Just an announcement to the world...I fit into my college jeans this week. Boo yah.
I can be a complainer at times, especially when it comes to plans falling through. I have made countless bucket lists throughout my life, and never tend to follow through with the wishes on them, and I tend to think I am so uncultured. Looking at it retrospectively, I think that I have actually had a lot of life experiences that most people don't get to have.
The summer before my senior year, I applied to go overseas through Go Now Missions. I was thinking I would wind up in Africa teaching children English. However, at the training, that was the one trip that was cancelled. I ended up getting placed in New Albany, Indiana. The US. I was like, "God, really?" Yet another plan falling through. However, I didn't know what God was about to do in my life.
I worked in a crisis pregnancy center in Indiana for two months. Those two months did so many things: provided an opportunity for me to heal from the past while physically separated from it, gave me a heart for people of my own race, introduced me to people who are some of my closest friends today, and the biggest thing, showed me that God really does work all things together for my good.
Let me explain...if I had never gone through all of the crap I did, I would not have been able to understand the feeling the women coming into the center had of absolute hopelessness. Though I have never been pregnant, I do know how that feels. To feel rejected by everyone, that you have no future and no one to care about you. God allowed me to share His love every day to these ladies, and I felt whole, complete, and truly healed.
It was actually during those 2 months that I started blogging. You can look back in the archives if you want. It is so freeing to see that it wasn't a fad..that God truly did change me so much, and He did use me! And no one can take that away.
Sidenote: the one thing about working in a pregnancy center is that you get baby crazy...which unfortunately is not possible for me to do...kind of like locking a diabetic in the bakery closet. lol
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Finding Your Soulmate Workout
I think that anyone who is my Facebook friend knows that I have a friend crush on Chalene Johnson, the creator of Turbo Kick. I follow her tweets, her blog, and her facebook updates and am inspired by her life and her accomplishments every single day. About a week ago, she mentioned the concept of a "soulmate workout" in one of her blog posts. It's a term that I have really latched onto and I want to add some commentary to it for a minute.
According to Chalene, a soulmate workout is a workout that you not only do often, but truly enjoy doing. It doesn't have to be what you do every day, but your soulmate workout is the workout that is not a hassle, but is a pleasure to do. It's fun. It brings you joy. You work very hard to excel at it. Chalene says that EVERYONE has a soulmate workout, but not everyone knows what it is because many people associate working out with a treadmill or an elliptical, or think that working out means lifting weights. Not discounting that by any means...obviously those things are not mine. :)
My soulmate workout is, winning by a landslide, Turbo Kick. A mixture of kickboxing, dance moves, and awesome music, I blast away calories and have a great time doing so! This workout is something I base my schedule around. It is quickly becoming a part of my social life as well...since I am doing homework 24/7, I don't hang out with people unless I see them at the gym. I absolutely love it.
Exhibit A: My Turbo Glow Party outfit:
Contrary to popular belief, Turbo isn't the only thing that I do. I lift weights, I go running, I do sculpting videos, I cycle, I have pretty much done everything except Aqua, and that is next on the list. I enjoy several of these, but none like Turbo. And the KEY to being consistent is to find something that you love!
My friend Tanna said that she loves running and is able to really engage in prayer time with God during a run. My roomie, though she loves Turbo like me, absolutely loves lifting weights and would go to a lift class every day if she could. My cousin is a P90x junkie. So don't be afraid to try new things! Working out is anything that raises your heart rate, makes you sweat, and burns calories. Maybe you just LOVE running up stairs. Maybe you are a salsa dancing diva. It doesn't matter! Find your soulmate workout and just throw yourself into it! The person who comes out will not only be a hotter outside, but will express a more joyful and confident inside as well.
According to Chalene, a soulmate workout is a workout that you not only do often, but truly enjoy doing. It doesn't have to be what you do every day, but your soulmate workout is the workout that is not a hassle, but is a pleasure to do. It's fun. It brings you joy. You work very hard to excel at it. Chalene says that EVERYONE has a soulmate workout, but not everyone knows what it is because many people associate working out with a treadmill or an elliptical, or think that working out means lifting weights. Not discounting that by any means...obviously those things are not mine. :)
My soulmate workout is, winning by a landslide, Turbo Kick. A mixture of kickboxing, dance moves, and awesome music, I blast away calories and have a great time doing so! This workout is something I base my schedule around. It is quickly becoming a part of my social life as well...since I am doing homework 24/7, I don't hang out with people unless I see them at the gym. I absolutely love it.
Exhibit A: My Turbo Glow Party outfit:
Contrary to popular belief, Turbo isn't the only thing that I do. I lift weights, I go running, I do sculpting videos, I cycle, I have pretty much done everything except Aqua, and that is next on the list. I enjoy several of these, but none like Turbo. And the KEY to being consistent is to find something that you love!
My friend Tanna said that she loves running and is able to really engage in prayer time with God during a run. My roomie, though she loves Turbo like me, absolutely loves lifting weights and would go to a lift class every day if she could. My cousin is a P90x junkie. So don't be afraid to try new things! Working out is anything that raises your heart rate, makes you sweat, and burns calories. Maybe you just LOVE running up stairs. Maybe you are a salsa dancing diva. It doesn't matter! Find your soulmate workout and just throw yourself into it! The person who comes out will not only be a hotter outside, but will express a more joyful and confident inside as well.
Story of a Girl, Part 5
Picking up where I left off last week...
This is my favorite part of the story to tell. Why? Because this is when I begin to see God really cracking the surface of my protective wall I had build around me for 20 years. It's both great and frustrating to reflect upon, because I wish I could have just known all of this then! What a waste of 20 years living under the pretense that I had to earn God's love! Sigh. All things have a purpose, and now I know, and I can live in the freedom of it all, but still. Grr. Anyways...
Entering my junior year at HPU, I was confused about a lot of things. 1) I went from practically engaged to single and emotionally torn up, 2) I had moved off campus and was living with people I wasn't sure I would click with, and 3) I had started to gain weight again. I think I was fairly optimistic about the whole thing, but I still failed to see the big picture. Now my image was shattered. Not only did all of the student body know about my imperfections, but God did too..and He wasn't going anywhere. I didn't really know what to do with that. Around the first month of school, I remember a situation in which I was furious at a certain individual. I tested this newfound freedom and screamed "_______ is such an asshole!" to my poor housemates. First time I had said a curseword in my life. I waited for the lightning to strike...waited...and waited...and waited. Never happened. I couldn't figure it out. Why isn't God punishing me? I will tell you that God's grace is never something I fully grasped. I mean, I always knew it was there, but I think that subliminally I thought that I was so good that I didn't need it. I began to see a tiny glimpse of God's love for me.
After about a month and a half, I realized that I couldn't fully figure it all out on my own. The effects of the previous year were still bearing down on me, and I was taking 20 hours and couldn't fully process. So, I emailed a friend of mine and asked for a reference to a Christian counselor (for a friend of course) and decided to give it a shot.
Yep, I said counselor. Gasp. After all of the childhood drama and me swearing I would never do it again, I was going to pay someone to help me sort through my crap. So I drove to Ft. Worth once a week from Brownwood to talk to this woman. I saw her for about 5 months. In our first few meetings, I tried to be as honest as possible and tell her everything. One thing that I realized during those first few sessions is that I started defending myself even in my most brutally honest moments. I could never just admit that I was angry. Or that I was hurt. Or that I just was downright needy. I kept trying to keep the perfect picture intact...well God quickly just shattered it.
That was the most powerful, freeing thing in the entire world. To realize that I was the epitome of the Christian kid yet I truly was a sinner, and that God still loved me. I really couldn't wrap my brain around it. He wasn't asking me to portray what Christianity should look like...I wasn't a billboard for a religion, which is what I had felt like my whole life. I was His bride, His love! This turning point set me on a path of growth like never before.
I think that for a while I tested it out. Had a margarita with the folks, slipped a curse word here or there, didn't read my Bible for a while, etc. I just wanted to see if the whole unconditional thing was for real. Eventually I think I found the happy medium, though it took me quite a while. Sometimes I still think I am looking for it. Anyways, I started feeling loved for me, which was never something I had experienced in a relationship.
Tying this in with today...it has been three years since I have had a boyfriend. I have not dated anyone since God revealed all of this to me. Not that I don't want to, but I can see that it has taken a while for God to slowly peel off the layers of my false identity, of the lies that Satan told me, to bring me to a place that I am not only comfortable in my own skin, but excited about the woman that God has designed me to be, and fully basking in His love.
This is not to say that I haven't had some pitfalls since this moment. My family has had some definite financial issues. I had an extremely traumatic situation my senior year in which a close friend tried to take advantage of me. Friendships have changed, location has changed, career has changed. But through it all, God has not stopped showing me how much He loves me.
Next time I want to talk about the summer in Indiana in which God really shifted my worldview. Those two months are definitely on the timeline of importance.
Sidenote: tomorrow I am going blonde again. I am nervous about it but kind of excited. :)
This is my favorite part of the story to tell. Why? Because this is when I begin to see God really cracking the surface of my protective wall I had build around me for 20 years. It's both great and frustrating to reflect upon, because I wish I could have just known all of this then! What a waste of 20 years living under the pretense that I had to earn God's love! Sigh. All things have a purpose, and now I know, and I can live in the freedom of it all, but still. Grr. Anyways...
Entering my junior year at HPU, I was confused about a lot of things. 1) I went from practically engaged to single and emotionally torn up, 2) I had moved off campus and was living with people I wasn't sure I would click with, and 3) I had started to gain weight again. I think I was fairly optimistic about the whole thing, but I still failed to see the big picture. Now my image was shattered. Not only did all of the student body know about my imperfections, but God did too..and He wasn't going anywhere. I didn't really know what to do with that. Around the first month of school, I remember a situation in which I was furious at a certain individual. I tested this newfound freedom and screamed "_______ is such an asshole!" to my poor housemates. First time I had said a curseword in my life. I waited for the lightning to strike...waited...and waited...and waited. Never happened. I couldn't figure it out. Why isn't God punishing me? I will tell you that God's grace is never something I fully grasped. I mean, I always knew it was there, but I think that subliminally I thought that I was so good that I didn't need it. I began to see a tiny glimpse of God's love for me.
After about a month and a half, I realized that I couldn't fully figure it all out on my own. The effects of the previous year were still bearing down on me, and I was taking 20 hours and couldn't fully process. So, I emailed a friend of mine and asked for a reference to a Christian counselor (for a friend of course) and decided to give it a shot.
Yep, I said counselor. Gasp. After all of the childhood drama and me swearing I would never do it again, I was going to pay someone to help me sort through my crap. So I drove to Ft. Worth once a week from Brownwood to talk to this woman. I saw her for about 5 months. In our first few meetings, I tried to be as honest as possible and tell her everything. One thing that I realized during those first few sessions is that I started defending myself even in my most brutally honest moments. I could never just admit that I was angry. Or that I was hurt. Or that I just was downright needy. I kept trying to keep the perfect picture intact...well God quickly just shattered it.
That was the most powerful, freeing thing in the entire world. To realize that I was the epitome of the Christian kid yet I truly was a sinner, and that God still loved me. I really couldn't wrap my brain around it. He wasn't asking me to portray what Christianity should look like...I wasn't a billboard for a religion, which is what I had felt like my whole life. I was His bride, His love! This turning point set me on a path of growth like never before.
I think that for a while I tested it out. Had a margarita with the folks, slipped a curse word here or there, didn't read my Bible for a while, etc. I just wanted to see if the whole unconditional thing was for real. Eventually I think I found the happy medium, though it took me quite a while. Sometimes I still think I am looking for it. Anyways, I started feeling loved for me, which was never something I had experienced in a relationship.
Tying this in with today...it has been three years since I have had a boyfriend. I have not dated anyone since God revealed all of this to me. Not that I don't want to, but I can see that it has taken a while for God to slowly peel off the layers of my false identity, of the lies that Satan told me, to bring me to a place that I am not only comfortable in my own skin, but excited about the woman that God has designed me to be, and fully basking in His love.
This is not to say that I haven't had some pitfalls since this moment. My family has had some definite financial issues. I had an extremely traumatic situation my senior year in which a close friend tried to take advantage of me. Friendships have changed, location has changed, career has changed. But through it all, God has not stopped showing me how much He loves me.
Next time I want to talk about the summer in Indiana in which God really shifted my worldview. Those two months are definitely on the timeline of importance.
Sidenote: tomorrow I am going blonde again. I am nervous about it but kind of excited. :)
Monday, September 14, 2009
A Cluttered House Equals a Cluttered Mind
Taking a break from the bio for a moment. I have so much school to do that digging into my life isn't something I can do off the cuff. So, yeah. lol.
Anyone who has been inside of any home I have dwelled in knows that I am NOT a neat freak. I go through stages, the best being mild clutter to the worse, meaning "Does a human live in here???" My mess is NEVER unsanitary, mind you...it's just clutter explosion!
A few weeks ago, I stumbled upon a website of a woman called the Fly Lady. She gives you simple steps to declutter your life, starting with your kitchen sink and spreading throughout your house. This works for me, because I can't do marathon cleaning sessions. I do 15 minutes at a time before my attention is taken by something/someone else. But I cleaned my apartment, and felt really good about life.
Then.....
1) Couldn't find a job. 2) School was requiring more books, more time, more brain than I possess. 3) Early morning workouts involved early bedtimes plus naps. 4) This weekend got a throat infection.
This morning, I took a good look around...and felt like I couldn't breathe! There is junk EVERYWHERE!!! And when it gets like that, it takes everything for me not to just walk away from it. Ask the roommate...one of our many differences. What I have come to realize is that, just as my outward appearance reflects my state of mind, so does my mess! The two are most definitely intertwined. When I am trusting in God to take care of me, when I am optimistic and feeling good about life, things stay clean. When I am freaking out and stressed beyond all comprehension, my desk and laundry basket explode and bury me under them. I am tired of it! :)
The point of all of this, is that there are two possibilities here: I control the mess, or it controls me. If I want to help give my attitude a push in the right direction, then it's time to clean up the crap. Bottom line. No matter how much it is stressing me out. So, that is what I am going to do when I push "Publish": Set the timer for 15 minutes and clean like crazy!!!
Ready....Go!
Anyone who has been inside of any home I have dwelled in knows that I am NOT a neat freak. I go through stages, the best being mild clutter to the worse, meaning "Does a human live in here???" My mess is NEVER unsanitary, mind you...it's just clutter explosion!
A few weeks ago, I stumbled upon a website of a woman called the Fly Lady. She gives you simple steps to declutter your life, starting with your kitchen sink and spreading throughout your house. This works for me, because I can't do marathon cleaning sessions. I do 15 minutes at a time before my attention is taken by something/someone else. But I cleaned my apartment, and felt really good about life.
Then.....
1) Couldn't find a job. 2) School was requiring more books, more time, more brain than I possess. 3) Early morning workouts involved early bedtimes plus naps. 4) This weekend got a throat infection.
This morning, I took a good look around...and felt like I couldn't breathe! There is junk EVERYWHERE!!! And when it gets like that, it takes everything for me not to just walk away from it. Ask the roommate...one of our many differences. What I have come to realize is that, just as my outward appearance reflects my state of mind, so does my mess! The two are most definitely intertwined. When I am trusting in God to take care of me, when I am optimistic and feeling good about life, things stay clean. When I am freaking out and stressed beyond all comprehension, my desk and laundry basket explode and bury me under them. I am tired of it! :)
The point of all of this, is that there are two possibilities here: I control the mess, or it controls me. If I want to help give my attitude a push in the right direction, then it's time to clean up the crap. Bottom line. No matter how much it is stressing me out. So, that is what I am going to do when I push "Publish": Set the timer for 15 minutes and clean like crazy!!!
Ready....Go!
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Retracting the Tantrum, plus Story part 4
So this morning I woke up with a voicemail from 24 Fitness, saying that I did indeed get the job. I take back everything I said yesterday, except for the fact that I still hate the economy. lol. So, as of now, I am a membership counselor at the Mansfield 24 Fitness! Come and see me, I will HOOK YOU UP. :)
Do you ever look back on portions of your life that were only a short time, but seemed decades long? That is what Howard Payne feels to me now. I have been out for a year, and reflecting on college feels like I am reflecting on my life, period. I think that we go through so many transformations during those 4 years (or 5, or 6, depending) that we remember a completely different person than who we were when we were through. At least, that is how it was for me.
The summer before I started school, I decided that I would not be fat. I wanted to have friends, go on dates, and be popular. I would not let the nicknames such as "Caty-cow" follow me to this place of refuge I was headed. So, I decided to walk 5 miles a day and rarely eat. I would cry if I let myself have a chicken tender, then immediately go work out. I won't say that I had an eating disorder, but I was on that path. I only include this to let people know what was going on under the exterior. I lost 15 pounds that summer, got some new clothes and a great haircut, and got ready to show everyone what a great Christian I was.
First day of school, I meet a blonde girl who was THE most outgoing person I ever met. We immediately became friends, and made it our mission to meet everyone in the freshman class. "Yes!" I thought. Everything is going on according to plan. I was in the right circles, found an absolutely AWESOME church where I plugged in quickly, got involved in student government, and had a boy interested in me.
Before you have a heart attack thinking that I am about to unfold secrets that are not okay with him, let me just tell you. Years after this portion of our lives, we are friends. We have talked several times about how God has used our relationship, so it's fine. If you need to, ask him. But this is a pivotal part of who I am, and I can't leave it out. This whole vulnerability, you know.
The boy. Tall, handsome, thought I was funny, worked in ministry, paid me lots of attention...what more could a girl want? I decided right then that I would not screw this up. Can you tell that perfectionisim is an issue with me? I would always say the right thing, wear the right clothes, do the right things, if it meant I could actually date a good guy. After the awful high school situation, I told myself that I would never have my heart broken again, and would protect it at all costs. So this guy and I dated for a while, kept it on the DL from most people (which should have been a clue to both of us), dated again...it just was a vicious cycle. Finally, when I pledged Rho, we made it official to the public. It would be too hard for me to fulfill pledging responsibilities as well as have a healthy relationship if things weren't out in the open. Pledging, though wonderful, made me so tired. I wouldn't be able to go see the Boy till 11 or 12 at night...so what do you think happened? We ended up really struggling physically, again getting way too close to the bar. But this time, I didn't cry and break it off. I just kept coming back for more. We would mess up, we would feel bad, we would say it was the last time. Every time we hung out. It's a miracle that we never "did it." Serious miracle. After working together for a summer, we broke it off, only to get back together 3 months later. The second go round was MUCH more intense. He approached me with a full apology, telling me he loved me, which at that point he had never said. He apologized to my mom for hurting me in the past, promising to be there for me from now on. I fought it at first, but eventually said ok. We entered into this head over heels section of a relationship, and started making plans for the future. I knew in my heart that he was it. I met his family, loved them to pieces, made plans to transfer to another school after he graduated so we could get married. Life was so great.
Then, the flip of the switch.
It's fuzzy to me how everything happened...one minute we were great in my Barbie doll fantasy relationship bubble, then we weren't. I said something that was taken out of context, and suddenly I was shut out. The man I was going to marry just stopped talking to me. Stopped calling, wouldn't make eye contact with me, said he couldn't trust me or forgive me. I was dumbfounded...what could I do? But I loved him so much that I wasn't going to let him go. His parents saw what was happening, and begged me to wait it out. No one really knew what to do. I fell into this deep hole of depression. I would eat maybe three yogurts a day, sleep a lot, turn out all the lights, cry. Make that weep. I am surprised people on my hall never said anything to the RD. I cried more than I can imagine anyone crying. I would throw my Bible after begging God to comfort me, to give me an answer, and decided that maybe He didn't love me either. I knew it was something that I did...where did I mess up? How could I fix it? I had so carefully structured this life for myself, and it was all crashing down. A relationship that I invested 2 years of my life into was crumbling and out of my control. I ended up going to the doctor because I had cried so much that my ribcage around my lungs became inflamed, making it hard for me to breathe.
One day, he started talking to me again. Never apologizing, but wanting to just forget the whole thing. I was eager to do the same, but couldn't seem to let it go. I had lost many friends over the whole ordeal. In fact, my bubbly freshman friend told me point blank, "I can't really handle you like this." I had one friend who really, truly stuck by me. She is still my best friend today. I know that God put her in my life to keep me from doing something stupid. On nights that I retreated into that dark place, she would show up with Ben and Jerrys and an movie. Anything to keep me occupied. I thank God for her so much.
The boy graduated, and we tried to tackle our issues over the phone. Most of our conversations ended in hateful words. Two of my guy friends sat me down, and told me a truth that no one up until this point had ever dared tell me: "He isn't right for you. He has never been right for you, and this relationship is destroying you. We don't even recognize you anymore." Suddenly, it clicked. This had to end. I deserved something good, because God loves me. I realized that the silence I had been so angry with God over was actually a booming, resounding, "He's treating you like crap, so let it go!" I broke off the relationship and began trying to get healthy.
Sidenote: it took a long time for us to be friends again. I prayed for over a year to be able to forgive him, and had to tell him verbally about 4 times. We didn't talk for a long time, and I stayed angry for a long time. But I can say that we are cool now, and that as painful as it was, I consider our relationship one of the major flames that has molded me and shaped me into the person I am today.
Road to recovery...next time.
Do you ever look back on portions of your life that were only a short time, but seemed decades long? That is what Howard Payne feels to me now. I have been out for a year, and reflecting on college feels like I am reflecting on my life, period. I think that we go through so many transformations during those 4 years (or 5, or 6, depending) that we remember a completely different person than who we were when we were through. At least, that is how it was for me.
The summer before I started school, I decided that I would not be fat. I wanted to have friends, go on dates, and be popular. I would not let the nicknames such as "Caty-cow" follow me to this place of refuge I was headed. So, I decided to walk 5 miles a day and rarely eat. I would cry if I let myself have a chicken tender, then immediately go work out. I won't say that I had an eating disorder, but I was on that path. I only include this to let people know what was going on under the exterior. I lost 15 pounds that summer, got some new clothes and a great haircut, and got ready to show everyone what a great Christian I was.
First day of school, I meet a blonde girl who was THE most outgoing person I ever met. We immediately became friends, and made it our mission to meet everyone in the freshman class. "Yes!" I thought. Everything is going on according to plan. I was in the right circles, found an absolutely AWESOME church where I plugged in quickly, got involved in student government, and had a boy interested in me.
Before you have a heart attack thinking that I am about to unfold secrets that are not okay with him, let me just tell you. Years after this portion of our lives, we are friends. We have talked several times about how God has used our relationship, so it's fine. If you need to, ask him. But this is a pivotal part of who I am, and I can't leave it out. This whole vulnerability, you know.
The boy. Tall, handsome, thought I was funny, worked in ministry, paid me lots of attention...what more could a girl want? I decided right then that I would not screw this up. Can you tell that perfectionisim is an issue with me? I would always say the right thing, wear the right clothes, do the right things, if it meant I could actually date a good guy. After the awful high school situation, I told myself that I would never have my heart broken again, and would protect it at all costs. So this guy and I dated for a while, kept it on the DL from most people (which should have been a clue to both of us), dated again...it just was a vicious cycle. Finally, when I pledged Rho, we made it official to the public. It would be too hard for me to fulfill pledging responsibilities as well as have a healthy relationship if things weren't out in the open. Pledging, though wonderful, made me so tired. I wouldn't be able to go see the Boy till 11 or 12 at night...so what do you think happened? We ended up really struggling physically, again getting way too close to the bar. But this time, I didn't cry and break it off. I just kept coming back for more. We would mess up, we would feel bad, we would say it was the last time. Every time we hung out. It's a miracle that we never "did it." Serious miracle. After working together for a summer, we broke it off, only to get back together 3 months later. The second go round was MUCH more intense. He approached me with a full apology, telling me he loved me, which at that point he had never said. He apologized to my mom for hurting me in the past, promising to be there for me from now on. I fought it at first, but eventually said ok. We entered into this head over heels section of a relationship, and started making plans for the future. I knew in my heart that he was it. I met his family, loved them to pieces, made plans to transfer to another school after he graduated so we could get married. Life was so great.
Then, the flip of the switch.
It's fuzzy to me how everything happened...one minute we were great in my Barbie doll fantasy relationship bubble, then we weren't. I said something that was taken out of context, and suddenly I was shut out. The man I was going to marry just stopped talking to me. Stopped calling, wouldn't make eye contact with me, said he couldn't trust me or forgive me. I was dumbfounded...what could I do? But I loved him so much that I wasn't going to let him go. His parents saw what was happening, and begged me to wait it out. No one really knew what to do. I fell into this deep hole of depression. I would eat maybe three yogurts a day, sleep a lot, turn out all the lights, cry. Make that weep. I am surprised people on my hall never said anything to the RD. I cried more than I can imagine anyone crying. I would throw my Bible after begging God to comfort me, to give me an answer, and decided that maybe He didn't love me either. I knew it was something that I did...where did I mess up? How could I fix it? I had so carefully structured this life for myself, and it was all crashing down. A relationship that I invested 2 years of my life into was crumbling and out of my control. I ended up going to the doctor because I had cried so much that my ribcage around my lungs became inflamed, making it hard for me to breathe.
One day, he started talking to me again. Never apologizing, but wanting to just forget the whole thing. I was eager to do the same, but couldn't seem to let it go. I had lost many friends over the whole ordeal. In fact, my bubbly freshman friend told me point blank, "I can't really handle you like this." I had one friend who really, truly stuck by me. She is still my best friend today. I know that God put her in my life to keep me from doing something stupid. On nights that I retreated into that dark place, she would show up with Ben and Jerrys and an movie. Anything to keep me occupied. I thank God for her so much.
The boy graduated, and we tried to tackle our issues over the phone. Most of our conversations ended in hateful words. Two of my guy friends sat me down, and told me a truth that no one up until this point had ever dared tell me: "He isn't right for you. He has never been right for you, and this relationship is destroying you. We don't even recognize you anymore." Suddenly, it clicked. This had to end. I deserved something good, because God loves me. I realized that the silence I had been so angry with God over was actually a booming, resounding, "He's treating you like crap, so let it go!" I broke off the relationship and began trying to get healthy.
Sidenote: it took a long time for us to be friends again. I prayed for over a year to be able to forgive him, and had to tell him verbally about 4 times. We didn't talk for a long time, and I stayed angry for a long time. But I can say that we are cool now, and that as painful as it was, I consider our relationship one of the major flames that has molded me and shaped me into the person I am today.
Road to recovery...next time.
Friday, September 4, 2009
The Recession, plus Story Part 3
So, I really hate the economy right now. Can I say that? It's so dadgum hard to get a job! I had a really great interview today, but I am pretty sure I didn't get the job, because the manager of 24 Fitness said he would call me today if I was hired..and no call. But maybe he just got busy. I don't know. So I am trying to really trust that God is not going to leave me hanging. I know He isn't, but I really haven't been in this situation financially EVER, you know? I am just praying that my independent business will take off soon, because I know that is something I am meant to do!
So, back to the story. This really isn't a fun part to tell. I have been putting it off and dreading it, mostly because it's not familiar to a lot of people, even those close to me. But it needs to be said. The physical transformation I went through from my freshman to sophomore year of high school completely changed the way people saw me. Now, not only do I have the joy of the Lord making me outgoing, but I have highlights, no more braces, a tan, and a curvy figure. All of a sudden, everyone who had given me crap for so long were confused. Their thoughts were something to the effect of: "what do we do with her? She's much better looking, but still a prude." So I became Object: bring Caty down to our level. Luckily I stayed out of trouble with guys that year, but it never occured to me to hold off on dating or to look for a growing Christian. According to my family, if he went to church and wasn't trying to get me under the covers, it was all good.
My trouble began at the end of my sophomore year. A guy 5 years older than me, who I had been friends with for a while, started showing interest in me. This caused a rift between my parents: mom thought it was fine, dad said no. Guess what I went with? I lied to my dad for a while, but finally told him, deliberately disobeying him. I started dating this guy, who began to really push me physically past what I was comfortable with. At 16, I got very close to having sex, and being terrified, broke the relationship off. I found out later that it was a big joke to him also, which crushed me. This guy was my first love, and I felt so insecure after that. Would the next guy use me too?
Even more scary was the door that was opened. Before this relationship, physicality was never a temptation with me. I had kissed before, but it wasn't a big deal. Now, all of a sudden, I had this inner label of shame attached to me. Plus, I realized that I enjoyed the physical. It was a place where no one could fight with me or tear me down...I felt in control. I carried this even into my first years of undergrad at HPU.
Howard Payne...finally a place where I could meet people of shared values! Within the first few weeks, I had met so many people, made friends, and met a really cute guy. In months, I would think he was THE guy. I will save that part for next time...
Have a great weekend everyone!
So, back to the story. This really isn't a fun part to tell. I have been putting it off and dreading it, mostly because it's not familiar to a lot of people, even those close to me. But it needs to be said. The physical transformation I went through from my freshman to sophomore year of high school completely changed the way people saw me. Now, not only do I have the joy of the Lord making me outgoing, but I have highlights, no more braces, a tan, and a curvy figure. All of a sudden, everyone who had given me crap for so long were confused. Their thoughts were something to the effect of: "what do we do with her? She's much better looking, but still a prude." So I became Object: bring Caty down to our level. Luckily I stayed out of trouble with guys that year, but it never occured to me to hold off on dating or to look for a growing Christian. According to my family, if he went to church and wasn't trying to get me under the covers, it was all good.
My trouble began at the end of my sophomore year. A guy 5 years older than me, who I had been friends with for a while, started showing interest in me. This caused a rift between my parents: mom thought it was fine, dad said no. Guess what I went with? I lied to my dad for a while, but finally told him, deliberately disobeying him. I started dating this guy, who began to really push me physically past what I was comfortable with. At 16, I got very close to having sex, and being terrified, broke the relationship off. I found out later that it was a big joke to him also, which crushed me. This guy was my first love, and I felt so insecure after that. Would the next guy use me too?
Even more scary was the door that was opened. Before this relationship, physicality was never a temptation with me. I had kissed before, but it wasn't a big deal. Now, all of a sudden, I had this inner label of shame attached to me. Plus, I realized that I enjoyed the physical. It was a place where no one could fight with me or tear me down...I felt in control. I carried this even into my first years of undergrad at HPU.
Howard Payne...finally a place where I could meet people of shared values! Within the first few weeks, I had met so many people, made friends, and met a really cute guy. In months, I would think he was THE guy. I will save that part for next time...
Have a great weekend everyone!
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
The Story of a Girl, Part 2
So I haven't written anything in a week, partially because I haven't had time, and well...I haven't had time. Graduate work is a beast, even though I love it. Plus, I have been busting my but to possible audition for 24 Fitness on Friday as a TKB instructor! So keep your fingers crossed for me...
So picking up from the Christian counselor...I am not sure where little Edna got her credentials, but when I talked to her about my depression, feelings of guilt, etc., her suggestion was a psychiatric hospital. Mind you, I was 10. Obviously my parents refused, so I was referred to a psychiatrist that was not Christian. The reason for this was that he could prescribe medication, and that seemed like the obvious solution to the parents. Looking back now, it makes me sad that I missed out on such a happy part of my life. Why didn't anyone think, "Maybe she just needs to talk it out?" But instead, I tried to get better so that I would stop putting everyone else through hell. My home was full of tension, people not knowing what to do with me. Honestly, the best part about the whole situation was that I started journaling, which has led to my love for writing today.
I was prescribed Prozac, then something stronger, not really making much progress. I cried all the time and had a hard time making friends...because I didn't know how to react to people my own age. I had big teeth, bifocals, and was constantly trying to play up the "smart" card, which made everyone feel more at ease around me.
When I was in the 6th grade, my mom and stepdad moved me from the 5A Mansfield school district to Iredell, TX, population 360. That's right...10 people in my grade. I think they thought I would stop with the perfectionism, but I became more determined to be both liked and smart. I think the thing I am most thankful for in junior high was the involvement of team sports. This gave me something to look forward to, taught me social skills, and helped me grow out of my awkward appearance stage. Basketball and academics became my life. As I entered high school, I became more and more comfortable with myself, and began to transform from extreme shyness to an outgoing personality.
Let's talk a little bit about religion. If you have heard of the term "legalism," that scratches the surface of what I was raised in. You don't drink. You don't curse. You don't have sex. You read your Bible. Go to church when the doors are open. These are the things that one must do to have a relationship with God. The whole goal is to not disappoint Him. So in all things, I acted as though I loved God, but in reality thinking He must not love me. Yet another motivation for perfection. Even though I grew up knowing about God, I had a true Holy Spirit encounter when I was 14. I met someone like me, who was constantly trying to be perfect, but had truly encountered God's grace. It was then that I believe I truly accepted Christ. However, unlike many testimonies, my real difficulties started after my transformation. We will save some of that for next time.
So picking up from the Christian counselor...I am not sure where little Edna got her credentials, but when I talked to her about my depression, feelings of guilt, etc., her suggestion was a psychiatric hospital. Mind you, I was 10. Obviously my parents refused, so I was referred to a psychiatrist that was not Christian. The reason for this was that he could prescribe medication, and that seemed like the obvious solution to the parents. Looking back now, it makes me sad that I missed out on such a happy part of my life. Why didn't anyone think, "Maybe she just needs to talk it out?" But instead, I tried to get better so that I would stop putting everyone else through hell. My home was full of tension, people not knowing what to do with me. Honestly, the best part about the whole situation was that I started journaling, which has led to my love for writing today.
I was prescribed Prozac, then something stronger, not really making much progress. I cried all the time and had a hard time making friends...because I didn't know how to react to people my own age. I had big teeth, bifocals, and was constantly trying to play up the "smart" card, which made everyone feel more at ease around me.
When I was in the 6th grade, my mom and stepdad moved me from the 5A Mansfield school district to Iredell, TX, population 360. That's right...10 people in my grade. I think they thought I would stop with the perfectionism, but I became more determined to be both liked and smart. I think the thing I am most thankful for in junior high was the involvement of team sports. This gave me something to look forward to, taught me social skills, and helped me grow out of my awkward appearance stage. Basketball and academics became my life. As I entered high school, I became more and more comfortable with myself, and began to transform from extreme shyness to an outgoing personality.
Let's talk a little bit about religion. If you have heard of the term "legalism," that scratches the surface of what I was raised in. You don't drink. You don't curse. You don't have sex. You read your Bible. Go to church when the doors are open. These are the things that one must do to have a relationship with God. The whole goal is to not disappoint Him. So in all things, I acted as though I loved God, but in reality thinking He must not love me. Yet another motivation for perfection. Even though I grew up knowing about God, I had a true Holy Spirit encounter when I was 14. I met someone like me, who was constantly trying to be perfect, but had truly encountered God's grace. It was then that I believe I truly accepted Christ. However, unlike many testimonies, my real difficulties started after my transformation. We will save some of that for next time.
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