Photography...Hobby, Passion, Career?

I've had the blessing of getting a new lens for our camera recently, as well as the opportunity to take a class. I've really enjoyed playing with different types of shots as well as photoshop techniques. My nieces were super sweet and let me take pictures of them on Monday. They turned out lovely. :)



I have told Justin that I would love an opportunity to do photography for a mission trip, preferably overseas. I don't know exactly how to make that happen...but if anyone in the bloggerverse has an idea, let me know!

Expect to see CatyDear Photography's website and blog up soon. Merry Christmas everyone!

Pre New Year's Resolutions

I've been thinking a lot lately about goals. How easily they are set, and how easily they are broken. I stopped making resolutions years ago because I never kept them. This year, however, I've changed my mind.

Justin is a goal setting machine right now. He is working out, eating right, and losing weight like crazy. It inspires me, and has made me think a lot about where I can improve myself. I think it is so important to keep being who you are and continue doing what you feel passionate about after marriage. I've allowed myself of 5 months of comatose, now it's time to get back in business. So, here are the things I'm thinking about that will help me be a better "me":

1. Fitness- I so dropped the ball on this one, when I could have really been in crazy good shape. I want to start running again, and eating right, and at least tone up. I need to stop worrying about the pounds and start making myself feel better.

2. Education- Right now I have 15 hours of graduate studies. I quit mid year last year because it was just too much. Now, I'm starting to crave the adult time, if I'm being honest. I'm going to start looking at money and try to take a class or two this summer to finish up my degree.

3. Art- Even though I've never been super artist, I enjoy doing creative things. Lately that has been taking pictures. I really want to pursue this and learn about all the different facets of photography. If anything comes of it, great. If not, it's fun.

4. Friends- I need to reconnect with my friends. I have been a major loser (see previous post) and I'd like to remedy that.

Those are my current thoughts. Enjoy.

What's in a friend?

As obvious by my lack of blog posts, the past 4-5 months have been so crazy busy. Married in June, school started in August...it just feels like I haven't had time for anything. Unfortunately, not having time has combined with this extreme desire to be anti-social. Maybe it's a newlywed thing, but any desire that I have to leave Mansfield, let alone the house, just doesn't exist. Which sucks, because most of the people I spent time with don't live in Mansfield. So I have had 2 choices: a) be a jerk and tell everyone to come to me, or b) not see my friends. Unfortunately I've chosen B by default. And it's starting to bite me in the butt.

I'm not sure if I am just a normal newlywed or a bad friend. It hasn't started to bother me until lately, when I see my friends all hanging out with each other and realizing that I'm starting to fade away. People are starting to know in advance that I probably won't come. I feel bad, but at the same time the thought of driving in city traffic during the week makes me want to cringe. Am I a horrible person??? I want my friendships to stay intact, but I also have to redefine what these look like now that I am married. For instance, some things that I would have spilled my guts about have to remain private. Why? Because it's not just my business anymore...it's both mine and Justin's. I have to be careful how much I share, because I can't compromise the confidentiality between husband and wife.

Justin seems to be untouched by the anti-social bug. He still hangs out with his guy friends, goes places, etc. I don't want to be creeper wife that doesn't have her own life, so I need to get my butt in gear! Any tips on how to break this lack of desire to put on jeans and walk out the door???

Stronger than Yesterday

Britney Spears sure had the right idea when she wrote that song. Even though it's about not needing a man, the premise sure seems nice: "I'm stronger than yesterday, now it's nothing but my way, my loneliness ain't killing me no more..." This attitude encompasses who I thought I was when I was single. I had to rely on God and on myself; I constantly lived in a "suck it up" mentality, giving off the heir that I didn't care what people thought, and that I could take on the world.
Lately, I've felt anything but strong. I used to think it's because now I finally have someone I can open myself up to, and that my emotions are making up for lost time. But defeat just seems to come so easily. I've become pretty pessimistic--not getting my hopes up because I can't handle disappointment.
With all of the craziness of me passing out last week and doctors trying to figure out what is wrong, I've run the emotional gamut. I've done my best to trust in God, to surrender my worries to Him, but I fear that I've failed somehow. I'm left with a ball of nerves, a disappointment in myself, and a longing to be stronger. I think about Kelley McElreath, how she looked cancer in the face and used every ounce of her journey as an opportunity to provide hope to cancer victims. I see my dad, how his job beats him up daily but he comes home with a smile on his face. I want to BE those people. Not a weeping puddle of self pity and anxiety.
How does one come to this point? What can I do to be stronger? I am afraid to pray for strength, because in my experience God gives you opportunities to be strong...and I really don't want yet another test of my strength.
Any advice? I think that Justin deserves a wife that can stand on her own two feet. Just saying.

Dear Little Dearing

Disclaimer: I am not pregnant. This is something that has just been on my heart a lot.

Dear Baby Dearing,

Right now, in this very moment, I want you to know something.

You. Are. SO. Loved.

As of today, you are only a distant thought. I have no idea when you will come to exist. I don't know if you will be a girl or a boy. I have no idea if you will look like me or like your dad. But I want you to know that I think about you all the time.

I wonder what kinds of things you will enjoy. Will you be a book nerd like me? A sports freak like your dad? I wonder if we will share a pint of ice cream or bake cookies together. I bet that you will be a better cook than me by oh, about age 6. I wonder about your personality. WIll you be chill, or high maintenance? Sorry, but your gene pool does have a SLIGHT bit of spaz in there. Fight it. ;) I hope that you are secure enough in yourself to be silly. Otherwise, you have a long road of your parents embarrassing you by dancing through the aisle of Target or randomly breaking out in song.

I also think about your heart. I hope that you are kind. In my mind, you are the person who is not only a great friend, but someone who shows compassion to others that need it. I hope that you come home from school and ask me how we can help that boy/girl who doesn't have any winter clothes. I also pray for your salvation. I pray that you get to know who Jesus is, that you realize how much He loves you, and that you love Him back. I pray you are a leader, not a follower. I pray that you set a good example, but that you are non judgmental.

I don't know your name, but I want you to know that right now, in this moment, your dad and I love you more than we even understand. Someday, and I don't know when, we will come face to face for the first time.

I can't wait. :)

Love,
Mom

Wow. Hello, dusty old blog. I have not written anything in months. Well, to fill you in, I've been busy getting married, honeymooning in Antigua, training a new puppy, starting school, and dealing with school craziness. The icing on the cake has been living under the same roof with my amazing husband. He is my biggest fan, and vice versa. Love him.

So, I'm not going to make this long, but I would like to pose a question to my followers, if you are still listening. Earlier in the year I was having crazy panic attacks. I was an emotional wreck. I finally listened to some friends and decided to try some mild anti anxiety pills. Well, after the wedding and into the summer I was doing great. Even right before school, I wasn't stressing. My prescription ran out and I didn't refill it because it is so expensive, and I thought that maybe it was all wedding stuff.

Now, two weeks into school, I feel like I'm on the verge of crying all of the time, I feel defeated at the end of the day for no reason, and I am just having a hard time. Do you think it is just first of school blues, or should I refill the billion dollar bottle?

Dear Husband

Dear Husband,

I can't believe that as I write this letter, our wedding is in 3(ish) days. I cannot tell you how many times I have written letters over the years to "my future husband," with such a looming anonymity that I thought would never fully become a reality. Yet here we are.

I am changed because of you. You have helped me believe in love. You have showed me how to trust in people, how to completely let go of my pride and insecurity and just be myself, good, bad, and ugly. You have also shown me what it feels like to be loved and accepted despite all three of those things.

You have given me confidence in who God has created me to be. I know now that I can trust the passions and desires of my heart. I never thought that the person in my head that I imagined God sending me would really exist...yet here you are.

You have shown me that miracles do happen. What should have been a fluke blind date has transformed into something eternal. Things like that don't just happen to people. We are some of the few lucky ones. Out of all of the people we could have settled for and been content with, you are my "bullseye", someone who will be my best friend from now until we die.

You tell me how lucky you are. I am the lucky one. I see who you are, what is in your heart, and it is wonderful. Thank you so much for allowing me in and for giving me an opportunity to have the most amazing future I can imagine. I love you so much.

Love,
Your wife (3 ish days)

Dear Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

In 10 days, I will be a wife. I will take on a new name, and begin a completely new phase in my life. Guess what? You are not a part of it.
I thought you were a special person. I thought that you thought the same of me. I thought that there would be no way that my life would move in this direction without you somewhere in the picture.
You know what? It's okay. The Caty that you know would probably be trying to nag, call, freak out on you, begging for answers. But I don't need that now. I've come to the conclusion that it was merely a season. If you ever stumble upon this post, you might think that it's about you...but at the same time, I hope that it never even occurs to you that you are Anonymous. Why would it? I find the idea of you piecing it together somewhat offensive. So don't worry. It's not about you.
This is me officially shutting the door. Not slamming it. Just gently moving onto a place where 10th chances don't exist.

-Caty

For the record, when I started writing this letter, I had one person in mind. When I finished it, I realized I was talking to someone else. Weird. Does that make me schizophrenic?

Mrs. Dearing, Anxiety, and Earmuffs

I apologize to the 26 followers I have for being MIA lately. It has been crazy, what with moving, the end of school, and yes, planning a wedding. Since it is summer and my sleep schedule is absolutely whack, I'm going to spend some late night reflection time here with you, processing all of this stuff.

I am super excited about getting married. I cannot believe it is only in 10 days. I will no longer be a Skinner. I am surprisingly okay with that...I always thought it would be this huge "surrendering my identity" thing...but really, I feel like my personality, my crazies, everything that makes me a "Skinner" will not only stay intact, but be protected and encouraged by my future hubs. I look forward to being a married couple, to people not asking us anymore about how we like being engaged, and am just ready for normalcy! This year has been the absolute best year of my life, but we have encountered some real roller coasters. At least now, when things like anxiety hits, we don't have to go it alone. J, I love you and can't imagine any happier of a life than one spent with you. 10 days. Get excited.

Update on the anxiety...it's been interesting but things have been somewhat better. I've only had 3 panic attacks in about a 6 week span, which is a huge improvement. Lately anxiety has manifested itself in a LOT of stomach aches and issues that go with that. I also have hormones that think they are jumping beans. It's a wild ride in this head of mine! But I think that the rest of the summer will lend itself as an opportunity to wind down and really get some needed veg out time. I can still use any prayer that you want to throw my way, and I appreciate those of you who have really encouraged me through this yuckiness.

Lastly...I've taken a somewhat apathetic turn the past couple of weeks regarding my usual opinionated thoughts. I'm hoping it's a phase. I am doing the best I can to put my "earmuffs" on so to speak and just go about my business. I was all psyched up to write a post on gossip because I've been reading some Scripture about the power of words and was all sorts of fired up, but I really feel like God is just telling me to shut up at the moment. So consider this as me minding my own business and not adding my 2 cents in as of late.

10 days! Caty Dearing. Caty Dearing. Still not used to it.

Battlefield

It feels weird to be blogging again. I had been doing so well and keeping up with everything, but this month has been, to say the least, interesting.

This morning I went to the 12 o' clock Easter service for our church. I intended to go to the 9, but I didn't hear my alarm and woke up at approximately 10:45. Sitting in the back, hoping that no one was noticing my thrown together outfit and unwashed hair, I sat and listened to Paul preach about what relational rescue truly is. As he was talking, something clicked in my heart and I knew he was preaching those words for me. He began to talk about what it means to keep God at the center of your life. Since I became I Christian, I have loved Jesus and really tried to live for Him. But something has shifted in the past year that has made it very difficult.

I fell in love.

God has blessed Justin and I with a relationship that rivals any I've ever seen...no offense, but we have something special. ;) I've never been able to rely on anyone in that way, and I am finally in a place that I trust him to take care of me. However, in doing so, I think that I have shifted most of my love and affection towards him away from God. Instead of just adding to it, I've replaced it. I feel very distant from God, even when I'm praying all the time and "trying" so hard to listen.

The sermon this morning talked about what life looks like with God in the center, and I realized that both Justin and I need to be better about doing this. I do not want to wake up one day and have both of us resent each other for being needy or dependent. I have to be able to stand on my own two feet, proclaiming and believing that God is enough for me, and that Justin is my gift, my added bonus.

I'm committing to start a new devotional, because as much as I used to study the Bible, I absolutely suck lately at committing to read chapters of it. I'm going to go through a Battlefield of the Mind devotional, and meditate on those Scriptures plus any other ones that God lays on my heart. Please pray for me that I will stick to this commitment and give my heart back to Jesus where it belongs. I need strength to fight Satan off, because he has slowly infiltrated my thoughts and my actions, and I'm sick of it, darnit!!!

On a side note, I am so ready for marriage. In my heart, we are already there. Thank you Lord for giving me someone to share life with forever.

Crazies-revised

Since posting this afternoon, a miracle is happened.

I got pissed.

I'm done letting Satan steal my joy.
I'm finished letting him make me feel sorry for myself.
I'm done making excuses of why it's okay for me to feel depressed.
I'm over blaming it on my job, on my stress levels, on my medication...
In the name of Jesus, I am through with you, Satan.
Get the hell out of my life, and go to hell where you belong.

The Crazies

Sometimes I wonder how much babies can understand in their heads. Do they get frustrated when they are hungry and we don't know how to decipher their cries? Are they sitting there thinking "I'M HUNGRY, STUPID!!!" When we start talking baby talk, do they do a mental eye roll on occasion? Is it this frustration that drives them to mastery of language?

I feel like a baby lately. So much has happened since January and it's hard to even know where to begin processing. However, no matter how much I try to talk it out, how much I write, how much I cry, I can't communicate fully how I feel. I can come across as a pansy, a Negative Nancy, or just a jerk. But what I feel is a bad case of crazy.

No matter how much time I have off, I constantly am having panic attacks where I can't breathe and am hysterical. My chest tightens up and I can't get control of myself. I'm crying all the time. I'm feeling like I'm treading water, that I can't ever get control of my emotions and that I'm burdening everyone by not being normal. I'm so tired all the time.

This week I've hit a new phase...pulling away. I'm tired of being the beat down, so it's easier to just not go there, to not see people, to not rehash for what feels like the billionth time that I'm struggling. No, I don't know why. No, I don't know what I'm so worried or anxious about. I am still thinking rational thoughts when my body starts rebelling against me. So instead, I've found myself becoming distant with everyone lately.

I'm not really looking for a response, just wanting an outlet and a disclaimer. Yes, I'm aware. No, I don't understand it. Yes, I'm sorry that I've not been there for a lot of people. I'm trying to trust in God's sovereignty and the peace that passes understanding. I'm praying for it.

Emotional Promiscuity

Society tends to divide a person's sexual experiences into extremes. We are weighed, measured, and heaped into one of two categories, first of which is the "prude." For a woman, this usually is associated with virginity, but it can become so much more than that. For some reason, being disassociated with sex before marriage has such a negative connotation. There's "something wrong" with her, they whisper. However, the other extreme is frowned upon just as much, if only by other audiences. This woman is the "slut." Sleeps with whomever, shows her stuff, makes dirty jokes. All women seem to fall into one of these categories. One never really gossips about the girl who "has some sex, she probably likes it when she has it, only with serious relationships..." It's always either ripping a girl to shreds because of her lack of bumping and grinding, or looking with disgust as we imagine Jane Doe humping an entire army of men without blinking an eye. Sex has so much to do with how we think, how we interact with others. It's one of the main ways that we size each other up, and often how we judge others (albeit wrong to do so). 21st century culture is immersed in sexual under(and over)tones, which leads me to my thought bubble of the day; does promiscuity stretch beyond the bedroom?

Promiscuity is characterized as casual, indiscriminate. When we use the word, we are referring to the act of having casual sex with no real boundaries, rules, or moral code. Timbaland seeks the affections of the "Promiscuous Girl" in da club, knowing that if he's wanting to get some, she is the one putting out. I have seen this attitude destroy such lovely people. Somewhere in the mix of it all, it seems that self-worth becomes lost in translation and is replaced with a sense of indifference. Here me when I say that I'm not trying to be judgmental and say that because I have chosen the path of the "prude" that I think I am somehow more superior and knowledgeable about life. Quite the opposite, actually. Whereas I am not promiscuous in my sex life, I do tend to display a type of emotional looseness in my day to day life.

Lately, I've noticed that my emotions are ALL OVER THE PLACE. Like, crazy lady style. I feel anxious, excited, sad, nervous, hopeful, grateful, afraid, worried, angry...all at once. I pride myself in thinking that I am a genuine and real person; that if someone asks me how my day is going, and it absolutely sucks, I will be the last to say "Oh, hunky dorey, couldn't be better!" Instead I'll briefly explain that it's not my favorite day, but I'll survive. Honesty is good, right??? However, I feel that lately I've kind of lost control. To anyone that asks, I'll spew forth a fountain of feelings. I'll shed some tears. I'll get fired up and talk more loudly than I should. I'll laugh uncontrollably. It's an emotional overdose.

I approach relationships in the same way. I realized last weekend through some unfortunate events that I put waaaaay too much of myself into all facets of my life: my students, my acquaintances, even people who I don't know well at all. I allow myself to be not just hurt, but brutally wounded simply because of my stray emotions.

It's casual. It's random. It's done without a thought or care in the world. I'm an emotional slut.

Can one go backwards here? If we are talking sex, there is no way to return to the virginal disposition once established as a fallen woman. I've been whoring out my feelings for so long...can I go back to containing them like normal?

Just some late night thoughts from a very tired (and very sore) girl.

20 Day Challenge- Day 12

Musical group/person that is not very well known worldwide.



Brandi Carlile was introduced to me by a friend who was helping me think of something to sing/play at an open mic night for a coffee shop. Brandi's lyrics are so very raw, and her guitar playing inspired me to at least try to learn more songs/chords. I've been to 3 of her concerts and love her stage personality and awesome talent. She is very underrated because of how indie she is, and that she can't be categorized as country or folk or easy listening because she is all over the place. Love her.

20 Day Challenge- Day 11

Picture of a celebrity from your favorite TV show.



With the exception of Season 5, I love Dexter. It's the show I most look forward to. I'm also addicted to True Blood, Sex and the City, etc. but Dexter is a show I not only own but will watch any episode again and again. I highly recommend Dexter to anyone who likes mysteries, dark humor, and fake Cuban accents.

20 Day Challenge- Day 10

Favorite Country Singer/Band



It was a tie between Miranda Lambert and Zac Brown Band. But I gotta go with my girl Miranda. I love jamming to her when I'm driving a long distance, cleaning my house, really anytime. Her newest album is excellence, and she is very "true to country" which I like. :)

20 Day Challenge- Day 9

Celebrity who I would be friends with...



I. LOVE. EMMA. STONE. She is so funny! I think that if she is anything like the character she plays in Easy A, we would get along great. She seems very sarcastic and down to earth, which are two qualities that I need in people in order to really click with them. I think we would have a grand time! The only issue with her is that I'd have to collect my fiance's drool anytime she was around.

20 Day Challenge- Day 8

Favorite Disney Star...



I don't really watch Disney. I don't know names of a lot of Disney stars. So my default fav Disney star is Audree's cousin Cody Linley. I just decided to throw my support in that direction!

20 Day Challenge- Day 7

Celebrity I'd like to change lives with.....



Seriously. She is gorgeous. She writes songs for a living. She's innocent and sweet as all get out and gets to basically live her dream and inspire people for the rest of her life. If I could have any job in the world, it would be singer/songwriter. I love me some Taylor Swift, and any haters can kiss my booty.

20 Day Challenge- Day 6

With which celebrity would you want to do a makeout scene with?

Random choice:




This is Jeffery Dean Morgan. Looks a lot like Javier Bardem but IS NOT HIM.

In P.S. I Love You, Hilary Swank goes to Ireland. Meets this guy with all his Irish tats and guitar in a pub. Does him. He is charming. Funny. And hot. And has an accent. Who can blame me?

20 Day Challenge- Day 5

Whose hair would I want???

After seeing her newest movie, my decision became a no brainer. I LOVE me some Jenn Aniston. :)



I have used Jennifer as my hair model since the 8th grade when she sported "The Rachel." I've brought her pictures into hairdressers to get those awesome sunkissed highlights. She is just gorgeous! She always looks like she just wakes up and looks awesome. I probably told Justin 3 times during that movie that I wanted my hair to look like that.

20 Day Challenge- Day 4

Favorite Rapper.



I might as well copy and paste Justin's Day 4. Eminem is my guilty pleasure. I have loved him, even his crappier stuff. His newest CD is absolute greatness! I can't pick a favorite. I can't wait for the sequel song to "Love the Way You Lie." Eminem, you rock.

20 Day Challenge- Day 3

Celebrity that you would go gay for.



If I had to kiss a girl, and it was Katy Perry, I just might like it. LOL. I love that Katy Perry doesn't follow typical fashion rules. She wears what she wants, styles her hair like she wants, etc. and still looks fabulous. She doesn't try to change the world with her music and instead creates fun music that make for great road trips and workouts. I think she's HOT and would be so much fun to hang out with!

20 Day Challenge- Day 2

Celebrity you would marry if you had a shot.



Oh Gerard. How I love thee.

I've been in love with the blogger of Fire or Knife for almost a year. But before I met Mr. Dearing, I had a small part of my heart dedicated to Gerard Butler. The accent, the ruggedness, the cutesy jokes and smile...sigh. He suckered me in Phantom of the Opera when I learned he could sing, then the combination of loving husband in P.S. I Love You to a lovable douchebag in The Ugly Truth made me all week in the knees.

Close seconds: Michael C. Hall (until his marital fiasco) and Josh Hamilton

Day 1: Blog Photo Challenge

My man has been on my case because I haven't blogged in almost a month. So due to the fact that I'm flu-ridden at the moment and actually have time to play with this, I'm going to do the 20 day challenge. I might do several today because I'm BORED OUT OF MY MIND. Having a fever isn't conducive to social interaction. So, here we go:

Day 1: Picture of your favorite band.



This might seem really random because I rarely talk about them, but if I'm looking at my overall fav band, I have to say Shane and Shane. These guys first got me back on Christian music, and I was obsessed with them in college. I play guitar because of Shane and Shane. If I could go to a concert of theirs, I might pee myself. There are a couple of bands right now that are in the running for fav band (Mumford and Sons in particular) but I haven't liked them long enough to consider them my favorite.

Benchmarks, iPods, and Peace of Mind

I am pretty sure that my posts as of late have served as a sort of emotional compass as to where I am in my life right now. My emotions come and go in waves...every now and then I will feel as though I have bitten off more than I can chew, which leads almost immediately to a downward spiral in which I feel as though I am good at nothing and might as well join Ted Williams in his side road sign holding, hoping for someone's generosity and pity. Yes, it can be that drastic. ;)

Unfortunately, perfectionism is something that is ingrained so deeply within me that it proves extremely difficult to root out. This feeling of not being good enough combined with the guilt of worrying when Jesus tells me not to...well, it's just not fun for anyone around me. I don't want to be my own friend in that moment, let alone dump it on anyone else.

So, this whole "getting married/sharing your soul/becoming one" thing is not super conducive to holding it all in. Justin knows how to read me like an open book, which is super frustrating at times. The past few weeks he has seen me slowly tense up, recoiling like a snake, ready to explode at any moment. And I have. Often. Random things sending me into bursts of tears, all based on my worry and frustration at the lack of effort shown by my students. My little ones have so much on their plate, and to be honest, it hurts my heart every day. 9 year olds should not have to deal with what they do...and it's hard to leave that at school.

So, Sunday night rolls around, and I start getting anxious. As the night progresses, I can't stop thinking about the next day, worrying and stewing over what could happen and if I am prepared enough, will I get my evaluation, etc. In the car, it all comes to a boiling point and I start silently crying to myself. Justin looks over at me, asks me if I'm crying...I say no, he says "Liar," then plugs his iPod in. I look at him strangely, because I'm not hearing Mumford and Sons, our new favorite...it's worship music. The song "Lead Me to the Cross." Poignant? Yes. Suddenly, that's not the only voice I hear. He's singing. No, he's worshiping.

I think it might have been the most beautiful thing that I have ever seen. My fiance loves God so much that he trusts Him to take care of me when he no longer knows what to do. We both held hands and sang the rest of the way home, once we pulled into the driveway, he took my other hand and prayed over me/us. It was then that I felt my peace begin to come back.

I am so thankful for the opportunities that God has given Justin to lead me. Maybe this is what all of my craziness has been about...showing him that he is going to be such a wonderful husband and father. I cannot even fathom how lucky I am...and I am so grateful that his love for me is merely a speck in comparison with God's overwhelming love and peace. Thank you, Lord, for unforeseen chances to learn.

A Cluttered Heart Gets a Visit

Welcome, Lord.
Pull up a chair, sorry for the mess.
It's been a while since I let you visit my heart.
Yes, I have changed the decor, thanks
for noticing.
....
Oh, not a compliment? No matter, I'll just go on.
It's not every day I get a visit from You.
No, I didn't hear you knocking yesterday.
Or the day before that.
Or the day before that.
Funny...must have had my inner monologue turned up
too loud. Bought it on iTunes.
All it cost me was $Pride, $Worry, and a touch of
$Insecurity.
Not Your cup of tea, Lord? Sure, I don't mind turning it down.
Like I said, You are the guest of honor.
It's not every day I get...right, moving on.
....
Truth is, I'm kind of embarrassed.
I was planning on cleaning up before you came.
That huge stack of "body issues" in the corner?
That was going to disappear once I got my butt in the gym.
When? Tomorrow. It's all planned out for tomorrow.
Yes, I have said that before. But that was before.
Back to the mess...sorry again.
And I had planned on dusting off all of those "worry thoughts"
so that they would not look so, well, worrisome.
I keep them nice and neat, framed up on my wall so that
I can see them at all times.
I arrange them by whatever seems most pertinent.
What? You've never seen them? But they are right there, Lord.
Displayed. Arranged. Yes, they are in the corner, but
that is where I like them. No need for everyone to know.
I do have an image to keep, after all.

So, I guess You know that I'm getting married.
See? There's his hand right there, holding onto my heart.
Right where Yours used to be...wait.
Where did Your hand go?
I'm confused.
I see Your hands holding onto his heart so tightly.
I see Your presence radiating from his inner being.
He feels You. But so do I...so where is Your handprint on me?

How have I allowed myself to clutter up the heart that belongs to You?
How have I held on to the troubles of this world that You've begged me to surrender?
How have I lost touch with the intimacy that comes from doing each day with You by my side?
I feel closer to You in theory, but inside, I realize that I've replaced love with love.
I've never been good at sharing my heart. But I know that, by giving You it all, I am only more free to love others.
Right now, my love comes with a tax: the baggage that I carry around.
Oh, how I long to love freely. To let it all go and run to You.
....
What? You'll stay a while and help me clean up the place?
Sounds like a perfect start.

My Most Honest Post Yet...Insecure Much?

It is hard for anyone, let alone a woman, to let her guard down in a public forum. I am no exception to this rule. Only those closest to me know the deep desires, fears, and other beatings of my heart. I try to be vulnerable to a certain extent, but most people do not see what goes on behind the curtain. Well, for the past couple of months, I have slowly realized a huge struggle that I have, that I haven't really worried about since college. I am finding that the more I try to strategize about this issue, the worse it gets until it permeates my other relationships and reaps destruction. This, my friends, is the demon that is otherwise known as INSECURITY.

I am a fairly independent person who does not enjoy showing weakness. After a situation in college in which I was berated and discouraged constantly, I faced the task of allowing God to build me back up. By this time last year, I was in an extremely healthy mental state of relying on God for my emotional needs, disciplining my body into healthy habits, etc. With the combination of teaching again and suddenly having a boyfriend, I allowed myself to slack off on all of my disciplines I had developed, leaving me beginning 2011 now as a heavy-feeling, worrisome mess at times.

I don't blame Justin at all for this transition. Honestly, I think it shows me that I was doing a lot of what I did for the wrong reasons...to prove to myself and to the world that I was fine on my own. Now I am not on my own anymore...and it becomes easy to let another person bear the brunt of your load. And I am guilty of that. Lucky for me, I'm marrying a man who knows my heart and does not resent me for this. But it must be exhausting at times. So, I have decided to lay everything out on the line in hopes that it will provide me with the accountability and motivation to begin anew and to fight these insecurities with truth and dedication.

I am bigger than I have ever been. It has gone from a controlled weight gain to an inability to wear anything without feeling self-conscious. I stopped working out as much when school started, and after hurting myself in November have been on a workout freeze while my back was getting fixed. I go to restaurants thinking consciously to eat healthily, then order recklessly without a second thought. I am unhappy when I look in the mirror, and am terrified that I am going to look back on pictures of my wedding/honeymoon and be embarrassed. It is completely mental. You can say, "you know what to do...do it!" and I agree. But there is something that makes it so much harder, and I don't know why. It worries me that I can't get myself under control. Maybe that is another lesson God is teaching me, not sure.

I also worry that I will not be a good wife; that is, good enough for Justin. I love that man so much and believe that he deserves the best possible in life. Lately, I run through scenarios in my head of all of the things I need to be perfect at when we get married, and I fail even in my head. Seriously...it's ridiculous. What a slap in God's face. When we allow insecurity to rule our lives, like it is mine at the moment, it's basically saying that God made a mistake in loving us like He did. What a wasted sacrifice if we are worth nothing! God loves me so much and is in awe of my beauty (Zephaniah 3:17).

I know this is more of a ramble than a post, but I want to encourage you to be honest with yourself about where you are regarding worry, fear, and insecurity. Then, let's decide to make a change.