So this morning I woke up with a voicemail from 24 Fitness, saying that I did indeed get the job. I take back everything I said yesterday, except for the fact that I still hate the economy. lol. So, as of now, I am a membership counselor at the Mansfield 24 Fitness! Come and see me, I will HOOK YOU UP. :)
Do you ever look back on portions of your life that were only a short time, but seemed decades long? That is what Howard Payne feels to me now. I have been out for a year, and reflecting on college feels like I am reflecting on my life, period. I think that we go through so many transformations during those 4 years (or 5, or 6, depending) that we remember a completely different person than who we were when we were through. At least, that is how it was for me.
The summer before I started school, I decided that I would not be fat. I wanted to have friends, go on dates, and be popular. I would not let the nicknames such as "Caty-cow" follow me to this place of refuge I was headed. So, I decided to walk 5 miles a day and rarely eat. I would cry if I let myself have a chicken tender, then immediately go work out. I won't say that I had an eating disorder, but I was on that path. I only include this to let people know what was going on under the exterior. I lost 15 pounds that summer, got some new clothes and a great haircut, and got ready to show everyone what a great Christian I was.
First day of school, I meet a blonde girl who was THE most outgoing person I ever met. We immediately became friends, and made it our mission to meet everyone in the freshman class. "Yes!" I thought. Everything is going on according to plan. I was in the right circles, found an absolutely AWESOME church where I plugged in quickly, got involved in student government, and had a boy interested in me.
Before you have a heart attack thinking that I am about to unfold secrets that are not okay with him, let me just tell you. Years after this portion of our lives, we are friends. We have talked several times about how God has used our relationship, so it's fine. If you need to, ask him. But this is a pivotal part of who I am, and I can't leave it out. This whole vulnerability, you know.
The boy. Tall, handsome, thought I was funny, worked in ministry, paid me lots of attention...what more could a girl want? I decided right then that I would not screw this up. Can you tell that perfectionisim is an issue with me? I would always say the right thing, wear the right clothes, do the right things, if it meant I could actually date a good guy. After the awful high school situation, I told myself that I would never have my heart broken again, and would protect it at all costs. So this guy and I dated for a while, kept it on the DL from most people (which should have been a clue to both of us), dated again...it just was a vicious cycle. Finally, when I pledged Rho, we made it official to the public. It would be too hard for me to fulfill pledging responsibilities as well as have a healthy relationship if things weren't out in the open. Pledging, though wonderful, made me so tired. I wouldn't be able to go see the Boy till 11 or 12 at night...so what do you think happened? We ended up really struggling physically, again getting way too close to the bar. But this time, I didn't cry and break it off. I just kept coming back for more. We would mess up, we would feel bad, we would say it was the last time. Every time we hung out. It's a miracle that we never "did it." Serious miracle. After working together for a summer, we broke it off, only to get back together 3 months later. The second go round was MUCH more intense. He approached me with a full apology, telling me he loved me, which at that point he had never said. He apologized to my mom for hurting me in the past, promising to be there for me from now on. I fought it at first, but eventually said ok. We entered into this head over heels section of a relationship, and started making plans for the future. I knew in my heart that he was it. I met his family, loved them to pieces, made plans to transfer to another school after he graduated so we could get married. Life was so great.
Then, the flip of the switch.
It's fuzzy to me how everything happened...one minute we were great in my Barbie doll fantasy relationship bubble, then we weren't. I said something that was taken out of context, and suddenly I was shut out. The man I was going to marry just stopped talking to me. Stopped calling, wouldn't make eye contact with me, said he couldn't trust me or forgive me. I was dumbfounded...what could I do? But I loved him so much that I wasn't going to let him go. His parents saw what was happening, and begged me to wait it out. No one really knew what to do. I fell into this deep hole of depression. I would eat maybe three yogurts a day, sleep a lot, turn out all the lights, cry. Make that weep. I am surprised people on my hall never said anything to the RD. I cried more than I can imagine anyone crying. I would throw my Bible after begging God to comfort me, to give me an answer, and decided that maybe He didn't love me either. I knew it was something that I did...where did I mess up? How could I fix it? I had so carefully structured this life for myself, and it was all crashing down. A relationship that I invested 2 years of my life into was crumbling and out of my control. I ended up going to the doctor because I had cried so much that my ribcage around my lungs became inflamed, making it hard for me to breathe.
One day, he started talking to me again. Never apologizing, but wanting to just forget the whole thing. I was eager to do the same, but couldn't seem to let it go. I had lost many friends over the whole ordeal. In fact, my bubbly freshman friend told me point blank, "I can't really handle you like this." I had one friend who really, truly stuck by me. She is still my best friend today. I know that God put her in my life to keep me from doing something stupid. On nights that I retreated into that dark place, she would show up with Ben and Jerrys and an movie. Anything to keep me occupied. I thank God for her so much.
The boy graduated, and we tried to tackle our issues over the phone. Most of our conversations ended in hateful words. Two of my guy friends sat me down, and told me a truth that no one up until this point had ever dared tell me: "He isn't right for you. He has never been right for you, and this relationship is destroying you. We don't even recognize you anymore." Suddenly, it clicked. This had to end. I deserved something good, because God loves me. I realized that the silence I had been so angry with God over was actually a booming, resounding, "He's treating you like crap, so let it go!" I broke off the relationship and began trying to get healthy.
Sidenote: it took a long time for us to be friends again. I prayed for over a year to be able to forgive him, and had to tell him verbally about 4 times. We didn't talk for a long time, and I stayed angry for a long time. But I can say that we are cool now, and that as painful as it was, I consider our relationship one of the major flames that has molded me and shaped me into the person I am today.
Road to recovery...next time.
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