One Shot.

Since getting married, I have kind of forgotten that I run a blog. Needless to say, a LOT has been happening...some wonderful and amazing, some that absolutely sucks. I am kind of struggling in the processing of a lot of life right now, so I figure that I'll do a little soul exploration today and a little bit of slapping myself in the face. If neither of which sounds appealing to you, I hope you skip my post. Consider yourself warned.

I feel as though I have aged about 10 years since getting married. This is both a great thing and a very inconvenient thing. Honestly, I love where I am with God and with Justin right now. Have I loved what it took to get us here? Not so much. We have been through hell and back, and have gone through some things that I think newlyweds should never have to face in their first year of marriage. But I am so proud of my husband. He is a leader, he loves Jesus, and he has shown me he loved me so often and so well that I am so confident of what we have. I have learned that we can face anything together and I am just so very proud of him and of us.

I have also learned what kind of friend I want to be to others. It has come to my attention that I have been a sucky friend to a lot of people. One of my great friends went through an awful time in her life when her mom passed away a couple of years ago. I texted a little in the beginning, but I let it slip from my mind and I forgot. I had all of these excuses, but in reality I didn't know what to do so I did nothing. Which now I realize is completely inexcusable and horrible. I have asked forgiveness for that and we have mended ways, but I don't think we will ever be that close again due to my selfishness and lack of compassion.

I realize that there is nothing that anyone can say in dark times that make sadness or anger disappear. However, Justin and I have been shown kindness by the most unexpected people and it has meant the world to me. I have had friends that haven't really said much, and I have no expectation of anyone to fill my needs. But I want to be the one making an impact on the struggling friend, not the one that the friend has to tell herself "Oh, Caty means well, she doesn't know what to do, etc." I am tired of that.

Unfortunately, all of these realizations come with a price. I have lost a lot of my filter. Where I would usually avoid conflict, I don't really care anymore and will say what I mean. This is very inconvenient when I get upset at someone. I normally formulate what I want to say then weigh out whether or not it is worth it, but lately my words have just become verbal diarrhea. Gross but accurate. I also have lost a lot of patience. I used to enjoy a lot of goofy stuff and sit through a lot of superficial conversations. But people like this are quite honestly wearing me out.

Don't get me wrong, I love having fun. I love stupid jokes. I love laughing. But I can't tolerate constant complaining anymore. I can be super negative and have been guilty of complaining a lot, but get this: PEOPLE ALL OVER THE WORLD HAVE IT WORSE THAT I DO. People are dying of cancer, are starving, are experiencing a hopeless existence. What possible right do I have to gripe about someone being rude to me at work, or my husband working late, or my favorite show getting cancelled, or whatever? Complaints like this hit me in the gut now a lot of times, because I wish I could just shake people and tell them that I'd love to be in their shoes. I love clothes and fashion, but after about 5 minutes of OMGing the latest trends, I feel nauseous.

Maybe it's just a phase, but I've realized that this life is a vapor. We only get ONE shot at it. Do I want to waste my life away focusing on facebook, petty conflicts with others, clothes, music, or whatever else? Or do I want to make meaningful relationships that change and grow me, making a difference in the world?

A lot of people could read this post and call me a hypocrite. Well, surprise. I am. So are you. We all are! We are human, therefore we have sin. Just like Paul says, "what I want to do I don't do, and what I don't want to do, I do." (major paraphrase) All of these things are ideal. Will I fall short? Absolutely. Will I screw up daily? I can guarantee it. But the point is that I don't want to settle for my level of mediocrity. I want to wake up each morning with a desire to be better. There are days lately where my "better" is going through a day without taking someone's head off, or making sure I put that card in the mail, or doing a photoshoot to help someone else smile when I'm fighting tears the whole time. But I'm tired of being judged by what people think I am when I know what my heart says. I used to get so frustrated in college when people would tell me I was too much, or not enough, or just sell me short because I didn't put my heart on the line on a daily basis. I have tried for years to focus on the approval of others, campaigning for myself, trying to convince people that I'm good enough to be a girlfriend, a friend, a sister, a daughter. But if you don't see that, then I'm over the campaign. I think if we all look inward, we would agree that the charade is exhausting. So here is my new disclaimer on life: if you are trying to be someone's friend because you feel like you should, or that they need a friend, or whatever, I promise you that you are doing them an injustice. If you are going to love someone, then put your heart and soul into it. I have learned, unfortunately bc I suck at this, that it is worse to claim to be a good friend and fail, than to follow your heart and just try to love people. I want to be a good friend. I want to love people genuinely. I'm working on it.

Grace doesn't just come from God, it comes from others. I hope that some of you have grace in your heart to understand where I am coming from and to take it as such, but if you don't, then....well, nothing, I guess. I hope that any reader takes more positive than negative from this post, and can understand that growing is painful but a necessary process. One that I am smack dab in the middle of.

If this seems like a rant, it's not. I just have so much in my brain that I need an outlet and I type faster than I write. And I think Justin deserves the chance for someone else to be my outlet. :)