Reaching My LImit

There is really no cutesy way to begin this post. I'm not writing to discuss a point or explore a thought or issue...I'm writing in order to find some kind of catharsis, some point of calm in the madness. I know "Get Real Monday" has already come and gone, but today I've reached my maximum capacity and I feel like I'm going to internally combust. Not out of anger, but just out of sheer lack of ability to deal. I am going to have to filter a little bit, of course, but here's the general gist.
If you are a blog stalker and have read some of my posts from last year, then you know my story. You know what I've struggled with and how far God has brought me, and my "elevated Ebenezers," the reason for my blog title, that I reflect on regarding how God has been faithful to me. He has taken me out of my lowest point and given me a future and a hope, a joy that only He can provide. Right now, I am in the happiest possible season of my life. Satan, the enemy, comes to "steal, kill and destroy" and the more blessings I notice in my life, the more I see Satan attacking my heart and trying to steal my joy. It sucks.
In the past couple of months, things have been stacking up emotionally for me. There's family stuff, social stuff, work stuff (all of which are very generalized for a purpose). I am so physically down on myself and how I look, but my mind will not cooperate with my body enough to make a serious change. Then let's add some sexual tension in the mix (yeah, I said it) and it's just enough to send all of these emotions spilling out. I go from seeming very easygoing and fun to a freaking weeping willow who seriously can't get control of herself.
I'm a control freak. And in each area of life that is hurting, I have zero control. I feel so helpless and weak. I feel as though I've let God down by not going to Him. I feel like I'm letting Justin down by not being stronger, even though I know that's stupid. Tonight in the midst of a slightly emotional conversation the floodgates just burst forth, and I still have not regained full control of my tearducts. This was an hour ago. My eyes are so swollen. Because I have no choice but to compartmentalize my life, and I honestly don't have time to clean out the cabinets in my kitchen, let alone my heart.
I'm reminded of a verse in Psalms, "I lift my eyes up to the hills. Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth." I've honestly forgotten how to ask. I've forgotten how to listen. and I've forgotten how to receive. In 3 days, Thanksgiving break will be here. I will be able to allow myself to begin the process of digging through and healing from some of this baggage. Please pray that I can surrender my whole heart to Christ and that I can gain a sense of peace in all of this madness. As far as Satan goes? He can go straight back to hell where he came from.

With a Thankful Heart

I have been keeping track of people's various "thankfuls" on Facebook this month. This is probably the first year that I haven't done my own, and sadly it's because I forgot until I saw all of the other ones on Facebook and I hate being the one to jump onto the bandwagon. But I do need to articulate how truly grateful I am. There are no words to express how happy and full my heart feels, so I'll let some pictures describe it for you:







Yes, I am engaged. Looking back on some of my posts from a year ago, it's surreal to see how God has blessed me. I remember my first date with Justin. I was so nervous. I did not know how to handle it when he texted me before I even got home wanting to hang out again. You know that feeling where you are just waiting for the catch? That was me. Now, here I stand, engaged to the most wonderful, character-filled, kindhearted man that I know.

In church last Sunday, I looked over at my fiance during worship time and watched him sing to God. In that moment, I felt so blessed. Who am I to deserve to have what I have? In the past year, God has given me a partner in life, a new family, a fantastic job and closer relationships to people I love. It's overwhelming to know that my future is so bright. I can trust Justin to be the leader in our family, and I know that my kids will be raised to love Jesus because their parents have committed to do so forever.

Anyway, again, words can't express my gratitude this year. Probably the most meaningful Thanksgiving to me so far in life.