Surrender

Surrender
Clenching, white knuckling this desire
If I let go, then I lose control
Not like I had it to begin with
Every time I hear you say “Let go”
My mind gives it all to you
But my heart hides a piece in its dark corners
Hoping that mental submission is enough
But the merry go round keeps turning
And eventually I am back where I began
On my knees trying take this yearning captive.
That’s the trouble with humanity; I can’t be You.
Which is a good thing, but frustrating in times like these.

I brace myself, ready for the blow
That will knock my grasp loose and
Pry the want out
Instead, a caress…a breath. A whisper.
"Let Me love you. Let Me help you. Let Me take this burden from you."
Unexpected kindness in a situation of frustration. Hmmm.
"I want what is BEST for you. Do you trust Me?"
Theoretically, yes. Mentally, yes. Emotionally? Eh…
Sadly, the curse of estrogen strikes once again.
Spaghetti trumps waffle every time in my brain,
And it all gets tangled together.

Each knot takes time to untangle. Patience. Gentleness.
One by one, the strings loosen and fall,
leaving me in a state of brokenness.
But a brokenness unlike that of heartbreak.
Not of loss, of grief, or of unbearable pain.
But a brokenness of availability.
A blank slate, clear of previous paint, scratches, marks, cuts.
Ready and waiting for change, for complete transformation.
It’s a great place to be. It’s a scary place to be.
The great antithesis; such is my life.
But I can’t be there until I
Surrender.


I'll try.

Hebrews 12: 1-2

On Sunday morning, I found myself to be an emotional basketcase, who even knows why. I could not stop crying! If you know me, you know that I absolutely hate it when people see me cry. HATE it. But hey, it happens. So, being Ms. Productivity, I decided to root out the source of my tears in order to root out this crybaby nancy inside of me. Through a lot of reflection and through God doing some things in the lives of people around me, I am finding that it is simply a personal problem; I am allowing negativity to permeate my mind and my spirit.
From the minute I wake up in the morning until I go to sleep at night, I am surrounded by sources of negativity. Fellow teachers, upset students, parent e-mails, even my own family's ridiculousness at times tempt me to give in, to be negative. The insecurities you always think are gone spring up in the least likely times. And I have let that completely saturate me. Why? Who knows. But it is starting to affect my relationships. I have not been seeking to share my faith at all. I have just been stagnant in this perpetual pity party and I am sick of it!
I was given an unexpected conference period today (TAKS week) so I decided to look up some Scripture and just meditate on it a bit. I turned to Hebrews 12:1-2, which reads: "Therefore since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." This verse has encouraged me to just let it go and stop letting all of the negative factors in my life affect me, because I am in control of that.
This has also given me a perspective on missions. I have been very sad that I am not able to go overseas right now, but I am seeing that I have a lot that I need to learn to be satisfied with, and going overseas will not make that go away. So, all that to say, I am looking forward to having time to sort through all of this, starting now. I refuse to let other people as well as my own thoughts affect my pursuit of holiness and intimacy with Christ.

Favorite Things

Verse 1:
Vanilla lattes and skinny jeans
Designer purses and diamond rings
These are a few of my favorite things,
But why do I feel so bad?

Read a good book, fly a kite on a string
Playing guitar, while attempting to sing
These are a few of my favorite things,
But why do I still feel bad?

Me, I, mine mine mine
I cry and I curse, and I wail and I whine
But wait; I'm having an epiphany:
What if my life's not just about me?

Chorus:
What would happen if I opened my mouth
For those who've had to keep quiet?
What would happen if I opened my home
And showed kindness instead of denying it?
What could be if I got down on my knees,
and prayed for them instead of praying for me?
Maybe I'd find that I'd changed my mind
on a few of my favorite things.

Verse 2:
Watching movies, again and again
Waiting to see how each one will end
When you have a TV, who needs a friend?
I can pretend that I don't feel sad.

Plug in my headphones, turn it up loud
Get where I'm going, avoid the crowd
I try not to hear, or get a good look around,
So that way I won't get sad

Me, I, mine mine mine
Sums up my brain, 100% of the time
But I'm thinking I am able to barely see
That maybe the world doesn't revolve around me..

Chorus:
What would happen if I opened my eyes
and saw the hurt people hide inside?
What would happen if I opened my ears,
and heard the millions of people that cried?
What if I start by letting go of my heart,
Trading bitterness for a feeling of something, anything
Maybe I'd find that I'd changed my mind
on a few of my favorite things

Bridge:
All over the world there are boys and girls
who can't see the light at the end of the tunnel
we have hope and we've experienced grace--
think we could share at least a little....?

Verse 3:
Grabbing some coffee with a friend of a friend
Tells me how lonesome his life has been
I smile and I tell him the darkness will end...
...and he doesn't have to be sad

On the way home I turn the radio down,
Say a quick prayer, and take a good look around
Because talking to Jesus about everything
Has slowly become one of my favorite things...
And now I don't feel so bad.

When You Say Go

I love Mondays because they are so chill. I work out, come home, shower, eat and just relax until bedtime. I was laying on my bed listening to Celine Dion (shut up, any haters out there) and got the urge to look through my London album from my freshman year of college. As I was looking through some of the pictures, I remembered a bag in my closet that had all of my stuff that wouldn't fit in the album. I found notes of encouragement from my family and my team mates, pictures that my sisters had drawn me, verses I had tried to memorize, ticket stubs, a map of Westminster Abbey, and a whole store of other treasures. I poured over each item, letting the memory accompanying it make its home in the frontal lobes of my brain. I remembered the people we met, the friendships I made, and that feeling that I was right smack dab in the middle of God's will.
However, I confess that this whole trip down Memory Lane is making me wonder when it will be my turn once again to go. I had everything lined up to teach in Prague next year, and if that were still happening I would be leaving in August. Now, I know it was my choice not to go, and I stand by that. I do believe that I heard God very clearly tell me, "Shh. Wait." I know that God has something wonderful in store for me, even though I might not know exactly what that is. But still...I hunger and thirst for the opportunity to travel the world and share the Good News. I know that no matter when this happens, I will meet some adversity from people who want me here, and I believe that this will be mostly out of love. But I am praying that God will use the time I am here to use me in the lives of the people I directly influence: my students, my family, my friends, my co-workers, my neighbors, my church...the list goes on. I realize that God has a purpose for keeping me here right now, and who am I to fight Him?
One of the quotes from a card in my London bag said this: "I yield myself to Him, for He is worthy of the total response of my entire being." I hope that I can live up to this statement. I pray that the nations will be impacted through my life in Arlington, TX. And I know that my God is big enough not only to accomplish this, but to do things that I cannot even fathom. Because He is absolutely in love with His people. Man. Good stuff. :)

Acres of Hope

When I first started typing this entry, I wanted to paint a picture of a girl who desperately needs hope, and talk about how much light Jesus can shed into the dark places of our hearts, no matter how grim and bleak. As I was typing this, I got a phone call from someone who, though I love them more than I can imagine, I cannot speak to without feeling a surge of anger towards. I sat here, staring at my blinking cursor, trying to write about hope when all I could muster was angry thoughts toward this person. How is she oblivious? How can she not realize how upset I am? How can she really truly think that she is the victim here, and how does she think she can make me feel guilty for being so distant? After hanging up following a truly awkward void of silence, I realized that instead of creating a scenario of some third party damsel in distress waiting for her Knight to save her, I should basically talk about hope from a first person POV.
When I think about who God is to me and what He has done on this journey I call my life, it's easy to get overwhelmed. I have always appeared to the outside onlooker to have it all together. I am the leader; I am the strong one; I am dependable. And most of the time, I have found joy from these things. But we all have our dark places, and there have certainly been times when I let the darkness consume my mind and steal my joy.
I believe that happiness is a choice most of the time. God brings us through our crap; He changes us, makes us stronger. And we have the ability to put these things behind us, to look at them with a new fresh perspective. Or, we can feel sorry for ourselves for our poor pitiful testimonies.
Most of the time, I think that I am that first person. For those of you who don't know, I have experienced a lot of different forms of abuse, ranging from emotional to physical. God has shown me so much through these things. He has given me a future and a hope, and has used these events to show me my calling and mission in life. However....there are moments like 10 minutes ago when I feel my flesh creeping back up on me, threatening to overtake my joyful spirit with how terrible certain situations are. And when I realize this....
I also realize that my need for the hope Christ provides is not past tense. It's never ending. A constant flow of grace showering down on me. I will never, ever be in a place that I do not need Jesus. And that doesn't make me moody, odd, depressed, or anything like that. It makes me human...a bleeding woman trying to touch His robe. A crying girl washing her Savior's feet with her tears. A short tax collector climbing a tree to catch even a glimpse of this King of the Jews.
I challenge everyone who reads this, even though not many do, to stop putting barbed wire fences around their acres of hope provided by Jesus, and to instead roll around in it. Frollick. Pick the flowers. Let the rain wash over you. Just enjoy it.
I know that is something that I need to be doing.

Trust and Obey

I grew up on hymns in church; therefore, when I go through anything or have any new event in life, usually some kind of hymn lyric pops in my head. Today, it's the popular tune "Trust and Obey."
"Trust and obey, for there's no other way, to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey."
I knew that once I got a "plan" for this coming year, something would happen and it would not go the way I thought. But still, I always kind of hope that this time the "plan" will work out. Well it isn't, and even though God has proven Himself so faithfully time and time again, my first reaction is to say "God? Really?"
I am learning to just let the peace that passes understanding rule my emotions, not the flightiness of day to day life. It's a difficult lesson to practice, but so worth it. I want to be "happy in Jesus," so I will learn to "trust and obey."