Pre New Year's Resolutions

I've been thinking a lot lately about goals. How easily they are set, and how easily they are broken. I stopped making resolutions years ago because I never kept them. This year, however, I've changed my mind.

Justin is a goal setting machine right now. He is working out, eating right, and losing weight like crazy. It inspires me, and has made me think a lot about where I can improve myself. I think it is so important to keep being who you are and continue doing what you feel passionate about after marriage. I've allowed myself of 5 months of comatose, now it's time to get back in business. So, here are the things I'm thinking about that will help me be a better "me":

1. Fitness- I so dropped the ball on this one, when I could have really been in crazy good shape. I want to start running again, and eating right, and at least tone up. I need to stop worrying about the pounds and start making myself feel better.

2. Education- Right now I have 15 hours of graduate studies. I quit mid year last year because it was just too much. Now, I'm starting to crave the adult time, if I'm being honest. I'm going to start looking at money and try to take a class or two this summer to finish up my degree.

3. Art- Even though I've never been super artist, I enjoy doing creative things. Lately that has been taking pictures. I really want to pursue this and learn about all the different facets of photography. If anything comes of it, great. If not, it's fun.

4. Friends- I need to reconnect with my friends. I have been a major loser (see previous post) and I'd like to remedy that.

Those are my current thoughts. Enjoy.

What's in a friend?

As obvious by my lack of blog posts, the past 4-5 months have been so crazy busy. Married in June, school started in August...it just feels like I haven't had time for anything. Unfortunately, not having time has combined with this extreme desire to be anti-social. Maybe it's a newlywed thing, but any desire that I have to leave Mansfield, let alone the house, just doesn't exist. Which sucks, because most of the people I spent time with don't live in Mansfield. So I have had 2 choices: a) be a jerk and tell everyone to come to me, or b) not see my friends. Unfortunately I've chosen B by default. And it's starting to bite me in the butt.

I'm not sure if I am just a normal newlywed or a bad friend. It hasn't started to bother me until lately, when I see my friends all hanging out with each other and realizing that I'm starting to fade away. People are starting to know in advance that I probably won't come. I feel bad, but at the same time the thought of driving in city traffic during the week makes me want to cringe. Am I a horrible person??? I want my friendships to stay intact, but I also have to redefine what these look like now that I am married. For instance, some things that I would have spilled my guts about have to remain private. Why? Because it's not just my business anymore...it's both mine and Justin's. I have to be careful how much I share, because I can't compromise the confidentiality between husband and wife.

Justin seems to be untouched by the anti-social bug. He still hangs out with his guy friends, goes places, etc. I don't want to be creeper wife that doesn't have her own life, so I need to get my butt in gear! Any tips on how to break this lack of desire to put on jeans and walk out the door???

Stronger than Yesterday

Britney Spears sure had the right idea when she wrote that song. Even though it's about not needing a man, the premise sure seems nice: "I'm stronger than yesterday, now it's nothing but my way, my loneliness ain't killing me no more..." This attitude encompasses who I thought I was when I was single. I had to rely on God and on myself; I constantly lived in a "suck it up" mentality, giving off the heir that I didn't care what people thought, and that I could take on the world.
Lately, I've felt anything but strong. I used to think it's because now I finally have someone I can open myself up to, and that my emotions are making up for lost time. But defeat just seems to come so easily. I've become pretty pessimistic--not getting my hopes up because I can't handle disappointment.
With all of the craziness of me passing out last week and doctors trying to figure out what is wrong, I've run the emotional gamut. I've done my best to trust in God, to surrender my worries to Him, but I fear that I've failed somehow. I'm left with a ball of nerves, a disappointment in myself, and a longing to be stronger. I think about Kelley McElreath, how she looked cancer in the face and used every ounce of her journey as an opportunity to provide hope to cancer victims. I see my dad, how his job beats him up daily but he comes home with a smile on his face. I want to BE those people. Not a weeping puddle of self pity and anxiety.
How does one come to this point? What can I do to be stronger? I am afraid to pray for strength, because in my experience God gives you opportunities to be strong...and I really don't want yet another test of my strength.
Any advice? I think that Justin deserves a wife that can stand on her own two feet. Just saying.