Chiseled Concrete

I haven't written anything spiritual in a while, so I think it's about that time. lol. I guess a reason for that is because, to be frank, I don't have much to write about. But what occurred last night was significant. Think in metaphors with me for a second. If the wall between God and I is made of concrete, don't consider this breakthrough a wrecking ball...consider it a tiny chiseled hole through which a tiny stream of water is jetting through. The great thing about this, though, is that one small crack spreads like wildfire. So you see why I am excited.
Growing up, I thought a LOT with my heart. I went on feeling, emotion, gut instinct. Every decision I made was through this, as was my relationship with God. I didn't know a lot theologically, but felt very intimate with God. This continued until sophomore year, which I see as my "End of Innocence" time of my life. That year was a lot of things, but none of them were pleasant. I experienced a silence from God like I had never known...and I didn't handle it with grace. There was a lot of Bible throwing, emotional outbursts in my room, etc. But I think what I pinpoint as the turning point was when my heart was broken and I became disillusioned with trust and blind faith, and began to think with my head.
Now, hear me out, I am not saying this is a bad thing. I think that we are created to be lifelong learners, and that God wants us to educate ourselves about Him and His creation as much as possible. But when your logic and intellect separate from your heart, you are in a world of trouble. Now around January I began to realize this about myself. My head was so disconnected from my heart that I just really didn't feel anything anymore...no hurt, no joy, no nothing. Just cynicism. I have tried to work on this, but it seems that I just can't feel God's intimacy when I read His word.
I have been reading the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan, trying to see if there is anything that could help me in there. And indeed there was. Chan mentions the verse in Deuteronomy where it commands us to "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind." See? These things are all interconnected! I can't just love God with my heart, nor just with my mind. It all has to mix, and then and only then will intimacy be had. Now, knowing this and changing my ways are two different things. But, it is a starting point. I don't want to be cynical. I don't want to pour out empty worship on the altar. I want to feel something...anything. Dangerous prayer, I know.
This is my spiritual crack for the month of May. Hopefully, more cracks to come.