Isaiah 65: 1-2 The Message

"I've made Myself available to those who haven't bothered to ask. I'm here, ready to be found. I kept saying, 'I'm here, I'm right here' to a nation that ignored Me. I reached out day after day to a people who turned their backs on Me, people who make wrong turns, who insist on doing things their own way."

I am realizing more and more how judgmental my first instinct is. I don't articulate it much, but when encountering many people/situations, my first reaction is to make a judgment about him/her/it. This is especially true with Israel. I have read the Old Testament more than once, and every time I roll my eyes with disdain at the Israelites. I think to myself, "Geez! Don't you people get it already! Here you have God tangibly speaking, tangibly rescuing you, making food fall from Heaven, giving you the Promised Land, and you STILL DON'T GET IT." Of course I would be different, I think to myself. I am always confident I would do a much better job at being Israel.

Yesterday was my first day of grad school classes. As I sat and listened/watched the discourse going on around the table, I was amazed at how small I felt. I had no idea what anyone was talking about, and had a perpetual question mark on my face. The expert English-ites were trying to be helpful, but most seemed condescending. I felt that the professor must have been questioning my acceptance in the program. As I drove away, I thought about all of the work I had to do, and the lack of time in which to do it all. I thought about my job, and how I am still learning so much and have not yet found my comfort zone there. I thought about the possibility of disappointing my family, who has so much faith in me to do it all. And I burst into tears.

After an afternoon of rejecting phone calls and watching empty hours of television, it hit me really hard that I hadn't yet brought this before God. I hadn't asked the Comforter for comfort, the Prince of Peace for a sense of calm, the Almighty for an ounce of strength. Score: Israel-1, Me-0. Sigh. How on earth did this happen? Maybe because life has been pretty smooth sailing for a while and I haven't needed to rely on God. Maybe I didn't want to hear what He had to say. Maybe I wanted to prove something...I don't know. What I do know is that I can't do this alone. Maybe I will need my friends and family's help. Maybe I will need to get some tutoring. Or maybe I just need to get a reality check and ask God to start chiseling away all the pride that is blocking my sight of Him. In any case, Israel, I take it back.

Overanalyzing Analysis

On Wednesday, my first graduate class begins. Because this was the only English course offered in Summer II, I will be taking a class called Critical Contemporary Theory (or maybe it's Contemporary Critical...I don't know). The focus is on psychoanalysis, specifically in regards to film and the theorist Jacques Lacan. Now, looking back over the last couple of sentences it seems like I really know what I am talking about. Um...no. We have to have the first textbook read and have questions ready by this Wednesday...like, 2 days from now. I have 3 chapters left, and let me tell you: I have no idea what this stuff is talking about. Every now and then I will pick up on some nugget of info I can wrap my brain around, but for the most part, I am just writing questions down. But there is one thing that I did find interesting that I thought I would write out.
One part of Lacan's theory is that each person has two levels of dialogue: the ego and the unconscious. The ego is what we consciously think and believe about ourselves. It's what we say, what we write on resumes, the thoughts that run through our brain when we take Facebook quizzes, etc. The unconscious, however, is full of words, thoughts, desires, etc. that at some point were shoved aside when we were first developing, and they are our "true" selves. Honestly, when I read this stuff, my first thought is that it's crappy psycho-babble. I think that people have too much time on their hands breaking down what doesn't even matter. I would consider myself a fairly self-aware; I know most of my weaknesses and own up to them. But then I began to ask myself, "How many times have you had to tell yourself something until you believe it to be true?" To some point, do we concoct the self-image we have? I think that that is the way we all cope with life. We find the least painful possibility and convince ourselves it's truth. Not that I think that is bad...who wants to live in a society full of depressed, crybaby Nancys?
So all that to say, I still don't buy into 150 pages of this stuff. I don't get the charts, and I can safely say there is no way that my sarcasm stems from me missing the breastfeeding days (believe me, there's a whole chapter on that). But I do think that we shortchange our brains a lot. And I am starting to take a second glance at why I do what I do, not because I need the analysis, but because I think it's so interesting to look at the intricacies of how God has made us. I can only hope to have a better grasp of thought processes once this class gets up and rolling.
Yeah, just a lot of babble today, but I have to try some way to understand all of this stuff!!!!

Faith vs. Logic

Something I have been challenged with a lot lately is faith. I may have discussed this previously in my posts, but sometimes God repeats Himself with me so what can you do.
On Monday, I started my new job with Grand Homes. I really enjoy it. I get to work with people in a completely different arena. The hours are different but not too bad. It's really a great set up! Yesterday I began thinking, "What if I made a career out of this? What if I become a salesperson and love it and do this forever??" Those of you that know me are probably laughing right about now because you know that I am always looking for the next step. Instead of floor plans, I flip through life plans, trying them on, seeing which one fits for the moment. In the midst of this stream of thoughts, I had a freak out moment. What about going overseas? What about travel? How am I ever going to provide for my future family if I am trapsing across Africa and Europe all of the time? What job would let me do this?"...and it just went on and on.
I guess my question is, how does one survive on faith alone in society today? I personally think that God has given us all brains and the ability to make decisions. I don't think I have to have a burning bush to pursue different career paths. We are not robots; God gives us options. However, where does faith come in? I have been so jaded by people who live on faith alone. I have seen one family in particular destroy their finances and make their children miserable because of stupid decisions, all the while claiming that "it will all be okay because God will provide." And He always makes sure the kids aren't starving or naked, so I guess he does.
Maybe I am too uptight about money, but I just have this fear of destroying my family's future. And I have to admit, seeing some of the guys my age not even thinking about money makes my stomach curl. I am not materialistic; I don't care about wealth. But I do care about responsibility and taking care of business. My dad worked 80 hour weeks at one point just to try to provide for me and my mom, plus driving a milk delivery truck, getting mugged in the process. Yes it sucked for the time, but I know that due to his hard work I was able to have a reliable vehicle and go to the college God was calling me to.
What are your thoughts? I would like some feedback. Is there a balance, and, if so, what is it?

Update

Here is the latest news about Stacy's mom. She has not yet had the full body scan that will tell us whether or not the cancer is treatable. However, they started chemo yesterday, because no matter what the outcome of the scan, they are going to try and treat it. Diana Bailey's cancer is carcinoma, which is evidently the worst kind it can be. Stacy is coming home today, I don't know for how long. We have a wedding this weekend which will be a good, fun distraction I think. I will continue to update as I know things. I know that my tendency at times is to read through prayer requests and kind of halfway pray, or forget, but I beg you to just take about 30 seconds after reading this to pray fervently for Stacy's mom. Please pray for healing, for encouragement and comfort for the family, and that God will be glorified.
Thanks so much! I love and appreciate you all.
-caty

PLEASE PRAY...

I have an urgent prayer request. I know that no one reads this blog, but please, if you do, pray.
My roommate Stacy found out yesterday that her mom has stomach cancer. Her tumor is half the size of her stomach, and it is also in her lymphnodes. She has some tests on Monday that will tell what the next step is. If it's isolated in her stomach and lymphnodes, they will try to surgically remove as much as possible and start chemo. If it's spread outside her stomach, it is basically untreatable. Please pray that God would miraculously heal Diana Bailey. I believe it is possible.
Stacy went from thinking it was stomach pain to finding this out yesterday. It has been very difficult for her family to process, especially her youngest sister Erin, who is 12. She worries herself into throwing up and not being able to sleep. Please pray that her anxiety would go down and that she would feel God's comfort during this time. Stacy's older sister Amanda is 6 months pregnant and they are worried that she is going to go into early labor from the stress of everything.
I know that God is not surprised by this. I know that He is going to be glorified, and His will will be done. But I think that something amazing can happen through this in her family. I am praying for miraculous healing, for comfort that surpasses anything they have ever known, and for peace. Please join me in praying for the Baileys. Thank you.

God's Favorite

I went to Iredell yesterday to see family on my mom's side. I can always count on a story coming out of those visits, sometimes fabulous, sometimes hilarious, sometimes frustrating. Now that I am back, I indeed have a story.

My little brother is "special" in every sense of the word. When he arrived in our home as a foster child, he was about 2 months old and weighed less than 10 pounds. Jonathan was so malnourished he couldn't even suck on a bottle. Now he is a full fledged Davis, is 7 1/2 years old, and I see the repercussions of his babyhood. He is labelled as "developmentally delayed" by doctors, and is just missing a few links to the chain. He can communicate, walk, etc., but just is not your typical 7 year old. However, he is my favorite. (Don't tell the others.)

Yesterday, he had climbed into one of those plastic police cars that toddlers scoot around in and was rolling across the room, skinny white legs flailing about as if screaming "Get us outta here!" Suddenly, he stopped the car in front of me. He got very serious. Jonathan said quietly..."I just want ya'll to believe in God." He got emotional, started sniffing, and began to cry, even through the reassurances of "I do!" "We do!" coming from my family and I. He paused, then continued: "Sometimes I cry when I don't believe, because God believes in us.....I forgive you." I was following until the last part..but he just kept repeating himself over and over. Finally, my mom got him out of the car and began to rock him and sing, which always soothes him.

Most members of my family would smile at this, laugh it out, give a little "Oh, Jonathan..." and move along with their day. But this really hit me, especially the last part..."I forgive you." First of all, I don't think my brother understands the alphabet, let alone forgiveness for disbelief. I am working on a theory that I thought I would share. I have always joked and told people that I think Jonathan is God's favorite (which by the way, I believe). However, I want to venture further than that: I think that my brother talks to God. And hears God talk back.

Jonathan is so tender hearted...a very sweet, sensitive little boy. He repeats everything he hears, just like a parrot. He can't handle people being mad at him, loud voices, etc. So the thought of hurting God's feelings breaks his little heart. So why say "I forgive you"? Maybe because he heard his Daddy say it? Just a thought. I often wonder how this little boy can be so happy in a world that tears apart the individuals who are different. I think it is because his best friend, God, is always there with him. I think that Jonathan grasps friendship with Jesus in a way that I hope to one day attain, but am nowhere close to being. My little brother, God's favorite, inspires me.

Brownies, Resumes, and Tears

And again, the emotional roller coaster that is my life goes up and down...and I am sitting there, belted in, hands raised, not knowing if I am having fun or scared out of my mind....

I am an English teacher. I teach literary devices, one of which is irony. Let me give you an example: someone who has hated their job, spent countless hours seeking other opportunities, has cried herself to sleep, finally turns in a letter of resignation. A week later, the job starts to get better, and by the end of the job, the person loves it and doesn't want to leave. Ironic? Yep. Me? Right again. On Tuesday, one of my students made me brownies and wrote me a really sweet letter, while another brought me coffee. It was in that moment I asked myself, "What was I thinking?" Then of course, I turned to God: "What am I going to do? I've screwed it up again."

I have applied to a couple of places, and last night applied to 2 different school districts. I am terrified. What am I going to do? How am I going to pay rent? What if I make yet another crucial mistake? Should I be getting my masters? All of this and more is floating in my head. I went to New Community at the Property last night, and it all just came loose. I cried and cried when we were singing the song "Everlasting." The verses really hit me: "...should I stumble again, I'm caught in your grace....the art of losing myself in bringing You praise." Paul and I talked and he really hit the nail on the head. I have this vision of who God is molding me to be, and what He is going to use me for, and I want it to happen now. I keep trying to force it, and again and again He says, "Not yet." I am overcome by how lacsidaisical I am concerning the Word and intercession. In theory, I desire fervently to be intimate with God..but what am I doing to make that happen?

So these are my thoughts...no resolution as of this morning, though it is true that He makes His mercy new every day. I woke up this morning, read some verses, and really meditated on His truth. And that is a start, at least. We shall see...I know that at the end of this rollercoaster I will be glad I rode it.