Story of a Girl, Part 5

Picking up where I left off last week...

This is my favorite part of the story to tell. Why? Because this is when I begin to see God really cracking the surface of my protective wall I had build around me for 20 years. It's both great and frustrating to reflect upon, because I wish I could have just known all of this then! What a waste of 20 years living under the pretense that I had to earn God's love! Sigh. All things have a purpose, and now I know, and I can live in the freedom of it all, but still. Grr. Anyways...

Entering my junior year at HPU, I was confused about a lot of things. 1) I went from practically engaged to single and emotionally torn up, 2) I had moved off campus and was living with people I wasn't sure I would click with, and 3) I had started to gain weight again. I think I was fairly optimistic about the whole thing, but I still failed to see the big picture. Now my image was shattered. Not only did all of the student body know about my imperfections, but God did too..and He wasn't going anywhere. I didn't really know what to do with that. Around the first month of school, I remember a situation in which I was furious at a certain individual. I tested this newfound freedom and screamed "_______ is such an asshole!" to my poor housemates. First time I had said a curseword in my life. I waited for the lightning to strike...waited...and waited...and waited. Never happened. I couldn't figure it out. Why isn't God punishing me? I will tell you that God's grace is never something I fully grasped. I mean, I always knew it was there, but I think that subliminally I thought that I was so good that I didn't need it. I began to see a tiny glimpse of God's love for me.

After about a month and a half, I realized that I couldn't fully figure it all out on my own. The effects of the previous year were still bearing down on me, and I was taking 20 hours and couldn't fully process. So, I emailed a friend of mine and asked for a reference to a Christian counselor (for a friend of course) and decided to give it a shot.

Yep, I said counselor. Gasp. After all of the childhood drama and me swearing I would never do it again, I was going to pay someone to help me sort through my crap. So I drove to Ft. Worth once a week from Brownwood to talk to this woman. I saw her for about 5 months. In our first few meetings, I tried to be as honest as possible and tell her everything. One thing that I realized during those first few sessions is that I started defending myself even in my most brutally honest moments. I could never just admit that I was angry. Or that I was hurt. Or that I just was downright needy. I kept trying to keep the perfect picture intact...well God quickly just shattered it.

That was the most powerful, freeing thing in the entire world. To realize that I was the epitome of the Christian kid yet I truly was a sinner, and that God still loved me. I really couldn't wrap my brain around it. He wasn't asking me to portray what Christianity should look like...I wasn't a billboard for a religion, which is what I had felt like my whole life. I was His bride, His love! This turning point set me on a path of growth like never before.

I think that for a while I tested it out. Had a margarita with the folks, slipped a curse word here or there, didn't read my Bible for a while, etc. I just wanted to see if the whole unconditional thing was for real. Eventually I think I found the happy medium, though it took me quite a while. Sometimes I still think I am looking for it. Anyways, I started feeling loved for me, which was never something I had experienced in a relationship.

Tying this in with today...it has been three years since I have had a boyfriend. I have not dated anyone since God revealed all of this to me. Not that I don't want to, but I can see that it has taken a while for God to slowly peel off the layers of my false identity, of the lies that Satan told me, to bring me to a place that I am not only comfortable in my own skin, but excited about the woman that God has designed me to be, and fully basking in His love.

This is not to say that I haven't had some pitfalls since this moment. My family has had some definite financial issues. I had an extremely traumatic situation my senior year in which a close friend tried to take advantage of me. Friendships have changed, location has changed, career has changed. But through it all, God has not stopped showing me how much He loves me.

Next time I want to talk about the summer in Indiana in which God really shifted my worldview. Those two months are definitely on the timeline of importance.

Sidenote: tomorrow I am going blonde again. I am nervous about it but kind of excited. :)