Beauties and the Beast, Round 3

Tomorrow is the first day of a 17 week long weight loss challenge. Some girls in my small group have participated in the past 2 challenges, and they have seen amazing results, so I decided that this time I would tag along. Basically, my eating is about to be taken to a whole new level! I am excited on one hand, but on the other I am afraid. I keep hearing these voices in my head: "What makes you think that you can stick with it this time? How are you any different?" Before I would have called that my cold feet, but now I recognize it as the voice of Satan. He wants me to fail. He wants to cripple me in my journey, and rob me of the joy I am experiencing through all of my fitness networking. But I know that I have the support of, get this, 69 women in this challenge! Isn't that insane??? I think that this challenge will not only help me lose the weight, but will provide me with the accountability and friendship I need in life to feel encouraged and grow in my faith. So a lot of my posts will probably deal with the challenge, seeing as how it will consume a big part of my life for the next few months!

The Amazing Love of Christ

Since my last post, I have really sought God on the condition on my heart, and am overwhelmed at his response. Now, I know that not a lot of people read my blog, but there is always that fear that I am going to write something really personal and someone will judge me for it or just write me off. But I feel like I have gotten over that, at least for today. So, I am going to write about the amazing revelation that has occurred in my life this past week.
I have been on a journey to lose weight since my junior year of college. Before that, I had worked out, eaten salads, etc., but never really dug in. Obviously, I have never been consistent enough to see results. I put this desire, this THING (as it has become) to the side, focusing on being healthy in all other aspects of my life. The task of being fit was daunting; every time I would eat crap, I would have this out of body experience, watching myself eat, just saying "Caty, what are you doing? Why are you eating that?" but would continue. Eat, chew, work out, whine that I didn't lose.
Many of you know that I have become a Turbo Kick junkie. I started doing it in college, and have been off and on with it. In April I got certified to teach it, a step in good faith, but still look the same because of my inconsistency. Last week I was sitting there, reading blogs of many of my fitness heroes, (Chalene Johnson, Mindy Lawhorne, Michelle Myers, etc) and all of a sudden it clicked: I wasn't anywhere near healthy in any other arena in my life. My loathing of my own body has overflowed into my spiritual life, my social life, my love life, etc. It has become my crutch for failure. Anytime I get rejected by a guy, I think to myself, "It must be because I am too fat. Well I don't want to date a jerk like that anyway." I blamed God for not helping me out along the way. My feelings about myself affected how I communicated with people. All of this came rushing in last week while I was at work, almost immediately after my little hissy fit on my last post. I decided that enough was enough, and that I was done settling for unhealthiness if I ever wanted to be free of this mess that I call food.
Until last week, I didn't realize how much control food had over me. It literally has become an obstacle blocking communication between me and God. As silly as that seems, I see the proof in it now that I have been faithful to work out and eat healthy for just a week. Just ONE WEEK. And I feel so light spiritually, this freedom within me!
I have also come to accept the fact that I cannot start finding reasons to be rejected. I am content being single, but guess what...I want a relationship when God deems the timing right, and there is NOTHING wrong with that! If I can accept that it's not about my weight, but maybe this negative aura I carry around, then maybe I will be even more okay. I can't control that arena of my life...but I can control being the best ME I can be. God can use me right now, and I want to really be obedient to that. That was a hard realization yesterday...I felt really alone for about 10 seconds and then....(now you can choose to believe me or not) I heard God say to me, "You are my child, and you are NEVER alone." Seriously...first time that's happened in a while. So I have been repeating that to myself over and over...and I know that eventually I will start to believe it!
I must say, it's amazing how much Jesus loves me. He never gives up on me, even when I am impossibly pig headed and stubborn. And now, I won't give up on me either...because I know I am not doing this alone.

Ranting

I am about to go on a little rant. No one is forcing you to read it, so go ahead and hit the "Back" button if you don't want to hear my irrational girl qualms. K...so evidently, because I happen to be out of college and single, that makes me the poster child for single women??? Um, I think not. I don't think I have reached the point of taking my vow of celibacy and joining the convent. I have not stepped on this pedestal of singleness and said, "I have chosen to shun relationships and shall show all of you how to live your lives fully content with being single!!" I have reached a place in my life that I am content with how things are for now, and am being patient about God's timing in the matter. Please don't give me ammunition to fire back at you, you well meaning people who think that I am one of THOSE women. Do I have a briefcase in my hand? Do I wear power suits? Do I have a blackberry? No. I am barely getting by financially, all the while thinking "Man, double income would sure be nice." My career ambition: to be a wife and a mom. So there. Please do not ask me to be the leader for Single Women United...not happening. I am just saying, I think I would know if I were called to be single, and HELLO I AM 23. Not like the reproductive system is drying up yet.
K I am done. Thank you blogger for providing an outlet before I breathed fire onto some unknowing pedestrian.

Birthday thoughts

On Saturday, I will be 23 years old. To me, this is a random age. However, this is the first time that I feel like I really belong in the adult world. Is that weird? I have been out of college for a year, work all of the time, go to bed early, etc. All of these things fit the profile of an adult. But I think that there is so much more to it than that. For the first time in my life, I feel a level of contentment at what comes my way. Not to say that I don't struggle with it at times, but for the most part I feel at peace about God's timing and provision. This is also odd to me because right now, I feel like life is at its craziest. I am trying to continue to be a light in a dark place, and the feeling is good.
Not to say that there aren't things I miss...I love the freedom of going where you want when you want, to travel abroad at the drop of a hat, to not do my own taxes...lol. But I don't resent adulthood for that. I know that if its God's will for me to do those things, it will happen.
Nothing profound today...just some things I am reflecting on.