Get Real Monday....on a Tuesday (or is it Wednesday?)

So, this post is going to serve two purposes. One: to pose a question to other bloggers and friends out there, and two: to try to refigure my brain a little bit.

I usually don't participate in Get Real Monday. Most of the time, what I have to "get real" about is no different than what I would normally say or how I act. I consider myself pretty honest, even too much so at times. I suck at lying, even if it's just a weird facial expression due to an emotion. But I got called out on something on Friday, and I've been stewing over it this weekend and just can't really shake it. So, blog community, let me ask you...

What is the thing about yourself (apart from any physical insecurity) that you like the least? And, once you have identified this feature, how do you go about fixing it?

As I was sitting with my student on Friday, I was talking to one of my aides about my random thought process and how much I dislike it. I consider myself a pretty mellow person, over all. I'm low maintenance, pretty easy to please, hater of drama, etc. But I AM a worrier. It comes in phases, most of the time when things are going really well in my life. It's not as hard for me to have faith when things are crappy, because leaning on Jesus for strength and trusting Him are kind of a package deal. But for me, when things seem grand, I start to doubt and wonder where the catch is. I get a thought going in my head, maybe an insecurity or a worry, and it just makes its home in my brain and repeats itself over and over. I was telling this to my aide, and she told me that I sound extremely OCD to her. Confused based on my disorganized lifestyle, I waited for more of an explanation. She told me that the way I fixate on thoughts is such an OCD thing, combined with my perfectionist inability to be okay with making mistakes. Therefore I feel guilty for worrying and I rip myself to shreds.

The trouble with this is that none of these ways of dealing with it is honoring to God. The past couple of weeks it just seems like my brain is on overload, constantly trying to just take it easy and go along for the ride, enjoying the good times. Easier said than done for me. I can't seem to let go, or if I do, it's a repeated effort. I'm tired of beating myself up over it, but it's honestly freaking frustrating to know that you worry too much yet not be able to simply say "Okay, I'm done worrying now." I know what needs to happen, but it's a matter of not allowing Satan the victory of any power over my mind.

I need to spend some time with God. I need to remember Shannon's words so deeply engraved in my mind: "God is the only One who will ever satisfy ALL of your needs and wants, including how you feel about yourself." I need to surrender control...which sucks and is hard for me to do. And I need to stop trying to fix myself, and to trust that people around me love me for me (shout out, JJ Heller).

Easier said than done, but it needs to be done. Lord, help me know where to start, and help me to loosen my grip.