Spiritual Prostitution

I don't understand.
I've pushed You away again,
And You offer LOVE.
Well, that sounds nice
But forbidden fruit is
So much easier.
Juicy. Sweet. Instant gratification.
You know this about me, yet You persist.
Why?

I always want to love You.
Every day, I say yes to Your call.
We sing our dysfunctional duet--
You, in perfect pitch.
Me, struggling to find the key.
Still You love me.
I don't understand.

Are You asking for abuse?
You are all-knowing,
No surprises. Ever.
So why choose rejection?
In pursuit of holy matrimony
I prostitute my heart.
Lust, pride, all-inclusive package rrrrrrriiiippppssss
m e a p a r t.
Why You are still here, I don't know.
Some small voice inside says
I can believe You.
Oh, how I want to.

I keep thinking You'll give up.
One of these days, You'll open
those all-seeing eyes
And cut the cord. Pound the gavel.
Pronounce me unlovable, unreachable,
Hopeless.
And I would understand, because
I wouldn't love me either.

I kneel, not knowing if this
Is the time I will hear my
Prayers bounce off the ceiling,
Back onto this page.
I wince, anticipating. Holding my breath.



Silence.





Then, Arms.
Holding me up. together. close.
Hands.
Wiping my face, my tears.
Cleaning up the mess of me--
the pieces of my past, present and future.
You put me back together again.
I don't get it, but I'm glad.
I'm so glad.
Somehow, I knew You would.
You and Your crazy LOVE.