Since my last post, I have really sought God on the condition on my heart, and am overwhelmed at his response. Now, I know that not a lot of people read my blog, but there is always that fear that I am going to write something really personal and someone will judge me for it or just write me off. But I feel like I have gotten over that, at least for today. So, I am going to write about the amazing revelation that has occurred in my life this past week.
I have been on a journey to lose weight since my junior year of college. Before that, I had worked out, eaten salads, etc., but never really dug in. Obviously, I have never been consistent enough to see results. I put this desire, this THING (as it has become) to the side, focusing on being healthy in all other aspects of my life. The task of being fit was daunting; every time I would eat crap, I would have this out of body experience, watching myself eat, just saying "Caty, what are you doing? Why are you eating that?" but would continue. Eat, chew, work out, whine that I didn't lose.
Many of you know that I have become a Turbo Kick junkie. I started doing it in college, and have been off and on with it. In April I got certified to teach it, a step in good faith, but still look the same because of my inconsistency. Last week I was sitting there, reading blogs of many of my fitness heroes, (Chalene Johnson, Mindy Lawhorne, Michelle Myers, etc) and all of a sudden it clicked: I wasn't anywhere near healthy in any other arena in my life. My loathing of my own body has overflowed into my spiritual life, my social life, my love life, etc. It has become my crutch for failure. Anytime I get rejected by a guy, I think to myself, "It must be because I am too fat. Well I don't want to date a jerk like that anyway." I blamed God for not helping me out along the way. My feelings about myself affected how I communicated with people. All of this came rushing in last week while I was at work, almost immediately after my little hissy fit on my last post. I decided that enough was enough, and that I was done settling for unhealthiness if I ever wanted to be free of this mess that I call food.
Until last week, I didn't realize how much control food had over me. It literally has become an obstacle blocking communication between me and God. As silly as that seems, I see the proof in it now that I have been faithful to work out and eat healthy for just a week. Just ONE WEEK. And I feel so light spiritually, this freedom within me!
I have also come to accept the fact that I cannot start finding reasons to be rejected. I am content being single, but guess what...I want a relationship when God deems the timing right, and there is NOTHING wrong with that! If I can accept that it's not about my weight, but maybe this negative aura I carry around, then maybe I will be even more okay. I can't control that arena of my life...but I can control being the best ME I can be. God can use me right now, and I want to really be obedient to that. That was a hard realization yesterday...I felt really alone for about 10 seconds and then....(now you can choose to believe me or not) I heard God say to me, "You are my child, and you are NEVER alone." Seriously...first time that's happened in a while. So I have been repeating that to myself over and over...and I know that eventually I will start to believe it!
I must say, it's amazing how much Jesus loves me. He never gives up on me, even when I am impossibly pig headed and stubborn. And now, I won't give up on me either...because I know I am not doing this alone.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Ranting
I am about to go on a little rant. No one is forcing you to read it, so go ahead and hit the "Back" button if you don't want to hear my irrational girl qualms. K...so evidently, because I happen to be out of college and single, that makes me the poster child for single women??? Um, I think not. I don't think I have reached the point of taking my vow of celibacy and joining the convent. I have not stepped on this pedestal of singleness and said, "I have chosen to shun relationships and shall show all of you how to live your lives fully content with being single!!" I have reached a place in my life that I am content with how things are for now, and am being patient about God's timing in the matter. Please don't give me ammunition to fire back at you, you well meaning people who think that I am one of THOSE women. Do I have a briefcase in my hand? Do I wear power suits? Do I have a blackberry? No. I am barely getting by financially, all the while thinking "Man, double income would sure be nice." My career ambition: to be a wife and a mom. So there. Please do not ask me to be the leader for Single Women United...not happening. I am just saying, I think I would know if I were called to be single, and HELLO I AM 23. Not like the reproductive system is drying up yet.
K I am done. Thank you blogger for providing an outlet before I breathed fire onto some unknowing pedestrian.
K I am done. Thank you blogger for providing an outlet before I breathed fire onto some unknowing pedestrian.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Birthday thoughts
On Saturday, I will be 23 years old. To me, this is a random age. However, this is the first time that I feel like I really belong in the adult world. Is that weird? I have been out of college for a year, work all of the time, go to bed early, etc. All of these things fit the profile of an adult. But I think that there is so much more to it than that. For the first time in my life, I feel a level of contentment at what comes my way. Not to say that I don't struggle with it at times, but for the most part I feel at peace about God's timing and provision. This is also odd to me because right now, I feel like life is at its craziest. I am trying to continue to be a light in a dark place, and the feeling is good.
Not to say that there aren't things I miss...I love the freedom of going where you want when you want, to travel abroad at the drop of a hat, to not do my own taxes...lol. But I don't resent adulthood for that. I know that if its God's will for me to do those things, it will happen.
Nothing profound today...just some things I am reflecting on.
Not to say that there aren't things I miss...I love the freedom of going where you want when you want, to travel abroad at the drop of a hat, to not do my own taxes...lol. But I don't resent adulthood for that. I know that if its God's will for me to do those things, it will happen.
Nothing profound today...just some things I am reflecting on.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Ugh.
I just feel like being a little bit transparent...there is one part of my life in particular right now that I am having the hardest time surrendering to God. As a whole, I have peace about the issue, but my heart needs to get the memo. What do you do when you logically know something is not going to happen, but your heart tells you otherwise? I have been burned before and it scares me to be wrong again. It's also an unnerving thing that my attempts in the past year to be vulnerable have come across to some as negativity and complaining. Let me just tell all of you (being the handful that read this), I do not feel like a negative person. Jesus Christ has given me hope; he has taken me from the pit, set my feet on a rock, and given me joy. I have a reason to get up in the morning...I experience a constant stream of LOVE. But, along with that, I reflect a lot. I do not want to let any negativity set up camp in my heart, so I process through it. I ask God for wisdom and strength. I think it is foolish to plaster a smile on all the time and advertise the Polly Pocket Gospel that all of us are so used to. I want people to see that I am not perfect, that I struggle, but that it doesn't end there. God always works my issues out for good according to His purpose. Wow...I needed to hear that right now. Didn't really resonate till I typed it. See? There you go. Lol. Sorry for the randomness of this post, but I needed to process.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Isaiah 65: 1-2 The Message
"I've made Myself available to those who haven't bothered to ask. I'm here, ready to be found. I kept saying, 'I'm here, I'm right here' to a nation that ignored Me. I reached out day after day to a people who turned their backs on Me, people who make wrong turns, who insist on doing things their own way."
I am realizing more and more how judgmental my first instinct is. I don't articulate it much, but when encountering many people/situations, my first reaction is to make a judgment about him/her/it. This is especially true with Israel. I have read the Old Testament more than once, and every time I roll my eyes with disdain at the Israelites. I think to myself, "Geez! Don't you people get it already! Here you have God tangibly speaking, tangibly rescuing you, making food fall from Heaven, giving you the Promised Land, and you STILL DON'T GET IT." Of course I would be different, I think to myself. I am always confident I would do a much better job at being Israel.
Yesterday was my first day of grad school classes. As I sat and listened/watched the discourse going on around the table, I was amazed at how small I felt. I had no idea what anyone was talking about, and had a perpetual question mark on my face. The expert English-ites were trying to be helpful, but most seemed condescending. I felt that the professor must have been questioning my acceptance in the program. As I drove away, I thought about all of the work I had to do, and the lack of time in which to do it all. I thought about my job, and how I am still learning so much and have not yet found my comfort zone there. I thought about the possibility of disappointing my family, who has so much faith in me to do it all. And I burst into tears.
After an afternoon of rejecting phone calls and watching empty hours of television, it hit me really hard that I hadn't yet brought this before God. I hadn't asked the Comforter for comfort, the Prince of Peace for a sense of calm, the Almighty for an ounce of strength. Score: Israel-1, Me-0. Sigh. How on earth did this happen? Maybe because life has been pretty smooth sailing for a while and I haven't needed to rely on God. Maybe I didn't want to hear what He had to say. Maybe I wanted to prove something...I don't know. What I do know is that I can't do this alone. Maybe I will need my friends and family's help. Maybe I will need to get some tutoring. Or maybe I just need to get a reality check and ask God to start chiseling away all the pride that is blocking my sight of Him. In any case, Israel, I take it back.
I am realizing more and more how judgmental my first instinct is. I don't articulate it much, but when encountering many people/situations, my first reaction is to make a judgment about him/her/it. This is especially true with Israel. I have read the Old Testament more than once, and every time I roll my eyes with disdain at the Israelites. I think to myself, "Geez! Don't you people get it already! Here you have God tangibly speaking, tangibly rescuing you, making food fall from Heaven, giving you the Promised Land, and you STILL DON'T GET IT." Of course I would be different, I think to myself. I am always confident I would do a much better job at being Israel.
Yesterday was my first day of grad school classes. As I sat and listened/watched the discourse going on around the table, I was amazed at how small I felt. I had no idea what anyone was talking about, and had a perpetual question mark on my face. The expert English-ites were trying to be helpful, but most seemed condescending. I felt that the professor must have been questioning my acceptance in the program. As I drove away, I thought about all of the work I had to do, and the lack of time in which to do it all. I thought about my job, and how I am still learning so much and have not yet found my comfort zone there. I thought about the possibility of disappointing my family, who has so much faith in me to do it all. And I burst into tears.
After an afternoon of rejecting phone calls and watching empty hours of television, it hit me really hard that I hadn't yet brought this before God. I hadn't asked the Comforter for comfort, the Prince of Peace for a sense of calm, the Almighty for an ounce of strength. Score: Israel-1, Me-0. Sigh. How on earth did this happen? Maybe because life has been pretty smooth sailing for a while and I haven't needed to rely on God. Maybe I didn't want to hear what He had to say. Maybe I wanted to prove something...I don't know. What I do know is that I can't do this alone. Maybe I will need my friends and family's help. Maybe I will need to get some tutoring. Or maybe I just need to get a reality check and ask God to start chiseling away all the pride that is blocking my sight of Him. In any case, Israel, I take it back.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Overanalyzing Analysis
On Wednesday, my first graduate class begins. Because this was the only English course offered in Summer II, I will be taking a class called Critical Contemporary Theory (or maybe it's Contemporary Critical...I don't know). The focus is on psychoanalysis, specifically in regards to film and the theorist Jacques Lacan. Now, looking back over the last couple of sentences it seems like I really know what I am talking about. Um...no. We have to have the first textbook read and have questions ready by this Wednesday...like, 2 days from now. I have 3 chapters left, and let me tell you: I have no idea what this stuff is talking about. Every now and then I will pick up on some nugget of info I can wrap my brain around, but for the most part, I am just writing questions down. But there is one thing that I did find interesting that I thought I would write out.
One part of Lacan's theory is that each person has two levels of dialogue: the ego and the unconscious. The ego is what we consciously think and believe about ourselves. It's what we say, what we write on resumes, the thoughts that run through our brain when we take Facebook quizzes, etc. The unconscious, however, is full of words, thoughts, desires, etc. that at some point were shoved aside when we were first developing, and they are our "true" selves. Honestly, when I read this stuff, my first thought is that it's crappy psycho-babble. I think that people have too much time on their hands breaking down what doesn't even matter. I would consider myself a fairly self-aware; I know most of my weaknesses and own up to them. But then I began to ask myself, "How many times have you had to tell yourself something until you believe it to be true?" To some point, do we concoct the self-image we have? I think that that is the way we all cope with life. We find the least painful possibility and convince ourselves it's truth. Not that I think that is bad...who wants to live in a society full of depressed, crybaby Nancys?
So all that to say, I still don't buy into 150 pages of this stuff. I don't get the charts, and I can safely say there is no way that my sarcasm stems from me missing the breastfeeding days (believe me, there's a whole chapter on that). But I do think that we shortchange our brains a lot. And I am starting to take a second glance at why I do what I do, not because I need the analysis, but because I think it's so interesting to look at the intricacies of how God has made us. I can only hope to have a better grasp of thought processes once this class gets up and rolling.
Yeah, just a lot of babble today, but I have to try some way to understand all of this stuff!!!!
One part of Lacan's theory is that each person has two levels of dialogue: the ego and the unconscious. The ego is what we consciously think and believe about ourselves. It's what we say, what we write on resumes, the thoughts that run through our brain when we take Facebook quizzes, etc. The unconscious, however, is full of words, thoughts, desires, etc. that at some point were shoved aside when we were first developing, and they are our "true" selves. Honestly, when I read this stuff, my first thought is that it's crappy psycho-babble. I think that people have too much time on their hands breaking down what doesn't even matter. I would consider myself a fairly self-aware; I know most of my weaknesses and own up to them. But then I began to ask myself, "How many times have you had to tell yourself something until you believe it to be true?" To some point, do we concoct the self-image we have? I think that that is the way we all cope with life. We find the least painful possibility and convince ourselves it's truth. Not that I think that is bad...who wants to live in a society full of depressed, crybaby Nancys?
So all that to say, I still don't buy into 150 pages of this stuff. I don't get the charts, and I can safely say there is no way that my sarcasm stems from me missing the breastfeeding days (believe me, there's a whole chapter on that). But I do think that we shortchange our brains a lot. And I am starting to take a second glance at why I do what I do, not because I need the analysis, but because I think it's so interesting to look at the intricacies of how God has made us. I can only hope to have a better grasp of thought processes once this class gets up and rolling.
Yeah, just a lot of babble today, but I have to try some way to understand all of this stuff!!!!
Friday, July 3, 2009
Faith vs. Logic
Something I have been challenged with a lot lately is faith. I may have discussed this previously in my posts, but sometimes God repeats Himself with me so what can you do.
On Monday, I started my new job with Grand Homes. I really enjoy it. I get to work with people in a completely different arena. The hours are different but not too bad. It's really a great set up! Yesterday I began thinking, "What if I made a career out of this? What if I become a salesperson and love it and do this forever??" Those of you that know me are probably laughing right about now because you know that I am always looking for the next step. Instead of floor plans, I flip through life plans, trying them on, seeing which one fits for the moment. In the midst of this stream of thoughts, I had a freak out moment. What about going overseas? What about travel? How am I ever going to provide for my future family if I am trapsing across Africa and Europe all of the time? What job would let me do this?"...and it just went on and on.
I guess my question is, how does one survive on faith alone in society today? I personally think that God has given us all brains and the ability to make decisions. I don't think I have to have a burning bush to pursue different career paths. We are not robots; God gives us options. However, where does faith come in? I have been so jaded by people who live on faith alone. I have seen one family in particular destroy their finances and make their children miserable because of stupid decisions, all the while claiming that "it will all be okay because God will provide." And He always makes sure the kids aren't starving or naked, so I guess he does.
Maybe I am too uptight about money, but I just have this fear of destroying my family's future. And I have to admit, seeing some of the guys my age not even thinking about money makes my stomach curl. I am not materialistic; I don't care about wealth. But I do care about responsibility and taking care of business. My dad worked 80 hour weeks at one point just to try to provide for me and my mom, plus driving a milk delivery truck, getting mugged in the process. Yes it sucked for the time, but I know that due to his hard work I was able to have a reliable vehicle and go to the college God was calling me to.
What are your thoughts? I would like some feedback. Is there a balance, and, if so, what is it?
On Monday, I started my new job with Grand Homes. I really enjoy it. I get to work with people in a completely different arena. The hours are different but not too bad. It's really a great set up! Yesterday I began thinking, "What if I made a career out of this? What if I become a salesperson and love it and do this forever??" Those of you that know me are probably laughing right about now because you know that I am always looking for the next step. Instead of floor plans, I flip through life plans, trying them on, seeing which one fits for the moment. In the midst of this stream of thoughts, I had a freak out moment. What about going overseas? What about travel? How am I ever going to provide for my future family if I am trapsing across Africa and Europe all of the time? What job would let me do this?"...and it just went on and on.
I guess my question is, how does one survive on faith alone in society today? I personally think that God has given us all brains and the ability to make decisions. I don't think I have to have a burning bush to pursue different career paths. We are not robots; God gives us options. However, where does faith come in? I have been so jaded by people who live on faith alone. I have seen one family in particular destroy their finances and make their children miserable because of stupid decisions, all the while claiming that "it will all be okay because God will provide." And He always makes sure the kids aren't starving or naked, so I guess he does.
Maybe I am too uptight about money, but I just have this fear of destroying my family's future. And I have to admit, seeing some of the guys my age not even thinking about money makes my stomach curl. I am not materialistic; I don't care about wealth. But I do care about responsibility and taking care of business. My dad worked 80 hour weeks at one point just to try to provide for me and my mom, plus driving a milk delivery truck, getting mugged in the process. Yes it sucked for the time, but I know that due to his hard work I was able to have a reliable vehicle and go to the college God was calling me to.
What are your thoughts? I would like some feedback. Is there a balance, and, if so, what is it?
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