Benchmarks, iPods, and Peace of Mind

I am pretty sure that my posts as of late have served as a sort of emotional compass as to where I am in my life right now. My emotions come and go in waves...every now and then I will feel as though I have bitten off more than I can chew, which leads almost immediately to a downward spiral in which I feel as though I am good at nothing and might as well join Ted Williams in his side road sign holding, hoping for someone's generosity and pity. Yes, it can be that drastic. ;)

Unfortunately, perfectionism is something that is ingrained so deeply within me that it proves extremely difficult to root out. This feeling of not being good enough combined with the guilt of worrying when Jesus tells me not to...well, it's just not fun for anyone around me. I don't want to be my own friend in that moment, let alone dump it on anyone else.

So, this whole "getting married/sharing your soul/becoming one" thing is not super conducive to holding it all in. Justin knows how to read me like an open book, which is super frustrating at times. The past few weeks he has seen me slowly tense up, recoiling like a snake, ready to explode at any moment. And I have. Often. Random things sending me into bursts of tears, all based on my worry and frustration at the lack of effort shown by my students. My little ones have so much on their plate, and to be honest, it hurts my heart every day. 9 year olds should not have to deal with what they do...and it's hard to leave that at school.

So, Sunday night rolls around, and I start getting anxious. As the night progresses, I can't stop thinking about the next day, worrying and stewing over what could happen and if I am prepared enough, will I get my evaluation, etc. In the car, it all comes to a boiling point and I start silently crying to myself. Justin looks over at me, asks me if I'm crying...I say no, he says "Liar," then plugs his iPod in. I look at him strangely, because I'm not hearing Mumford and Sons, our new favorite...it's worship music. The song "Lead Me to the Cross." Poignant? Yes. Suddenly, that's not the only voice I hear. He's singing. No, he's worshiping.

I think it might have been the most beautiful thing that I have ever seen. My fiance loves God so much that he trusts Him to take care of me when he no longer knows what to do. We both held hands and sang the rest of the way home, once we pulled into the driveway, he took my other hand and prayed over me/us. It was then that I felt my peace begin to come back.

I am so thankful for the opportunities that God has given Justin to lead me. Maybe this is what all of my craziness has been about...showing him that he is going to be such a wonderful husband and father. I cannot even fathom how lucky I am...and I am so grateful that his love for me is merely a speck in comparison with God's overwhelming love and peace. Thank you, Lord, for unforeseen chances to learn.

A Cluttered Heart Gets a Visit

Welcome, Lord.
Pull up a chair, sorry for the mess.
It's been a while since I let you visit my heart.
Yes, I have changed the decor, thanks
for noticing.
....
Oh, not a compliment? No matter, I'll just go on.
It's not every day I get a visit from You.
No, I didn't hear you knocking yesterday.
Or the day before that.
Or the day before that.
Funny...must have had my inner monologue turned up
too loud. Bought it on iTunes.
All it cost me was $Pride, $Worry, and a touch of
$Insecurity.
Not Your cup of tea, Lord? Sure, I don't mind turning it down.
Like I said, You are the guest of honor.
It's not every day I get...right, moving on.
....
Truth is, I'm kind of embarrassed.
I was planning on cleaning up before you came.
That huge stack of "body issues" in the corner?
That was going to disappear once I got my butt in the gym.
When? Tomorrow. It's all planned out for tomorrow.
Yes, I have said that before. But that was before.
Back to the mess...sorry again.
And I had planned on dusting off all of those "worry thoughts"
so that they would not look so, well, worrisome.
I keep them nice and neat, framed up on my wall so that
I can see them at all times.
I arrange them by whatever seems most pertinent.
What? You've never seen them? But they are right there, Lord.
Displayed. Arranged. Yes, they are in the corner, but
that is where I like them. No need for everyone to know.
I do have an image to keep, after all.

So, I guess You know that I'm getting married.
See? There's his hand right there, holding onto my heart.
Right where Yours used to be...wait.
Where did Your hand go?
I'm confused.
I see Your hands holding onto his heart so tightly.
I see Your presence radiating from his inner being.
He feels You. But so do I...so where is Your handprint on me?

How have I allowed myself to clutter up the heart that belongs to You?
How have I held on to the troubles of this world that You've begged me to surrender?
How have I lost touch with the intimacy that comes from doing each day with You by my side?
I feel closer to You in theory, but inside, I realize that I've replaced love with love.
I've never been good at sharing my heart. But I know that, by giving You it all, I am only more free to love others.
Right now, my love comes with a tax: the baggage that I carry around.
Oh, how I long to love freely. To let it all go and run to You.
....
What? You'll stay a while and help me clean up the place?
Sounds like a perfect start.

My Most Honest Post Yet...Insecure Much?

It is hard for anyone, let alone a woman, to let her guard down in a public forum. I am no exception to this rule. Only those closest to me know the deep desires, fears, and other beatings of my heart. I try to be vulnerable to a certain extent, but most people do not see what goes on behind the curtain. Well, for the past couple of months, I have slowly realized a huge struggle that I have, that I haven't really worried about since college. I am finding that the more I try to strategize about this issue, the worse it gets until it permeates my other relationships and reaps destruction. This, my friends, is the demon that is otherwise known as INSECURITY.

I am a fairly independent person who does not enjoy showing weakness. After a situation in college in which I was berated and discouraged constantly, I faced the task of allowing God to build me back up. By this time last year, I was in an extremely healthy mental state of relying on God for my emotional needs, disciplining my body into healthy habits, etc. With the combination of teaching again and suddenly having a boyfriend, I allowed myself to slack off on all of my disciplines I had developed, leaving me beginning 2011 now as a heavy-feeling, worrisome mess at times.

I don't blame Justin at all for this transition. Honestly, I think it shows me that I was doing a lot of what I did for the wrong reasons...to prove to myself and to the world that I was fine on my own. Now I am not on my own anymore...and it becomes easy to let another person bear the brunt of your load. And I am guilty of that. Lucky for me, I'm marrying a man who knows my heart and does not resent me for this. But it must be exhausting at times. So, I have decided to lay everything out on the line in hopes that it will provide me with the accountability and motivation to begin anew and to fight these insecurities with truth and dedication.

I am bigger than I have ever been. It has gone from a controlled weight gain to an inability to wear anything without feeling self-conscious. I stopped working out as much when school started, and after hurting myself in November have been on a workout freeze while my back was getting fixed. I go to restaurants thinking consciously to eat healthily, then order recklessly without a second thought. I am unhappy when I look in the mirror, and am terrified that I am going to look back on pictures of my wedding/honeymoon and be embarrassed. It is completely mental. You can say, "you know what to do...do it!" and I agree. But there is something that makes it so much harder, and I don't know why. It worries me that I can't get myself under control. Maybe that is another lesson God is teaching me, not sure.

I also worry that I will not be a good wife; that is, good enough for Justin. I love that man so much and believe that he deserves the best possible in life. Lately, I run through scenarios in my head of all of the things I need to be perfect at when we get married, and I fail even in my head. Seriously...it's ridiculous. What a slap in God's face. When we allow insecurity to rule our lives, like it is mine at the moment, it's basically saying that God made a mistake in loving us like He did. What a wasted sacrifice if we are worth nothing! God loves me so much and is in awe of my beauty (Zephaniah 3:17).

I know this is more of a ramble than a post, but I want to encourage you to be honest with yourself about where you are regarding worry, fear, and insecurity. Then, let's decide to make a change.