2010 "Wrap Up"- White Christmas lessons

One of my favorite movies of all time, and definitely my favorite Christmas movie, is the film White Christmas starring Bing Crosby and Rosemary Clooney. Every year, we watch it as a family at my mom's house on Christmas Eve, and have even performed musical numbers from it:


White Christmas movie poster:


About midway through the film, Bing and Rosemary sing a duet called "Counting Your Blessings." The message of this song has really stuck with me this holiday season. For some reason, I haven't felt the oober giddiness that I usually feel around Christmas time. I haven't felt the need to go out and buy new Christmas decorations, or go light looking EVERY night, or buy 4 Christmas albums (I only bought 1 this year)...I've just been going with the flow. It was kind of bothering me a bit. Here I am, known to my friends as the Spirit of Christmas Cheer, and I'm acting more like the Grinch or something. But it dawned on me the other day at Salvation Army why that's the case.

Justin and I went with some people from Ben Barber to the Salvation Army warehouse to help give the Angel Tree presents to the families. Justin got stuck on parking duty, and my job was to take the numbered form from the family, roll my shopping cart to the box that matched the number, and get the presents from the box to the tables for the families to "check out." However, there were more than a couple of boxes:




We were there for a little over 3 hours helping out. There were families there serving with their kids, and people just by themselves wanting to help out. I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed at just how blessed I am in this season of my life.

This year has been an absolute whirlwind. I went from single and jobless last year to engaged and loving my job. I have had resolution in some major conflict, I've made some amazing friendships, and I've gained an entire family of more people who love me. There is no way to put into words what I feel that I owe God. And the crazy part is is that He doesn't ask for anything in return...such is grace. In Christmases past, I think that I've been so "Christmasy" in order to compensate for some of the uncertainty and loneliness I've felt. But this year, I feel extremely content and at peace. I feel like I can appreciate the reason for the season, which is Jesus.

If you are tired of the commercialism of Christmas, or are discouraged in any way, I challenge you to count your blessings tonight before you go to sleep. I'm saying a prayer for you as I type, that you will be able to experience the magic of love and togetherness this Christmas, wherever you are. :)

Dexterific or Dexaster? Thoughts on the Season 5 FInale

If you are an individual who spends a significant amount of time with me, you probably are aware of a few things. 1) Sometimes I try out Harry Potter spells to see if they work, especially if I don't want to get out of bed to turn the light off. 2) My goal in social encounters is for people to have no idea that I'm as much of a prude as I really am, and 3) I have not only an obsession, but an emotional attachment to the Showtime series Dexter, a crime drama highlighting a serial killer as a dark type of anti-hero, morally thinning the population one kill table at a time.




Maybe it's Dexter's constant struggle of right vs. wrong, perhaps it's some kind of twisted violent voyeurism, or maybe I just like getting into Dexter's head...but this show has been my favorite television series since its first season in 2006. I was watching the moment when Dexter remembered his mother's murder, as well as when he discovered his long lost brother, "Biney." My dad and I used to watch it together every Sunday after I graduated from college and moved back to Mansfield. This year, I watched alongside my fiance, who became a fan of the show when Season 3 was rolling. Tonight, we left small group feeling extremely angsty, rushing back to the house in order to get comfy and watch what I expected to be an EPIC end to Season 5. As the credits rolled, however, I looked over at my Media Hero and said one word: "LAME."

Immediately upon putting my opinion out into cyberspace, I think I was placed into the category of "Lumen-hater." I feel the need to explain myself, maybe even backtrack a little into Season 4 in order to explain my feelings about the end of the season...simply because I don't like being misunderstood. Sure, if we were going to go all Twilight up in this hizzy, I'd be Team Rita over Team Lumen, hands down. I loved what Rita did for him, and I love the life that Dexter could have had, and indeed wanted. Having watched his transformation and his love for his wife grow over the years, it horrified me to see Rita sitting in a bathtub of blood this time last year. EVEN SO....though I cry EVERY time I watch that episode (ask Justin), I was blown away by the amount of possibilities that presented itself with her death.



I spent the summer discussing with different people all of the directions that the show could take, but the one constant consensus I found was that the show could not last more than a couple more seasons. Dexter has been cutting it close over and over and over, and it's becoming less and less believable that he can once again get away. As Season 5 began, I felt that this was the direction it was going.

As much as I love Rita, I have actually enjoyed Lumen this season. I think that she filled a very necessary void in Dexter's life, and they helped each other become whole again. That said, I went into this episode praying that she wouldn't die. Not so much out of me liking her, but I can't imagine what that would do to Dexter. And here is where I'll start hammering out my dislikes for the episode. There were many scenarios in which Lumen could live and the show would still maintain some kind of suspense. Lumen could have taken the fall. Someone could have found Liddy's pictures at the end. Etc. Etc. But no...here they have this beautifully preserved relationship, one that obviously has people invested in it, and they end it just as swiftly as it began. The entire process of Dexter learning to trust again, to share...it's gone just as swiftly as it came. What annoys me is that it took about 2 minutes to dismantle. "Hey there Dexter, you have spent months helping me track down my rapists and kill all of the men that tortured me...and that's really great and all, but I'm kind of over that. I don't want to kill people any more, and you do...so this isn't going to work out, mmmmmkkkkbye." Yes, I know it was much sweeter than that, but the sweetness of the moment was lost to me in what I feel was a huge scripting mistake. Each season is starting to feel like a pattern. Some new person, whether it be villain or lover, is introduced, they are featured all season, and in the end they die or disappear. If this is what is going to be happening, then why do I even bother getting into the show? If the producers are going to just tie a pink bow on everything, then what's the point of creating that suspense up?

I use the pink bow analogy because I think that, overall, everything wrapped up way too neatly. This episode had so many possibilities: Quinn going down for Liddy's murder and spending next season hashing it out with Dexter, and all the drama that goes with that. Deb finding the pictures of Dex and Lumen and starting to put the puzzle pieces together. Dexter and Lumen teaming up as some kind of dynamic duo...but all of the crazy plot lines that had me on the edge of my seat were summed up in a neat little 10 minutes. Deb lets the vigilantes go (which I actually don't mind too much), Lumen decides she's done killing and is gone forever, Batista and La Guerta are suddenly married and happy again, Dexter returns Deb's favor and fudges Quinn's bloodwork, suddenly Quinn doesn't hate Dexter anymore, and oh, Harrison is one and Astor and Cody are coming back for the summer, and OH MY GOSH IT'S A DOUBLE RAINBOW ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE SKY, WHAT DOES THIS MEAN??????? .......ugh........



I understand that anything would have paled in comparison with last season's finale. But there could have been something, anything, to leave me on the edge of my seat for next season. But now the Dexter peeps have given themselves the freedom to basically start from scratch...again. I am going to watch the ep a couple more times, and I'm hoping I'll be able to edit some of this blog. But right now, I'm pretty darn disappointed.

Things that are Bad Ideas....

1. Planning anything involving Dallas traffic on a weekday
2. Eating 3 Thanksgiving meals the week before your engagement pictures
3. Budgeting so tightly to buy new vehicle/Christmas presents that you have nothing left over for new clothes for said engagement pictures
4. Planning appointments directly after school three days in a row so that no grading whatsover gets done
5. Leaving your school bag in your fiance's truck
6. Doing 4 loads of laundry with the hopes that you will fold it during the week...thus resulting in a HUGE pile of clean clothes on the side of the bed you don't sleep on
7. Looking at pictures of you in an outfit you could have sworn you looked great in and noticing that your arms resemble a massive boa constrictor
8. After attempting #7, trying to put together engagement outfits that make your arms seem less gargantuan and realizing it's a futile attempt at best
9. Complaining about fatty feelings on Facebook
10. Writing a blog about why you are being a waaah waaah baby

Reaching My LImit

There is really no cutesy way to begin this post. I'm not writing to discuss a point or explore a thought or issue...I'm writing in order to find some kind of catharsis, some point of calm in the madness. I know "Get Real Monday" has already come and gone, but today I've reached my maximum capacity and I feel like I'm going to internally combust. Not out of anger, but just out of sheer lack of ability to deal. I am going to have to filter a little bit, of course, but here's the general gist.
If you are a blog stalker and have read some of my posts from last year, then you know my story. You know what I've struggled with and how far God has brought me, and my "elevated Ebenezers," the reason for my blog title, that I reflect on regarding how God has been faithful to me. He has taken me out of my lowest point and given me a future and a hope, a joy that only He can provide. Right now, I am in the happiest possible season of my life. Satan, the enemy, comes to "steal, kill and destroy" and the more blessings I notice in my life, the more I see Satan attacking my heart and trying to steal my joy. It sucks.
In the past couple of months, things have been stacking up emotionally for me. There's family stuff, social stuff, work stuff (all of which are very generalized for a purpose). I am so physically down on myself and how I look, but my mind will not cooperate with my body enough to make a serious change. Then let's add some sexual tension in the mix (yeah, I said it) and it's just enough to send all of these emotions spilling out. I go from seeming very easygoing and fun to a freaking weeping willow who seriously can't get control of herself.
I'm a control freak. And in each area of life that is hurting, I have zero control. I feel so helpless and weak. I feel as though I've let God down by not going to Him. I feel like I'm letting Justin down by not being stronger, even though I know that's stupid. Tonight in the midst of a slightly emotional conversation the floodgates just burst forth, and I still have not regained full control of my tearducts. This was an hour ago. My eyes are so swollen. Because I have no choice but to compartmentalize my life, and I honestly don't have time to clean out the cabinets in my kitchen, let alone my heart.
I'm reminded of a verse in Psalms, "I lift my eyes up to the hills. Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth." I've honestly forgotten how to ask. I've forgotten how to listen. and I've forgotten how to receive. In 3 days, Thanksgiving break will be here. I will be able to allow myself to begin the process of digging through and healing from some of this baggage. Please pray that I can surrender my whole heart to Christ and that I can gain a sense of peace in all of this madness. As far as Satan goes? He can go straight back to hell where he came from.

With a Thankful Heart

I have been keeping track of people's various "thankfuls" on Facebook this month. This is probably the first year that I haven't done my own, and sadly it's because I forgot until I saw all of the other ones on Facebook and I hate being the one to jump onto the bandwagon. But I do need to articulate how truly grateful I am. There are no words to express how happy and full my heart feels, so I'll let some pictures describe it for you:







Yes, I am engaged. Looking back on some of my posts from a year ago, it's surreal to see how God has blessed me. I remember my first date with Justin. I was so nervous. I did not know how to handle it when he texted me before I even got home wanting to hang out again. You know that feeling where you are just waiting for the catch? That was me. Now, here I stand, engaged to the most wonderful, character-filled, kindhearted man that I know.

In church last Sunday, I looked over at my fiance during worship time and watched him sing to God. In that moment, I felt so blessed. Who am I to deserve to have what I have? In the past year, God has given me a partner in life, a new family, a fantastic job and closer relationships to people I love. It's overwhelming to know that my future is so bright. I can trust Justin to be the leader in our family, and I know that my kids will be raised to love Jesus because their parents have committed to do so forever.

Anyway, again, words can't express my gratitude this year. Probably the most meaningful Thanksgiving to me so far in life.

A Doozy of a Day

I have not blogged in over a month. That alone should tell you how life has been lately. Things have been a whirlwind! I am now engaged to a wonderful man, which I will dedicate an entire post to AS SOON AS MY FIANCE LOADS THE ENGAGEMENT PICTURES...cough cough!!! But for now, I'm going to blab a bit about my job.

Coming from teaching high school as well as Success, I NEVER could have imagined the work load of teaching elementary. When I taught 11th grade, I had a definite rhythm down by this time in the semester. I walked into school familiar with my curriculum and fairly confident of what I was doing. Granted, I HATED the discipline issues...hence, why I don't teach high school anymore. But I had my modifications down, my alternate assignments, etc.

Now, I am finishing the 10th week of school, and just had probably the worst day I've had all year. Something happened today that basically felt like the straw breaking my back. Everything that I had going that felt slightly "rhythmic" is changing and my 3rd grade world is turned upside down. I am going to have to start staying late again for a while, going back to the basics of planning everything one day at a time. Tonight, I would love to be looking at/working on wedding stuff. But I'm sitting here all tensed up, worried about tomorrow. I've gone from thinking I know what to expect, to not having a clue.

I also feel a good cry accumulating. I cry a lot more now that I have a teaching job...bless Justin's heart. I used to think I was super tough and didn't cry EVER, but I was very wrong. Now, it will start storing up and just break out at random times. I have the emotions of a pregnant woman (don't worry guys, that's a non-issue). It's annoying. I'm a control freak and would like to feel that I at least have control of myself.

I find myself not even praying about the situation. Honestly, the first thing I wanted to do when I got out of school today was find somewhere with super strong margaritas (which I didn't get to do because of Math Night at our school), not take all of this to the Lord in prayer. I don't even know what to say. I feel stupid. I feel inadequate. I feel like I should be able to handle 8 year olds without letting their behavior and lives affect me so.

Please say a little prayer for me, that I can still show love, light, and truth to these little ones, that I can have never ending patience, and that a sense of peace and calm would instill itself over my classroom.

And that I don't lose my mind. ;)

Friday Five

1. Scarves bring me a type of joy that not many people can understand. Now that it is fall, I will wear them regardless of the temperature. All colors. I also am excited that I can bring my purple leather jacket out of retirement soon. It's the little things that make me happy.

2. There is absolutely no way for me to finish a day in my 3rd grade classroom without having said at least once, "SERIOUSLY????"

3. Sundays are my absolute favorite days ever. Especially this Sunday. I get to sing at church, go watch my man play baseball at LAGRAVE FIELD like a BOSS, and get to go to what will end up being my favorite community group ever: "Before It Hits the Fan." WIN.

4. I feel like I perpetually have other things on my mind than what I should be thinking about. I'm distracted by things that I'm looking forward to rather than things that are at hand. The older I get, the more I'm convinced that I have ADD.....SQUIRREL!

5. I am in love with the most wonderful man I've ever met.

Selfishness and the Church

The dialogue/debate long occurring between established traditional churches and what many refer to as the "emergent church movement" continues to turn heads and raise many questions regarding not only Christian worship, but Christianity itself. Many of you know that my experience in church extends to both. I grew up Southern Baptist, went to a Baptist university, and now attend a non-denominational church that meets in a middle school. I am always attentive to news and comments regarding not only the differences and conversations between the two, but the global commentary on Christianity as a whole.

I have been awake since 2:30 am due to stupid fever, sore throat, chills, and achy disgustingness. So of course, what better to do than Twitter/Facebook stalk? Creepy, yet always a good time. I read a string of tweets from a friend of a friend this morning that spurred my thoughts a bit. This guy is not a believer, but I definitely agree with his over-all world view. The question that prompted in my mind is this: what is it, specifically, that causes some Christians to act the way that they do, thus causing an overall negative perception of the religion in the eyes of the public?

I've blogged about the whole legalism thing for what seems like forever. My soapbox still stands there. However, in listening to the series preached this past month by my pastor, I've tried to look at issues as the stem directly from the heart. Legalism and hatred are deeply rooted somewhere; they do not just appear out of nowhere. And what I believe causes idiocy in the faith is direct selfishness.

I believe that, in any kind of organized religion, there is a sense of pride in which you know in your heart of hearts that your beliefs are correct. You believe, without a shadow of a doubt, that your way is the only way, and depending on what you believe about eternity, there is a sense of urgency in which you try to convince everyone else to believe the same thing. It is because of this that Christians get offended when people argue with them, contradict them, debate them, and slander them. We quote Scripture at those who do not hold the same vantage point we do, and expect them to suddenly see "the light" and join our ranks.

The problem with this? We are more concerned with being right than actually living out our faith.

The entire point of Christ's sacrifice was not for organized religion. It was not for self-righteousness, or for the disciples to say "I told you so!" to the Pharisees. The way in which the Bible was written displays, instead, an attempt at relatability, a desire to make the knowledge and receiving of Christ's love accessible to Jews, Gentiles, anyone who wants the gift. The Gospels are written for varying audiences for this very purpose: so that ALL may know Him.

Is Jesus concerned with being right? Does He cringe when one church tries to worship with an electric guitar and a drum kit instead of a piano? Is He appalled when a Muslim walks through the door in order to simply gather information, or when a homosexual expects to be treated with integrity within the walls of the church? Absolutely not.

I think that we all need to take a good look at the basics. Our world is in crisis. Do I have to agree with everything that everyone says in order to be "tolerant"? Nope. I'm not a robot. I have beliefs, and I have opinions. But the idea of toleration is something that other religions do far better than Christianity. If anyone can show me the good of taking the beautiful words and actions of Jesus and using them for my own political agenda, or to prove a point, please tell me. Because from where I stand, pointing my finger at the wrongs of the world doesn't change anything.

My vision is that we all step down from our soapboxes and get our hands dirty. I want to work alongside people of different beliefs, in a setting in which we respect and appreciate each other as people, regardless of religious differences. I feel that, if Christians could put pride and selfishness aside, we might at least gain the respect of people who don't believe. And for me, that is good enough for now. I know that when I have been hurt by someone, that pain does not go away in the moment in which that person stops acting a fool. Similarly, it takes time for a view point to change. What if we partnered with organizations centered on showing compassion to the world, instead of questioning celebrity charity motives? What if my friends where (gasp) not just Christians? For me personally, that is how I gauge myself. Because I know that I am a human, I sin, and as much as I hate it, selfishness is present in my life. But I know that if I look at my friend pool, and see a variety of beliefs, colors, and walks of life, that I've at least gained the respect of those people as a person.

Do I fall into the category of people who think their way is the "right" way? Sure I do. I believe with all of my heart that Jesus is more than just a man, and that His love has saved me from the darkness that lurks inside my heart. I should not, and do not, feel that I need to apologize for that. I enjoy the right to be heard. But I'm not the only one who has that right.

Let's practice hearing others, caring about who they are instead of what they are labeled. Let's attempt to live out what we believe, rather than proclaiming it from a pulpit. Let's be unapologetic about our faith, but at the same time recognize that faith does not make us "better" or "worse" people; rather, that we are all equal on this earth and it's our job to do what we can to make that life as livable as possible. I believe that the fruits of this labor could in fact begin a change that could shift the worldview of Christianity as a whole, for the better.

My Personal Prayer Requests

I tend to hold out when it comes to allowing people to pray for me. However, sitting here thinking about all of the things I need to do, I'm overwhelmed and am refusing to be stubborn here. So...if you get the urge to say a few little words directed toward heaven, here are some things I'd really appreciate being lifted up for:

1. Memory retention. Not only am I in graduate school while teaching, but I also am taking the ESL test in a month to add that on to my certification. I have to have it by December and was too busy this summer to take it, so this is my only shot. I need to be able to study for class and remember all of that information, but also study for the ESL test as well as prepping for teaching every day.

2. Personal/Spiritual growth. I tend to put all of that stuff on the back burner while I handle whatever life throws at me. But now that I have another person who is affected by anything going on with me, I feel the need to make it a priority. I want to continue on the path of growing more like Christ, of being less dependent on myself and more dependent on Him to meet my needs. I desire to trust God implicitly with my heart and my life. Including the forgiveness stuff I blogged about earlier.

3. A spirit of calm. I get stressed/overwhelmed easily. Over stupid things. Sometimes it keeps me from sleeping and causes me to panic. This is dumb. I want to get over it. So I'm asking for prayer in that regard as well.

4. My future status as a wife and mom. I find myself daydreaming about those roles a lot lately. I don't know when either of those things will come to pass, but now is a great time to start practicing good things to help me be the best wife and mom that I can be. I've read the book called the Love Dare before, and I want to start putting some of those things into practice with Justin. Trying to show him that I love him in a new way everyday...nothing elaborate, just little things.

I'm pretty sure this encompasses everything right now. If you don't have time, then no worries. But I will accept any and all help in these areas I can get!

Junk in Your Trunk: To Forgive or Not to Forgive?

The latest series being preached at TCAL is called "U-Haul: Cleaning out the Junk in Your Trunk." Needless to say, it's been a repeated toe-stepping fest. Yesterday, Paul preached on forgiveness. I don't usually think of myself as a grudge-holder. However, it was brought to my attention that there are a lot of people that I'm angry with by default. People who have hurt my loved ones, people that have messed with the lives of people who are important to me. I also tend to blow off the hurts that I receive on a consistent basis, because I don't exactly know how to forgive someone who is still causing me pain.
It's strange to me that I struggle with this, because I've had some positive experiences with forgiveness, one pretty difficult one in particular. So it's not the most fun realization to discover that I still need some major work in forgiving others. I told a friend that I think the easiest way to do this is to make a specific list, not only of who I need to forgive, but of what they have done. Not fun. I repeat...NOT FUN. Not looking forward to it. But it's important to be able to forgive in order to enjoy God's best for me as well as the blessings He's already put in my life...which are so numerous I can't even count.
Not sure why I felt the need to post about it...but I guess it helps to have some accountability in that direction!

Romans 8: Overly Quoted and Misused

I feel that, out of all of Romans, I am the most familiar with this chapter. It seems like, when tragedy strikes, people like to quote this chapter the most, specifically verse 28. I don't necessarily want to get into the debate of why exactly bad things happen to good people, or how that works, but I've blogged about that before, and you can read it here.

What stood out to me more than the idea of God working out all things for good was what Paul says about trying to conquer the world and sin on our own. In the Message, verses 5-8 really paint an accurate picture:

5-8" Those who think they can do it on their own end up obsessed with measuring their own moral muscle but never get around to exercising it in real life. Those who trust God's action in them find that God's Spirit is in them—living and breathing God! Obsession with self in these matters is a dead end; attention to God leads us out into the open, into a spacious, free life. Focusing on the self is the opposite of focusing on God. Anyone completely absorbed in self ignores God, ends up thinking more about self than God. That person ignores who God is and what he is doing. And God isn't pleased at being ignored."

I had a friend ask me not too long ago why it is so important to be a Christian. This person observed that there are people all over who don't believe in Jesus, and they seem extremely happy. My response to that is, sure. It's possible to be happy without Christ (gasp from all the Southern Baptists). It is. People who aren't Christians don't walk around miserable all the time. The difference, to illustrate from the tattoo on my wrist, is HOPE.



When we live for ourselves, and we let ourselves down, and life happens, and things fall apart, where do we go from there? Without the hope that Christ is my comforter, my peace, my provider and my rock, I cannot stand. Without the idea that this life is not all that there is, I cannot withstand the suffering of this world. Without Him, I am forced to rely on myself and others, both of which are weak and inconstant. It is Jesus that provides us with a future, an "out." No matter how bad life is on earth, it is nothing compared to what eternity looks like without Christ. No matter how wonderful this world seems on our own, it's nothing compared to the riches and beauty that await the believer in heaven.

Earth: storm. Heaven: DOUBLE RAINBOW. ALL THE WAY. (if you haven't seen the youtube video, google it NOW).

Short and Sweet: Romans 7

So...yes, I read, but I will be honest. I am so tired that I can't even think straight. Some commonly quoted verses are in this chapter, and a lot of it goes along with what I discussed in the past 2 chapters, but I feel like I would be shortchanging the verses if I tried to write an in depth analysis. With my staff retreat today, I got a taste of what it's going to be like when I start my school schedule again. By 9 I was ready for sleep. lol
I'll try to combine some w/ Chapter 8 tomorrow.
xoxoxo

Romans 6: Who/What is my Master?

As much as I know the importance of context when reading the Bible, sometimes my brain chases a rabbit trail right into the root of a thought or problem going on in my life that is kinda-sorta connected to what Scripture is saying. In Chapter 6, Paul continues the sin/grace comparison in relation to the believer by talking about what controls us. He asks the Romans the rhetorical question of whether or not it is okay to live sinfully because of the grace we received, then answers it with what God has to say about it. What stood out to me here are verses 12-14:

"Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its lusts, and do not go on presenting the members of your body to sin as instruments of unrighteousness: but present yourselves to God as those alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God. For sin shall not be master over you, for you are not under law but under grace." (NASB)

And, for a fresh and more modern perspective, here are the same verses from The Message:

"That means you must not give sin a vote in the way you conduct your lives. Don't give it the time of day. Don't even run little errands that are connected with that old way of life. Throw yourselves wholeheartedly and full-time—remember, you've been raised from the dead!—into God's way of doing things. Sin can't tell you how to live. After all, you're not living under that old tyranny any longer. You're living in the freedom of God."

So I know that this is talking about sin. But the first thing that I think of when I read these verses is my struggle with weight. (I am not one of THOSE girls that sits with a bucket of Blue Bell crying about her weight to anyone who will listen, if you think it's stupid, don't read the blog. Simple.) I am the WORST at staying motivated, no matter what. I've been Turbo certified. I've taught Turbo. I've worked at a gym. I've done meal replacements. I'm a Beachbody coach. I lose 10, then gain it back. Never to I stay consistent for more than a month or two. I will look at pictures of my fitness friends and get so frustrated that I don't look like them, only to forget to work out, eat fried food, and drink soda. Sometimes it really does feel like I am not the master of that area in my life (See? Told ya it was a stretch).

What convicted me is that, while not being fitness queen might not be a sin, the lack of self-control and discipline is. The fact that I cannot deprive myself speaks volumes of a sin that I never really think about. And when I look at other areas of my life, the lack of self-control is sometimes present. Not really with money, I'm not a big spender, but in the lack of patience I've blogged previously about as well as my need for instant gratification, I don't have much self-control. It doesn't feel that free to me.

Not sure how to allow God to be the master of this area of my life. Not sure if this is what He wanted to teach me from this chapter. But at least it has me thinking and evaluating.

P.S. Thank you Kim Fultz for kicking my butt with that comment reminding me to get back to it! I went on like a 3 day hiatus and forgot completely. ;)

Sin vs. Grace: Romans 5

"When it's sin versus grace, grace wins hands down. All sin can do is threaten us with death, and that's the end of it. Grace, because God is putting everything together again through the Messiah, invites us into life—a life that goes on and on and on, world without end." -Romans 5:20b-21, The Message

I will admit right now that I have already sucked it up big time at this 21 Day Challenge. It's been almost 8 days and I am just now reading the 5th chapter of Romans. My first instinct is honestly to feel like a bad Christian. Why? Because, engrained within me, is this sense of earning salvation, this lack of understanding of what grace means.

Last year, Paul preached a sermon that ignited a fire, taking the spark planted in my heart during college regarding grace and letting it completely consume me. It was a series entitled "Breaking the Rules," and you can download it here by scrolling down to the 3 sermons from March/April of last year with that title. Believing that my acceptance of God's gift of salvation was enough was a hard pill to swallow, especially for a perfectionist like myself. I think that even in my most advanced understandings of grace, I still maintained a pious attitude about service and feared that if I stopped being a Super Christian, I would fall away from the grace given to me.

It means a lot to me to know that, no matter what the circumstance, grace wins. No matter what I have done in the past, do in the present, or are tempted to do in the future, His grace covers me. It is this love that pierces my desire to sin. When I hear about people who are in the midst of struggling to do right, I think that the most necessary action to take is to first try to understand the love of Christ. Because, once you truly see how much Jesus loves you, more than any individual on this earth, the desire to stray away from Him becomes such a distant murmur. Yes, it still exists and occurs, but it no longer drives you.

I feel very blessed to be loved by many people. I have a wonderful family, and a wonderful set of friends. I have a great church, and a man who I am in love with, and loves me back. Taking all of this into consideration, the love I receive from all of these individuals is a speck, a fragment of the love that God has showered over me in the death of His Son. How can I help but be radically changed?

I would like for people reading this to take a bit of a self-assessment as well as an assessment of me, simply for accountability purposes. Ask yourself if your actions stem from religious duty, a fear of disappointing God, or genuine love and adoration for Him. Then, as a personal favor, I would ask you what you see from me. I know what's in my heart, but I would hate to send a different message than the truth of what's going on. If you are brave enough to share, and to be completely honest, I'd love to hear your thoughts!

Newest Lesson to be Learned

In doing the 21 Day Challenge in which I read the book of Romans bit by bit each day, I am becoming more in tune with what God is telling me each and every day. With that comes the conviction of the Holy Spirit, which has not been absent from my life but significantly decreased. Things have been so wonderful in the past year and I have become extremely comfortable with the mountaintop. However, I feel that I have been made aware of something I definitely need to work on, and that is patience.

Tonight, this was ever present in my head and heart as I read my chapters (I forgot yesterday). I've spent the past week or so giving myself little pep talks here and there about contentment, relaxing, not controlling situations, and all of the other fun things that go along with correcting a lack of patience in life. However, tonight was the first time I've actually felt convicted about it. I remember when I was a kid, I used to pray "Lord, if I can just live until I am 16 so that I can date and drive, I promise I'll never ask for anything again." Seriously? It makes me laugh just thinking about it. But the truth is, I tend to live my life in continual pursuit of "the next step." I stop living in the "now" and begin to make plans as to what should happen next. Oh, if I had a dollar for every bargain with God that I've made out of impatience!

I realized in the past several hours that for me to refuse the enjoyment of God's blessings in my life is selfish and spoiled. It is selfish both towards God and to anyone else involved. Who am I to decide the natural order of things in life, both little or big? When did it become my job to orchestrate the comings and goings of the world around me? When did I stop living by faith and instead living by sight?

Romans 3 and 4 talk a lot about faith. I was reminded that the people running hard after God's heart were most often unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel, let alone the next step. Abraham specifically is used as an example of someone who understood the power of faith over works. I can sit and try to become the puppet master of my own life, or I can allow God to continue to bless me in the way in which He deems fit, and in the timing which He sees necessary. In the grand scheme of things, my life is but a vapor. It's ridiculous that I seem unable to see past the end of my nose when it comes to certain things.

I challenge my readers to take some time in the next day or so to reflect on your ability to appreciate your blessings and trust in God's timing. I ask you to partner with me in prayer that we will be able to be like Abraham, a generation who truly walks by faith.

Day 2, Romans 2

Well, here we go. Two days in a row! I feel good about that accomplishment. Hey, it's the little things. Anyhoo, here we go.

I love what Chapter 2 reveals about the impartiality of God. Paul hits the nail on the head when he says that when we judge one another, we condemn ourselves (v. 2). So often, we do not trust God to take care of His business with other people. I know how guilty I have been of this, often times calling it accountability or "church discipline." Not that either of those things are bad in and of themselves, but it is not my job to become the Jesus Police. Just because someone is doing something that I don't think is the right thing to do, I don't have the right to assume how God is going to handle it and decide in my head and heart what kind of person that individual is.

He continues on, referring to the gap between Jews and Gentiles, but the message is applicable for us all: "You who preach that one shall not steal, do you steal? You who say that one should not commit adultery, do you commit adultery? You who abhor idols, do you rob temples? You who boast in the Law, through your breaking the Law, do you dishonor God?" (v. 21-23) The most important part of "following the Law" is to continually self-check. Ugh...no matter how long I have been fighting this, these verses are a huge slap in the face. Even today, I have definitely cast judgement on more than one individual, even though I sit here having allowed myself to become more distant with God out of sheer laziness. Bam. Conviction. Thanks, Holy Spirit.

All that to say, my concern needs to shift to the point where it is about me and Jesus...no one else. I can encourage, I can speak truth, but cannot allow myself to put myself into God's shoes in their lives.

Sidenote: One thing that I have realized in the past 24 hours is that I can easily talk about God being first in my life, but is He really? Do I genuinely love Him more than certain individuals in my life, or do I say this out of duty and habit? Just a thought.

21 Day Challenge, Post 1, Romans 1

It's a fact that habits are so much more difficult to begin than to maintain. However, when life hits you like a ton of bricks, it seems like the best habits for you are the first to go. For me, reading the Bible has become this habit that I have let go to the wayside. I remember being at Starbucks every morning last year at 6:45, getting 30 minutes of reading and reflection in before work. Now I scramble out the door and allow myself to be filled with mindless activity, forgetting the passages I've previously hidden in my heart. In part, I've fought getting back into the habit due to my hatred of legalism, but most of it is just laziness. This past Sunday, Paul issued a challenge to us all to read the Bible every day for 21 days. He gave different passages for people in different walks of faith, and the one I chose is Romans. So...in order to stay accountable, I am going to try and blog about each chapter that I read...I'll summarize, reflect, and question/apply. I welcome thoughts and will do better about commenting back.

That said, let's get crackin'.

In my Bible, Chapter 1 is divided up into 2 segments: "The Gospel Exalted" (v. 1-17) and "Unbelief and its Consequences" (v. 18-32). I'm going to talk about each separately and do my best to not put my own truth into it...sigh. Harder than it seems.

Reaction to writing about Part 1:



Part one is composed of mostly introductory stuff. Paul is writing a letter to the believers in Rome. First and foremost, I've always loved Paul. He's a stud. The books of the NT that he wrote have always been my favorites...I don't know, maybe it's his unapologetic viewpoint that just resonates with me. Anyway, most of the time I skim through this part, but I made myself focus on each verse this time. One thing that I noticed is that Paul is using this opportunity to fervently encourage his fellow believers. He tells them: "unceasingly I make mention of you, always in my prayers making request...for I long to see you...that is, that I may be encouraged together with you while among you, each of us by the other's faith, both yours and mine" (v. 10-12). I love this example of Christian encouragement. Paul has been separated from this body of believers for some time, yet he maintains this relational aspect of their connection. They are not just "Christians" who are hosting a guest speaker. They truly love each other in Christ and do the best they can to meet each other's needs. I imagine Paul finally arriving to Rome and asking them "What can I do for you? How can I serve you?" and vice versa.

I also love the point of this encouragement. It is not for self-righteousness or an ego boost...it is so that the gospel is preached. Verse 16 is a widely known verse: "I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes, to the Jew first and also to the Greek." The love Paul expresses and receives for/from Christ is not exclusive. It is accessible to anyone! The way in which he "preaches" this in the beginning of this letter is simply by expressing his love. I love this. To quote Paul Mints, "This is a football." Going back to the basics...the love of Christ brings the free gift of salvation to any who will receive it.

This next part isn't so fun. Reaction to having to write about Part 2:



Ugh. It's so much more fun to talk about encouragement than sin. Seriously. But I am going to hash it all out and be honest about what I think and whether or not it lines up with God's word. Suck.

Paul begins talking about ungodliness and God's reaction to it. I've never really thought about it before, but this passage reeks of the consequences of free will. The people he is talking about know the truth of God...they have seen His creation, His power, etc. but are choosing to live ungodly lives, which is "suppressing the truth in unrighteousness," i.e. becoming a stumbling block for those around them seeking the truth. These are the individuals that have "exchanged the glory of the incorruptible God for an image in the form of corruptible man..." (v. 23) In this instance, Paul means a tangible idol, but I think that it can be applied to anything we place before Christ. Now, note the wording of the next verse here: the Word says "For this reason God gave them over in the lusts of their hearts..." Never does it say "smote" or "hatefully caused"...God simply allowed them to do what they wanted to do. He gave them the choice. He allowed the sin they so readily ate up to consume them. Translation in Caty-ese: Satan uses free will to lead us on the path of destruction, and God loves us enough to let us choose, even though He knows what is best. Wow, what it must be like to be God. I would be horrible at it. I'd get so annoyed with people making stupid decisions I'd just wipe them out or use some excellent mind control technique or something. Again, thank goodness we don't have any Caty Almighty stuff going on up in here.

The next part is something that I will be blogging about in a series I plan on attempting called "Taboo Topics." While Paul is talking about this refusal on God's part to turn us into robots, he specifically addresses the issue of homosexuality: "For this reason God gave them over to degrading passions; for their women exchanged the natural function for that which is unnatural, and in the same way also the men abandoned the natural function of the woman and burned in their desire toward one another, men with men committing indecent acts and receiving in their own persons the due penalty of their error" (v. 26-27). For those of you chomping at the bit, I promise I'm not stopping there and will give full attention to the context of the verses around it. But when things get right down to it, the word of God is examining the sexual relationship between members of the same sex, and is categorizing it as ungodly. I'll be honest: I HATE THIS. I hate that this is the truth that I'm finding. I have friends who are homosexual. They are wonderful people. I love them dearly. So does God. And not just in a "love them to Jesus" way..for me, there is no "us" and "them." The next few verses provide a little relief from this heart pang, and really puts a lot of the self-righteousness out there to rest.

Last few verses:
Other ungodly acts/characteristics listed in the remaining verses are as follows: unrighteousness, wickedness, greed, evil, envy, murder, strife, deceit, malice, gossiping, slander, hate, insolence, arrogance, pride, disobedience to parents, refusing to understand, untrustworthiness, unloving, unmerciful....wow. If you think for one second you haven't been on that list, get a reality check. I don't know why Paul goes into detail about homosexuality and not the other things...honestly my guess is that he wanted to be able to explain what he meant, because sexuality in and of itself is not a sin...perhaps he wanted to clarify. I don't know. Another blog, another time. But, bottom line, sin is sin. It's all bad. It's all consuming. There is no sin that is only "kind of ungodly." Anyway, what we end with here at the end of chapter 1 is the process of being encouraged, followed shortly by a brutal beating in which we realize that we are irrevocably screwed up and that we did it to ourselves. Awesome.

I hate ending with that, but I am not going to skip ahead. I will be writing some thoughts about Chapter 2 tomorrow. Please join me in this challenge! It's not too late!

Peace.
-Caty

Faces of a Woman

A couple of weeks ago, our pastor preached a sermon in a series called "Life's Toughest Questions." We discussed the idea of manhood, specifically what it looks like to be a godly man. Paul talked about the four faces of a godly man, which you can listen to here. The four he listed were the King, the Warrior, the Lover, and the Friend. It was quite excellent. Since that Sunday, I have been trying to apply the same principles to my own sex: What are the faces of a godly woman? Here are some of the ideas that I have.

Face #1: The Princess



As a little girl, I was told quite often that I was a princess. Most of us girls eat the fairy tales up, and don't EVEN tell me you never had a Disney Princess costume. I was all about Cinderella and Ariel, myself. In Psalm 45, though it doesn't specifically call us royalty, God's love for us is articulated in this way: "The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor Him, because He is your lord" (v. 11). Zephaniah talks about God being a great warrior in our midst who quiets us with His love, and rejoices over us with singing. As a woman, we live life perpetually asking the subliminal question: am I beautiful? We ask this in how we dress, how we act around men, our relationships with our fathers, etc. As a godly woman, we must embrace the God-given role we have, as His cherished one, the beloved of the king.

There are a couple of distortions of this. On one hand, there is the diva. The diva is self-centered and self-righteous. She is entitled to receive everything she wants and bails when things do not go her way. The other distortion is the pauper. The pauper does not acknowledge any worth at all. She feels worthless and allows other people to tell her who she is and isn't. She is afraid of being beautiful and does not acknowledge God's love as an active agent in her life.

Face #2: The Fighter



Any woman who has ever seen someone she loved being threatened has in some way or another become the Fighter. Women are ferocious defenders of what is theirs...specifically loved ones. I know that as much as I hate conflict, the times in my life I have felt infuriated and bold are when someone is physically, emotionally, or mentally hurting people who are close to me. Family, friends, boyfriend, you name it. There is no limit to what the fighter will do for her family and for her God. She lives her faith with boldness and confidence and refuses to compromise her integrity. She stands for what is right, even when it is not popular.

The first distortion of this is the bully. Most of the time, I think this manifests itself when a woman has been beat down by men (again, not always just physically) and has decided to be Ms. Independent to the extreme. The powerhouse woman who feels good when she makes someone else, especially a man, feel inferior, the woman who manipulates in order to get her way, etc. The other distortion is the victim. This woman allows herself to be run over. She does not understand her worth, so she does nothing to protect herself. She allows the world to live her life for her, instead of taking the wheel herself.

Face #3: The Nurturer



It is in the nature of a woman to look after the well being of others. I am not a mother, yet I still possess and express this quality. In the creation account, Eve is created as a helpmate to Adam; she is someone who is entrusted to look after him, to partner with him in life and in love. It is in our blood to actively love. As a wife, the nurturer values her husband, makes him feel loved, appreciated, special...like he can take on the world. As a mother, the nurturer entrusts in her children the ability to thrive, to grow up, to develop a positive character, to feel safe. As a woman in general, the nurturer manifests herself in her ability to show compassion upon people of all shapes and sizes, to meet the needs of others as best she can.

I see the first distortion of the nurturer as the "momma bear." The momma bear will not allow independence in the ones she nurtures. Her husband feels suffocated, her children become dependent on her or resentful, depending on experience, and her friends see her as insecure and unrealistic. The momma bear finds self worth in how much other people need her. The opposite distortion is the cynic. The cynic feels that it is the hard knocks of life that teach people how to be who they are. They show little compassion and sympathy for others, see tears as weakness, and refuse to take an active role in loving their loved ones. To the cynic, love is not something that is actively expressed, but simply understood.

Face #4: The Friend





This final face of a woman is the same as the last face of the man, but I think it is equally important for both similar and different reasons. Women are sharers. We share our lives with others. It is this contact with other women that keeps us sane...our ability to verbally process our lives, to joke about things that men do not understand, to feel as though being stressed to the max is not only okay but understandable...these are the connections we need. As a verbal processor, it is important for me to continuously connect with my friends. I bounce ideas off of them, I allow myself to be completely real, in the hopes of making even stronger connections. As Christians, we need this connection to people of our own gender. I do not know of a single woman who is both healthy and happy yet is missing the bond of other women to keep them grounded.

Distortions of this are both the clingy one and the loner; people who can't function without their friends, and people who withdraw from social situations. Neither of these are glorifying to God or enjoyable. In Ecclesiastes, there is a verse that says "A cord of three strands is not easily broken." How true! I have been able to stand independently, on my own two feet, through the love and compassion of my friends.

These are merely my interpretations on what Paul's sermon looks like for women. Any thoughts? Opinions? Disagreements?

A Single Girl's Rant that Will Likely Tick You Off if You are Married

An hour after feeling so sleepy I could barely keep my eyes open, I find myself wide awake and hating the fact that I need to get up in 6 hours to work out. So naturally, the cure would be to revive this dusty old blog and process through a rant that has been building up for probably a month or so.

Disclaimer: Yes, I am aware that I am not married, nor have I ever been married. I have probably dated less people than you, so you probably are right about the fact that I am young, naiive, and don't know what I am talking about. If it ticks you off, don't read my blog.

Other Disclaimer: If you do read, please read all the way through, so that you don't think that I'm a Debbie Downer on life...I promise I say nice things too.

Since I was a little girl, I have dreamed of what it would be like to grow up, meet Prince Charming, get married and start a family. I had a dress up trunk that had a toddler sized white dress with a veil and tiara, and my friends and I traded off being the bride. I think most little girls do this, and if not, then they should. It's a great time. My parents got a divorce when I was 5, but thanks to maturity and love for me from both ends, I think that I avoided the cynicism towards love and marriage that many kids from a "broken home" experience (I don't consider mine broken but that's the only term I can think of). As I got older, several of my friends went through similar experiences, but it never bothered me or seemed weird. Even in college, when my friends' parents would suddenly split, we would talk about it as if it were several degrees of separation between us and them...and I guess it was.

Now I am almost 24, going on my 3rd year out of school, and I feel almost blindsided by the amount of marriages I see falling apart. People falling out of love, cheating, lying, shutting down emotionally, purposely hurting one another, hurting their children, and consequently hurting themselves. Perhaps it is because the trend has shifted from parents of friends to friends themselves, I don't know, but I suddenly see so many people whom I have known in their "in love" phases drastically come to a place where they question why they are married at all. Names continuously change back and forth on Facebook as "so and so" switches back to her maiden name because the first marriage just "didn't work out." I'm going to be honest...I hate it and it makes me sick.

Here is what I don't understand: when you stand at the altar and repeat the vows presented before you, and you heard the words "For Better or Worse..." what part of "Worse" did you not understand? The covenant that you are making, broken down, is this: No matter how good it gets, or how BAD it gets, I will be faithful to love you though it. Were you just so excited to have sex with the person that you were blanking out through your vows? Were you just trying to make the other person happy? Did you think that the "worse" aspect would never happen to you, that you were the exception? Now, please hear me, there are a couple of things not included in this blanket statement. If you are getting beaten, or if your children are in danger, GET OUT. If your spouse cheats on you, you have the biblical right to end things if you so choose. But the "I just don't love him/her anymore" line does not fly with me. At all. Here's why.

I have had several people give me crap about the infatuation stage of a relationship. "Well, it's all fun and games now, Skinner," they say, "but wait until you stop being so INFATUATED with one another. Then the real work begins." Ok, you know what? Guess who is not a complete and total idiot? This girl. I am aware that, at one point or another in a relationship, there comes a few times when you have to choose to love a person not out of the butterflies in your stomach, but because you have committed to do so. I don't claim to know when this will happen or how it will manifest itself, but it's going to happen. For my pastor, he said it happened both 6 months after his marriage as well as about 7 years in. But guess what? I sure as hell am not going to sit there on my butt, say to myself, "Oh crap, this sucks, guess everyone was right," and not do anything about it. You know why? Because my marriage will fall apart.

If you know me, you know that I am a planner, and a proactive one at that. I like to take all sorts of preventative measures to avoid conflict, drama, and other issues. Same with marriage. I think that having a realistic expectation of marriage is so important, and I think that by knowing it won't always be perfect, I'll have a better perspective when conflict arises. When I see something in my character or personality now that I forsee causing issues later, I nip it in the bud. Example: me and conflict. I hate conflict and have in the past refused to speak up because I feel stupid. I've now committed to myself that, if something is wrong, no matter how stupid I think it is, I make myself voice it. Also, if you know me, you also know that when I love someone, I love them fiercely, with all of my being, and will fight for them. You better believe that if I am committing my life to you, that I will fight for "us" with everything that is in me. I will do whatever it takes to keep my marriage together, to actively love my spouse, no matter what.

I feel like I sound like I'm pessimistic about the whole thing, but I am soooo not. I love the idea of marriage and am excited about being married someday. I believe that, when I get married, it will be the most wonderful decision besides accepting Christ as my Savior that I will make. I see many examples of marriages that just overflow love and contentment. My family shows me that kind of love and commitment every day that I am around them. That's my point. I'm 23 (almost 24) years old...there is a lot about the future that I don't know. What if I can't have kids? What if one of my parents dies? What if a parent of my spouse dies? What if, what if, what if....there are a lot of things that could happen that would put a strain on two people trying to love each other through the better and worse of life. But all I know is, on my end at least, there is nothing that can or will happen that will kill my passion for what is right, what honors the Lord, and what furthers my ability to love.

Furthermore, I think it is extremely selfish to say that you are done trying to make it work. Yeah, I know. Your spouse is a jerk. He/she doesn't appreciate you. He/she doesn't meet your needs. Well, duh! Only God can do that! He is the one who will make you feel like you are worth anything. He is the only stable, perfect source of love in your life that will not let you down. All you can control is how you love others, not how they love you in return. Humble yourself enough to do what it takes, whether that be praying for the ability to love your spouse, going to see a counselor, talking to the pastor of your church, all of the above. Make. It. Happen...at least on your end. Then you can at least say that you have done everything you can do. Do not play the "what if" game...there is no "what if." Make your current situation as good as it can be instead of playing out scenarios that will not happen.

As hard as it is to believe, I say all of this partially out of anger, but mostly out of love and pain for my brothers and sisters in Christ who are allowing Satan to have a stronghold in their marriage. DO NOT let him win! God intends marriage to be the ultimate culmination here on earth, an act of worship allowing us to have a deeper picture of His love for us. Allow God to work in your lives, to draw you closer to Him THROUGH the ups and downs of life...don't avoid them and allow the enemy to speak his lies into your heart. Take a stand. Stand for what's right.

Sidenote: I do not believe that I, nor most of the friends I have that are accused of this, am "infatuated." It's called being in love. Let us enjoy it instead of trying to make other people feel guilty for being happy.

I welcome all feedback, positive and negative, and am willing to discuss this issue further, though I stand by my own convictions and will not likely change my mind.

Get Real Monday....on a Tuesday (or is it Wednesday?)

So, this post is going to serve two purposes. One: to pose a question to other bloggers and friends out there, and two: to try to refigure my brain a little bit.

I usually don't participate in Get Real Monday. Most of the time, what I have to "get real" about is no different than what I would normally say or how I act. I consider myself pretty honest, even too much so at times. I suck at lying, even if it's just a weird facial expression due to an emotion. But I got called out on something on Friday, and I've been stewing over it this weekend and just can't really shake it. So, blog community, let me ask you...

What is the thing about yourself (apart from any physical insecurity) that you like the least? And, once you have identified this feature, how do you go about fixing it?

As I was sitting with my student on Friday, I was talking to one of my aides about my random thought process and how much I dislike it. I consider myself a pretty mellow person, over all. I'm low maintenance, pretty easy to please, hater of drama, etc. But I AM a worrier. It comes in phases, most of the time when things are going really well in my life. It's not as hard for me to have faith when things are crappy, because leaning on Jesus for strength and trusting Him are kind of a package deal. But for me, when things seem grand, I start to doubt and wonder where the catch is. I get a thought going in my head, maybe an insecurity or a worry, and it just makes its home in my brain and repeats itself over and over. I was telling this to my aide, and she told me that I sound extremely OCD to her. Confused based on my disorganized lifestyle, I waited for more of an explanation. She told me that the way I fixate on thoughts is such an OCD thing, combined with my perfectionist inability to be okay with making mistakes. Therefore I feel guilty for worrying and I rip myself to shreds.

The trouble with this is that none of these ways of dealing with it is honoring to God. The past couple of weeks it just seems like my brain is on overload, constantly trying to just take it easy and go along for the ride, enjoying the good times. Easier said than done for me. I can't seem to let go, or if I do, it's a repeated effort. I'm tired of beating myself up over it, but it's honestly freaking frustrating to know that you worry too much yet not be able to simply say "Okay, I'm done worrying now." I know what needs to happen, but it's a matter of not allowing Satan the victory of any power over my mind.

I need to spend some time with God. I need to remember Shannon's words so deeply engraved in my mind: "God is the only One who will ever satisfy ALL of your needs and wants, including how you feel about yourself." I need to surrender control...which sucks and is hard for me to do. And I need to stop trying to fix myself, and to trust that people around me love me for me (shout out, JJ Heller).

Easier said than done, but it needs to be done. Lord, help me know where to start, and help me to loosen my grip.

Sex and the City-Why on earth am I Charlotte?

Unlike most Sex and the City fans, I tuned into the series about 2 years ago when I started recording the episodes on TBS. The first movie came out before I'd ever seen a single episode, and I went to see it simply out of boredom that summer. After watching several episodes, I fell in love with the series. I always wanted to "be" Carrie, because of her stellar fashion and her blogging/writing tendencies. If I could have a dream job, it would be doing what Carrie does. However, I can never seem to find a connection to the root of Carrie's character, which is her inability to make selfless decisions, specifically in relationships. Miranda? Not really. Yes, I am opinionated, but I never am able to articulate myself like her. And I am not a career woman. Samantha, PLEASE. Could not be less like a character. But I have always been turned off to Charlotte because of her rich-girl style and annoying nagging. However, a couple of friends have persistently told me that I am a Charlotte, and after lots of thinking, I'm going to have to agree. Sigh. Here's why:



Charlotte is seen as the prudish one of the girls, constantly cringing at the mention of certain explititives, searching relentlessly for a husband, donning classic solid color suits and pearls. I think that's why I've been so resistant to being labeled as a Charlotte; I HATE being the one who doesn't understand the jokes, who doesn't think that those dumb boot/sandal things are cute, who refuses to wear skinny jeans. I hate it when people give each other that look across the table when I innocently look around and say "What???" But I do relate to Charlotte's ability to not only retain her traditional views on marriage and family, but to, for the most part, make good decisions. Not saying that I'm a fountain of wisdom, but I definitely would NEVER do some of the stupid stuff that Carrie does. Charlotte is apalled when she finds out Carrie is cheating with Big. "You're the other woman!" she exclaims. Her views on cheating are the same as mine; however, Charlotte finds herself in the midst of women who have all sorts of views toward relationships and monogamy. She evolves as the series evolves, culminating in the second movie when she gets all that she wants and is STILL overwhelmed. When Charlotte stresses, she overreacts, whining, crying, high pitched voices, etc........arrow pointing to ME. I hate that I'm like that, but maybe being aware makes it better? lol

All that to say, I definitely am a Charlotte, and I'm proud. She is a strong woman who loves her husband, her children, and her friends. She is consistently there for the girls, no matter what. She is a believer in true love, and will, when the occasion calls for it, throw in a curse word for emphasis (a-thank you). To all of you other Charlottes out there, don't be ashamed!!!

Why do bad things happen to good people?

This world is a messy one to live in. I think that no one would argue with that. There are some awful people who do some pretty twisted things. When we hear on the news that a terrorist has been arrested, we rejoice. When we hear that a murderer has been caught and is off the streets, we breathe sighs of relief. However, in the world that we live in, it is not always the case that justice, at least as we see it, is served. There are occasions, several in fact, that really good people suffer tragic circumstances, for seemingly no reason.
Unfortunately, the first thing people do during times like these is point the finger at God. There are often several ways that this goes down:
1) Blame God. Ask "How could a good God do something so horrible to me?"
2) Treat God as the "Almighty Smiter"...i.e. "I must have done something horrible, and God is punishing me."
3) Refuse to acknowledge that God has any part in it whatsoever..."It's MY life, and I refuse to acknowledge any divine circumstances. At all."
Each one of these are, honestly, understandable in their own ways. It's our human nature to question, to doubt, etc. However, based on what I know of God and His love for mankind, I refuse to believe that any of these are true. The one I was always fed the most as a young Christian was #2. "You have to find a purpose for all of this! There is no reason you would be going through this unless God was teaching you something." The only problem I have with this philosophy is that it insinuates that God is the CAUSE of these awful times...which I don't really believe.
The only scripture that debates my thoughts on the subject is in Job, when God allows Job to be put through torturous things in order to test his faith. That said, here's the conclusion I've come to:
-Due to the fact that we have free will, we have made many bad choices that have allowed awful things to come into this world.
-God loves us so much that He takes the big mess and uses it for good in the world.
-There are times that things are just unexplainable, and we have to cling to what we know of God and His great love for us to get us through, and trust that He will take care of us.
It's easy to say all of these things when I am not in the midst of tragedy. There are people all around me who are suffering from cancer, from losing a loved one, from losing a job, etc. But I hope that when I am faced with these things, I can remember to stop necessarily asking "Why?" and to instead cling to God for comfort and refuge.

I will come back and add to this post later, I think, but right now my brain is all jumbled from multitasking. :)

Trust Issues...dumb.

Do you have those friends in your life who seem to always know the right thing to say to other people, but when it comes to their own lives they never seem to follow their own advice? If you are friends with me, then the answer is a loud, resounding YES. Which, by the way, I greatly dislike about myself. When people talk to me about things that they are going through or struggling with, I feel like I can see the big picture pretty clearly and help give some sound advice most of the time, especially when it is about spiritual stuff. But when it comes to a difficulty or any situation in my own life, I am the first one to worry furiously, grind my teeth, and focus only on what I can see instead of walking with faith.

This, my friends, is FRUSTRATING. And as much as I want to just maintain my zen-like attitude and feel at peace, I get so dadgum angsty! Right now, it is mostly having to do with work, both in my current job and my attempts to line up a job for next year. My situation here at work is getting worse and worse, and I have the bruises to prove it. Not that I am not grateful for the opportunity, and I do love my student, but it's just hard. I am simultaneously trying to do my job and hunt for a teaching job against hundreds of other applicants who are free to go and do as they please during the day. As I watch the positions go from 25 to 20 to today's count of 13, I start to feel anxiety creeping in. Wednesday night it hit an all time high as I couldn't even go to sleep because I was so tense. Poor Justin caught the brunt of it via FB chat--in case you don't know me that well, I have such a hard time articulating when I am that upset, so his signal that something was up was my awkward silence and unusual calm behavior during hang out time. :) But today I am convicted about it, because seriously, it is ridiculous that I don't trust God to take care of me.

The whole reason I named my blog "Elevated Ebenezer" is from the story in the Old Testament about Samuel and the Israelites defeating the Philistines with the help of the Lord. Samuel places a large rock in the place where this amazing victory occured, calling the stone "Ebenezer" which means "thus far, the Lord has been faithful to us." It served as a reminder which, when discouraged, the Israelites could reflect on and use to help encourage them to trust God. In the song "Come Thou Fount," there is a line that says "Here I raise my Ebenezer, hither by thy help I come." This has been my life motto and my encouragement. Any time I doubt, I desire to take the ebenezer stones in my life and use them to spur me on. And that is what I need to do now.

When I quit teaching last year, lots of people thought it was stupid. And financially, yes it was. But God provided a job for me right on time. And when that didn't work out, he provided another one. He allowed me to focus on my masters and accomplish things I never thought I could. He allowed me to be more involved in TCAL, even leading a small group. He allowed me to make new friends and to meet Justin this semester. Who knows if any of that would have happened if I had not quit at Midlo? I know that if I had done another year, I likely would never have thought to teach elementary, which brings me such joy.

Now, here I sit, with the worries of "What if I don't get a job?" constantly on the brain. Well, I might not. But I need to trust that God has something planned for me, and it might not be exactly how I think it should go, but it will be BETTER than what I can imagine.

That said, I have an interview at 4:30 today. I am giving myself this talk to prep in the event that I don't get hired. Say a little prayer for me!

Quest for Sanity at my Wit's End

I have been reading the Chronicles of Narnia to my student over the past month and a half. We have finished all the way up through Voyage of the Dawn Treader and are halfway through The Silver Chair at the moment. However, my favorite of the series has been and will probably always be The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe. While hiding in a wardrobe, the Pevensie children discover a magical land filled with creatures, beauty, a Witch, and a powerful Lion who gives His life to save all of Narnia (um, hello allegory). Love it.
At the moment, I am in hot pursuit of some cabinet drawer or closet space that will take me into a mystical land in which I can find some way to stay sane in the next 3 weeks. All of a sudden, all of the blood, sweat, and tears (literally) I have been putting into my job feel as though they have been in vain. All of the progress that I felt has been made is being undone. Not only does it hurt my heart, but it infuriates me beyond anything I've ever felt.
I don't really get angry. Irritated? Yes. Disappointed? Duh. But never anger. However, today I really thought I could lose it...my whole body went hot and I had to leave the room in order to keep from yelling. Immediately after my episode, I started crying because all that anger had to have somewhere to go.
I'm praying today that God will give me patience that is not of my own doing, a peaceful spirit, and the ability to comparmentalize my life and leave all of this mess at work when I leave today. I know that I need a release of some kind...it will likely be Chalean Extreme later on!

Let's Talk about L-O-V-E

In the past 10 minutes, I have had my iTunes on shuffle, and at least 3 songs have come on. Each one, in its own way, deals with love. Brandon Rhyder understands love by embracing each tiny moment in life in his song "Freeze Frame Time" (GREAT song btw). Celine Dion (don't judge) wonders "Where Does My Heart Beat Now?" because her love has been shattered and is gone...how can she survive? And "Crank That" by Soulja Boy Tell Em....well let's just say that kind of love is made, not felt. I think I'll leave that one alone. Ha ha.
At my church, The Community at Lake Ridge, our pastor talks a lot about love, especially in the series we are doing now about Loving Strong. Last year Paul talked about relationships and how most people go into relationships with the idea that they NEED someone to complete them, to make them happy. Little Jerry Maguire saying "You complete me!" sets us up to think that we cannot survive without some romantic love. As a result, we go into relationships as incomplete people, expecting 1/2 + 1/2 to equal 1 whole person. However, in Paul Mints math, we multiply: 1/2 x 1/2 = 1/4...more incompletion. Paul asserts that we must, in fact, be entirely whole and okay in order to truly and healthily "love" someone. And I agree.
In class on Thursday, somehow we got in a discussion about Christian love vs. normal love. After listening to frustratingly inaccurate descriptions of Christian love, I just threw the statement out that Christians believe that love comes from God, and so if I am loving you in Christian love, it's not mine but God's love that that person is receiving. Instead of seeing that as awesome, most people saw that as love with an ulterior motive, which I really don't understand. All that to say, involving God in the equation completely changes how we must view love. The ultimate act of love is God's sacrifice for us; He loves us with a never ending, life-altering love. Most people, even Christians, live the entirety of their lives without ever experiencing that kind of love...we go through the motions and believe in who God is and in His Son, but we never allow ourselves to FEEL loved by him. I know that for some men especially, it seems weird and a little ooky to think about letting one's guard down and just let God lavish His love onto them...but, in my opinion, experiencing this wonderful love is the only way for us to healthy love another person.
I remember when Paul and Shannon were both talking about their relationship, and Shannon said that she had to become completely satisfied in God's love for her in order for her and Paul to experience a healthy relationship. I think that this is what Paul means by being a whole person. Here is what happens when we realize that God's love is the best, that it's never going to compare with anything we have on earth, and that it COMPLETELY satisfies:

-We stop feeling insecure about being good enough (because we don't have to prove that to God)
-We stop actively seeking relationships with anyone and everyone
-We begin to exude this love onto others, making us more joyful people, thus more attractive inside and out
-We nip so many marriage problems in the bud that stem from clinginess, insecurity, jealousy, etc.

When I say that I know this from experience, I don't mean that "Oh, well, I used to be so insecure, but now that I've tapped into this concept, I'm a love machine..." although that would be really fun to say (I used an accent while saying that in my head...just FYI). But I went FOUR years without being in a relationship with a guy. FOUR YEARS! People...that's a long time. And it wasn't because I didn't want to. I would have spurts where I would get so frustrated with being alone that I would just go on random dates with people I knew it probably wouldn't work with, or would try to change myself in order to get certain people to like me. But something about being out of school and on my own changed a lot of that. Somehow, God started to be enough. I began to not care about relationships that much, which made me enjoy every other facet of my life so much more fully. I had a job, a fabulous church, great friends, wonderful family, all of which were providing me with that love that I wanted so badly. I realized that a man would be a wonderful little added bonus to the mix, but was not necessary to providing me with happiness.

Now that I'm finally dating someone, I'm so glad that I had that time to learn a lot of the tough lessons. I can safely say that there has not been a moment where I've been insecure, jealous, worried, neurotic, etc. about what Justin is thinking/saying/doing. I'm so happy I could burst...and yes, he contributes to that in so many ways, but regardless of how much I enjoy being around him and care about him, being with him does not "complete" me. I am loved so deeply by God, that I'm already filled up....which means that any love that he shows me is icing on the cake...wonderful, delicious icing...lol. I can enjoy being with him without sucking the life out of him, and looking for him to make me okay. Because, guess what: that is impossible. No one person can MAKE you be okay. And that is the quickest way to ending a relationship.

For true love to not only exist but flourish, both individuals must be healthy, whole people who understand that it is not their significant other's job to fill them up. It is only then that a person can truly ENJOY another's love as well as give that kind of love to another person. Not saying that I'm the love expert, but I feel like the past few days I have seen SO many people who feel defeated and let down by their relationships, and I felt like throwing some thoughts out there. Any feedback, both positive or negative, is always welcome!

Cancer Can Suck It

I just finished reading my lovely friend Kelley's new blog, "Feel the Ta-Tas." Kelley just found out that she has breast cancer. As I read about all of her experiences leading up to beginning her blog, I got sick to my stomach. Kelley is one of the most godly women I'm blessed to know, and I know that if anyone can kick cancer's butt, it's her (I stole this blog title from one of her possible titles listed on her blog). But still...the word makes me cringe.
Is it just me, or does it seem like more and more people I know PERSONALLY have received this news? No longer is the "C" word a foreign term that does not apply. I am seeing both healing and heartbreak all around me, in my church, in my friends, in my family. It would be so easy to just get disillusioned and say "Screw it. There is so much despair in the world, Lord! Why should I love You if this is how I get repaid?"
Newsflash: Jesus loves me so much that He gave His life in the most horrible way so that I could have life in eternity with Him.
This life is not meant to be easy. It's meant to be lived in community with God, and to share the hope that He gives us with others. I do not believe that God is a smiter, someone who says "Hmmm...Kelley looks like she needs a challenge. Have a tumor." I believe that God loves Kelley so much that He will use this evil in her life to the most good and wonderful purpose possible. I believe that her life has purpose and that God will be glorified through her.
Kelley girl, I am rooting for you. To all my followers, please follow Kelley on this journey and help spread awareness of the preventative measures we can take to fight cancer.

90 Days to a Better Me

If you have either followed my blog or been my friend on Facebook/Twitter for any amount of time, you know that last fall I was in a health craze. Eating right, working out 2 times a day...it just made sense. I dropped about 15 pounds. Smiley face.

Today, as I struggle to squeeze myself into those jeans I bought in October, I think to myself, "Seriously?"

The fact is, all of us struggle with our image in some capacity. If we don't think we are fat, we think we are too skinny. Bad skin. Too pale. Big feet. Whatever. These physical insecurities are often coupled with internal issues as well. We don't deal with conflict well. We can't get over our fear of speaking to others. We are disorganized. Bad at keeping up with friends. (Keep listening as I describe myself more and more to you. lol)

I'm not complaining about my life at all. I am very happy. I'm loving my relationship with God, have a good job, great boyfriend, fabulous friends. However, I can't sit back and allow myself to undo everything I've worked so hard for. Plus, it's important to do things today that will help you become the person you want to be in the future. I want to be able to not worry about clothing sizes. I want to be able to have an organized house someday. I want to be a godly wife and mother. Therefore....

I've decided to do the impossible. Starting May 3, I am going to begin a 90 day personal challenge in which I hope to become a healthier me. I am going to work on three things: my physical health, my organizational skills, and my faith. How? Good question.

This is not a challenge that I am going to be recruiting for, sending out emails and getting measurements for, etc. I honestly can't handle that right now. I am already putting things off until May 3, because that week will be my last week of the spring semester of graduate school, better known as hell on earth. But I encourage you to follow my blog posts, as I will be writing about my results, struggles, victories, etc. I encourage you to pick a program with me to do yourself during this 90 day period, or to start reading a devotional or a passage of Scripture a day. I hope that my sarcastic comments and overanalytical tendencies will amuse and encourage you to succeed!

Physical Health: Right now I am in the process of picking a program. Beachbody offers some amazing workouts, and I will either be doing P90x, Insanity, or Chalean Extreme. If I do Insanity, I'm still doing a 90 day challenge, but will spend my last 30 workout days training for some kind of running event. If you want to look at the programs, click "Shop" at my coaching website. I'll also be revamping how I eat and counting my calories.

Organizational Health: There is a program created by FlyLady that helps people like me get organized. I did it for a while, it was awesome, then I stopped.

Spiritual: I plan on reading my Bible each day as well as trying to do more nice things for others. I'll have more specifics later.

I'll record EVERYTHING on my blog. Anything I purchase, any blips in the program, you name it. So, who's with me? It's going to be tough, but I can't keep seeing myself slip through the cracks, and neither can you! Let's help each other reach our goals...we can do this!