Retracting the Tantrum, plus Story part 4

So this morning I woke up with a voicemail from 24 Fitness, saying that I did indeed get the job. I take back everything I said yesterday, except for the fact that I still hate the economy. lol. So, as of now, I am a membership counselor at the Mansfield 24 Fitness! Come and see me, I will HOOK YOU UP. :)

Do you ever look back on portions of your life that were only a short time, but seemed decades long? That is what Howard Payne feels to me now. I have been out for a year, and reflecting on college feels like I am reflecting on my life, period. I think that we go through so many transformations during those 4 years (or 5, or 6, depending) that we remember a completely different person than who we were when we were through. At least, that is how it was for me.

The summer before I started school, I decided that I would not be fat. I wanted to have friends, go on dates, and be popular. I would not let the nicknames such as "Caty-cow" follow me to this place of refuge I was headed. So, I decided to walk 5 miles a day and rarely eat. I would cry if I let myself have a chicken tender, then immediately go work out. I won't say that I had an eating disorder, but I was on that path. I only include this to let people know what was going on under the exterior. I lost 15 pounds that summer, got some new clothes and a great haircut, and got ready to show everyone what a great Christian I was.

First day of school, I meet a blonde girl who was THE most outgoing person I ever met. We immediately became friends, and made it our mission to meet everyone in the freshman class. "Yes!" I thought. Everything is going on according to plan. I was in the right circles, found an absolutely AWESOME church where I plugged in quickly, got involved in student government, and had a boy interested in me.

Before you have a heart attack thinking that I am about to unfold secrets that are not okay with him, let me just tell you. Years after this portion of our lives, we are friends. We have talked several times about how God has used our relationship, so it's fine. If you need to, ask him. But this is a pivotal part of who I am, and I can't leave it out. This whole vulnerability, you know.

The boy. Tall, handsome, thought I was funny, worked in ministry, paid me lots of attention...what more could a girl want? I decided right then that I would not screw this up. Can you tell that perfectionisim is an issue with me? I would always say the right thing, wear the right clothes, do the right things, if it meant I could actually date a good guy. After the awful high school situation, I told myself that I would never have my heart broken again, and would protect it at all costs. So this guy and I dated for a while, kept it on the DL from most people (which should have been a clue to both of us), dated again...it just was a vicious cycle. Finally, when I pledged Rho, we made it official to the public. It would be too hard for me to fulfill pledging responsibilities as well as have a healthy relationship if things weren't out in the open. Pledging, though wonderful, made me so tired. I wouldn't be able to go see the Boy till 11 or 12 at night...so what do you think happened? We ended up really struggling physically, again getting way too close to the bar. But this time, I didn't cry and break it off. I just kept coming back for more. We would mess up, we would feel bad, we would say it was the last time. Every time we hung out. It's a miracle that we never "did it." Serious miracle. After working together for a summer, we broke it off, only to get back together 3 months later. The second go round was MUCH more intense. He approached me with a full apology, telling me he loved me, which at that point he had never said. He apologized to my mom for hurting me in the past, promising to be there for me from now on. I fought it at first, but eventually said ok. We entered into this head over heels section of a relationship, and started making plans for the future. I knew in my heart that he was it. I met his family, loved them to pieces, made plans to transfer to another school after he graduated so we could get married. Life was so great.

Then, the flip of the switch.

It's fuzzy to me how everything happened...one minute we were great in my Barbie doll fantasy relationship bubble, then we weren't. I said something that was taken out of context, and suddenly I was shut out. The man I was going to marry just stopped talking to me. Stopped calling, wouldn't make eye contact with me, said he couldn't trust me or forgive me. I was dumbfounded...what could I do? But I loved him so much that I wasn't going to let him go. His parents saw what was happening, and begged me to wait it out. No one really knew what to do. I fell into this deep hole of depression. I would eat maybe three yogurts a day, sleep a lot, turn out all the lights, cry. Make that weep. I am surprised people on my hall never said anything to the RD. I cried more than I can imagine anyone crying. I would throw my Bible after begging God to comfort me, to give me an answer, and decided that maybe He didn't love me either. I knew it was something that I did...where did I mess up? How could I fix it? I had so carefully structured this life for myself, and it was all crashing down. A relationship that I invested 2 years of my life into was crumbling and out of my control. I ended up going to the doctor because I had cried so much that my ribcage around my lungs became inflamed, making it hard for me to breathe.

One day, he started talking to me again. Never apologizing, but wanting to just forget the whole thing. I was eager to do the same, but couldn't seem to let it go. I had lost many friends over the whole ordeal. In fact, my bubbly freshman friend told me point blank, "I can't really handle you like this." I had one friend who really, truly stuck by me. She is still my best friend today. I know that God put her in my life to keep me from doing something stupid. On nights that I retreated into that dark place, she would show up with Ben and Jerrys and an movie. Anything to keep me occupied. I thank God for her so much.

The boy graduated, and we tried to tackle our issues over the phone. Most of our conversations ended in hateful words. Two of my guy friends sat me down, and told me a truth that no one up until this point had ever dared tell me: "He isn't right for you. He has never been right for you, and this relationship is destroying you. We don't even recognize you anymore." Suddenly, it clicked. This had to end. I deserved something good, because God loves me. I realized that the silence I had been so angry with God over was actually a booming, resounding, "He's treating you like crap, so let it go!" I broke off the relationship and began trying to get healthy.

Sidenote: it took a long time for us to be friends again. I prayed for over a year to be able to forgive him, and had to tell him verbally about 4 times. We didn't talk for a long time, and I stayed angry for a long time. But I can say that we are cool now, and that as painful as it was, I consider our relationship one of the major flames that has molded me and shaped me into the person I am today.

Road to recovery...next time.

The Recession, plus Story Part 3

So, I really hate the economy right now. Can I say that? It's so dadgum hard to get a job! I had a really great interview today, but I am pretty sure I didn't get the job, because the manager of 24 Fitness said he would call me today if I was hired..and no call. But maybe he just got busy. I don't know. So I am trying to really trust that God is not going to leave me hanging. I know He isn't, but I really haven't been in this situation financially EVER, you know? I am just praying that my independent business will take off soon, because I know that is something I am meant to do!

So, back to the story. This really isn't a fun part to tell. I have been putting it off and dreading it, mostly because it's not familiar to a lot of people, even those close to me. But it needs to be said. The physical transformation I went through from my freshman to sophomore year of high school completely changed the way people saw me. Now, not only do I have the joy of the Lord making me outgoing, but I have highlights, no more braces, a tan, and a curvy figure. All of a sudden, everyone who had given me crap for so long were confused. Their thoughts were something to the effect of: "what do we do with her? She's much better looking, but still a prude." So I became Object: bring Caty down to our level. Luckily I stayed out of trouble with guys that year, but it never occured to me to hold off on dating or to look for a growing Christian. According to my family, if he went to church and wasn't trying to get me under the covers, it was all good.

My trouble began at the end of my sophomore year. A guy 5 years older than me, who I had been friends with for a while, started showing interest in me. This caused a rift between my parents: mom thought it was fine, dad said no. Guess what I went with? I lied to my dad for a while, but finally told him, deliberately disobeying him. I started dating this guy, who began to really push me physically past what I was comfortable with. At 16, I got very close to having sex, and being terrified, broke the relationship off. I found out later that it was a big joke to him also, which crushed me. This guy was my first love, and I felt so insecure after that. Would the next guy use me too?

Even more scary was the door that was opened. Before this relationship, physicality was never a temptation with me. I had kissed before, but it wasn't a big deal. Now, all of a sudden, I had this inner label of shame attached to me. Plus, I realized that I enjoyed the physical. It was a place where no one could fight with me or tear me down...I felt in control. I carried this even into my first years of undergrad at HPU.

Howard Payne...finally a place where I could meet people of shared values! Within the first few weeks, I had met so many people, made friends, and met a really cute guy. In months, I would think he was THE guy. I will save that part for next time...

Have a great weekend everyone!

The Story of a Girl, Part 2

So I haven't written anything in a week, partially because I haven't had time, and well...I haven't had time. Graduate work is a beast, even though I love it. Plus, I have been busting my but to possible audition for 24 Fitness on Friday as a TKB instructor! So keep your fingers crossed for me...

So picking up from the Christian counselor...I am not sure where little Edna got her credentials, but when I talked to her about my depression, feelings of guilt, etc., her suggestion was a psychiatric hospital. Mind you, I was 10. Obviously my parents refused, so I was referred to a psychiatrist that was not Christian. The reason for this was that he could prescribe medication, and that seemed like the obvious solution to the parents. Looking back now, it makes me sad that I missed out on such a happy part of my life. Why didn't anyone think, "Maybe she just needs to talk it out?" But instead, I tried to get better so that I would stop putting everyone else through hell. My home was full of tension, people not knowing what to do with me. Honestly, the best part about the whole situation was that I started journaling, which has led to my love for writing today.
I was prescribed Prozac, then something stronger, not really making much progress. I cried all the time and had a hard time making friends...because I didn't know how to react to people my own age. I had big teeth, bifocals, and was constantly trying to play up the "smart" card, which made everyone feel more at ease around me.
When I was in the 6th grade, my mom and stepdad moved me from the 5A Mansfield school district to Iredell, TX, population 360. That's right...10 people in my grade. I think they thought I would stop with the perfectionism, but I became more determined to be both liked and smart. I think the thing I am most thankful for in junior high was the involvement of team sports. This gave me something to look forward to, taught me social skills, and helped me grow out of my awkward appearance stage. Basketball and academics became my life. As I entered high school, I became more and more comfortable with myself, and began to transform from extreme shyness to an outgoing personality.
Let's talk a little bit about religion. If you have heard of the term "legalism," that scratches the surface of what I was raised in. You don't drink. You don't curse. You don't have sex. You read your Bible. Go to church when the doors are open. These are the things that one must do to have a relationship with God. The whole goal is to not disappoint Him. So in all things, I acted as though I loved God, but in reality thinking He must not love me. Yet another motivation for perfection. Even though I grew up knowing about God, I had a true Holy Spirit encounter when I was 14. I met someone like me, who was constantly trying to be perfect, but had truly encountered God's grace. It was then that I believe I truly accepted Christ. However, unlike many testimonies, my real difficulties started after my transformation. We will save some of that for next time.

Beauties and the Beast, Round 3

Tomorrow is the first day of a 17 week long weight loss challenge. Some girls in my small group have participated in the past 2 challenges, and they have seen amazing results, so I decided that this time I would tag along. Basically, my eating is about to be taken to a whole new level! I am excited on one hand, but on the other I am afraid. I keep hearing these voices in my head: "What makes you think that you can stick with it this time? How are you any different?" Before I would have called that my cold feet, but now I recognize it as the voice of Satan. He wants me to fail. He wants to cripple me in my journey, and rob me of the joy I am experiencing through all of my fitness networking. But I know that I have the support of, get this, 69 women in this challenge! Isn't that insane??? I think that this challenge will not only help me lose the weight, but will provide me with the accountability and friendship I need in life to feel encouraged and grow in my faith. So a lot of my posts will probably deal with the challenge, seeing as how it will consume a big part of my life for the next few months!

The Amazing Love of Christ

Since my last post, I have really sought God on the condition on my heart, and am overwhelmed at his response. Now, I know that not a lot of people read my blog, but there is always that fear that I am going to write something really personal and someone will judge me for it or just write me off. But I feel like I have gotten over that, at least for today. So, I am going to write about the amazing revelation that has occurred in my life this past week.
I have been on a journey to lose weight since my junior year of college. Before that, I had worked out, eaten salads, etc., but never really dug in. Obviously, I have never been consistent enough to see results. I put this desire, this THING (as it has become) to the side, focusing on being healthy in all other aspects of my life. The task of being fit was daunting; every time I would eat crap, I would have this out of body experience, watching myself eat, just saying "Caty, what are you doing? Why are you eating that?" but would continue. Eat, chew, work out, whine that I didn't lose.
Many of you know that I have become a Turbo Kick junkie. I started doing it in college, and have been off and on with it. In April I got certified to teach it, a step in good faith, but still look the same because of my inconsistency. Last week I was sitting there, reading blogs of many of my fitness heroes, (Chalene Johnson, Mindy Lawhorne, Michelle Myers, etc) and all of a sudden it clicked: I wasn't anywhere near healthy in any other arena in my life. My loathing of my own body has overflowed into my spiritual life, my social life, my love life, etc. It has become my crutch for failure. Anytime I get rejected by a guy, I think to myself, "It must be because I am too fat. Well I don't want to date a jerk like that anyway." I blamed God for not helping me out along the way. My feelings about myself affected how I communicated with people. All of this came rushing in last week while I was at work, almost immediately after my little hissy fit on my last post. I decided that enough was enough, and that I was done settling for unhealthiness if I ever wanted to be free of this mess that I call food.
Until last week, I didn't realize how much control food had over me. It literally has become an obstacle blocking communication between me and God. As silly as that seems, I see the proof in it now that I have been faithful to work out and eat healthy for just a week. Just ONE WEEK. And I feel so light spiritually, this freedom within me!
I have also come to accept the fact that I cannot start finding reasons to be rejected. I am content being single, but guess what...I want a relationship when God deems the timing right, and there is NOTHING wrong with that! If I can accept that it's not about my weight, but maybe this negative aura I carry around, then maybe I will be even more okay. I can't control that arena of my life...but I can control being the best ME I can be. God can use me right now, and I want to really be obedient to that. That was a hard realization yesterday...I felt really alone for about 10 seconds and then....(now you can choose to believe me or not) I heard God say to me, "You are my child, and you are NEVER alone." Seriously...first time that's happened in a while. So I have been repeating that to myself over and over...and I know that eventually I will start to believe it!
I must say, it's amazing how much Jesus loves me. He never gives up on me, even when I am impossibly pig headed and stubborn. And now, I won't give up on me either...because I know I am not doing this alone.

Ranting

I am about to go on a little rant. No one is forcing you to read it, so go ahead and hit the "Back" button if you don't want to hear my irrational girl qualms. K...so evidently, because I happen to be out of college and single, that makes me the poster child for single women??? Um, I think not. I don't think I have reached the point of taking my vow of celibacy and joining the convent. I have not stepped on this pedestal of singleness and said, "I have chosen to shun relationships and shall show all of you how to live your lives fully content with being single!!" I have reached a place in my life that I am content with how things are for now, and am being patient about God's timing in the matter. Please don't give me ammunition to fire back at you, you well meaning people who think that I am one of THOSE women. Do I have a briefcase in my hand? Do I wear power suits? Do I have a blackberry? No. I am barely getting by financially, all the while thinking "Man, double income would sure be nice." My career ambition: to be a wife and a mom. So there. Please do not ask me to be the leader for Single Women United...not happening. I am just saying, I think I would know if I were called to be single, and HELLO I AM 23. Not like the reproductive system is drying up yet.
K I am done. Thank you blogger for providing an outlet before I breathed fire onto some unknowing pedestrian.

Birthday thoughts

On Saturday, I will be 23 years old. To me, this is a random age. However, this is the first time that I feel like I really belong in the adult world. Is that weird? I have been out of college for a year, work all of the time, go to bed early, etc. All of these things fit the profile of an adult. But I think that there is so much more to it than that. For the first time in my life, I feel a level of contentment at what comes my way. Not to say that I don't struggle with it at times, but for the most part I feel at peace about God's timing and provision. This is also odd to me because right now, I feel like life is at its craziest. I am trying to continue to be a light in a dark place, and the feeling is good.
Not to say that there aren't things I miss...I love the freedom of going where you want when you want, to travel abroad at the drop of a hat, to not do my own taxes...lol. But I don't resent adulthood for that. I know that if its God's will for me to do those things, it will happen.
Nothing profound today...just some things I am reflecting on.