself seeing how blessed I am with each passing minute.
Blow #1: I went to the doctor with my mom and little brother on Monday. My brother has always been labeled as delayed, because his biological mother was MR and drank through her pregnancy. However, the doctors told us that he has cerebral palsy and will be so delayed that he will never be able to live independently. As much as it hurts my heart, I also wouldn't change a thing about him...it's just hard to hear those words articulated.
Blow #2: My mom's heart issues from a few years ago are starting back up again. She again did not tell us.
Blow #3: A new addition to my family has had some very scary tests and is praying that the big "C" word isn't present there.
All of this to say, I am in awe of how these individuals have handled themselves in their attitudes towards their situations and towards God. The bigger picture seems predominant; the idea of being used for God's glory seems to be the resounding theme. I find myself envious and convicted, knowing that I have the ability to draw close to God and feel that same sense of purpose in the most minute of my problems. All of the heartaches that seem to consume me are very very small in comparison to these things. I am inspired to surrender my heart fully to God, knowing that He does have purpose in all things, and that I have the privilege of being healthy right now, and can intercede powerfully on their behalf.
Love learning lessons the hard way.
Blow #1: I went to the doctor with my mom and little brother on Monday. My brother has always been labeled as delayed, because his biological mother was MR and drank through her pregnancy. However, the doctors told us that he has cerebral palsy and will be so delayed that he will never be able to live independently. As much as it hurts my heart, I also wouldn't change a thing about him...it's just hard to hear those words articulated.
Blow #2: My mom's heart issues from a few years ago are starting back up again. She again did not tell us.
Blow #3: A new addition to my family has had some very scary tests and is praying that the big "C" word isn't present there.
All of this to say, I am in awe of how these individuals have handled themselves in their attitudes towards their situations and towards God. The bigger picture seems predominant; the idea of being used for God's glory seems to be the resounding theme. I find myself envious and convicted, knowing that I have the ability to draw close to God and feel that same sense of purpose in the most minute of my problems. All of the heartaches that seem to consume me are very very small in comparison to these things. I am inspired to surrender my heart fully to God, knowing that He does have purpose in all things, and that I have the privilege of being healthy right now, and can intercede powerfully on their behalf.
Love learning lessons the hard way.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
When I am weak...
So, for those of you that read my blog and don't see my Facebook/Twitter updates (which I am guessing might be no one) I have been quarantined due to the lovely little H1N1 virus. It's frustrating because it's not that the swine flu is as bad as I imagined...it's just draining. And taking FOREVER to go away. I have felt the exact same since Saturday morning, and it's getting old. I feel tired walking from one room to the next. I am achy. I blow my nose every five seconds. And to top it all off, I can't be around people. It's annoying, and I am just ready to be back on my feet and moving again!
One thing that I am learning though is that even (especially) in my weakest moment, God can really do good things. I feel that being sick has allowed me to take a step back from life and get some perspective on the way I have been going on. I have been acting like such a victim this past month, allowing my circumstances to get in the way of my joy of serving others, feeling so busy that I can't breathe, when in reality the things I have going on are manageable and are way better than what they could be. Reading a lot of Tanna's updates about Brittany really put the things I worry about into proper perspective. I have the full use of my body. I will not have the flu forever, and then I will be back in the gym and actually starting to substitute teach in the next week or so. I have a place to live, I have a bachelor's degree, and have not been kicked out of graduate school so I guess I am doing okay there too. It's time to really focus on God. He is the absolute author and finisher of my life, and He should be the center of my attention, not all of these inconsequential things that get in my way. I am working on making Him a priority like I seem to do with everything else. Sad that it has to be an effort, but we all have to start somewhere, right?
One thing that I am learning though is that even (especially) in my weakest moment, God can really do good things. I feel that being sick has allowed me to take a step back from life and get some perspective on the way I have been going on. I have been acting like such a victim this past month, allowing my circumstances to get in the way of my joy of serving others, feeling so busy that I can't breathe, when in reality the things I have going on are manageable and are way better than what they could be. Reading a lot of Tanna's updates about Brittany really put the things I worry about into proper perspective. I have the full use of my body. I will not have the flu forever, and then I will be back in the gym and actually starting to substitute teach in the next week or so. I have a place to live, I have a bachelor's degree, and have not been kicked out of graduate school so I guess I am doing okay there too. It's time to really focus on God. He is the absolute author and finisher of my life, and He should be the center of my attention, not all of these inconsequential things that get in my way. I am working on making Him a priority like I seem to do with everything else. Sad that it has to be an effort, but we all have to start somewhere, right?
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Spiritual Warfare
Right now, I am supposed to be doing homework, but I feel that this is a more pressing matter. There is some major spiritual warfare going on in my apartment, and both my roommate and I are under attack. I do not want to go into further details on her end, but with me, every minute of every day I feel exhausted even attempting to deal with the situations going on here, and there is some tough stuff at work. Please pray that God will rebuke Satan from messing with our lives in this way, that we will both have the strength to fight, and that somehow God will give me strength for the both of us. Thanks.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
My Heart.
As much as I love that God knows me inside and out, and knows full well the desires of my heart, sometimes I wish that He wasn't the only one. I don't know if anyone can relate to this, but often I feel like people know different sides of me without ever getting the complete picture. It's rare that I come across a person that I can fully expose those hidden desires to, and feel completely unjudged and loved.
As member of the "single ladies," I think it's stating the obvious regarding the desires of my heart. I think the biggest struggle is questioning whether those desires are healthy or not. I have been taught since I was 14 that God is the one who fills me up, He is the only one who can meet those needs for me. I was also challenged this past year at TCAL when Paul preached about two 1/2s not making a whole...that I need to live my life and allow things to happen naturally. But at the same time, there is a void there that aches, especially around Christmas time.
Tonight, I was with a friend and her young daughter, who is about 3. This precious baby just clung to me, played ponies with me, had me read her books, and eskimo kissed me. My heart just melted, and the desire to start my own family just raged within me. It's all I can do to breathe in those moments, let alone objectively think to myself "God will fill this hole." Is it wrong to want this so badly? Every year it gets harder and harder to deal with. Every Christmas that I am the odd man out at the dinner table, every time I have to drive to family get togethers by myself...it just gets old.
It's basically causing me to question all that I have built my "standards" around. Have I made it impossible for guys to live up to the bar I have set? What is it that causes me to want something so badly then reject opportunities? I hate sounding like a broken record, but until I receive answers all I know to do is just to ask God to get me through, and to teach me to love others like I will one day love my husband, and through that grow to love Him even more.
As member of the "single ladies," I think it's stating the obvious regarding the desires of my heart. I think the biggest struggle is questioning whether those desires are healthy or not. I have been taught since I was 14 that God is the one who fills me up, He is the only one who can meet those needs for me. I was also challenged this past year at TCAL when Paul preached about two 1/2s not making a whole...that I need to live my life and allow things to happen naturally. But at the same time, there is a void there that aches, especially around Christmas time.
Tonight, I was with a friend and her young daughter, who is about 3. This precious baby just clung to me, played ponies with me, had me read her books, and eskimo kissed me. My heart just melted, and the desire to start my own family just raged within me. It's all I can do to breathe in those moments, let alone objectively think to myself "God will fill this hole." Is it wrong to want this so badly? Every year it gets harder and harder to deal with. Every Christmas that I am the odd man out at the dinner table, every time I have to drive to family get togethers by myself...it just gets old.
It's basically causing me to question all that I have built my "standards" around. Have I made it impossible for guys to live up to the bar I have set? What is it that causes me to want something so badly then reject opportunities? I hate sounding like a broken record, but until I receive answers all I know to do is just to ask God to get me through, and to teach me to love others like I will one day love my husband, and through that grow to love Him even more.
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