In doing the 21 Day Challenge in which I read the book of Romans bit by bit each day, I am becoming more in tune with what God is telling me each and every day. With that comes the conviction of the Holy Spirit, which has not been absent from my life but significantly decreased. Things have been so wonderful in the past year and I have become extremely comfortable with the mountaintop. However, I feel that I have been made aware of something I definitely need to work on, and that is patience.
Tonight, this was ever present in my head and heart as I read my chapters (I forgot yesterday). I've spent the past week or so giving myself little pep talks here and there about contentment, relaxing, not controlling situations, and all of the other fun things that go along with correcting a lack of patience in life. However, tonight was the first time I've actually felt convicted about it. I remember when I was a kid, I used to pray "Lord, if I can just live until I am 16 so that I can date and drive, I promise I'll never ask for anything again." Seriously? It makes me laugh just thinking about it. But the truth is, I tend to live my life in continual pursuit of "the next step." I stop living in the "now" and begin to make plans as to what should happen next. Oh, if I had a dollar for every bargain with God that I've made out of impatience!
I realized in the past several hours that for me to refuse the enjoyment of God's blessings in my life is selfish and spoiled. It is selfish both towards God and to anyone else involved. Who am I to decide the natural order of things in life, both little or big? When did it become my job to orchestrate the comings and goings of the world around me? When did I stop living by faith and instead living by sight?
Romans 3 and 4 talk a lot about faith. I was reminded that the people running hard after God's heart were most often unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel, let alone the next step. Abraham specifically is used as an example of someone who understood the power of faith over works. I can sit and try to become the puppet master of my own life, or I can allow God to continue to bless me in the way in which He deems fit, and in the timing which He sees necessary. In the grand scheme of things, my life is but a vapor. It's ridiculous that I seem unable to see past the end of my nose when it comes to certain things.
I challenge my readers to take some time in the next day or so to reflect on your ability to appreciate your blessings and trust in God's timing. I ask you to partner with me in prayer that we will be able to be like Abraham, a generation who truly walks by faith.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Day 2, Romans 2
Well, here we go. Two days in a row! I feel good about that accomplishment. Hey, it's the little things. Anyhoo, here we go.
I love what Chapter 2 reveals about the impartiality of God. Paul hits the nail on the head when he says that when we judge one another, we condemn ourselves (v. 2). So often, we do not trust God to take care of His business with other people. I know how guilty I have been of this, often times calling it accountability or "church discipline." Not that either of those things are bad in and of themselves, but it is not my job to become the Jesus Police. Just because someone is doing something that I don't think is the right thing to do, I don't have the right to assume how God is going to handle it and decide in my head and heart what kind of person that individual is.
He continues on, referring to the gap between Jews and Gentiles, but the message is applicable for us all: "You who preach that one shall not steal, do you steal? You who say that one should not commit adultery, do you commit adultery? You who abhor idols, do you rob temples? You who boast in the Law, through your breaking the Law, do you dishonor God?" (v. 21-23) The most important part of "following the Law" is to continually self-check. Ugh...no matter how long I have been fighting this, these verses are a huge slap in the face. Even today, I have definitely cast judgement on more than one individual, even though I sit here having allowed myself to become more distant with God out of sheer laziness. Bam. Conviction. Thanks, Holy Spirit.
All that to say, my concern needs to shift to the point where it is about me and Jesus...no one else. I can encourage, I can speak truth, but cannot allow myself to put myself into God's shoes in their lives.
Sidenote: One thing that I have realized in the past 24 hours is that I can easily talk about God being first in my life, but is He really? Do I genuinely love Him more than certain individuals in my life, or do I say this out of duty and habit? Just a thought.
I love what Chapter 2 reveals about the impartiality of God. Paul hits the nail on the head when he says that when we judge one another, we condemn ourselves (v. 2). So often, we do not trust God to take care of His business with other people. I know how guilty I have been of this, often times calling it accountability or "church discipline." Not that either of those things are bad in and of themselves, but it is not my job to become the Jesus Police. Just because someone is doing something that I don't think is the right thing to do, I don't have the right to assume how God is going to handle it and decide in my head and heart what kind of person that individual is.
He continues on, referring to the gap between Jews and Gentiles, but the message is applicable for us all: "You who preach that one shall not steal, do you steal? You who say that one should not commit adultery, do you commit adultery? You who abhor idols, do you rob temples? You who boast in the Law, through your breaking the Law, do you dishonor God?" (v. 21-23) The most important part of "following the Law" is to continually self-check. Ugh...no matter how long I have been fighting this, these verses are a huge slap in the face. Even today, I have definitely cast judgement on more than one individual, even though I sit here having allowed myself to become more distant with God out of sheer laziness. Bam. Conviction. Thanks, Holy Spirit.
All that to say, my concern needs to shift to the point where it is about me and Jesus...no one else. I can encourage, I can speak truth, but cannot allow myself to put myself into God's shoes in their lives.
Sidenote: One thing that I have realized in the past 24 hours is that I can easily talk about God being first in my life, but is He really? Do I genuinely love Him more than certain individuals in my life, or do I say this out of duty and habit? Just a thought.
Monday, July 26, 2010
21 Day Challenge, Post 1, Romans 1
It's a fact that habits are so much more difficult to begin than to maintain. However, when life hits you like a ton of bricks, it seems like the best habits for you are the first to go. For me, reading the Bible has become this habit that I have let go to the wayside. I remember being at Starbucks every morning last year at 6:45, getting 30 minutes of reading and reflection in before work. Now I scramble out the door and allow myself to be filled with mindless activity, forgetting the passages I've previously hidden in my heart. In part, I've fought getting back into the habit due to my hatred of legalism, but most of it is just laziness. This past Sunday, Paul issued a challenge to us all to read the Bible every day for 21 days. He gave different passages for people in different walks of faith, and the one I chose is Romans. So...in order to stay accountable, I am going to try and blog about each chapter that I read...I'll summarize, reflect, and question/apply. I welcome thoughts and will do better about commenting back.
That said, let's get crackin'.
In my Bible, Chapter 1 is divided up into 2 segments: "The Gospel Exalted" (v. 1-17) and "Unbelief and its Consequences" (v. 18-32). I'm going to talk about each separately and do my best to not put my own truth into it...sigh. Harder than it seems.
Reaction to writing about Part 1:
Part one is composed of mostly introductory stuff. Paul is writing a letter to the believers in Rome. First and foremost, I've always loved Paul. He's a stud. The books of the NT that he wrote have always been my favorites...I don't know, maybe it's his unapologetic viewpoint that just resonates with me. Anyway, most of the time I skim through this part, but I made myself focus on each verse this time. One thing that I noticed is that Paul is using this opportunity to fervently encourage his fellow believers. He tells them: "unceasingly I make mention of you, always in my prayers making request...for I long to see you...that is, that I may be encouraged together with you while among you, each of us by the other's faith, both yours and mine" (v. 10-12). I love this example of Christian encouragement. Paul has been separated from this body of believers for some time, yet he maintains this relational aspect of their connection. They are not just "Christians" who are hosting a guest speaker. They truly love each other in Christ and do the best they can to meet each other's needs. I imagine Paul finally arriving to Rome and asking them "What can I do for you? How can I serve you?" and vice versa.
I also love the point of this encouragement. It is not for self-righteousness or an ego boost...it is so that the gospel is preached. Verse 16 is a widely known verse: "I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes, to the Jew first and also to the Greek." The love Paul expresses and receives for/from Christ is not exclusive. It is accessible to anyone! The way in which he "preaches" this in the beginning of this letter is simply by expressing his love. I love this. To quote Paul Mints, "This is a football." Going back to the basics...the love of Christ brings the free gift of salvation to any who will receive it.
This next part isn't so fun. Reaction to having to write about Part 2:
Ugh. It's so much more fun to talk about encouragement than sin. Seriously. But I am going to hash it all out and be honest about what I think and whether or not it lines up with God's word. Suck.
Paul begins talking about ungodliness and God's reaction to it. I've never really thought about it before, but this passage reeks of the consequences of free will. The people he is talking about know the truth of God...they have seen His creation, His power, etc. but are choosing to live ungodly lives, which is "suppressing the truth in unrighteousness," i.e. becoming a stumbling block for those around them seeking the truth. These are the individuals that have "exchanged the glory of the incorruptible God for an image in the form of corruptible man..." (v. 23) In this instance, Paul means a tangible idol, but I think that it can be applied to anything we place before Christ. Now, note the wording of the next verse here: the Word says "For this reason God gave them over in the lusts of their hearts..." Never does it say "smote" or "hatefully caused"...God simply allowed them to do what they wanted to do. He gave them the choice. He allowed the sin they so readily ate up to consume them. Translation in Caty-ese: Satan uses free will to lead us on the path of destruction, and God loves us enough to let us choose, even though He knows what is best. Wow, what it must be like to be God. I would be horrible at it. I'd get so annoyed with people making stupid decisions I'd just wipe them out or use some excellent mind control technique or something. Again, thank goodness we don't have any Caty Almighty stuff going on up in here.
The next part is something that I will be blogging about in a series I plan on attempting called "Taboo Topics." While Paul is talking about this refusal on God's part to turn us into robots, he specifically addresses the issue of homosexuality: "For this reason God gave them over to degrading passions; for their women exchanged the natural function for that which is unnatural, and in the same way also the men abandoned the natural function of the woman and burned in their desire toward one another, men with men committing indecent acts and receiving in their own persons the due penalty of their error" (v. 26-27). For those of you chomping at the bit, I promise I'm not stopping there and will give full attention to the context of the verses around it. But when things get right down to it, the word of God is examining the sexual relationship between members of the same sex, and is categorizing it as ungodly. I'll be honest: I HATE THIS. I hate that this is the truth that I'm finding. I have friends who are homosexual. They are wonderful people. I love them dearly. So does God. And not just in a "love them to Jesus" way..for me, there is no "us" and "them." The next few verses provide a little relief from this heart pang, and really puts a lot of the self-righteousness out there to rest.
Last few verses:
Other ungodly acts/characteristics listed in the remaining verses are as follows: unrighteousness, wickedness, greed, evil, envy, murder, strife, deceit, malice, gossiping, slander, hate, insolence, arrogance, pride, disobedience to parents, refusing to understand, untrustworthiness, unloving, unmerciful....wow. If you think for one second you haven't been on that list, get a reality check. I don't know why Paul goes into detail about homosexuality and not the other things...honestly my guess is that he wanted to be able to explain what he meant, because sexuality in and of itself is not a sin...perhaps he wanted to clarify. I don't know. Another blog, another time. But, bottom line, sin is sin. It's all bad. It's all consuming. There is no sin that is only "kind of ungodly." Anyway, what we end with here at the end of chapter 1 is the process of being encouraged, followed shortly by a brutal beating in which we realize that we are irrevocably screwed up and that we did it to ourselves. Awesome.
I hate ending with that, but I am not going to skip ahead. I will be writing some thoughts about Chapter 2 tomorrow. Please join me in this challenge! It's not too late!
Peace.
-Caty
That said, let's get crackin'.
In my Bible, Chapter 1 is divided up into 2 segments: "The Gospel Exalted" (v. 1-17) and "Unbelief and its Consequences" (v. 18-32). I'm going to talk about each separately and do my best to not put my own truth into it...sigh. Harder than it seems.
Reaction to writing about Part 1:
Part one is composed of mostly introductory stuff. Paul is writing a letter to the believers in Rome. First and foremost, I've always loved Paul. He's a stud. The books of the NT that he wrote have always been my favorites...I don't know, maybe it's his unapologetic viewpoint that just resonates with me. Anyway, most of the time I skim through this part, but I made myself focus on each verse this time. One thing that I noticed is that Paul is using this opportunity to fervently encourage his fellow believers. He tells them: "unceasingly I make mention of you, always in my prayers making request...for I long to see you...that is, that I may be encouraged together with you while among you, each of us by the other's faith, both yours and mine" (v. 10-12). I love this example of Christian encouragement. Paul has been separated from this body of believers for some time, yet he maintains this relational aspect of their connection. They are not just "Christians" who are hosting a guest speaker. They truly love each other in Christ and do the best they can to meet each other's needs. I imagine Paul finally arriving to Rome and asking them "What can I do for you? How can I serve you?" and vice versa.
I also love the point of this encouragement. It is not for self-righteousness or an ego boost...it is so that the gospel is preached. Verse 16 is a widely known verse: "I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes, to the Jew first and also to the Greek." The love Paul expresses and receives for/from Christ is not exclusive. It is accessible to anyone! The way in which he "preaches" this in the beginning of this letter is simply by expressing his love. I love this. To quote Paul Mints, "This is a football." Going back to the basics...the love of Christ brings the free gift of salvation to any who will receive it.
This next part isn't so fun. Reaction to having to write about Part 2:
Ugh. It's so much more fun to talk about encouragement than sin. Seriously. But I am going to hash it all out and be honest about what I think and whether or not it lines up with God's word. Suck.
Paul begins talking about ungodliness and God's reaction to it. I've never really thought about it before, but this passage reeks of the consequences of free will. The people he is talking about know the truth of God...they have seen His creation, His power, etc. but are choosing to live ungodly lives, which is "suppressing the truth in unrighteousness," i.e. becoming a stumbling block for those around them seeking the truth. These are the individuals that have "exchanged the glory of the incorruptible God for an image in the form of corruptible man..." (v. 23) In this instance, Paul means a tangible idol, but I think that it can be applied to anything we place before Christ. Now, note the wording of the next verse here: the Word says "For this reason God gave them over in the lusts of their hearts..." Never does it say "smote" or "hatefully caused"...God simply allowed them to do what they wanted to do. He gave them the choice. He allowed the sin they so readily ate up to consume them. Translation in Caty-ese: Satan uses free will to lead us on the path of destruction, and God loves us enough to let us choose, even though He knows what is best. Wow, what it must be like to be God. I would be horrible at it. I'd get so annoyed with people making stupid decisions I'd just wipe them out or use some excellent mind control technique or something. Again, thank goodness we don't have any Caty Almighty stuff going on up in here.
The next part is something that I will be blogging about in a series I plan on attempting called "Taboo Topics." While Paul is talking about this refusal on God's part to turn us into robots, he specifically addresses the issue of homosexuality: "For this reason God gave them over to degrading passions; for their women exchanged the natural function for that which is unnatural, and in the same way also the men abandoned the natural function of the woman and burned in their desire toward one another, men with men committing indecent acts and receiving in their own persons the due penalty of their error" (v. 26-27). For those of you chomping at the bit, I promise I'm not stopping there and will give full attention to the context of the verses around it. But when things get right down to it, the word of God is examining the sexual relationship between members of the same sex, and is categorizing it as ungodly. I'll be honest: I HATE THIS. I hate that this is the truth that I'm finding. I have friends who are homosexual. They are wonderful people. I love them dearly. So does God. And not just in a "love them to Jesus" way..for me, there is no "us" and "them." The next few verses provide a little relief from this heart pang, and really puts a lot of the self-righteousness out there to rest.
Last few verses:
Other ungodly acts/characteristics listed in the remaining verses are as follows: unrighteousness, wickedness, greed, evil, envy, murder, strife, deceit, malice, gossiping, slander, hate, insolence, arrogance, pride, disobedience to parents, refusing to understand, untrustworthiness, unloving, unmerciful....wow. If you think for one second you haven't been on that list, get a reality check. I don't know why Paul goes into detail about homosexuality and not the other things...honestly my guess is that he wanted to be able to explain what he meant, because sexuality in and of itself is not a sin...perhaps he wanted to clarify. I don't know. Another blog, another time. But, bottom line, sin is sin. It's all bad. It's all consuming. There is no sin that is only "kind of ungodly." Anyway, what we end with here at the end of chapter 1 is the process of being encouraged, followed shortly by a brutal beating in which we realize that we are irrevocably screwed up and that we did it to ourselves. Awesome.
I hate ending with that, but I am not going to skip ahead. I will be writing some thoughts about Chapter 2 tomorrow. Please join me in this challenge! It's not too late!
Peace.
-Caty
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Faces of a Woman
A couple of weeks ago, our pastor preached a sermon in a series called "Life's Toughest Questions." We discussed the idea of manhood, specifically what it looks like to be a godly man. Paul talked about the four faces of a godly man, which you can listen to here. The four he listed were the King, the Warrior, the Lover, and the Friend. It was quite excellent. Since that Sunday, I have been trying to apply the same principles to my own sex: What are the faces of a godly woman? Here are some of the ideas that I have.
Face #1: The Princess
As a little girl, I was told quite often that I was a princess. Most of us girls eat the fairy tales up, and don't EVEN tell me you never had a Disney Princess costume. I was all about Cinderella and Ariel, myself. In Psalm 45, though it doesn't specifically call us royalty, God's love for us is articulated in this way: "The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor Him, because He is your lord" (v. 11). Zephaniah talks about God being a great warrior in our midst who quiets us with His love, and rejoices over us with singing. As a woman, we live life perpetually asking the subliminal question: am I beautiful? We ask this in how we dress, how we act around men, our relationships with our fathers, etc. As a godly woman, we must embrace the God-given role we have, as His cherished one, the beloved of the king.
There are a couple of distortions of this. On one hand, there is the diva. The diva is self-centered and self-righteous. She is entitled to receive everything she wants and bails when things do not go her way. The other distortion is the pauper. The pauper does not acknowledge any worth at all. She feels worthless and allows other people to tell her who she is and isn't. She is afraid of being beautiful and does not acknowledge God's love as an active agent in her life.
Face #2: The Fighter
Any woman who has ever seen someone she loved being threatened has in some way or another become the Fighter. Women are ferocious defenders of what is theirs...specifically loved ones. I know that as much as I hate conflict, the times in my life I have felt infuriated and bold are when someone is physically, emotionally, or mentally hurting people who are close to me. Family, friends, boyfriend, you name it. There is no limit to what the fighter will do for her family and for her God. She lives her faith with boldness and confidence and refuses to compromise her integrity. She stands for what is right, even when it is not popular.
The first distortion of this is the bully. Most of the time, I think this manifests itself when a woman has been beat down by men (again, not always just physically) and has decided to be Ms. Independent to the extreme. The powerhouse woman who feels good when she makes someone else, especially a man, feel inferior, the woman who manipulates in order to get her way, etc. The other distortion is the victim. This woman allows herself to be run over. She does not understand her worth, so she does nothing to protect herself. She allows the world to live her life for her, instead of taking the wheel herself.
Face #3: The Nurturer
It is in the nature of a woman to look after the well being of others. I am not a mother, yet I still possess and express this quality. In the creation account, Eve is created as a helpmate to Adam; she is someone who is entrusted to look after him, to partner with him in life and in love. It is in our blood to actively love. As a wife, the nurturer values her husband, makes him feel loved, appreciated, special...like he can take on the world. As a mother, the nurturer entrusts in her children the ability to thrive, to grow up, to develop a positive character, to feel safe. As a woman in general, the nurturer manifests herself in her ability to show compassion upon people of all shapes and sizes, to meet the needs of others as best she can.
I see the first distortion of the nurturer as the "momma bear." The momma bear will not allow independence in the ones she nurtures. Her husband feels suffocated, her children become dependent on her or resentful, depending on experience, and her friends see her as insecure and unrealistic. The momma bear finds self worth in how much other people need her. The opposite distortion is the cynic. The cynic feels that it is the hard knocks of life that teach people how to be who they are. They show little compassion and sympathy for others, see tears as weakness, and refuse to take an active role in loving their loved ones. To the cynic, love is not something that is actively expressed, but simply understood.
Face #4: The Friend
This final face of a woman is the same as the last face of the man, but I think it is equally important for both similar and different reasons. Women are sharers. We share our lives with others. It is this contact with other women that keeps us sane...our ability to verbally process our lives, to joke about things that men do not understand, to feel as though being stressed to the max is not only okay but understandable...these are the connections we need. As a verbal processor, it is important for me to continuously connect with my friends. I bounce ideas off of them, I allow myself to be completely real, in the hopes of making even stronger connections. As Christians, we need this connection to people of our own gender. I do not know of a single woman who is both healthy and happy yet is missing the bond of other women to keep them grounded.
Distortions of this are both the clingy one and the loner; people who can't function without their friends, and people who withdraw from social situations. Neither of these are glorifying to God or enjoyable. In Ecclesiastes, there is a verse that says "A cord of three strands is not easily broken." How true! I have been able to stand independently, on my own two feet, through the love and compassion of my friends.
These are merely my interpretations on what Paul's sermon looks like for women. Any thoughts? Opinions? Disagreements?
Face #1: The Princess
As a little girl, I was told quite often that I was a princess. Most of us girls eat the fairy tales up, and don't EVEN tell me you never had a Disney Princess costume. I was all about Cinderella and Ariel, myself. In Psalm 45, though it doesn't specifically call us royalty, God's love for us is articulated in this way: "The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor Him, because He is your lord" (v. 11). Zephaniah talks about God being a great warrior in our midst who quiets us with His love, and rejoices over us with singing. As a woman, we live life perpetually asking the subliminal question: am I beautiful? We ask this in how we dress, how we act around men, our relationships with our fathers, etc. As a godly woman, we must embrace the God-given role we have, as His cherished one, the beloved of the king.
There are a couple of distortions of this. On one hand, there is the diva. The diva is self-centered and self-righteous. She is entitled to receive everything she wants and bails when things do not go her way. The other distortion is the pauper. The pauper does not acknowledge any worth at all. She feels worthless and allows other people to tell her who she is and isn't. She is afraid of being beautiful and does not acknowledge God's love as an active agent in her life.
Face #2: The Fighter
Any woman who has ever seen someone she loved being threatened has in some way or another become the Fighter. Women are ferocious defenders of what is theirs...specifically loved ones. I know that as much as I hate conflict, the times in my life I have felt infuriated and bold are when someone is physically, emotionally, or mentally hurting people who are close to me. Family, friends, boyfriend, you name it. There is no limit to what the fighter will do for her family and for her God. She lives her faith with boldness and confidence and refuses to compromise her integrity. She stands for what is right, even when it is not popular.
The first distortion of this is the bully. Most of the time, I think this manifests itself when a woman has been beat down by men (again, not always just physically) and has decided to be Ms. Independent to the extreme. The powerhouse woman who feels good when she makes someone else, especially a man, feel inferior, the woman who manipulates in order to get her way, etc. The other distortion is the victim. This woman allows herself to be run over. She does not understand her worth, so she does nothing to protect herself. She allows the world to live her life for her, instead of taking the wheel herself.
Face #3: The Nurturer
It is in the nature of a woman to look after the well being of others. I am not a mother, yet I still possess and express this quality. In the creation account, Eve is created as a helpmate to Adam; she is someone who is entrusted to look after him, to partner with him in life and in love. It is in our blood to actively love. As a wife, the nurturer values her husband, makes him feel loved, appreciated, special...like he can take on the world. As a mother, the nurturer entrusts in her children the ability to thrive, to grow up, to develop a positive character, to feel safe. As a woman in general, the nurturer manifests herself in her ability to show compassion upon people of all shapes and sizes, to meet the needs of others as best she can.
I see the first distortion of the nurturer as the "momma bear." The momma bear will not allow independence in the ones she nurtures. Her husband feels suffocated, her children become dependent on her or resentful, depending on experience, and her friends see her as insecure and unrealistic. The momma bear finds self worth in how much other people need her. The opposite distortion is the cynic. The cynic feels that it is the hard knocks of life that teach people how to be who they are. They show little compassion and sympathy for others, see tears as weakness, and refuse to take an active role in loving their loved ones. To the cynic, love is not something that is actively expressed, but simply understood.
Face #4: The Friend
This final face of a woman is the same as the last face of the man, but I think it is equally important for both similar and different reasons. Women are sharers. We share our lives with others. It is this contact with other women that keeps us sane...our ability to verbally process our lives, to joke about things that men do not understand, to feel as though being stressed to the max is not only okay but understandable...these are the connections we need. As a verbal processor, it is important for me to continuously connect with my friends. I bounce ideas off of them, I allow myself to be completely real, in the hopes of making even stronger connections. As Christians, we need this connection to people of our own gender. I do not know of a single woman who is both healthy and happy yet is missing the bond of other women to keep them grounded.
Distortions of this are both the clingy one and the loner; people who can't function without their friends, and people who withdraw from social situations. Neither of these are glorifying to God or enjoyable. In Ecclesiastes, there is a verse that says "A cord of three strands is not easily broken." How true! I have been able to stand independently, on my own two feet, through the love and compassion of my friends.
These are merely my interpretations on what Paul's sermon looks like for women. Any thoughts? Opinions? Disagreements?
Friday, July 2, 2010
A Single Girl's Rant that Will Likely Tick You Off if You are Married
An hour after feeling so sleepy I could barely keep my eyes open, I find myself wide awake and hating the fact that I need to get up in 6 hours to work out. So naturally, the cure would be to revive this dusty old blog and process through a rant that has been building up for probably a month or so.
Disclaimer: Yes, I am aware that I am not married, nor have I ever been married. I have probably dated less people than you, so you probably are right about the fact that I am young, naiive, and don't know what I am talking about. If it ticks you off, don't read my blog.
Other Disclaimer: If you do read, please read all the way through, so that you don't think that I'm a Debbie Downer on life...I promise I say nice things too.
Since I was a little girl, I have dreamed of what it would be like to grow up, meet Prince Charming, get married and start a family. I had a dress up trunk that had a toddler sized white dress with a veil and tiara, and my friends and I traded off being the bride. I think most little girls do this, and if not, then they should. It's a great time. My parents got a divorce when I was 5, but thanks to maturity and love for me from both ends, I think that I avoided the cynicism towards love and marriage that many kids from a "broken home" experience (I don't consider mine broken but that's the only term I can think of). As I got older, several of my friends went through similar experiences, but it never bothered me or seemed weird. Even in college, when my friends' parents would suddenly split, we would talk about it as if it were several degrees of separation between us and them...and I guess it was.
Now I am almost 24, going on my 3rd year out of school, and I feel almost blindsided by the amount of marriages I see falling apart. People falling out of love, cheating, lying, shutting down emotionally, purposely hurting one another, hurting their children, and consequently hurting themselves. Perhaps it is because the trend has shifted from parents of friends to friends themselves, I don't know, but I suddenly see so many people whom I have known in their "in love" phases drastically come to a place where they question why they are married at all. Names continuously change back and forth on Facebook as "so and so" switches back to her maiden name because the first marriage just "didn't work out." I'm going to be honest...I hate it and it makes me sick.
Here is what I don't understand: when you stand at the altar and repeat the vows presented before you, and you heard the words "For Better or Worse..." what part of "Worse" did you not understand? The covenant that you are making, broken down, is this: No matter how good it gets, or how BAD it gets, I will be faithful to love you though it. Were you just so excited to have sex with the person that you were blanking out through your vows? Were you just trying to make the other person happy? Did you think that the "worse" aspect would never happen to you, that you were the exception? Now, please hear me, there are a couple of things not included in this blanket statement. If you are getting beaten, or if your children are in danger, GET OUT. If your spouse cheats on you, you have the biblical right to end things if you so choose. But the "I just don't love him/her anymore" line does not fly with me. At all. Here's why.
I have had several people give me crap about the infatuation stage of a relationship. "Well, it's all fun and games now, Skinner," they say, "but wait until you stop being so INFATUATED with one another. Then the real work begins." Ok, you know what? Guess who is not a complete and total idiot? This girl. I am aware that, at one point or another in a relationship, there comes a few times when you have to choose to love a person not out of the butterflies in your stomach, but because you have committed to do so. I don't claim to know when this will happen or how it will manifest itself, but it's going to happen. For my pastor, he said it happened both 6 months after his marriage as well as about 7 years in. But guess what? I sure as hell am not going to sit there on my butt, say to myself, "Oh crap, this sucks, guess everyone was right," and not do anything about it. You know why? Because my marriage will fall apart.
If you know me, you know that I am a planner, and a proactive one at that. I like to take all sorts of preventative measures to avoid conflict, drama, and other issues. Same with marriage. I think that having a realistic expectation of marriage is so important, and I think that by knowing it won't always be perfect, I'll have a better perspective when conflict arises. When I see something in my character or personality now that I forsee causing issues later, I nip it in the bud. Example: me and conflict. I hate conflict and have in the past refused to speak up because I feel stupid. I've now committed to myself that, if something is wrong, no matter how stupid I think it is, I make myself voice it. Also, if you know me, you also know that when I love someone, I love them fiercely, with all of my being, and will fight for them. You better believe that if I am committing my life to you, that I will fight for "us" with everything that is in me. I will do whatever it takes to keep my marriage together, to actively love my spouse, no matter what.
I feel like I sound like I'm pessimistic about the whole thing, but I am soooo not. I love the idea of marriage and am excited about being married someday. I believe that, when I get married, it will be the most wonderful decision besides accepting Christ as my Savior that I will make. I see many examples of marriages that just overflow love and contentment. My family shows me that kind of love and commitment every day that I am around them. That's my point. I'm 23 (almost 24) years old...there is a lot about the future that I don't know. What if I can't have kids? What if one of my parents dies? What if a parent of my spouse dies? What if, what if, what if....there are a lot of things that could happen that would put a strain on two people trying to love each other through the better and worse of life. But all I know is, on my end at least, there is nothing that can or will happen that will kill my passion for what is right, what honors the Lord, and what furthers my ability to love.
Furthermore, I think it is extremely selfish to say that you are done trying to make it work. Yeah, I know. Your spouse is a jerk. He/she doesn't appreciate you. He/she doesn't meet your needs. Well, duh! Only God can do that! He is the one who will make you feel like you are worth anything. He is the only stable, perfect source of love in your life that will not let you down. All you can control is how you love others, not how they love you in return. Humble yourself enough to do what it takes, whether that be praying for the ability to love your spouse, going to see a counselor, talking to the pastor of your church, all of the above. Make. It. Happen...at least on your end. Then you can at least say that you have done everything you can do. Do not play the "what if" game...there is no "what if." Make your current situation as good as it can be instead of playing out scenarios that will not happen.
As hard as it is to believe, I say all of this partially out of anger, but mostly out of love and pain for my brothers and sisters in Christ who are allowing Satan to have a stronghold in their marriage. DO NOT let him win! God intends marriage to be the ultimate culmination here on earth, an act of worship allowing us to have a deeper picture of His love for us. Allow God to work in your lives, to draw you closer to Him THROUGH the ups and downs of life...don't avoid them and allow the enemy to speak his lies into your heart. Take a stand. Stand for what's right.
Sidenote: I do not believe that I, nor most of the friends I have that are accused of this, am "infatuated." It's called being in love. Let us enjoy it instead of trying to make other people feel guilty for being happy.
I welcome all feedback, positive and negative, and am willing to discuss this issue further, though I stand by my own convictions and will not likely change my mind.
Disclaimer: Yes, I am aware that I am not married, nor have I ever been married. I have probably dated less people than you, so you probably are right about the fact that I am young, naiive, and don't know what I am talking about. If it ticks you off, don't read my blog.
Other Disclaimer: If you do read, please read all the way through, so that you don't think that I'm a Debbie Downer on life...I promise I say nice things too.
Since I was a little girl, I have dreamed of what it would be like to grow up, meet Prince Charming, get married and start a family. I had a dress up trunk that had a toddler sized white dress with a veil and tiara, and my friends and I traded off being the bride. I think most little girls do this, and if not, then they should. It's a great time. My parents got a divorce when I was 5, but thanks to maturity and love for me from both ends, I think that I avoided the cynicism towards love and marriage that many kids from a "broken home" experience (I don't consider mine broken but that's the only term I can think of). As I got older, several of my friends went through similar experiences, but it never bothered me or seemed weird. Even in college, when my friends' parents would suddenly split, we would talk about it as if it were several degrees of separation between us and them...and I guess it was.
Now I am almost 24, going on my 3rd year out of school, and I feel almost blindsided by the amount of marriages I see falling apart. People falling out of love, cheating, lying, shutting down emotionally, purposely hurting one another, hurting their children, and consequently hurting themselves. Perhaps it is because the trend has shifted from parents of friends to friends themselves, I don't know, but I suddenly see so many people whom I have known in their "in love" phases drastically come to a place where they question why they are married at all. Names continuously change back and forth on Facebook as "so and so" switches back to her maiden name because the first marriage just "didn't work out." I'm going to be honest...I hate it and it makes me sick.
Here is what I don't understand: when you stand at the altar and repeat the vows presented before you, and you heard the words "For Better or Worse..." what part of "Worse" did you not understand? The covenant that you are making, broken down, is this: No matter how good it gets, or how BAD it gets, I will be faithful to love you though it. Were you just so excited to have sex with the person that you were blanking out through your vows? Were you just trying to make the other person happy? Did you think that the "worse" aspect would never happen to you, that you were the exception? Now, please hear me, there are a couple of things not included in this blanket statement. If you are getting beaten, or if your children are in danger, GET OUT. If your spouse cheats on you, you have the biblical right to end things if you so choose. But the "I just don't love him/her anymore" line does not fly with me. At all. Here's why.
I have had several people give me crap about the infatuation stage of a relationship. "Well, it's all fun and games now, Skinner," they say, "but wait until you stop being so INFATUATED with one another. Then the real work begins." Ok, you know what? Guess who is not a complete and total idiot? This girl. I am aware that, at one point or another in a relationship, there comes a few times when you have to choose to love a person not out of the butterflies in your stomach, but because you have committed to do so. I don't claim to know when this will happen or how it will manifest itself, but it's going to happen. For my pastor, he said it happened both 6 months after his marriage as well as about 7 years in. But guess what? I sure as hell am not going to sit there on my butt, say to myself, "Oh crap, this sucks, guess everyone was right," and not do anything about it. You know why? Because my marriage will fall apart.
If you know me, you know that I am a planner, and a proactive one at that. I like to take all sorts of preventative measures to avoid conflict, drama, and other issues. Same with marriage. I think that having a realistic expectation of marriage is so important, and I think that by knowing it won't always be perfect, I'll have a better perspective when conflict arises. When I see something in my character or personality now that I forsee causing issues later, I nip it in the bud. Example: me and conflict. I hate conflict and have in the past refused to speak up because I feel stupid. I've now committed to myself that, if something is wrong, no matter how stupid I think it is, I make myself voice it. Also, if you know me, you also know that when I love someone, I love them fiercely, with all of my being, and will fight for them. You better believe that if I am committing my life to you, that I will fight for "us" with everything that is in me. I will do whatever it takes to keep my marriage together, to actively love my spouse, no matter what.
I feel like I sound like I'm pessimistic about the whole thing, but I am soooo not. I love the idea of marriage and am excited about being married someday. I believe that, when I get married, it will be the most wonderful decision besides accepting Christ as my Savior that I will make. I see many examples of marriages that just overflow love and contentment. My family shows me that kind of love and commitment every day that I am around them. That's my point. I'm 23 (almost 24) years old...there is a lot about the future that I don't know. What if I can't have kids? What if one of my parents dies? What if a parent of my spouse dies? What if, what if, what if....there are a lot of things that could happen that would put a strain on two people trying to love each other through the better and worse of life. But all I know is, on my end at least, there is nothing that can or will happen that will kill my passion for what is right, what honors the Lord, and what furthers my ability to love.
Furthermore, I think it is extremely selfish to say that you are done trying to make it work. Yeah, I know. Your spouse is a jerk. He/she doesn't appreciate you. He/she doesn't meet your needs. Well, duh! Only God can do that! He is the one who will make you feel like you are worth anything. He is the only stable, perfect source of love in your life that will not let you down. All you can control is how you love others, not how they love you in return. Humble yourself enough to do what it takes, whether that be praying for the ability to love your spouse, going to see a counselor, talking to the pastor of your church, all of the above. Make. It. Happen...at least on your end. Then you can at least say that you have done everything you can do. Do not play the "what if" game...there is no "what if." Make your current situation as good as it can be instead of playing out scenarios that will not happen.
As hard as it is to believe, I say all of this partially out of anger, but mostly out of love and pain for my brothers and sisters in Christ who are allowing Satan to have a stronghold in their marriage. DO NOT let him win! God intends marriage to be the ultimate culmination here on earth, an act of worship allowing us to have a deeper picture of His love for us. Allow God to work in your lives, to draw you closer to Him THROUGH the ups and downs of life...don't avoid them and allow the enemy to speak his lies into your heart. Take a stand. Stand for what's right.
Sidenote: I do not believe that I, nor most of the friends I have that are accused of this, am "infatuated." It's called being in love. Let us enjoy it instead of trying to make other people feel guilty for being happy.
I welcome all feedback, positive and negative, and am willing to discuss this issue further, though I stand by my own convictions and will not likely change my mind.
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