Battlefield

It feels weird to be blogging again. I had been doing so well and keeping up with everything, but this month has been, to say the least, interesting.

This morning I went to the 12 o' clock Easter service for our church. I intended to go to the 9, but I didn't hear my alarm and woke up at approximately 10:45. Sitting in the back, hoping that no one was noticing my thrown together outfit and unwashed hair, I sat and listened to Paul preach about what relational rescue truly is. As he was talking, something clicked in my heart and I knew he was preaching those words for me. He began to talk about what it means to keep God at the center of your life. Since I became I Christian, I have loved Jesus and really tried to live for Him. But something has shifted in the past year that has made it very difficult.

I fell in love.

God has blessed Justin and I with a relationship that rivals any I've ever seen...no offense, but we have something special. ;) I've never been able to rely on anyone in that way, and I am finally in a place that I trust him to take care of me. However, in doing so, I think that I have shifted most of my love and affection towards him away from God. Instead of just adding to it, I've replaced it. I feel very distant from God, even when I'm praying all the time and "trying" so hard to listen.

The sermon this morning talked about what life looks like with God in the center, and I realized that both Justin and I need to be better about doing this. I do not want to wake up one day and have both of us resent each other for being needy or dependent. I have to be able to stand on my own two feet, proclaiming and believing that God is enough for me, and that Justin is my gift, my added bonus.

I'm committing to start a new devotional, because as much as I used to study the Bible, I absolutely suck lately at committing to read chapters of it. I'm going to go through a Battlefield of the Mind devotional, and meditate on those Scriptures plus any other ones that God lays on my heart. Please pray for me that I will stick to this commitment and give my heart back to Jesus where it belongs. I need strength to fight Satan off, because he has slowly infiltrated my thoughts and my actions, and I'm sick of it, darnit!!!

On a side note, I am so ready for marriage. In my heart, we are already there. Thank you Lord for giving me someone to share life with forever.

Crazies-revised

Since posting this afternoon, a miracle is happened.

I got pissed.

I'm done letting Satan steal my joy.
I'm finished letting him make me feel sorry for myself.
I'm done making excuses of why it's okay for me to feel depressed.
I'm over blaming it on my job, on my stress levels, on my medication...
In the name of Jesus, I am through with you, Satan.
Get the hell out of my life, and go to hell where you belong.

The Crazies

Sometimes I wonder how much babies can understand in their heads. Do they get frustrated when they are hungry and we don't know how to decipher their cries? Are they sitting there thinking "I'M HUNGRY, STUPID!!!" When we start talking baby talk, do they do a mental eye roll on occasion? Is it this frustration that drives them to mastery of language?

I feel like a baby lately. So much has happened since January and it's hard to even know where to begin processing. However, no matter how much I try to talk it out, how much I write, how much I cry, I can't communicate fully how I feel. I can come across as a pansy, a Negative Nancy, or just a jerk. But what I feel is a bad case of crazy.

No matter how much time I have off, I constantly am having panic attacks where I can't breathe and am hysterical. My chest tightens up and I can't get control of myself. I'm crying all the time. I'm feeling like I'm treading water, that I can't ever get control of my emotions and that I'm burdening everyone by not being normal. I'm so tired all the time.

This week I've hit a new phase...pulling away. I'm tired of being the beat down, so it's easier to just not go there, to not see people, to not rehash for what feels like the billionth time that I'm struggling. No, I don't know why. No, I don't know what I'm so worried or anxious about. I am still thinking rational thoughts when my body starts rebelling against me. So instead, I've found myself becoming distant with everyone lately.

I'm not really looking for a response, just wanting an outlet and a disclaimer. Yes, I'm aware. No, I don't understand it. Yes, I'm sorry that I've not been there for a lot of people. I'm trying to trust in God's sovereignty and the peace that passes understanding. I'm praying for it.