Submission has become a buzz word as of late in the discussion of Christian marriage. With the surge of the feminist movement and the independent woman, the Lucy Ricardos have been slowly replaced by the Mary Tyler Moores, career women who can do it all, including having a family while simultaneously saving the world. The portrayal of men in the nuclear family has become less of a leader and more of the weak comic relief (point to Everybody Loves Raymond). Our current generation is experiencing the undertow of this transition, and we find ourselves asking how the world we live in can mesh with the Biblical concept of submission. Under this patriarchal structure, we women find ourselves feeling suppressed, stifled, and resentful. I know that growing up, my idea of Biblical submission seemed to be that, when push comes to shove, the man makes the decisions, and the woman keeps her mouth shut. I admit that if this is submission, it makes me want to puke.
I am not a career woman, nor am I a man hater or an immasculator. I simply am, as several friends put it, "a lot." I am passionate about my ideas, about God's plan for my life, and my personality exudes this to the point that I have to reign it all in. I know that God has created me this way, so I feel that I need to reexamine my idea of submission to find a different picture than what is presented before me.
In Ephesians 5, the roles of husbands and wives are drawn out fairly clearly. Wives are told to respect their husbands, and husbands to love their wives. At first glance, it appears that the woman is asked to check herself, so to speak. But I believe that we leave out a pivotal part of this passage when close reading, v. 21, which states "Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ" (Amplified Version). Let me break down my logic into bullet points:
1) When we are committing to marry, it is under the assumption that we love that person more than we love ourselves.
2) Therefore, every decision we make within marriage is first weighed against the benefit of our spouse rather than our own selfish gain.
3) If points one and two are actively lived out by both parties, doesn't this present the image of mutual submission?
Of course I want to marry a man that is the "leader" of my family. But in my opinion, a leader is not someone who tells me what to do and how to think. It is a man who knows me better than I know myself, who protects and provides for our family by maintaining integrity and honor, and who respects and loves me for who I am, not what I have to offer him. I think that the image of mutual submission best fits the servanthood of Christ, when He washes the feet of the disciples. By serving one another in marriage, we become more like Christ and live in the freedom of who He has created us to be.
Thoughts?
Monday, December 21, 2009
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Who is he?
I just got home from seeing the new Clooney movie "Up In The Air." Deep but not too deep, funny but not too funny, chick flick and guy movie all in one, this film explores the dynamic of commitment, relationships, and how companionship looks for all sorts of people. One scene in particular involves Clooney, his love interest who is in her mid 30s, and his 23 year old co-worker who was just dumped via text message. She begins to describe the perfect "love of her life," the person she refuses to settle with anyone else for. This man is described to a T, and has very specific appearance, job, etc. The movie portrays this girl's hopes as the norm for a 23 year old, and the other two characters exchange a knowing glance as though "she will learn sooner or later." As a 23 year old woman, I would like to defend myself and say that my desires are not unreasonable, though I find myself in the same boat as this girl often.
My criteria for the lucky gent who will eventually buy me a nice addition to my left hand is pretty simple, though a little specific, I think. Physically, the only thing I care about is that we have some kind of chemistry and that he tries to be healthy, and it might help if he were at least my height. But mainly I care about the heart. Loves Jesus. Loves people. Is outgoing and has a sense of humor. Is a leader but is not threatened by my opinions, and actually enjoys challenging and being challenged. Can be romantic (I almost choked on that one, don't know if I even believe in that, lol). Where are these guys? Why do I get flack for being specific instead of men getting flack for not stepping up?
Just some things I am thinking about.
My criteria for the lucky gent who will eventually buy me a nice addition to my left hand is pretty simple, though a little specific, I think. Physically, the only thing I care about is that we have some kind of chemistry and that he tries to be healthy, and it might help if he were at least my height. But mainly I care about the heart. Loves Jesus. Loves people. Is outgoing and has a sense of humor. Is a leader but is not threatened by my opinions, and actually enjoys challenging and being challenged. Can be romantic (I almost choked on that one, don't know if I even believe in that, lol). Where are these guys? Why do I get flack for being specific instead of men getting flack for not stepping up?
Just some things I am thinking about.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
English Extravaganza
In about 30 minutes, I will be off to my end of the year party with my fellow English graduate students. If you would have asked me a year ago, I never would have guessed that I would be 9 hours into another degree by this time. Being in grad school has stretched me beyond belief...I have met people of all different walks of life, I have learned things that I didn't think I had the capacity to learn, and have become a much more well rounded person in my social life. I love that I am about to sit at a table and have margaritas with people who have completely different lifestyles and ideas than me, and that it is literature and a passion for words that binds us all together. This makes me so utterly happy. :) Just saying.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Hypocrisy or Vulnerability? This is Me: Suck It.
As a Christian, I am constantly under scrutiny. Whether I realize it or not, there are people constantly watching every move I make, listening to how I speak, and evaluating my relationships with people. This used to be a source of pride for me in my legalistic days...I enjoyed it when people called me perfect, and found my worth and satisfaction in the expression "I could never be like that." Well, those days are long since gone, and I am finding myself facing a new challenge: being viewed, and even feeling like, a hypocrite.
By definition, a hypocrite is someone who says one thing yet does another: a person who does not "practice what they preach." This is usually the biggest gripe that society has with Christians. We are all hypocrites...we preach "perfection" yet do not practice it. Of course this is an accurate assessment to some extent; we try to do what is right, and of course, we fail most of the time. I think that the goal of churches such as TCAL, however, is to break through that image and to point out that it is not out of pride that we are hypocrites but simply out of our fallen nature, that we are all on an even playing field.
With this vulnerability of "here I am, here is my crap, this is me," I am finding that the Christian community does not necessarily approve. I feel myself being categorized as a hypocrite when I say I will stop gossiping yet fail miserably, when I say that I try to pray yet have a surge of anger towards God, etc. My vocalizing of these things, though intending to be more authentic, usually gives me more flack. People assume that I am not a "good enough Christian" to be in leadership. She has issues...we can't put her in charge. I say to you who think this, "You are full of crap." Maybe a word stronger than that.
I think that I am finally at that place where I can not care about those opinions. I don't hold bitterness toward the people from high school and college who aren't of the same opinion as me, and I remember when I was like that as well. But I refuse to filter and stifle the authenticity I feel it's my duty to live out just because it makes you uncomfortable. Obviously there is a balance...but if you truly desire community, that involves connecting at both the good level and the bad. Saying "you know, I am really not feeling it today."
Last week our small group coined the phrase "This is me: Suck It." As offensive as that may be, I want to put that on a T-Shirt and dance around a bit. I think I actually might. I care about your opinion if I am becoming a stumbling block to those who do not know Christ, but if you are a Christian and my openness about my life offends you, then by all means say your peace and keep on moving. I am sure that there is a less offensive hypocrite who would love to be your friend.
Harsh? Probably. But, in my opinion, necessary.
By definition, a hypocrite is someone who says one thing yet does another: a person who does not "practice what they preach." This is usually the biggest gripe that society has with Christians. We are all hypocrites...we preach "perfection" yet do not practice it. Of course this is an accurate assessment to some extent; we try to do what is right, and of course, we fail most of the time. I think that the goal of churches such as TCAL, however, is to break through that image and to point out that it is not out of pride that we are hypocrites but simply out of our fallen nature, that we are all on an even playing field.
With this vulnerability of "here I am, here is my crap, this is me," I am finding that the Christian community does not necessarily approve. I feel myself being categorized as a hypocrite when I say I will stop gossiping yet fail miserably, when I say that I try to pray yet have a surge of anger towards God, etc. My vocalizing of these things, though intending to be more authentic, usually gives me more flack. People assume that I am not a "good enough Christian" to be in leadership. She has issues...we can't put her in charge. I say to you who think this, "You are full of crap." Maybe a word stronger than that.
I think that I am finally at that place where I can not care about those opinions. I don't hold bitterness toward the people from high school and college who aren't of the same opinion as me, and I remember when I was like that as well. But I refuse to filter and stifle the authenticity I feel it's my duty to live out just because it makes you uncomfortable. Obviously there is a balance...but if you truly desire community, that involves connecting at both the good level and the bad. Saying "you know, I am really not feeling it today."
Last week our small group coined the phrase "This is me: Suck It." As offensive as that may be, I want to put that on a T-Shirt and dance around a bit. I think I actually might. I care about your opinion if I am becoming a stumbling block to those who do not know Christ, but if you are a Christian and my openness about my life offends you, then by all means say your peace and keep on moving. I am sure that there is a less offensive hypocrite who would love to be your friend.
Harsh? Probably. But, in my opinion, necessary.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Bigger Than Me
I have to confess that, approximately 99.9% of the time, I tend to be extremely nearsighted in my faith. The focus of my thoughts and prayers are what is right in front of me, the small things that just seem like giants, things that I can't seem to move past, to conquer, that consume my life. However, it seems as though in the past week God has revealed several things that have made my focus extend. It seems like members of my family are really battling right now, and I find myself seeing how blessed I am with each passing minute.
Blow #1: I went to the doctor with my mom and little brother on Monday. My brother has always been labeled as delayed, because his biological mother was MR and drank through her pregnancy. However, the doctors told us that he has cerebral palsy and will be so delayed that he will never be able to live independently. As much as it hurts my heart, I also wouldn't change a thing about him...it's just hard to hear those words articulated.
Blow #2: My mom's heart issues from a few years ago are starting back up again. She again did not tell us.
Blow #3: A new addition to my family has had some very scary tests and is praying that the big "C" word isn't present there.
All of this to say, I am in awe of how these individuals have handled themselves in their attitudes towards their situations and towards God. The bigger picture seems predominant; the idea of being used for God's glory seems to be the resounding theme. I find myself envious and convicted, knowing that I have the ability to draw close to God and feel that same sense of purpose in the most minute of my problems. All of the heartaches that seem to consume me are very very small in comparison to these things. I am inspired to surrender my heart fully to God, knowing that He does have purpose in all things, and that I have the privilege of being healthy right now, and can intercede powerfully on their behalf.
Love learning lessons the hard way.
Blow #1: I went to the doctor with my mom and little brother on Monday. My brother has always been labeled as delayed, because his biological mother was MR and drank through her pregnancy. However, the doctors told us that he has cerebral palsy and will be so delayed that he will never be able to live independently. As much as it hurts my heart, I also wouldn't change a thing about him...it's just hard to hear those words articulated.
Blow #2: My mom's heart issues from a few years ago are starting back up again. She again did not tell us.
Blow #3: A new addition to my family has had some very scary tests and is praying that the big "C" word isn't present there.
All of this to say, I am in awe of how these individuals have handled themselves in their attitudes towards their situations and towards God. The bigger picture seems predominant; the idea of being used for God's glory seems to be the resounding theme. I find myself envious and convicted, knowing that I have the ability to draw close to God and feel that same sense of purpose in the most minute of my problems. All of the heartaches that seem to consume me are very very small in comparison to these things. I am inspired to surrender my heart fully to God, knowing that He does have purpose in all things, and that I have the privilege of being healthy right now, and can intercede powerfully on their behalf.
Love learning lessons the hard way.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
When I am weak...
So, for those of you that read my blog and don't see my Facebook/Twitter updates (which I am guessing might be no one) I have been quarantined due to the lovely little H1N1 virus. It's frustrating because it's not that the swine flu is as bad as I imagined...it's just draining. And taking FOREVER to go away. I have felt the exact same since Saturday morning, and it's getting old. I feel tired walking from one room to the next. I am achy. I blow my nose every five seconds. And to top it all off, I can't be around people. It's annoying, and I am just ready to be back on my feet and moving again!
One thing that I am learning though is that even (especially) in my weakest moment, God can really do good things. I feel that being sick has allowed me to take a step back from life and get some perspective on the way I have been going on. I have been acting like such a victim this past month, allowing my circumstances to get in the way of my joy of serving others, feeling so busy that I can't breathe, when in reality the things I have going on are manageable and are way better than what they could be. Reading a lot of Tanna's updates about Brittany really put the things I worry about into proper perspective. I have the full use of my body. I will not have the flu forever, and then I will be back in the gym and actually starting to substitute teach in the next week or so. I have a place to live, I have a bachelor's degree, and have not been kicked out of graduate school so I guess I am doing okay there too. It's time to really focus on God. He is the absolute author and finisher of my life, and He should be the center of my attention, not all of these inconsequential things that get in my way. I am working on making Him a priority like I seem to do with everything else. Sad that it has to be an effort, but we all have to start somewhere, right?
One thing that I am learning though is that even (especially) in my weakest moment, God can really do good things. I feel that being sick has allowed me to take a step back from life and get some perspective on the way I have been going on. I have been acting like such a victim this past month, allowing my circumstances to get in the way of my joy of serving others, feeling so busy that I can't breathe, when in reality the things I have going on are manageable and are way better than what they could be. Reading a lot of Tanna's updates about Brittany really put the things I worry about into proper perspective. I have the full use of my body. I will not have the flu forever, and then I will be back in the gym and actually starting to substitute teach in the next week or so. I have a place to live, I have a bachelor's degree, and have not been kicked out of graduate school so I guess I am doing okay there too. It's time to really focus on God. He is the absolute author and finisher of my life, and He should be the center of my attention, not all of these inconsequential things that get in my way. I am working on making Him a priority like I seem to do with everything else. Sad that it has to be an effort, but we all have to start somewhere, right?
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Spiritual Warfare
Right now, I am supposed to be doing homework, but I feel that this is a more pressing matter. There is some major spiritual warfare going on in my apartment, and both my roommate and I are under attack. I do not want to go into further details on her end, but with me, every minute of every day I feel exhausted even attempting to deal with the situations going on here, and there is some tough stuff at work. Please pray that God will rebuke Satan from messing with our lives in this way, that we will both have the strength to fight, and that somehow God will give me strength for the both of us. Thanks.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
My Heart.
As much as I love that God knows me inside and out, and knows full well the desires of my heart, sometimes I wish that He wasn't the only one. I don't know if anyone can relate to this, but often I feel like people know different sides of me without ever getting the complete picture. It's rare that I come across a person that I can fully expose those hidden desires to, and feel completely unjudged and loved.
As member of the "single ladies," I think it's stating the obvious regarding the desires of my heart. I think the biggest struggle is questioning whether those desires are healthy or not. I have been taught since I was 14 that God is the one who fills me up, He is the only one who can meet those needs for me. I was also challenged this past year at TCAL when Paul preached about two 1/2s not making a whole...that I need to live my life and allow things to happen naturally. But at the same time, there is a void there that aches, especially around Christmas time.
Tonight, I was with a friend and her young daughter, who is about 3. This precious baby just clung to me, played ponies with me, had me read her books, and eskimo kissed me. My heart just melted, and the desire to start my own family just raged within me. It's all I can do to breathe in those moments, let alone objectively think to myself "God will fill this hole." Is it wrong to want this so badly? Every year it gets harder and harder to deal with. Every Christmas that I am the odd man out at the dinner table, every time I have to drive to family get togethers by myself...it just gets old.
It's basically causing me to question all that I have built my "standards" around. Have I made it impossible for guys to live up to the bar I have set? What is it that causes me to want something so badly then reject opportunities? I hate sounding like a broken record, but until I receive answers all I know to do is just to ask God to get me through, and to teach me to love others like I will one day love my husband, and through that grow to love Him even more.
As member of the "single ladies," I think it's stating the obvious regarding the desires of my heart. I think the biggest struggle is questioning whether those desires are healthy or not. I have been taught since I was 14 that God is the one who fills me up, He is the only one who can meet those needs for me. I was also challenged this past year at TCAL when Paul preached about two 1/2s not making a whole...that I need to live my life and allow things to happen naturally. But at the same time, there is a void there that aches, especially around Christmas time.
Tonight, I was with a friend and her young daughter, who is about 3. This precious baby just clung to me, played ponies with me, had me read her books, and eskimo kissed me. My heart just melted, and the desire to start my own family just raged within me. It's all I can do to breathe in those moments, let alone objectively think to myself "God will fill this hole." Is it wrong to want this so badly? Every year it gets harder and harder to deal with. Every Christmas that I am the odd man out at the dinner table, every time I have to drive to family get togethers by myself...it just gets old.
It's basically causing me to question all that I have built my "standards" around. Have I made it impossible for guys to live up to the bar I have set? What is it that causes me to want something so badly then reject opportunities? I hate sounding like a broken record, but until I receive answers all I know to do is just to ask God to get me through, and to teach me to love others like I will one day love my husband, and through that grow to love Him even more.
Friday, October 30, 2009
My Europe.
It's official. I have to go back to Europe and really get to experience the culture. I console the dull ache in my heart constantly, saying that I went to London for 2 weeks, most people don't get to do that. But I can't HANDLE IT ANYMORE!!! I need to roll down the green grasses of Irish hills, I need to see Edinburgh Castle, I need to travel Venice by gondola, to shop the streets of Prague, to get a Hungarian massage (NOT...that was for Kalie and Danielle)....I have to experience this in my life! Now, that whole money thing. I have a couple of options. Either a wealthy blog peruser will discover my blog and buy me a trip, or I will find myself a sugar daddy, or it will be around 2 years before I can make this trip happen. So just know that before I am 26, my European dreams will come true. I expect all of you bloggers to hold me accountable.
Prague Castle
Edinburgh
Tintern Abbey
Ireland.
Sigh.
Prague Castle
Edinburgh
Tintern Abbey
Ireland.
Sigh.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Ah, the Dating Game
Being a single woman in 2009 is a scary thing. The safety of being able to meet someone and trust that their intentions are good, they don't have a shady background, and that they really don't plan on trying to mug you is no longer present, causing us to be tempted to run background checks and finger printing on each man we come in contact with. Now, at Howard Payne, I never felt this come into play. Christian school, I know EVERYONE, therefore if you tell me that you are a nice person I am apt to believe you.
But now, it's different. Where do most singles meet other singles? Answer: the club or bar. Which creates a problem for people like me, who 1) don't really hit that scene up and 2) aren't looking for a random hookup. People like me who just want the companionship and are not wanting to just play around are forced to look at our social circles, and then if that's not happening, online dating or something like it. Within this circle seems to be two kinds of people: the ones who are not interested and the ones that are too interested. They either are single and living it up, or are so desperate that if you say one word to them, they "like" you.
Now I know I have cynical tendencies, but really? What's a girl supposed to do? I seriously laugh at what goes on in my head when I am approached by a man. I have become so jaded to the system that I immediately draw conclusions when someone does or doesn't show an interest. Here's the most recent: there are a couple of guys who I have known for a while that are kind of showing some interest. My problem is that I don't trust them at all. I am convinced that they are in desperation mode and that I happened to be standing there when the pheramones hit. Is that fair of me? Am I being cautious or just ridiculous?
A couple of years ago, I read "He's Just Not That Into You" and it is basically my Bible of dating. Unfortunately, as a result I have not dated a guy in 3 years. That's a LONG time. Sometimes I wonder if I am too picky, or if God is protecting me. There has to be a fine line. But I do feel at times as though I give off the "BACK THE F$%^ OFF" vibe. Unintentional of course.
Honestly, I am debating around in my head whether or not to give one guy in particular a chance. I never in my life would have thought of dating this person, but now I am not so sure. I don't know if it's me inventing things in my head, or if it's getting cold and I am in the snuggly state of mind, but I just don't know. Really wish dating was less complicated.
But now, it's different. Where do most singles meet other singles? Answer: the club or bar. Which creates a problem for people like me, who 1) don't really hit that scene up and 2) aren't looking for a random hookup. People like me who just want the companionship and are not wanting to just play around are forced to look at our social circles, and then if that's not happening, online dating or something like it. Within this circle seems to be two kinds of people: the ones who are not interested and the ones that are too interested. They either are single and living it up, or are so desperate that if you say one word to them, they "like" you.
Now I know I have cynical tendencies, but really? What's a girl supposed to do? I seriously laugh at what goes on in my head when I am approached by a man. I have become so jaded to the system that I immediately draw conclusions when someone does or doesn't show an interest. Here's the most recent: there are a couple of guys who I have known for a while that are kind of showing some interest. My problem is that I don't trust them at all. I am convinced that they are in desperation mode and that I happened to be standing there when the pheramones hit. Is that fair of me? Am I being cautious or just ridiculous?
A couple of years ago, I read "He's Just Not That Into You" and it is basically my Bible of dating. Unfortunately, as a result I have not dated a guy in 3 years. That's a LONG time. Sometimes I wonder if I am too picky, or if God is protecting me. There has to be a fine line. But I do feel at times as though I give off the "BACK THE F$%^ OFF" vibe. Unintentional of course.
Honestly, I am debating around in my head whether or not to give one guy in particular a chance. I never in my life would have thought of dating this person, but now I am not so sure. I don't know if it's me inventing things in my head, or if it's getting cold and I am in the snuggly state of mind, but I just don't know. Really wish dating was less complicated.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Getting Into God's Stride
I am very much a gold star Christian. I want to grow closer to God, so I make a spiritual to-do list of everything I need to do to get things right and get closer. That said, I get very frustrated when something doesn't work like clockwork within that plan.
Last night I went to the movies with my friend Tiffany. We did a double feature: Whip It and Couple's Retreat. Both good movies, though Whip It wins for me. Couple's Retreat was hilarious. It centers around a couple who find that their marriage is falling apart, so they and 3 of their friend couples go to an island of Paradise to endure therapy and attempt to mend their relationship. This couple is type A to the max...every issue they discuss comes with a power point presentation, they follow the schedule to a T..and the husband is the worse. Nothing can deviate from THE PLAN, which eventually becomes his downfall.
Anyway, I was having a date this morning with good buddy Oswald Chambers, and today's topic was "Getting Into God's Stride." Chambers says that "the true test of someone's spiritual life and character is not what he does in the extraordinary moments of life, but what he does during the ordinary times when there is nothing extraordinary or exciting happening." Later, he makes the statement, "spiritual truth is learned in the atmosphere that surrounds us, not through intellectual reasoning." It was in reading this that I realized just how much I am like the husband in Couple's Retreat. I want so much to connect with God, so I "figure out" out to do it. I make a plan and try to adhere to it. I map it out completely in my head. Only as I go about the steps, there really isn't much actual connection going on. As a result, my faith really isn't that strong. I question constantly, and am not one to just rest in God's peace.
How does a person rework their brain to not work for gold stars? I am not sure. But I think the best place to start is to realize that me trying to DO things hasn't worked out so far. Instead, I am just going to pray and ask God to help me put aside the reasoner and just live in faith daily. Relationship over reason...easier said than done, but definitely worth it!
Last night I went to the movies with my friend Tiffany. We did a double feature: Whip It and Couple's Retreat. Both good movies, though Whip It wins for me. Couple's Retreat was hilarious. It centers around a couple who find that their marriage is falling apart, so they and 3 of their friend couples go to an island of Paradise to endure therapy and attempt to mend their relationship. This couple is type A to the max...every issue they discuss comes with a power point presentation, they follow the schedule to a T..and the husband is the worse. Nothing can deviate from THE PLAN, which eventually becomes his downfall.
Anyway, I was having a date this morning with good buddy Oswald Chambers, and today's topic was "Getting Into God's Stride." Chambers says that "the true test of someone's spiritual life and character is not what he does in the extraordinary moments of life, but what he does during the ordinary times when there is nothing extraordinary or exciting happening." Later, he makes the statement, "spiritual truth is learned in the atmosphere that surrounds us, not through intellectual reasoning." It was in reading this that I realized just how much I am like the husband in Couple's Retreat. I want so much to connect with God, so I "figure out" out to do it. I make a plan and try to adhere to it. I map it out completely in my head. Only as I go about the steps, there really isn't much actual connection going on. As a result, my faith really isn't that strong. I question constantly, and am not one to just rest in God's peace.
How does a person rework their brain to not work for gold stars? I am not sure. But I think the best place to start is to realize that me trying to DO things hasn't worked out so far. Instead, I am just going to pray and ask God to help me put aside the reasoner and just live in faith daily. Relationship over reason...easier said than done, but definitely worth it!
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Money, money, money
I should really be reading during my lunch break, but before I start I just need to process. A lot has happened in my brain in the past 48 hours, and I am trying to discern what is my PANIC button and what is God getting my attention. I just started my new job at 24 Fitness about 3 weeks ago. I like a lot of it, but sales requires a ruthlessness that I do not possess...for instance, I got chewed out the other day for not taking advantage of an old lady who can barely do the treadmill and sell her training sessions. I can't do that...also, as a sales person I am not allowed to be an instructor (company policy). Finally, I found out yesterday that I will be making around....$800 a month. Period.
So, I can't survive on that amount. I was a teacher last year, which means that I have big girl bills, none of which I can just cut bc I have a roommate. Rent, gas, groceries, electric, phone, internet...adds up to way more than that. Not to mention my lack of insurance. I am now back at the same place, wondering what the heck I need to be doing with my life.
I do miss parts of teaching. I miss a lot of my kids. It was suggested to me that I go back to teaching, and try a different age group. Just as a sub, I will make way more money. But, I am scared! What if I do it and it's the same? I am tired of feeling like a flaky quitter. I want to do something I am good at and am passionate about. I am trying not to overanalyze but it's just freaking me out. I just want to honor God with my decision and refute the worry that is quickly infiltrating my heart. I would really appreciate any feedback or opinions.
So, I can't survive on that amount. I was a teacher last year, which means that I have big girl bills, none of which I can just cut bc I have a roommate. Rent, gas, groceries, electric, phone, internet...adds up to way more than that. Not to mention my lack of insurance. I am now back at the same place, wondering what the heck I need to be doing with my life.
I do miss parts of teaching. I miss a lot of my kids. It was suggested to me that I go back to teaching, and try a different age group. Just as a sub, I will make way more money. But, I am scared! What if I do it and it's the same? I am tired of feeling like a flaky quitter. I want to do something I am good at and am passionate about. I am trying not to overanalyze but it's just freaking me out. I just want to honor God with my decision and refute the worry that is quickly infiltrating my heart. I would really appreciate any feedback or opinions.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Choosing our own martyrdom
We started small group back up a couple of weeks ago, and it's absolutely one of my favorite parts of the week. I love the people, both the ones I know and the new people coming, and it's such a sweet time of encouragement to see what God is doing in everyone's lives. As a group, we are going through "Our Utmost For His Highest," a book that I have always thought about doing but never have. And let me tell you...as far as devotionals go, it seems like this one is consistently slapping me in the face with things that I need to hear but might not want to.
Yesterday focused on the "assigning of the call." Chambers talks about how we take what we are good at and what makes us happy, assuming that that is God's call for our lives. If it's uncomfortable, that must not be it. He makes this profound statement: "We cannot choose our own martyrdom...." DANG. How often do we try to do that? We place ourselves in situations where we expect to receive a certain level of flack, but it's what we can handle. I know I do this on mission trips. My mind is ready, so when people reject me, it hurts but I still feel in control.
This really convicted me about my job. I love working at the gym, and I prayed so hard for that job opportunity to open up. Now that I have it, I have realized that I am not a good sales person AT ALL and I think other people are starting to notice it as well. So I immediately start to question whether or not it's where I need to be. Now I am thinking, maybe just maybe God is doing something here, and I need to take advantage of it. The worst thing that can happen is that I will get fired. So I just need to work hard and try to be a light in a dark place.
Today's message goes along with this as well. In talking about spiritual highs, a lot of times we think that a good Christian life means constantly staying on the mountain...always feeling God's presence about you, always feeling that intimacy. But Chambers says that "the true test of our spiritual life is exhibiting the power to descend from the mountain." Those moments of elation are meant to encourage, not to be our normal life. Most of it will be spent in the ordinary, in the valley. The mountain gives us the hope and the strength to draw from in the valley.
I think that I question far too often..any time there is a glitch in THE PLAN. I was made not to sit and bask all the time in how perfect my life is, but to tackle the world's mess every day with the knowledge that God HAS me. That phrase from Sunday has really hit home with me over and over again...He HAS me. He knows about my money. He knows about my family. He knows about my inner struggles. But He's got it taken care of. I can't choose my trials, but I can choose to shine His light through them and allow them to mold and change me.
Yesterday focused on the "assigning of the call." Chambers talks about how we take what we are good at and what makes us happy, assuming that that is God's call for our lives. If it's uncomfortable, that must not be it. He makes this profound statement: "We cannot choose our own martyrdom...." DANG. How often do we try to do that? We place ourselves in situations where we expect to receive a certain level of flack, but it's what we can handle. I know I do this on mission trips. My mind is ready, so when people reject me, it hurts but I still feel in control.
This really convicted me about my job. I love working at the gym, and I prayed so hard for that job opportunity to open up. Now that I have it, I have realized that I am not a good sales person AT ALL and I think other people are starting to notice it as well. So I immediately start to question whether or not it's where I need to be. Now I am thinking, maybe just maybe God is doing something here, and I need to take advantage of it. The worst thing that can happen is that I will get fired. So I just need to work hard and try to be a light in a dark place.
Today's message goes along with this as well. In talking about spiritual highs, a lot of times we think that a good Christian life means constantly staying on the mountain...always feeling God's presence about you, always feeling that intimacy. But Chambers says that "the true test of our spiritual life is exhibiting the power to descend from the mountain." Those moments of elation are meant to encourage, not to be our normal life. Most of it will be spent in the ordinary, in the valley. The mountain gives us the hope and the strength to draw from in the valley.
I think that I question far too often..any time there is a glitch in THE PLAN. I was made not to sit and bask all the time in how perfect my life is, but to tackle the world's mess every day with the knowledge that God HAS me. That phrase from Sunday has really hit home with me over and over again...He HAS me. He knows about my money. He knows about my family. He knows about my inner struggles. But He's got it taken care of. I can't choose my trials, but I can choose to shine His light through them and allow them to mold and change me.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Story part 6
Just an announcement to the world...I fit into my college jeans this week. Boo yah.
I can be a complainer at times, especially when it comes to plans falling through. I have made countless bucket lists throughout my life, and never tend to follow through with the wishes on them, and I tend to think I am so uncultured. Looking at it retrospectively, I think that I have actually had a lot of life experiences that most people don't get to have.
The summer before my senior year, I applied to go overseas through Go Now Missions. I was thinking I would wind up in Africa teaching children English. However, at the training, that was the one trip that was cancelled. I ended up getting placed in New Albany, Indiana. The US. I was like, "God, really?" Yet another plan falling through. However, I didn't know what God was about to do in my life.
I worked in a crisis pregnancy center in Indiana for two months. Those two months did so many things: provided an opportunity for me to heal from the past while physically separated from it, gave me a heart for people of my own race, introduced me to people who are some of my closest friends today, and the biggest thing, showed me that God really does work all things together for my good.
Let me explain...if I had never gone through all of the crap I did, I would not have been able to understand the feeling the women coming into the center had of absolute hopelessness. Though I have never been pregnant, I do know how that feels. To feel rejected by everyone, that you have no future and no one to care about you. God allowed me to share His love every day to these ladies, and I felt whole, complete, and truly healed.
It was actually during those 2 months that I started blogging. You can look back in the archives if you want. It is so freeing to see that it wasn't a fad..that God truly did change me so much, and He did use me! And no one can take that away.
Sidenote: the one thing about working in a pregnancy center is that you get baby crazy...which unfortunately is not possible for me to do...kind of like locking a diabetic in the bakery closet. lol
I can be a complainer at times, especially when it comes to plans falling through. I have made countless bucket lists throughout my life, and never tend to follow through with the wishes on them, and I tend to think I am so uncultured. Looking at it retrospectively, I think that I have actually had a lot of life experiences that most people don't get to have.
The summer before my senior year, I applied to go overseas through Go Now Missions. I was thinking I would wind up in Africa teaching children English. However, at the training, that was the one trip that was cancelled. I ended up getting placed in New Albany, Indiana. The US. I was like, "God, really?" Yet another plan falling through. However, I didn't know what God was about to do in my life.
I worked in a crisis pregnancy center in Indiana for two months. Those two months did so many things: provided an opportunity for me to heal from the past while physically separated from it, gave me a heart for people of my own race, introduced me to people who are some of my closest friends today, and the biggest thing, showed me that God really does work all things together for my good.
Let me explain...if I had never gone through all of the crap I did, I would not have been able to understand the feeling the women coming into the center had of absolute hopelessness. Though I have never been pregnant, I do know how that feels. To feel rejected by everyone, that you have no future and no one to care about you. God allowed me to share His love every day to these ladies, and I felt whole, complete, and truly healed.
It was actually during those 2 months that I started blogging. You can look back in the archives if you want. It is so freeing to see that it wasn't a fad..that God truly did change me so much, and He did use me! And no one can take that away.
Sidenote: the one thing about working in a pregnancy center is that you get baby crazy...which unfortunately is not possible for me to do...kind of like locking a diabetic in the bakery closet. lol
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Finding Your Soulmate Workout
I think that anyone who is my Facebook friend knows that I have a friend crush on Chalene Johnson, the creator of Turbo Kick. I follow her tweets, her blog, and her facebook updates and am inspired by her life and her accomplishments every single day. About a week ago, she mentioned the concept of a "soulmate workout" in one of her blog posts. It's a term that I have really latched onto and I want to add some commentary to it for a minute.
According to Chalene, a soulmate workout is a workout that you not only do often, but truly enjoy doing. It doesn't have to be what you do every day, but your soulmate workout is the workout that is not a hassle, but is a pleasure to do. It's fun. It brings you joy. You work very hard to excel at it. Chalene says that EVERYONE has a soulmate workout, but not everyone knows what it is because many people associate working out with a treadmill or an elliptical, or think that working out means lifting weights. Not discounting that by any means...obviously those things are not mine. :)
My soulmate workout is, winning by a landslide, Turbo Kick. A mixture of kickboxing, dance moves, and awesome music, I blast away calories and have a great time doing so! This workout is something I base my schedule around. It is quickly becoming a part of my social life as well...since I am doing homework 24/7, I don't hang out with people unless I see them at the gym. I absolutely love it.
Exhibit A: My Turbo Glow Party outfit:
Contrary to popular belief, Turbo isn't the only thing that I do. I lift weights, I go running, I do sculpting videos, I cycle, I have pretty much done everything except Aqua, and that is next on the list. I enjoy several of these, but none like Turbo. And the KEY to being consistent is to find something that you love!
My friend Tanna said that she loves running and is able to really engage in prayer time with God during a run. My roomie, though she loves Turbo like me, absolutely loves lifting weights and would go to a lift class every day if she could. My cousin is a P90x junkie. So don't be afraid to try new things! Working out is anything that raises your heart rate, makes you sweat, and burns calories. Maybe you just LOVE running up stairs. Maybe you are a salsa dancing diva. It doesn't matter! Find your soulmate workout and just throw yourself into it! The person who comes out will not only be a hotter outside, but will express a more joyful and confident inside as well.
According to Chalene, a soulmate workout is a workout that you not only do often, but truly enjoy doing. It doesn't have to be what you do every day, but your soulmate workout is the workout that is not a hassle, but is a pleasure to do. It's fun. It brings you joy. You work very hard to excel at it. Chalene says that EVERYONE has a soulmate workout, but not everyone knows what it is because many people associate working out with a treadmill or an elliptical, or think that working out means lifting weights. Not discounting that by any means...obviously those things are not mine. :)
My soulmate workout is, winning by a landslide, Turbo Kick. A mixture of kickboxing, dance moves, and awesome music, I blast away calories and have a great time doing so! This workout is something I base my schedule around. It is quickly becoming a part of my social life as well...since I am doing homework 24/7, I don't hang out with people unless I see them at the gym. I absolutely love it.
Exhibit A: My Turbo Glow Party outfit:
Contrary to popular belief, Turbo isn't the only thing that I do. I lift weights, I go running, I do sculpting videos, I cycle, I have pretty much done everything except Aqua, and that is next on the list. I enjoy several of these, but none like Turbo. And the KEY to being consistent is to find something that you love!
My friend Tanna said that she loves running and is able to really engage in prayer time with God during a run. My roomie, though she loves Turbo like me, absolutely loves lifting weights and would go to a lift class every day if she could. My cousin is a P90x junkie. So don't be afraid to try new things! Working out is anything that raises your heart rate, makes you sweat, and burns calories. Maybe you just LOVE running up stairs. Maybe you are a salsa dancing diva. It doesn't matter! Find your soulmate workout and just throw yourself into it! The person who comes out will not only be a hotter outside, but will express a more joyful and confident inside as well.
Story of a Girl, Part 5
Picking up where I left off last week...
This is my favorite part of the story to tell. Why? Because this is when I begin to see God really cracking the surface of my protective wall I had build around me for 20 years. It's both great and frustrating to reflect upon, because I wish I could have just known all of this then! What a waste of 20 years living under the pretense that I had to earn God's love! Sigh. All things have a purpose, and now I know, and I can live in the freedom of it all, but still. Grr. Anyways...
Entering my junior year at HPU, I was confused about a lot of things. 1) I went from practically engaged to single and emotionally torn up, 2) I had moved off campus and was living with people I wasn't sure I would click with, and 3) I had started to gain weight again. I think I was fairly optimistic about the whole thing, but I still failed to see the big picture. Now my image was shattered. Not only did all of the student body know about my imperfections, but God did too..and He wasn't going anywhere. I didn't really know what to do with that. Around the first month of school, I remember a situation in which I was furious at a certain individual. I tested this newfound freedom and screamed "_______ is such an asshole!" to my poor housemates. First time I had said a curseword in my life. I waited for the lightning to strike...waited...and waited...and waited. Never happened. I couldn't figure it out. Why isn't God punishing me? I will tell you that God's grace is never something I fully grasped. I mean, I always knew it was there, but I think that subliminally I thought that I was so good that I didn't need it. I began to see a tiny glimpse of God's love for me.
After about a month and a half, I realized that I couldn't fully figure it all out on my own. The effects of the previous year were still bearing down on me, and I was taking 20 hours and couldn't fully process. So, I emailed a friend of mine and asked for a reference to a Christian counselor (for a friend of course) and decided to give it a shot.
Yep, I said counselor. Gasp. After all of the childhood drama and me swearing I would never do it again, I was going to pay someone to help me sort through my crap. So I drove to Ft. Worth once a week from Brownwood to talk to this woman. I saw her for about 5 months. In our first few meetings, I tried to be as honest as possible and tell her everything. One thing that I realized during those first few sessions is that I started defending myself even in my most brutally honest moments. I could never just admit that I was angry. Or that I was hurt. Or that I just was downright needy. I kept trying to keep the perfect picture intact...well God quickly just shattered it.
That was the most powerful, freeing thing in the entire world. To realize that I was the epitome of the Christian kid yet I truly was a sinner, and that God still loved me. I really couldn't wrap my brain around it. He wasn't asking me to portray what Christianity should look like...I wasn't a billboard for a religion, which is what I had felt like my whole life. I was His bride, His love! This turning point set me on a path of growth like never before.
I think that for a while I tested it out. Had a margarita with the folks, slipped a curse word here or there, didn't read my Bible for a while, etc. I just wanted to see if the whole unconditional thing was for real. Eventually I think I found the happy medium, though it took me quite a while. Sometimes I still think I am looking for it. Anyways, I started feeling loved for me, which was never something I had experienced in a relationship.
Tying this in with today...it has been three years since I have had a boyfriend. I have not dated anyone since God revealed all of this to me. Not that I don't want to, but I can see that it has taken a while for God to slowly peel off the layers of my false identity, of the lies that Satan told me, to bring me to a place that I am not only comfortable in my own skin, but excited about the woman that God has designed me to be, and fully basking in His love.
This is not to say that I haven't had some pitfalls since this moment. My family has had some definite financial issues. I had an extremely traumatic situation my senior year in which a close friend tried to take advantage of me. Friendships have changed, location has changed, career has changed. But through it all, God has not stopped showing me how much He loves me.
Next time I want to talk about the summer in Indiana in which God really shifted my worldview. Those two months are definitely on the timeline of importance.
Sidenote: tomorrow I am going blonde again. I am nervous about it but kind of excited. :)
This is my favorite part of the story to tell. Why? Because this is when I begin to see God really cracking the surface of my protective wall I had build around me for 20 years. It's both great and frustrating to reflect upon, because I wish I could have just known all of this then! What a waste of 20 years living under the pretense that I had to earn God's love! Sigh. All things have a purpose, and now I know, and I can live in the freedom of it all, but still. Grr. Anyways...
Entering my junior year at HPU, I was confused about a lot of things. 1) I went from practically engaged to single and emotionally torn up, 2) I had moved off campus and was living with people I wasn't sure I would click with, and 3) I had started to gain weight again. I think I was fairly optimistic about the whole thing, but I still failed to see the big picture. Now my image was shattered. Not only did all of the student body know about my imperfections, but God did too..and He wasn't going anywhere. I didn't really know what to do with that. Around the first month of school, I remember a situation in which I was furious at a certain individual. I tested this newfound freedom and screamed "_______ is such an asshole!" to my poor housemates. First time I had said a curseword in my life. I waited for the lightning to strike...waited...and waited...and waited. Never happened. I couldn't figure it out. Why isn't God punishing me? I will tell you that God's grace is never something I fully grasped. I mean, I always knew it was there, but I think that subliminally I thought that I was so good that I didn't need it. I began to see a tiny glimpse of God's love for me.
After about a month and a half, I realized that I couldn't fully figure it all out on my own. The effects of the previous year were still bearing down on me, and I was taking 20 hours and couldn't fully process. So, I emailed a friend of mine and asked for a reference to a Christian counselor (for a friend of course) and decided to give it a shot.
Yep, I said counselor. Gasp. After all of the childhood drama and me swearing I would never do it again, I was going to pay someone to help me sort through my crap. So I drove to Ft. Worth once a week from Brownwood to talk to this woman. I saw her for about 5 months. In our first few meetings, I tried to be as honest as possible and tell her everything. One thing that I realized during those first few sessions is that I started defending myself even in my most brutally honest moments. I could never just admit that I was angry. Or that I was hurt. Or that I just was downright needy. I kept trying to keep the perfect picture intact...well God quickly just shattered it.
That was the most powerful, freeing thing in the entire world. To realize that I was the epitome of the Christian kid yet I truly was a sinner, and that God still loved me. I really couldn't wrap my brain around it. He wasn't asking me to portray what Christianity should look like...I wasn't a billboard for a religion, which is what I had felt like my whole life. I was His bride, His love! This turning point set me on a path of growth like never before.
I think that for a while I tested it out. Had a margarita with the folks, slipped a curse word here or there, didn't read my Bible for a while, etc. I just wanted to see if the whole unconditional thing was for real. Eventually I think I found the happy medium, though it took me quite a while. Sometimes I still think I am looking for it. Anyways, I started feeling loved for me, which was never something I had experienced in a relationship.
Tying this in with today...it has been three years since I have had a boyfriend. I have not dated anyone since God revealed all of this to me. Not that I don't want to, but I can see that it has taken a while for God to slowly peel off the layers of my false identity, of the lies that Satan told me, to bring me to a place that I am not only comfortable in my own skin, but excited about the woman that God has designed me to be, and fully basking in His love.
This is not to say that I haven't had some pitfalls since this moment. My family has had some definite financial issues. I had an extremely traumatic situation my senior year in which a close friend tried to take advantage of me. Friendships have changed, location has changed, career has changed. But through it all, God has not stopped showing me how much He loves me.
Next time I want to talk about the summer in Indiana in which God really shifted my worldview. Those two months are definitely on the timeline of importance.
Sidenote: tomorrow I am going blonde again. I am nervous about it but kind of excited. :)
Monday, September 14, 2009
A Cluttered House Equals a Cluttered Mind
Taking a break from the bio for a moment. I have so much school to do that digging into my life isn't something I can do off the cuff. So, yeah. lol.
Anyone who has been inside of any home I have dwelled in knows that I am NOT a neat freak. I go through stages, the best being mild clutter to the worse, meaning "Does a human live in here???" My mess is NEVER unsanitary, mind you...it's just clutter explosion!
A few weeks ago, I stumbled upon a website of a woman called the Fly Lady. She gives you simple steps to declutter your life, starting with your kitchen sink and spreading throughout your house. This works for me, because I can't do marathon cleaning sessions. I do 15 minutes at a time before my attention is taken by something/someone else. But I cleaned my apartment, and felt really good about life.
Then.....
1) Couldn't find a job. 2) School was requiring more books, more time, more brain than I possess. 3) Early morning workouts involved early bedtimes plus naps. 4) This weekend got a throat infection.
This morning, I took a good look around...and felt like I couldn't breathe! There is junk EVERYWHERE!!! And when it gets like that, it takes everything for me not to just walk away from it. Ask the roommate...one of our many differences. What I have come to realize is that, just as my outward appearance reflects my state of mind, so does my mess! The two are most definitely intertwined. When I am trusting in God to take care of me, when I am optimistic and feeling good about life, things stay clean. When I am freaking out and stressed beyond all comprehension, my desk and laundry basket explode and bury me under them. I am tired of it! :)
The point of all of this, is that there are two possibilities here: I control the mess, or it controls me. If I want to help give my attitude a push in the right direction, then it's time to clean up the crap. Bottom line. No matter how much it is stressing me out. So, that is what I am going to do when I push "Publish": Set the timer for 15 minutes and clean like crazy!!!
Ready....Go!
Anyone who has been inside of any home I have dwelled in knows that I am NOT a neat freak. I go through stages, the best being mild clutter to the worse, meaning "Does a human live in here???" My mess is NEVER unsanitary, mind you...it's just clutter explosion!
A few weeks ago, I stumbled upon a website of a woman called the Fly Lady. She gives you simple steps to declutter your life, starting with your kitchen sink and spreading throughout your house. This works for me, because I can't do marathon cleaning sessions. I do 15 minutes at a time before my attention is taken by something/someone else. But I cleaned my apartment, and felt really good about life.
Then.....
1) Couldn't find a job. 2) School was requiring more books, more time, more brain than I possess. 3) Early morning workouts involved early bedtimes plus naps. 4) This weekend got a throat infection.
This morning, I took a good look around...and felt like I couldn't breathe! There is junk EVERYWHERE!!! And when it gets like that, it takes everything for me not to just walk away from it. Ask the roommate...one of our many differences. What I have come to realize is that, just as my outward appearance reflects my state of mind, so does my mess! The two are most definitely intertwined. When I am trusting in God to take care of me, when I am optimistic and feeling good about life, things stay clean. When I am freaking out and stressed beyond all comprehension, my desk and laundry basket explode and bury me under them. I am tired of it! :)
The point of all of this, is that there are two possibilities here: I control the mess, or it controls me. If I want to help give my attitude a push in the right direction, then it's time to clean up the crap. Bottom line. No matter how much it is stressing me out. So, that is what I am going to do when I push "Publish": Set the timer for 15 minutes and clean like crazy!!!
Ready....Go!
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Retracting the Tantrum, plus Story part 4
So this morning I woke up with a voicemail from 24 Fitness, saying that I did indeed get the job. I take back everything I said yesterday, except for the fact that I still hate the economy. lol. So, as of now, I am a membership counselor at the Mansfield 24 Fitness! Come and see me, I will HOOK YOU UP. :)
Do you ever look back on portions of your life that were only a short time, but seemed decades long? That is what Howard Payne feels to me now. I have been out for a year, and reflecting on college feels like I am reflecting on my life, period. I think that we go through so many transformations during those 4 years (or 5, or 6, depending) that we remember a completely different person than who we were when we were through. At least, that is how it was for me.
The summer before I started school, I decided that I would not be fat. I wanted to have friends, go on dates, and be popular. I would not let the nicknames such as "Caty-cow" follow me to this place of refuge I was headed. So, I decided to walk 5 miles a day and rarely eat. I would cry if I let myself have a chicken tender, then immediately go work out. I won't say that I had an eating disorder, but I was on that path. I only include this to let people know what was going on under the exterior. I lost 15 pounds that summer, got some new clothes and a great haircut, and got ready to show everyone what a great Christian I was.
First day of school, I meet a blonde girl who was THE most outgoing person I ever met. We immediately became friends, and made it our mission to meet everyone in the freshman class. "Yes!" I thought. Everything is going on according to plan. I was in the right circles, found an absolutely AWESOME church where I plugged in quickly, got involved in student government, and had a boy interested in me.
Before you have a heart attack thinking that I am about to unfold secrets that are not okay with him, let me just tell you. Years after this portion of our lives, we are friends. We have talked several times about how God has used our relationship, so it's fine. If you need to, ask him. But this is a pivotal part of who I am, and I can't leave it out. This whole vulnerability, you know.
The boy. Tall, handsome, thought I was funny, worked in ministry, paid me lots of attention...what more could a girl want? I decided right then that I would not screw this up. Can you tell that perfectionisim is an issue with me? I would always say the right thing, wear the right clothes, do the right things, if it meant I could actually date a good guy. After the awful high school situation, I told myself that I would never have my heart broken again, and would protect it at all costs. So this guy and I dated for a while, kept it on the DL from most people (which should have been a clue to both of us), dated again...it just was a vicious cycle. Finally, when I pledged Rho, we made it official to the public. It would be too hard for me to fulfill pledging responsibilities as well as have a healthy relationship if things weren't out in the open. Pledging, though wonderful, made me so tired. I wouldn't be able to go see the Boy till 11 or 12 at night...so what do you think happened? We ended up really struggling physically, again getting way too close to the bar. But this time, I didn't cry and break it off. I just kept coming back for more. We would mess up, we would feel bad, we would say it was the last time. Every time we hung out. It's a miracle that we never "did it." Serious miracle. After working together for a summer, we broke it off, only to get back together 3 months later. The second go round was MUCH more intense. He approached me with a full apology, telling me he loved me, which at that point he had never said. He apologized to my mom for hurting me in the past, promising to be there for me from now on. I fought it at first, but eventually said ok. We entered into this head over heels section of a relationship, and started making plans for the future. I knew in my heart that he was it. I met his family, loved them to pieces, made plans to transfer to another school after he graduated so we could get married. Life was so great.
Then, the flip of the switch.
It's fuzzy to me how everything happened...one minute we were great in my Barbie doll fantasy relationship bubble, then we weren't. I said something that was taken out of context, and suddenly I was shut out. The man I was going to marry just stopped talking to me. Stopped calling, wouldn't make eye contact with me, said he couldn't trust me or forgive me. I was dumbfounded...what could I do? But I loved him so much that I wasn't going to let him go. His parents saw what was happening, and begged me to wait it out. No one really knew what to do. I fell into this deep hole of depression. I would eat maybe three yogurts a day, sleep a lot, turn out all the lights, cry. Make that weep. I am surprised people on my hall never said anything to the RD. I cried more than I can imagine anyone crying. I would throw my Bible after begging God to comfort me, to give me an answer, and decided that maybe He didn't love me either. I knew it was something that I did...where did I mess up? How could I fix it? I had so carefully structured this life for myself, and it was all crashing down. A relationship that I invested 2 years of my life into was crumbling and out of my control. I ended up going to the doctor because I had cried so much that my ribcage around my lungs became inflamed, making it hard for me to breathe.
One day, he started talking to me again. Never apologizing, but wanting to just forget the whole thing. I was eager to do the same, but couldn't seem to let it go. I had lost many friends over the whole ordeal. In fact, my bubbly freshman friend told me point blank, "I can't really handle you like this." I had one friend who really, truly stuck by me. She is still my best friend today. I know that God put her in my life to keep me from doing something stupid. On nights that I retreated into that dark place, she would show up with Ben and Jerrys and an movie. Anything to keep me occupied. I thank God for her so much.
The boy graduated, and we tried to tackle our issues over the phone. Most of our conversations ended in hateful words. Two of my guy friends sat me down, and told me a truth that no one up until this point had ever dared tell me: "He isn't right for you. He has never been right for you, and this relationship is destroying you. We don't even recognize you anymore." Suddenly, it clicked. This had to end. I deserved something good, because God loves me. I realized that the silence I had been so angry with God over was actually a booming, resounding, "He's treating you like crap, so let it go!" I broke off the relationship and began trying to get healthy.
Sidenote: it took a long time for us to be friends again. I prayed for over a year to be able to forgive him, and had to tell him verbally about 4 times. We didn't talk for a long time, and I stayed angry for a long time. But I can say that we are cool now, and that as painful as it was, I consider our relationship one of the major flames that has molded me and shaped me into the person I am today.
Road to recovery...next time.
Do you ever look back on portions of your life that were only a short time, but seemed decades long? That is what Howard Payne feels to me now. I have been out for a year, and reflecting on college feels like I am reflecting on my life, period. I think that we go through so many transformations during those 4 years (or 5, or 6, depending) that we remember a completely different person than who we were when we were through. At least, that is how it was for me.
The summer before I started school, I decided that I would not be fat. I wanted to have friends, go on dates, and be popular. I would not let the nicknames such as "Caty-cow" follow me to this place of refuge I was headed. So, I decided to walk 5 miles a day and rarely eat. I would cry if I let myself have a chicken tender, then immediately go work out. I won't say that I had an eating disorder, but I was on that path. I only include this to let people know what was going on under the exterior. I lost 15 pounds that summer, got some new clothes and a great haircut, and got ready to show everyone what a great Christian I was.
First day of school, I meet a blonde girl who was THE most outgoing person I ever met. We immediately became friends, and made it our mission to meet everyone in the freshman class. "Yes!" I thought. Everything is going on according to plan. I was in the right circles, found an absolutely AWESOME church where I plugged in quickly, got involved in student government, and had a boy interested in me.
Before you have a heart attack thinking that I am about to unfold secrets that are not okay with him, let me just tell you. Years after this portion of our lives, we are friends. We have talked several times about how God has used our relationship, so it's fine. If you need to, ask him. But this is a pivotal part of who I am, and I can't leave it out. This whole vulnerability, you know.
The boy. Tall, handsome, thought I was funny, worked in ministry, paid me lots of attention...what more could a girl want? I decided right then that I would not screw this up. Can you tell that perfectionisim is an issue with me? I would always say the right thing, wear the right clothes, do the right things, if it meant I could actually date a good guy. After the awful high school situation, I told myself that I would never have my heart broken again, and would protect it at all costs. So this guy and I dated for a while, kept it on the DL from most people (which should have been a clue to both of us), dated again...it just was a vicious cycle. Finally, when I pledged Rho, we made it official to the public. It would be too hard for me to fulfill pledging responsibilities as well as have a healthy relationship if things weren't out in the open. Pledging, though wonderful, made me so tired. I wouldn't be able to go see the Boy till 11 or 12 at night...so what do you think happened? We ended up really struggling physically, again getting way too close to the bar. But this time, I didn't cry and break it off. I just kept coming back for more. We would mess up, we would feel bad, we would say it was the last time. Every time we hung out. It's a miracle that we never "did it." Serious miracle. After working together for a summer, we broke it off, only to get back together 3 months later. The second go round was MUCH more intense. He approached me with a full apology, telling me he loved me, which at that point he had never said. He apologized to my mom for hurting me in the past, promising to be there for me from now on. I fought it at first, but eventually said ok. We entered into this head over heels section of a relationship, and started making plans for the future. I knew in my heart that he was it. I met his family, loved them to pieces, made plans to transfer to another school after he graduated so we could get married. Life was so great.
Then, the flip of the switch.
It's fuzzy to me how everything happened...one minute we were great in my Barbie doll fantasy relationship bubble, then we weren't. I said something that was taken out of context, and suddenly I was shut out. The man I was going to marry just stopped talking to me. Stopped calling, wouldn't make eye contact with me, said he couldn't trust me or forgive me. I was dumbfounded...what could I do? But I loved him so much that I wasn't going to let him go. His parents saw what was happening, and begged me to wait it out. No one really knew what to do. I fell into this deep hole of depression. I would eat maybe three yogurts a day, sleep a lot, turn out all the lights, cry. Make that weep. I am surprised people on my hall never said anything to the RD. I cried more than I can imagine anyone crying. I would throw my Bible after begging God to comfort me, to give me an answer, and decided that maybe He didn't love me either. I knew it was something that I did...where did I mess up? How could I fix it? I had so carefully structured this life for myself, and it was all crashing down. A relationship that I invested 2 years of my life into was crumbling and out of my control. I ended up going to the doctor because I had cried so much that my ribcage around my lungs became inflamed, making it hard for me to breathe.
One day, he started talking to me again. Never apologizing, but wanting to just forget the whole thing. I was eager to do the same, but couldn't seem to let it go. I had lost many friends over the whole ordeal. In fact, my bubbly freshman friend told me point blank, "I can't really handle you like this." I had one friend who really, truly stuck by me. She is still my best friend today. I know that God put her in my life to keep me from doing something stupid. On nights that I retreated into that dark place, she would show up with Ben and Jerrys and an movie. Anything to keep me occupied. I thank God for her so much.
The boy graduated, and we tried to tackle our issues over the phone. Most of our conversations ended in hateful words. Two of my guy friends sat me down, and told me a truth that no one up until this point had ever dared tell me: "He isn't right for you. He has never been right for you, and this relationship is destroying you. We don't even recognize you anymore." Suddenly, it clicked. This had to end. I deserved something good, because God loves me. I realized that the silence I had been so angry with God over was actually a booming, resounding, "He's treating you like crap, so let it go!" I broke off the relationship and began trying to get healthy.
Sidenote: it took a long time for us to be friends again. I prayed for over a year to be able to forgive him, and had to tell him verbally about 4 times. We didn't talk for a long time, and I stayed angry for a long time. But I can say that we are cool now, and that as painful as it was, I consider our relationship one of the major flames that has molded me and shaped me into the person I am today.
Road to recovery...next time.
Friday, September 4, 2009
The Recession, plus Story Part 3
So, I really hate the economy right now. Can I say that? It's so dadgum hard to get a job! I had a really great interview today, but I am pretty sure I didn't get the job, because the manager of 24 Fitness said he would call me today if I was hired..and no call. But maybe he just got busy. I don't know. So I am trying to really trust that God is not going to leave me hanging. I know He isn't, but I really haven't been in this situation financially EVER, you know? I am just praying that my independent business will take off soon, because I know that is something I am meant to do!
So, back to the story. This really isn't a fun part to tell. I have been putting it off and dreading it, mostly because it's not familiar to a lot of people, even those close to me. But it needs to be said. The physical transformation I went through from my freshman to sophomore year of high school completely changed the way people saw me. Now, not only do I have the joy of the Lord making me outgoing, but I have highlights, no more braces, a tan, and a curvy figure. All of a sudden, everyone who had given me crap for so long were confused. Their thoughts were something to the effect of: "what do we do with her? She's much better looking, but still a prude." So I became Object: bring Caty down to our level. Luckily I stayed out of trouble with guys that year, but it never occured to me to hold off on dating or to look for a growing Christian. According to my family, if he went to church and wasn't trying to get me under the covers, it was all good.
My trouble began at the end of my sophomore year. A guy 5 years older than me, who I had been friends with for a while, started showing interest in me. This caused a rift between my parents: mom thought it was fine, dad said no. Guess what I went with? I lied to my dad for a while, but finally told him, deliberately disobeying him. I started dating this guy, who began to really push me physically past what I was comfortable with. At 16, I got very close to having sex, and being terrified, broke the relationship off. I found out later that it was a big joke to him also, which crushed me. This guy was my first love, and I felt so insecure after that. Would the next guy use me too?
Even more scary was the door that was opened. Before this relationship, physicality was never a temptation with me. I had kissed before, but it wasn't a big deal. Now, all of a sudden, I had this inner label of shame attached to me. Plus, I realized that I enjoyed the physical. It was a place where no one could fight with me or tear me down...I felt in control. I carried this even into my first years of undergrad at HPU.
Howard Payne...finally a place where I could meet people of shared values! Within the first few weeks, I had met so many people, made friends, and met a really cute guy. In months, I would think he was THE guy. I will save that part for next time...
Have a great weekend everyone!
So, back to the story. This really isn't a fun part to tell. I have been putting it off and dreading it, mostly because it's not familiar to a lot of people, even those close to me. But it needs to be said. The physical transformation I went through from my freshman to sophomore year of high school completely changed the way people saw me. Now, not only do I have the joy of the Lord making me outgoing, but I have highlights, no more braces, a tan, and a curvy figure. All of a sudden, everyone who had given me crap for so long were confused. Their thoughts were something to the effect of: "what do we do with her? She's much better looking, but still a prude." So I became Object: bring Caty down to our level. Luckily I stayed out of trouble with guys that year, but it never occured to me to hold off on dating or to look for a growing Christian. According to my family, if he went to church and wasn't trying to get me under the covers, it was all good.
My trouble began at the end of my sophomore year. A guy 5 years older than me, who I had been friends with for a while, started showing interest in me. This caused a rift between my parents: mom thought it was fine, dad said no. Guess what I went with? I lied to my dad for a while, but finally told him, deliberately disobeying him. I started dating this guy, who began to really push me physically past what I was comfortable with. At 16, I got very close to having sex, and being terrified, broke the relationship off. I found out later that it was a big joke to him also, which crushed me. This guy was my first love, and I felt so insecure after that. Would the next guy use me too?
Even more scary was the door that was opened. Before this relationship, physicality was never a temptation with me. I had kissed before, but it wasn't a big deal. Now, all of a sudden, I had this inner label of shame attached to me. Plus, I realized that I enjoyed the physical. It was a place where no one could fight with me or tear me down...I felt in control. I carried this even into my first years of undergrad at HPU.
Howard Payne...finally a place where I could meet people of shared values! Within the first few weeks, I had met so many people, made friends, and met a really cute guy. In months, I would think he was THE guy. I will save that part for next time...
Have a great weekend everyone!
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
The Story of a Girl, Part 2
So I haven't written anything in a week, partially because I haven't had time, and well...I haven't had time. Graduate work is a beast, even though I love it. Plus, I have been busting my but to possible audition for 24 Fitness on Friday as a TKB instructor! So keep your fingers crossed for me...
So picking up from the Christian counselor...I am not sure where little Edna got her credentials, but when I talked to her about my depression, feelings of guilt, etc., her suggestion was a psychiatric hospital. Mind you, I was 10. Obviously my parents refused, so I was referred to a psychiatrist that was not Christian. The reason for this was that he could prescribe medication, and that seemed like the obvious solution to the parents. Looking back now, it makes me sad that I missed out on such a happy part of my life. Why didn't anyone think, "Maybe she just needs to talk it out?" But instead, I tried to get better so that I would stop putting everyone else through hell. My home was full of tension, people not knowing what to do with me. Honestly, the best part about the whole situation was that I started journaling, which has led to my love for writing today.
I was prescribed Prozac, then something stronger, not really making much progress. I cried all the time and had a hard time making friends...because I didn't know how to react to people my own age. I had big teeth, bifocals, and was constantly trying to play up the "smart" card, which made everyone feel more at ease around me.
When I was in the 6th grade, my mom and stepdad moved me from the 5A Mansfield school district to Iredell, TX, population 360. That's right...10 people in my grade. I think they thought I would stop with the perfectionism, but I became more determined to be both liked and smart. I think the thing I am most thankful for in junior high was the involvement of team sports. This gave me something to look forward to, taught me social skills, and helped me grow out of my awkward appearance stage. Basketball and academics became my life. As I entered high school, I became more and more comfortable with myself, and began to transform from extreme shyness to an outgoing personality.
Let's talk a little bit about religion. If you have heard of the term "legalism," that scratches the surface of what I was raised in. You don't drink. You don't curse. You don't have sex. You read your Bible. Go to church when the doors are open. These are the things that one must do to have a relationship with God. The whole goal is to not disappoint Him. So in all things, I acted as though I loved God, but in reality thinking He must not love me. Yet another motivation for perfection. Even though I grew up knowing about God, I had a true Holy Spirit encounter when I was 14. I met someone like me, who was constantly trying to be perfect, but had truly encountered God's grace. It was then that I believe I truly accepted Christ. However, unlike many testimonies, my real difficulties started after my transformation. We will save some of that for next time.
So picking up from the Christian counselor...I am not sure where little Edna got her credentials, but when I talked to her about my depression, feelings of guilt, etc., her suggestion was a psychiatric hospital. Mind you, I was 10. Obviously my parents refused, so I was referred to a psychiatrist that was not Christian. The reason for this was that he could prescribe medication, and that seemed like the obvious solution to the parents. Looking back now, it makes me sad that I missed out on such a happy part of my life. Why didn't anyone think, "Maybe she just needs to talk it out?" But instead, I tried to get better so that I would stop putting everyone else through hell. My home was full of tension, people not knowing what to do with me. Honestly, the best part about the whole situation was that I started journaling, which has led to my love for writing today.
I was prescribed Prozac, then something stronger, not really making much progress. I cried all the time and had a hard time making friends...because I didn't know how to react to people my own age. I had big teeth, bifocals, and was constantly trying to play up the "smart" card, which made everyone feel more at ease around me.
When I was in the 6th grade, my mom and stepdad moved me from the 5A Mansfield school district to Iredell, TX, population 360. That's right...10 people in my grade. I think they thought I would stop with the perfectionism, but I became more determined to be both liked and smart. I think the thing I am most thankful for in junior high was the involvement of team sports. This gave me something to look forward to, taught me social skills, and helped me grow out of my awkward appearance stage. Basketball and academics became my life. As I entered high school, I became more and more comfortable with myself, and began to transform from extreme shyness to an outgoing personality.
Let's talk a little bit about religion. If you have heard of the term "legalism," that scratches the surface of what I was raised in. You don't drink. You don't curse. You don't have sex. You read your Bible. Go to church when the doors are open. These are the things that one must do to have a relationship with God. The whole goal is to not disappoint Him. So in all things, I acted as though I loved God, but in reality thinking He must not love me. Yet another motivation for perfection. Even though I grew up knowing about God, I had a true Holy Spirit encounter when I was 14. I met someone like me, who was constantly trying to be perfect, but had truly encountered God's grace. It was then that I believe I truly accepted Christ. However, unlike many testimonies, my real difficulties started after my transformation. We will save some of that for next time.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Beauties and the Beast, Round 3
Tomorrow is the first day of a 17 week long weight loss challenge. Some girls in my small group have participated in the past 2 challenges, and they have seen amazing results, so I decided that this time I would tag along. Basically, my eating is about to be taken to a whole new level! I am excited on one hand, but on the other I am afraid. I keep hearing these voices in my head: "What makes you think that you can stick with it this time? How are you any different?" Before I would have called that my cold feet, but now I recognize it as the voice of Satan. He wants me to fail. He wants to cripple me in my journey, and rob me of the joy I am experiencing through all of my fitness networking. But I know that I have the support of, get this, 69 women in this challenge! Isn't that insane??? I think that this challenge will not only help me lose the weight, but will provide me with the accountability and friendship I need in life to feel encouraged and grow in my faith. So a lot of my posts will probably deal with the challenge, seeing as how it will consume a big part of my life for the next few months!
Thursday, August 20, 2009
The Amazing Love of Christ
Since my last post, I have really sought God on the condition on my heart, and am overwhelmed at his response. Now, I know that not a lot of people read my blog, but there is always that fear that I am going to write something really personal and someone will judge me for it or just write me off. But I feel like I have gotten over that, at least for today. So, I am going to write about the amazing revelation that has occurred in my life this past week.
I have been on a journey to lose weight since my junior year of college. Before that, I had worked out, eaten salads, etc., but never really dug in. Obviously, I have never been consistent enough to see results. I put this desire, this THING (as it has become) to the side, focusing on being healthy in all other aspects of my life. The task of being fit was daunting; every time I would eat crap, I would have this out of body experience, watching myself eat, just saying "Caty, what are you doing? Why are you eating that?" but would continue. Eat, chew, work out, whine that I didn't lose.
Many of you know that I have become a Turbo Kick junkie. I started doing it in college, and have been off and on with it. In April I got certified to teach it, a step in good faith, but still look the same because of my inconsistency. Last week I was sitting there, reading blogs of many of my fitness heroes, (Chalene Johnson, Mindy Lawhorne, Michelle Myers, etc) and all of a sudden it clicked: I wasn't anywhere near healthy in any other arena in my life. My loathing of my own body has overflowed into my spiritual life, my social life, my love life, etc. It has become my crutch for failure. Anytime I get rejected by a guy, I think to myself, "It must be because I am too fat. Well I don't want to date a jerk like that anyway." I blamed God for not helping me out along the way. My feelings about myself affected how I communicated with people. All of this came rushing in last week while I was at work, almost immediately after my little hissy fit on my last post. I decided that enough was enough, and that I was done settling for unhealthiness if I ever wanted to be free of this mess that I call food.
Until last week, I didn't realize how much control food had over me. It literally has become an obstacle blocking communication between me and God. As silly as that seems, I see the proof in it now that I have been faithful to work out and eat healthy for just a week. Just ONE WEEK. And I feel so light spiritually, this freedom within me!
I have also come to accept the fact that I cannot start finding reasons to be rejected. I am content being single, but guess what...I want a relationship when God deems the timing right, and there is NOTHING wrong with that! If I can accept that it's not about my weight, but maybe this negative aura I carry around, then maybe I will be even more okay. I can't control that arena of my life...but I can control being the best ME I can be. God can use me right now, and I want to really be obedient to that. That was a hard realization yesterday...I felt really alone for about 10 seconds and then....(now you can choose to believe me or not) I heard God say to me, "You are my child, and you are NEVER alone." Seriously...first time that's happened in a while. So I have been repeating that to myself over and over...and I know that eventually I will start to believe it!
I must say, it's amazing how much Jesus loves me. He never gives up on me, even when I am impossibly pig headed and stubborn. And now, I won't give up on me either...because I know I am not doing this alone.
I have been on a journey to lose weight since my junior year of college. Before that, I had worked out, eaten salads, etc., but never really dug in. Obviously, I have never been consistent enough to see results. I put this desire, this THING (as it has become) to the side, focusing on being healthy in all other aspects of my life. The task of being fit was daunting; every time I would eat crap, I would have this out of body experience, watching myself eat, just saying "Caty, what are you doing? Why are you eating that?" but would continue. Eat, chew, work out, whine that I didn't lose.
Many of you know that I have become a Turbo Kick junkie. I started doing it in college, and have been off and on with it. In April I got certified to teach it, a step in good faith, but still look the same because of my inconsistency. Last week I was sitting there, reading blogs of many of my fitness heroes, (Chalene Johnson, Mindy Lawhorne, Michelle Myers, etc) and all of a sudden it clicked: I wasn't anywhere near healthy in any other arena in my life. My loathing of my own body has overflowed into my spiritual life, my social life, my love life, etc. It has become my crutch for failure. Anytime I get rejected by a guy, I think to myself, "It must be because I am too fat. Well I don't want to date a jerk like that anyway." I blamed God for not helping me out along the way. My feelings about myself affected how I communicated with people. All of this came rushing in last week while I was at work, almost immediately after my little hissy fit on my last post. I decided that enough was enough, and that I was done settling for unhealthiness if I ever wanted to be free of this mess that I call food.
Until last week, I didn't realize how much control food had over me. It literally has become an obstacle blocking communication between me and God. As silly as that seems, I see the proof in it now that I have been faithful to work out and eat healthy for just a week. Just ONE WEEK. And I feel so light spiritually, this freedom within me!
I have also come to accept the fact that I cannot start finding reasons to be rejected. I am content being single, but guess what...I want a relationship when God deems the timing right, and there is NOTHING wrong with that! If I can accept that it's not about my weight, but maybe this negative aura I carry around, then maybe I will be even more okay. I can't control that arena of my life...but I can control being the best ME I can be. God can use me right now, and I want to really be obedient to that. That was a hard realization yesterday...I felt really alone for about 10 seconds and then....(now you can choose to believe me or not) I heard God say to me, "You are my child, and you are NEVER alone." Seriously...first time that's happened in a while. So I have been repeating that to myself over and over...and I know that eventually I will start to believe it!
I must say, it's amazing how much Jesus loves me. He never gives up on me, even when I am impossibly pig headed and stubborn. And now, I won't give up on me either...because I know I am not doing this alone.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Ranting
I am about to go on a little rant. No one is forcing you to read it, so go ahead and hit the "Back" button if you don't want to hear my irrational girl qualms. K...so evidently, because I happen to be out of college and single, that makes me the poster child for single women??? Um, I think not. I don't think I have reached the point of taking my vow of celibacy and joining the convent. I have not stepped on this pedestal of singleness and said, "I have chosen to shun relationships and shall show all of you how to live your lives fully content with being single!!" I have reached a place in my life that I am content with how things are for now, and am being patient about God's timing in the matter. Please don't give me ammunition to fire back at you, you well meaning people who think that I am one of THOSE women. Do I have a briefcase in my hand? Do I wear power suits? Do I have a blackberry? No. I am barely getting by financially, all the while thinking "Man, double income would sure be nice." My career ambition: to be a wife and a mom. So there. Please do not ask me to be the leader for Single Women United...not happening. I am just saying, I think I would know if I were called to be single, and HELLO I AM 23. Not like the reproductive system is drying up yet.
K I am done. Thank you blogger for providing an outlet before I breathed fire onto some unknowing pedestrian.
K I am done. Thank you blogger for providing an outlet before I breathed fire onto some unknowing pedestrian.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Birthday thoughts
On Saturday, I will be 23 years old. To me, this is a random age. However, this is the first time that I feel like I really belong in the adult world. Is that weird? I have been out of college for a year, work all of the time, go to bed early, etc. All of these things fit the profile of an adult. But I think that there is so much more to it than that. For the first time in my life, I feel a level of contentment at what comes my way. Not to say that I don't struggle with it at times, but for the most part I feel at peace about God's timing and provision. This is also odd to me because right now, I feel like life is at its craziest. I am trying to continue to be a light in a dark place, and the feeling is good.
Not to say that there aren't things I miss...I love the freedom of going where you want when you want, to travel abroad at the drop of a hat, to not do my own taxes...lol. But I don't resent adulthood for that. I know that if its God's will for me to do those things, it will happen.
Nothing profound today...just some things I am reflecting on.
Not to say that there aren't things I miss...I love the freedom of going where you want when you want, to travel abroad at the drop of a hat, to not do my own taxes...lol. But I don't resent adulthood for that. I know that if its God's will for me to do those things, it will happen.
Nothing profound today...just some things I am reflecting on.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Ugh.
I just feel like being a little bit transparent...there is one part of my life in particular right now that I am having the hardest time surrendering to God. As a whole, I have peace about the issue, but my heart needs to get the memo. What do you do when you logically know something is not going to happen, but your heart tells you otherwise? I have been burned before and it scares me to be wrong again. It's also an unnerving thing that my attempts in the past year to be vulnerable have come across to some as negativity and complaining. Let me just tell all of you (being the handful that read this), I do not feel like a negative person. Jesus Christ has given me hope; he has taken me from the pit, set my feet on a rock, and given me joy. I have a reason to get up in the morning...I experience a constant stream of LOVE. But, along with that, I reflect a lot. I do not want to let any negativity set up camp in my heart, so I process through it. I ask God for wisdom and strength. I think it is foolish to plaster a smile on all the time and advertise the Polly Pocket Gospel that all of us are so used to. I want people to see that I am not perfect, that I struggle, but that it doesn't end there. God always works my issues out for good according to His purpose. Wow...I needed to hear that right now. Didn't really resonate till I typed it. See? There you go. Lol. Sorry for the randomness of this post, but I needed to process.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Isaiah 65: 1-2 The Message
"I've made Myself available to those who haven't bothered to ask. I'm here, ready to be found. I kept saying, 'I'm here, I'm right here' to a nation that ignored Me. I reached out day after day to a people who turned their backs on Me, people who make wrong turns, who insist on doing things their own way."
I am realizing more and more how judgmental my first instinct is. I don't articulate it much, but when encountering many people/situations, my first reaction is to make a judgment about him/her/it. This is especially true with Israel. I have read the Old Testament more than once, and every time I roll my eyes with disdain at the Israelites. I think to myself, "Geez! Don't you people get it already! Here you have God tangibly speaking, tangibly rescuing you, making food fall from Heaven, giving you the Promised Land, and you STILL DON'T GET IT." Of course I would be different, I think to myself. I am always confident I would do a much better job at being Israel.
Yesterday was my first day of grad school classes. As I sat and listened/watched the discourse going on around the table, I was amazed at how small I felt. I had no idea what anyone was talking about, and had a perpetual question mark on my face. The expert English-ites were trying to be helpful, but most seemed condescending. I felt that the professor must have been questioning my acceptance in the program. As I drove away, I thought about all of the work I had to do, and the lack of time in which to do it all. I thought about my job, and how I am still learning so much and have not yet found my comfort zone there. I thought about the possibility of disappointing my family, who has so much faith in me to do it all. And I burst into tears.
After an afternoon of rejecting phone calls and watching empty hours of television, it hit me really hard that I hadn't yet brought this before God. I hadn't asked the Comforter for comfort, the Prince of Peace for a sense of calm, the Almighty for an ounce of strength. Score: Israel-1, Me-0. Sigh. How on earth did this happen? Maybe because life has been pretty smooth sailing for a while and I haven't needed to rely on God. Maybe I didn't want to hear what He had to say. Maybe I wanted to prove something...I don't know. What I do know is that I can't do this alone. Maybe I will need my friends and family's help. Maybe I will need to get some tutoring. Or maybe I just need to get a reality check and ask God to start chiseling away all the pride that is blocking my sight of Him. In any case, Israel, I take it back.
I am realizing more and more how judgmental my first instinct is. I don't articulate it much, but when encountering many people/situations, my first reaction is to make a judgment about him/her/it. This is especially true with Israel. I have read the Old Testament more than once, and every time I roll my eyes with disdain at the Israelites. I think to myself, "Geez! Don't you people get it already! Here you have God tangibly speaking, tangibly rescuing you, making food fall from Heaven, giving you the Promised Land, and you STILL DON'T GET IT." Of course I would be different, I think to myself. I am always confident I would do a much better job at being Israel.
Yesterday was my first day of grad school classes. As I sat and listened/watched the discourse going on around the table, I was amazed at how small I felt. I had no idea what anyone was talking about, and had a perpetual question mark on my face. The expert English-ites were trying to be helpful, but most seemed condescending. I felt that the professor must have been questioning my acceptance in the program. As I drove away, I thought about all of the work I had to do, and the lack of time in which to do it all. I thought about my job, and how I am still learning so much and have not yet found my comfort zone there. I thought about the possibility of disappointing my family, who has so much faith in me to do it all. And I burst into tears.
After an afternoon of rejecting phone calls and watching empty hours of television, it hit me really hard that I hadn't yet brought this before God. I hadn't asked the Comforter for comfort, the Prince of Peace for a sense of calm, the Almighty for an ounce of strength. Score: Israel-1, Me-0. Sigh. How on earth did this happen? Maybe because life has been pretty smooth sailing for a while and I haven't needed to rely on God. Maybe I didn't want to hear what He had to say. Maybe I wanted to prove something...I don't know. What I do know is that I can't do this alone. Maybe I will need my friends and family's help. Maybe I will need to get some tutoring. Or maybe I just need to get a reality check and ask God to start chiseling away all the pride that is blocking my sight of Him. In any case, Israel, I take it back.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Overanalyzing Analysis
On Wednesday, my first graduate class begins. Because this was the only English course offered in Summer II, I will be taking a class called Critical Contemporary Theory (or maybe it's Contemporary Critical...I don't know). The focus is on psychoanalysis, specifically in regards to film and the theorist Jacques Lacan. Now, looking back over the last couple of sentences it seems like I really know what I am talking about. Um...no. We have to have the first textbook read and have questions ready by this Wednesday...like, 2 days from now. I have 3 chapters left, and let me tell you: I have no idea what this stuff is talking about. Every now and then I will pick up on some nugget of info I can wrap my brain around, but for the most part, I am just writing questions down. But there is one thing that I did find interesting that I thought I would write out.
One part of Lacan's theory is that each person has two levels of dialogue: the ego and the unconscious. The ego is what we consciously think and believe about ourselves. It's what we say, what we write on resumes, the thoughts that run through our brain when we take Facebook quizzes, etc. The unconscious, however, is full of words, thoughts, desires, etc. that at some point were shoved aside when we were first developing, and they are our "true" selves. Honestly, when I read this stuff, my first thought is that it's crappy psycho-babble. I think that people have too much time on their hands breaking down what doesn't even matter. I would consider myself a fairly self-aware; I know most of my weaknesses and own up to them. But then I began to ask myself, "How many times have you had to tell yourself something until you believe it to be true?" To some point, do we concoct the self-image we have? I think that that is the way we all cope with life. We find the least painful possibility and convince ourselves it's truth. Not that I think that is bad...who wants to live in a society full of depressed, crybaby Nancys?
So all that to say, I still don't buy into 150 pages of this stuff. I don't get the charts, and I can safely say there is no way that my sarcasm stems from me missing the breastfeeding days (believe me, there's a whole chapter on that). But I do think that we shortchange our brains a lot. And I am starting to take a second glance at why I do what I do, not because I need the analysis, but because I think it's so interesting to look at the intricacies of how God has made us. I can only hope to have a better grasp of thought processes once this class gets up and rolling.
Yeah, just a lot of babble today, but I have to try some way to understand all of this stuff!!!!
One part of Lacan's theory is that each person has two levels of dialogue: the ego and the unconscious. The ego is what we consciously think and believe about ourselves. It's what we say, what we write on resumes, the thoughts that run through our brain when we take Facebook quizzes, etc. The unconscious, however, is full of words, thoughts, desires, etc. that at some point were shoved aside when we were first developing, and they are our "true" selves. Honestly, when I read this stuff, my first thought is that it's crappy psycho-babble. I think that people have too much time on their hands breaking down what doesn't even matter. I would consider myself a fairly self-aware; I know most of my weaknesses and own up to them. But then I began to ask myself, "How many times have you had to tell yourself something until you believe it to be true?" To some point, do we concoct the self-image we have? I think that that is the way we all cope with life. We find the least painful possibility and convince ourselves it's truth. Not that I think that is bad...who wants to live in a society full of depressed, crybaby Nancys?
So all that to say, I still don't buy into 150 pages of this stuff. I don't get the charts, and I can safely say there is no way that my sarcasm stems from me missing the breastfeeding days (believe me, there's a whole chapter on that). But I do think that we shortchange our brains a lot. And I am starting to take a second glance at why I do what I do, not because I need the analysis, but because I think it's so interesting to look at the intricacies of how God has made us. I can only hope to have a better grasp of thought processes once this class gets up and rolling.
Yeah, just a lot of babble today, but I have to try some way to understand all of this stuff!!!!
Friday, July 3, 2009
Faith vs. Logic
Something I have been challenged with a lot lately is faith. I may have discussed this previously in my posts, but sometimes God repeats Himself with me so what can you do.
On Monday, I started my new job with Grand Homes. I really enjoy it. I get to work with people in a completely different arena. The hours are different but not too bad. It's really a great set up! Yesterday I began thinking, "What if I made a career out of this? What if I become a salesperson and love it and do this forever??" Those of you that know me are probably laughing right about now because you know that I am always looking for the next step. Instead of floor plans, I flip through life plans, trying them on, seeing which one fits for the moment. In the midst of this stream of thoughts, I had a freak out moment. What about going overseas? What about travel? How am I ever going to provide for my future family if I am trapsing across Africa and Europe all of the time? What job would let me do this?"...and it just went on and on.
I guess my question is, how does one survive on faith alone in society today? I personally think that God has given us all brains and the ability to make decisions. I don't think I have to have a burning bush to pursue different career paths. We are not robots; God gives us options. However, where does faith come in? I have been so jaded by people who live on faith alone. I have seen one family in particular destroy their finances and make their children miserable because of stupid decisions, all the while claiming that "it will all be okay because God will provide." And He always makes sure the kids aren't starving or naked, so I guess he does.
Maybe I am too uptight about money, but I just have this fear of destroying my family's future. And I have to admit, seeing some of the guys my age not even thinking about money makes my stomach curl. I am not materialistic; I don't care about wealth. But I do care about responsibility and taking care of business. My dad worked 80 hour weeks at one point just to try to provide for me and my mom, plus driving a milk delivery truck, getting mugged in the process. Yes it sucked for the time, but I know that due to his hard work I was able to have a reliable vehicle and go to the college God was calling me to.
What are your thoughts? I would like some feedback. Is there a balance, and, if so, what is it?
On Monday, I started my new job with Grand Homes. I really enjoy it. I get to work with people in a completely different arena. The hours are different but not too bad. It's really a great set up! Yesterday I began thinking, "What if I made a career out of this? What if I become a salesperson and love it and do this forever??" Those of you that know me are probably laughing right about now because you know that I am always looking for the next step. Instead of floor plans, I flip through life plans, trying them on, seeing which one fits for the moment. In the midst of this stream of thoughts, I had a freak out moment. What about going overseas? What about travel? How am I ever going to provide for my future family if I am trapsing across Africa and Europe all of the time? What job would let me do this?"...and it just went on and on.
I guess my question is, how does one survive on faith alone in society today? I personally think that God has given us all brains and the ability to make decisions. I don't think I have to have a burning bush to pursue different career paths. We are not robots; God gives us options. However, where does faith come in? I have been so jaded by people who live on faith alone. I have seen one family in particular destroy their finances and make their children miserable because of stupid decisions, all the while claiming that "it will all be okay because God will provide." And He always makes sure the kids aren't starving or naked, so I guess he does.
Maybe I am too uptight about money, but I just have this fear of destroying my family's future. And I have to admit, seeing some of the guys my age not even thinking about money makes my stomach curl. I am not materialistic; I don't care about wealth. But I do care about responsibility and taking care of business. My dad worked 80 hour weeks at one point just to try to provide for me and my mom, plus driving a milk delivery truck, getting mugged in the process. Yes it sucked for the time, but I know that due to his hard work I was able to have a reliable vehicle and go to the college God was calling me to.
What are your thoughts? I would like some feedback. Is there a balance, and, if so, what is it?
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Update
Here is the latest news about Stacy's mom. She has not yet had the full body scan that will tell us whether or not the cancer is treatable. However, they started chemo yesterday, because no matter what the outcome of the scan, they are going to try and treat it. Diana Bailey's cancer is carcinoma, which is evidently the worst kind it can be. Stacy is coming home today, I don't know for how long. We have a wedding this weekend which will be a good, fun distraction I think. I will continue to update as I know things. I know that my tendency at times is to read through prayer requests and kind of halfway pray, or forget, but I beg you to just take about 30 seconds after reading this to pray fervently for Stacy's mom. Please pray for healing, for encouragement and comfort for the family, and that God will be glorified.
Thanks so much! I love and appreciate you all.
-caty
Thanks so much! I love and appreciate you all.
-caty
Thursday, June 18, 2009
PLEASE PRAY...
I have an urgent prayer request. I know that no one reads this blog, but please, if you do, pray.
My roommate Stacy found out yesterday that her mom has stomach cancer. Her tumor is half the size of her stomach, and it is also in her lymphnodes. She has some tests on Monday that will tell what the next step is. If it's isolated in her stomach and lymphnodes, they will try to surgically remove as much as possible and start chemo. If it's spread outside her stomach, it is basically untreatable. Please pray that God would miraculously heal Diana Bailey. I believe it is possible.
Stacy went from thinking it was stomach pain to finding this out yesterday. It has been very difficult for her family to process, especially her youngest sister Erin, who is 12. She worries herself into throwing up and not being able to sleep. Please pray that her anxiety would go down and that she would feel God's comfort during this time. Stacy's older sister Amanda is 6 months pregnant and they are worried that she is going to go into early labor from the stress of everything.
I know that God is not surprised by this. I know that He is going to be glorified, and His will will be done. But I think that something amazing can happen through this in her family. I am praying for miraculous healing, for comfort that surpasses anything they have ever known, and for peace. Please join me in praying for the Baileys. Thank you.
My roommate Stacy found out yesterday that her mom has stomach cancer. Her tumor is half the size of her stomach, and it is also in her lymphnodes. She has some tests on Monday that will tell what the next step is. If it's isolated in her stomach and lymphnodes, they will try to surgically remove as much as possible and start chemo. If it's spread outside her stomach, it is basically untreatable. Please pray that God would miraculously heal Diana Bailey. I believe it is possible.
Stacy went from thinking it was stomach pain to finding this out yesterday. It has been very difficult for her family to process, especially her youngest sister Erin, who is 12. She worries herself into throwing up and not being able to sleep. Please pray that her anxiety would go down and that she would feel God's comfort during this time. Stacy's older sister Amanda is 6 months pregnant and they are worried that she is going to go into early labor from the stress of everything.
I know that God is not surprised by this. I know that He is going to be glorified, and His will will be done. But I think that something amazing can happen through this in her family. I am praying for miraculous healing, for comfort that surpasses anything they have ever known, and for peace. Please join me in praying for the Baileys. Thank you.
Friday, June 12, 2009
God's Favorite
I went to Iredell yesterday to see family on my mom's side. I can always count on a story coming out of those visits, sometimes fabulous, sometimes hilarious, sometimes frustrating. Now that I am back, I indeed have a story.
My little brother is "special" in every sense of the word. When he arrived in our home as a foster child, he was about 2 months old and weighed less than 10 pounds. Jonathan was so malnourished he couldn't even suck on a bottle. Now he is a full fledged Davis, is 7 1/2 years old, and I see the repercussions of his babyhood. He is labelled as "developmentally delayed" by doctors, and is just missing a few links to the chain. He can communicate, walk, etc., but just is not your typical 7 year old. However, he is my favorite. (Don't tell the others.)
Yesterday, he had climbed into one of those plastic police cars that toddlers scoot around in and was rolling across the room, skinny white legs flailing about as if screaming "Get us outta here!" Suddenly, he stopped the car in front of me. He got very serious. Jonathan said quietly..."I just want ya'll to believe in God." He got emotional, started sniffing, and began to cry, even through the reassurances of "I do!" "We do!" coming from my family and I. He paused, then continued: "Sometimes I cry when I don't believe, because God believes in us.....I forgive you." I was following until the last part..but he just kept repeating himself over and over. Finally, my mom got him out of the car and began to rock him and sing, which always soothes him.
Most members of my family would smile at this, laugh it out, give a little "Oh, Jonathan..." and move along with their day. But this really hit me, especially the last part..."I forgive you." First of all, I don't think my brother understands the alphabet, let alone forgiveness for disbelief. I am working on a theory that I thought I would share. I have always joked and told people that I think Jonathan is God's favorite (which by the way, I believe). However, I want to venture further than that: I think that my brother talks to God. And hears God talk back.
Jonathan is so tender hearted...a very sweet, sensitive little boy. He repeats everything he hears, just like a parrot. He can't handle people being mad at him, loud voices, etc. So the thought of hurting God's feelings breaks his little heart. So why say "I forgive you"? Maybe because he heard his Daddy say it? Just a thought. I often wonder how this little boy can be so happy in a world that tears apart the individuals who are different. I think it is because his best friend, God, is always there with him. I think that Jonathan grasps friendship with Jesus in a way that I hope to one day attain, but am nowhere close to being. My little brother, God's favorite, inspires me.
My little brother is "special" in every sense of the word. When he arrived in our home as a foster child, he was about 2 months old and weighed less than 10 pounds. Jonathan was so malnourished he couldn't even suck on a bottle. Now he is a full fledged Davis, is 7 1/2 years old, and I see the repercussions of his babyhood. He is labelled as "developmentally delayed" by doctors, and is just missing a few links to the chain. He can communicate, walk, etc., but just is not your typical 7 year old. However, he is my favorite. (Don't tell the others.)
Yesterday, he had climbed into one of those plastic police cars that toddlers scoot around in and was rolling across the room, skinny white legs flailing about as if screaming "Get us outta here!" Suddenly, he stopped the car in front of me. He got very serious. Jonathan said quietly..."I just want ya'll to believe in God." He got emotional, started sniffing, and began to cry, even through the reassurances of "I do!" "We do!" coming from my family and I. He paused, then continued: "Sometimes I cry when I don't believe, because God believes in us.....I forgive you." I was following until the last part..but he just kept repeating himself over and over. Finally, my mom got him out of the car and began to rock him and sing, which always soothes him.
Most members of my family would smile at this, laugh it out, give a little "Oh, Jonathan..." and move along with their day. But this really hit me, especially the last part..."I forgive you." First of all, I don't think my brother understands the alphabet, let alone forgiveness for disbelief. I am working on a theory that I thought I would share. I have always joked and told people that I think Jonathan is God's favorite (which by the way, I believe). However, I want to venture further than that: I think that my brother talks to God. And hears God talk back.
Jonathan is so tender hearted...a very sweet, sensitive little boy. He repeats everything he hears, just like a parrot. He can't handle people being mad at him, loud voices, etc. So the thought of hurting God's feelings breaks his little heart. So why say "I forgive you"? Maybe because he heard his Daddy say it? Just a thought. I often wonder how this little boy can be so happy in a world that tears apart the individuals who are different. I think it is because his best friend, God, is always there with him. I think that Jonathan grasps friendship with Jesus in a way that I hope to one day attain, but am nowhere close to being. My little brother, God's favorite, inspires me.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Brownies, Resumes, and Tears
And again, the emotional roller coaster that is my life goes up and down...and I am sitting there, belted in, hands raised, not knowing if I am having fun or scared out of my mind....
I am an English teacher. I teach literary devices, one of which is irony. Let me give you an example: someone who has hated their job, spent countless hours seeking other opportunities, has cried herself to sleep, finally turns in a letter of resignation. A week later, the job starts to get better, and by the end of the job, the person loves it and doesn't want to leave. Ironic? Yep. Me? Right again. On Tuesday, one of my students made me brownies and wrote me a really sweet letter, while another brought me coffee. It was in that moment I asked myself, "What was I thinking?" Then of course, I turned to God: "What am I going to do? I've screwed it up again."
I have applied to a couple of places, and last night applied to 2 different school districts. I am terrified. What am I going to do? How am I going to pay rent? What if I make yet another crucial mistake? Should I be getting my masters? All of this and more is floating in my head. I went to New Community at the Property last night, and it all just came loose. I cried and cried when we were singing the song "Everlasting." The verses really hit me: "...should I stumble again, I'm caught in your grace....the art of losing myself in bringing You praise." Paul and I talked and he really hit the nail on the head. I have this vision of who God is molding me to be, and what He is going to use me for, and I want it to happen now. I keep trying to force it, and again and again He says, "Not yet." I am overcome by how lacsidaisical I am concerning the Word and intercession. In theory, I desire fervently to be intimate with God..but what am I doing to make that happen?
So these are my thoughts...no resolution as of this morning, though it is true that He makes His mercy new every day. I woke up this morning, read some verses, and really meditated on His truth. And that is a start, at least. We shall see...I know that at the end of this rollercoaster I will be glad I rode it.
I am an English teacher. I teach literary devices, one of which is irony. Let me give you an example: someone who has hated their job, spent countless hours seeking other opportunities, has cried herself to sleep, finally turns in a letter of resignation. A week later, the job starts to get better, and by the end of the job, the person loves it and doesn't want to leave. Ironic? Yep. Me? Right again. On Tuesday, one of my students made me brownies and wrote me a really sweet letter, while another brought me coffee. It was in that moment I asked myself, "What was I thinking?" Then of course, I turned to God: "What am I going to do? I've screwed it up again."
I have applied to a couple of places, and last night applied to 2 different school districts. I am terrified. What am I going to do? How am I going to pay rent? What if I make yet another crucial mistake? Should I be getting my masters? All of this and more is floating in my head. I went to New Community at the Property last night, and it all just came loose. I cried and cried when we were singing the song "Everlasting." The verses really hit me: "...should I stumble again, I'm caught in your grace....the art of losing myself in bringing You praise." Paul and I talked and he really hit the nail on the head. I have this vision of who God is molding me to be, and what He is going to use me for, and I want it to happen now. I keep trying to force it, and again and again He says, "Not yet." I am overcome by how lacsidaisical I am concerning the Word and intercession. In theory, I desire fervently to be intimate with God..but what am I doing to make that happen?
So these are my thoughts...no resolution as of this morning, though it is true that He makes His mercy new every day. I woke up this morning, read some verses, and really meditated on His truth. And that is a start, at least. We shall see...I know that at the end of this rollercoaster I will be glad I rode it.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Closing Up Shop
There are officially 5 days left of school, and I don't know how to feel. Why is it that some kiddos choose the last week of school to act like they love you? God has been so faithful in that I have been able to build relationships with difficult students in these last few weeks. My heart actually hearts a bit when I think about the possibility that I might not see most of these kids ever again. I am realizing that I cannot control what these guys and girls choose to do in life. I can't control their education, their personal lives, their pursuit of truth, nothing. But I have faith that God has used me to plant seeds, and that He is faithful! He will put other people in their paths, and I feel blessed to be a part. All in all, the school year was not in vain!
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Step in the Right Direction
Today I made some drastic changes in life. I am not going to tell anyone...this will be kept secret, under wraps, until the end of the summer. I am horrible at keeping my own secrets so we will see how that goes...but I am excited. I am finally taking control of some things, and have decided that this certain thing is worth the difficulty that comes with it. When I turn 23, I will "come out" with it because I have faith that the results will be obvious. I think that what I am doing is also going to enable me to clear the channel between God and I. I am excited!!! Yay being mysterious.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Surrender
Surrender
Clenching, white knuckling this desire
If I let go, then I lose control
Not like I had it to begin with
Every time I hear you say “Let go”
My mind gives it all to you
But my heart hides a piece in its dark corners
Hoping that mental submission is enough
But the merry go round keeps turning
And eventually I am back where I began
On my knees trying take this yearning captive.
That’s the trouble with humanity; I can’t be You.
Which is a good thing, but frustrating in times like these.
I brace myself, ready for the blow
That will knock my grasp loose and
Pry the want out
Instead, a caress…a breath. A whisper.
"Let Me love you. Let Me help you. Let Me take this burden from you."
Unexpected kindness in a situation of frustration. Hmmm.
"I want what is BEST for you. Do you trust Me?"
Theoretically, yes. Mentally, yes. Emotionally? Eh…
Sadly, the curse of estrogen strikes once again.
Spaghetti trumps waffle every time in my brain,
And it all gets tangled together.
Each knot takes time to untangle. Patience. Gentleness.
One by one, the strings loosen and fall,
leaving me in a state of brokenness.
But a brokenness unlike that of heartbreak.
Not of loss, of grief, or of unbearable pain.
But a brokenness of availability.
A blank slate, clear of previous paint, scratches, marks, cuts.
Ready and waiting for change, for complete transformation.
It’s a great place to be. It’s a scary place to be.
The great antithesis; such is my life.
But I can’t be there until I
Surrender.
I'll try.
Clenching, white knuckling this desire
If I let go, then I lose control
Not like I had it to begin with
Every time I hear you say “Let go”
My mind gives it all to you
But my heart hides a piece in its dark corners
Hoping that mental submission is enough
But the merry go round keeps turning
And eventually I am back where I began
On my knees trying take this yearning captive.
That’s the trouble with humanity; I can’t be You.
Which is a good thing, but frustrating in times like these.
I brace myself, ready for the blow
That will knock my grasp loose and
Pry the want out
Instead, a caress…a breath. A whisper.
"Let Me love you. Let Me help you. Let Me take this burden from you."
Unexpected kindness in a situation of frustration. Hmmm.
"I want what is BEST for you. Do you trust Me?"
Theoretically, yes. Mentally, yes. Emotionally? Eh…
Sadly, the curse of estrogen strikes once again.
Spaghetti trumps waffle every time in my brain,
And it all gets tangled together.
Each knot takes time to untangle. Patience. Gentleness.
One by one, the strings loosen and fall,
leaving me in a state of brokenness.
But a brokenness unlike that of heartbreak.
Not of loss, of grief, or of unbearable pain.
But a brokenness of availability.
A blank slate, clear of previous paint, scratches, marks, cuts.
Ready and waiting for change, for complete transformation.
It’s a great place to be. It’s a scary place to be.
The great antithesis; such is my life.
But I can’t be there until I
Surrender.
I'll try.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Hebrews 12: 1-2
On Sunday morning, I found myself to be an emotional basketcase, who even knows why. I could not stop crying! If you know me, you know that I absolutely hate it when people see me cry. HATE it. But hey, it happens. So, being Ms. Productivity, I decided to root out the source of my tears in order to root out this crybaby nancy inside of me. Through a lot of reflection and through God doing some things in the lives of people around me, I am finding that it is simply a personal problem; I am allowing negativity to permeate my mind and my spirit.
From the minute I wake up in the morning until I go to sleep at night, I am surrounded by sources of negativity. Fellow teachers, upset students, parent e-mails, even my own family's ridiculousness at times tempt me to give in, to be negative. The insecurities you always think are gone spring up in the least likely times. And I have let that completely saturate me. Why? Who knows. But it is starting to affect my relationships. I have not been seeking to share my faith at all. I have just been stagnant in this perpetual pity party and I am sick of it!
I was given an unexpected conference period today (TAKS week) so I decided to look up some Scripture and just meditate on it a bit. I turned to Hebrews 12:1-2, which reads: "Therefore since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." This verse has encouraged me to just let it go and stop letting all of the negative factors in my life affect me, because I am in control of that.
This has also given me a perspective on missions. I have been very sad that I am not able to go overseas right now, but I am seeing that I have a lot that I need to learn to be satisfied with, and going overseas will not make that go away. So, all that to say, I am looking forward to having time to sort through all of this, starting now. I refuse to let other people as well as my own thoughts affect my pursuit of holiness and intimacy with Christ.
From the minute I wake up in the morning until I go to sleep at night, I am surrounded by sources of negativity. Fellow teachers, upset students, parent e-mails, even my own family's ridiculousness at times tempt me to give in, to be negative. The insecurities you always think are gone spring up in the least likely times. And I have let that completely saturate me. Why? Who knows. But it is starting to affect my relationships. I have not been seeking to share my faith at all. I have just been stagnant in this perpetual pity party and I am sick of it!
I was given an unexpected conference period today (TAKS week) so I decided to look up some Scripture and just meditate on it a bit. I turned to Hebrews 12:1-2, which reads: "Therefore since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." This verse has encouraged me to just let it go and stop letting all of the negative factors in my life affect me, because I am in control of that.
This has also given me a perspective on missions. I have been very sad that I am not able to go overseas right now, but I am seeing that I have a lot that I need to learn to be satisfied with, and going overseas will not make that go away. So, all that to say, I am looking forward to having time to sort through all of this, starting now. I refuse to let other people as well as my own thoughts affect my pursuit of holiness and intimacy with Christ.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Favorite Things
Verse 1:
Vanilla lattes and skinny jeans
Designer purses and diamond rings
These are a few of my favorite things,
But why do I feel so bad?
Read a good book, fly a kite on a string
Playing guitar, while attempting to sing
These are a few of my favorite things,
But why do I still feel bad?
Me, I, mine mine mine
I cry and I curse, and I wail and I whine
But wait; I'm having an epiphany:
What if my life's not just about me?
Chorus:
What would happen if I opened my mouth
For those who've had to keep quiet?
What would happen if I opened my home
And showed kindness instead of denying it?
What could be if I got down on my knees,
and prayed for them instead of praying for me?
Maybe I'd find that I'd changed my mind
on a few of my favorite things.
Verse 2:
Watching movies, again and again
Waiting to see how each one will end
When you have a TV, who needs a friend?
I can pretend that I don't feel sad.
Plug in my headphones, turn it up loud
Get where I'm going, avoid the crowd
I try not to hear, or get a good look around,
So that way I won't get sad
Me, I, mine mine mine
Sums up my brain, 100% of the time
But I'm thinking I am able to barely see
That maybe the world doesn't revolve around me..
Chorus:
What would happen if I opened my eyes
and saw the hurt people hide inside?
What would happen if I opened my ears,
and heard the millions of people that cried?
What if I start by letting go of my heart,
Trading bitterness for a feeling of something, anything
Maybe I'd find that I'd changed my mind
on a few of my favorite things
Bridge:
All over the world there are boys and girls
who can't see the light at the end of the tunnel
we have hope and we've experienced grace--
think we could share at least a little....?
Verse 3:
Grabbing some coffee with a friend of a friend
Tells me how lonesome his life has been
I smile and I tell him the darkness will end...
...and he doesn't have to be sad
On the way home I turn the radio down,
Say a quick prayer, and take a good look around
Because talking to Jesus about everything
Has slowly become one of my favorite things...
And now I don't feel so bad.
Vanilla lattes and skinny jeans
Designer purses and diamond rings
These are a few of my favorite things,
But why do I feel so bad?
Read a good book, fly a kite on a string
Playing guitar, while attempting to sing
These are a few of my favorite things,
But why do I still feel bad?
Me, I, mine mine mine
I cry and I curse, and I wail and I whine
But wait; I'm having an epiphany:
What if my life's not just about me?
Chorus:
What would happen if I opened my mouth
For those who've had to keep quiet?
What would happen if I opened my home
And showed kindness instead of denying it?
What could be if I got down on my knees,
and prayed for them instead of praying for me?
Maybe I'd find that I'd changed my mind
on a few of my favorite things.
Verse 2:
Watching movies, again and again
Waiting to see how each one will end
When you have a TV, who needs a friend?
I can pretend that I don't feel sad.
Plug in my headphones, turn it up loud
Get where I'm going, avoid the crowd
I try not to hear, or get a good look around,
So that way I won't get sad
Me, I, mine mine mine
Sums up my brain, 100% of the time
But I'm thinking I am able to barely see
That maybe the world doesn't revolve around me..
Chorus:
What would happen if I opened my eyes
and saw the hurt people hide inside?
What would happen if I opened my ears,
and heard the millions of people that cried?
What if I start by letting go of my heart,
Trading bitterness for a feeling of something, anything
Maybe I'd find that I'd changed my mind
on a few of my favorite things
Bridge:
All over the world there are boys and girls
who can't see the light at the end of the tunnel
we have hope and we've experienced grace--
think we could share at least a little....?
Verse 3:
Grabbing some coffee with a friend of a friend
Tells me how lonesome his life has been
I smile and I tell him the darkness will end...
...and he doesn't have to be sad
On the way home I turn the radio down,
Say a quick prayer, and take a good look around
Because talking to Jesus about everything
Has slowly become one of my favorite things...
And now I don't feel so bad.
Monday, April 20, 2009
When You Say Go
I love Mondays because they are so chill. I work out, come home, shower, eat and just relax until bedtime. I was laying on my bed listening to Celine Dion (shut up, any haters out there) and got the urge to look through my London album from my freshman year of college. As I was looking through some of the pictures, I remembered a bag in my closet that had all of my stuff that wouldn't fit in the album. I found notes of encouragement from my family and my team mates, pictures that my sisters had drawn me, verses I had tried to memorize, ticket stubs, a map of Westminster Abbey, and a whole store of other treasures. I poured over each item, letting the memory accompanying it make its home in the frontal lobes of my brain. I remembered the people we met, the friendships I made, and that feeling that I was right smack dab in the middle of God's will.
However, I confess that this whole trip down Memory Lane is making me wonder when it will be my turn once again to go. I had everything lined up to teach in Prague next year, and if that were still happening I would be leaving in August. Now, I know it was my choice not to go, and I stand by that. I do believe that I heard God very clearly tell me, "Shh. Wait." I know that God has something wonderful in store for me, even though I might not know exactly what that is. But still...I hunger and thirst for the opportunity to travel the world and share the Good News. I know that no matter when this happens, I will meet some adversity from people who want me here, and I believe that this will be mostly out of love. But I am praying that God will use the time I am here to use me in the lives of the people I directly influence: my students, my family, my friends, my co-workers, my neighbors, my church...the list goes on. I realize that God has a purpose for keeping me here right now, and who am I to fight Him?
One of the quotes from a card in my London bag said this: "I yield myself to Him, for He is worthy of the total response of my entire being." I hope that I can live up to this statement. I pray that the nations will be impacted through my life in Arlington, TX. And I know that my God is big enough not only to accomplish this, but to do things that I cannot even fathom. Because He is absolutely in love with His people. Man. Good stuff. :)
However, I confess that this whole trip down Memory Lane is making me wonder when it will be my turn once again to go. I had everything lined up to teach in Prague next year, and if that were still happening I would be leaving in August. Now, I know it was my choice not to go, and I stand by that. I do believe that I heard God very clearly tell me, "Shh. Wait." I know that God has something wonderful in store for me, even though I might not know exactly what that is. But still...I hunger and thirst for the opportunity to travel the world and share the Good News. I know that no matter when this happens, I will meet some adversity from people who want me here, and I believe that this will be mostly out of love. But I am praying that God will use the time I am here to use me in the lives of the people I directly influence: my students, my family, my friends, my co-workers, my neighbors, my church...the list goes on. I realize that God has a purpose for keeping me here right now, and who am I to fight Him?
One of the quotes from a card in my London bag said this: "I yield myself to Him, for He is worthy of the total response of my entire being." I hope that I can live up to this statement. I pray that the nations will be impacted through my life in Arlington, TX. And I know that my God is big enough not only to accomplish this, but to do things that I cannot even fathom. Because He is absolutely in love with His people. Man. Good stuff. :)
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Acres of Hope
When I first started typing this entry, I wanted to paint a picture of a girl who desperately needs hope, and talk about how much light Jesus can shed into the dark places of our hearts, no matter how grim and bleak. As I was typing this, I got a phone call from someone who, though I love them more than I can imagine, I cannot speak to without feeling a surge of anger towards. I sat here, staring at my blinking cursor, trying to write about hope when all I could muster was angry thoughts toward this person. How is she oblivious? How can she not realize how upset I am? How can she really truly think that she is the victim here, and how does she think she can make me feel guilty for being so distant? After hanging up following a truly awkward void of silence, I realized that instead of creating a scenario of some third party damsel in distress waiting for her Knight to save her, I should basically talk about hope from a first person POV.
When I think about who God is to me and what He has done on this journey I call my life, it's easy to get overwhelmed. I have always appeared to the outside onlooker to have it all together. I am the leader; I am the strong one; I am dependable. And most of the time, I have found joy from these things. But we all have our dark places, and there have certainly been times when I let the darkness consume my mind and steal my joy.
I believe that happiness is a choice most of the time. God brings us through our crap; He changes us, makes us stronger. And we have the ability to put these things behind us, to look at them with a new fresh perspective. Or, we can feel sorry for ourselves for our poor pitiful testimonies.
Most of the time, I think that I am that first person. For those of you who don't know, I have experienced a lot of different forms of abuse, ranging from emotional to physical. God has shown me so much through these things. He has given me a future and a hope, and has used these events to show me my calling and mission in life. However....there are moments like 10 minutes ago when I feel my flesh creeping back up on me, threatening to overtake my joyful spirit with how terrible certain situations are. And when I realize this....
I also realize that my need for the hope Christ provides is not past tense. It's never ending. A constant flow of grace showering down on me. I will never, ever be in a place that I do not need Jesus. And that doesn't make me moody, odd, depressed, or anything like that. It makes me human...a bleeding woman trying to touch His robe. A crying girl washing her Savior's feet with her tears. A short tax collector climbing a tree to catch even a glimpse of this King of the Jews.
I challenge everyone who reads this, even though not many do, to stop putting barbed wire fences around their acres of hope provided by Jesus, and to instead roll around in it. Frollick. Pick the flowers. Let the rain wash over you. Just enjoy it.
I know that is something that I need to be doing.
When I think about who God is to me and what He has done on this journey I call my life, it's easy to get overwhelmed. I have always appeared to the outside onlooker to have it all together. I am the leader; I am the strong one; I am dependable. And most of the time, I have found joy from these things. But we all have our dark places, and there have certainly been times when I let the darkness consume my mind and steal my joy.
I believe that happiness is a choice most of the time. God brings us through our crap; He changes us, makes us stronger. And we have the ability to put these things behind us, to look at them with a new fresh perspective. Or, we can feel sorry for ourselves for our poor pitiful testimonies.
Most of the time, I think that I am that first person. For those of you who don't know, I have experienced a lot of different forms of abuse, ranging from emotional to physical. God has shown me so much through these things. He has given me a future and a hope, and has used these events to show me my calling and mission in life. However....there are moments like 10 minutes ago when I feel my flesh creeping back up on me, threatening to overtake my joyful spirit with how terrible certain situations are. And when I realize this....
I also realize that my need for the hope Christ provides is not past tense. It's never ending. A constant flow of grace showering down on me. I will never, ever be in a place that I do not need Jesus. And that doesn't make me moody, odd, depressed, or anything like that. It makes me human...a bleeding woman trying to touch His robe. A crying girl washing her Savior's feet with her tears. A short tax collector climbing a tree to catch even a glimpse of this King of the Jews.
I challenge everyone who reads this, even though not many do, to stop putting barbed wire fences around their acres of hope provided by Jesus, and to instead roll around in it. Frollick. Pick the flowers. Let the rain wash over you. Just enjoy it.
I know that is something that I need to be doing.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Trust and Obey
I grew up on hymns in church; therefore, when I go through anything or have any new event in life, usually some kind of hymn lyric pops in my head. Today, it's the popular tune "Trust and Obey."
"Trust and obey, for there's no other way, to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey."
I knew that once I got a "plan" for this coming year, something would happen and it would not go the way I thought. But still, I always kind of hope that this time the "plan" will work out. Well it isn't, and even though God has proven Himself so faithfully time and time again, my first reaction is to say "God? Really?"
I am learning to just let the peace that passes understanding rule my emotions, not the flightiness of day to day life. It's a difficult lesson to practice, but so worth it. I want to be "happy in Jesus," so I will learn to "trust and obey."
"Trust and obey, for there's no other way, to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey."
I knew that once I got a "plan" for this coming year, something would happen and it would not go the way I thought. But still, I always kind of hope that this time the "plan" will work out. Well it isn't, and even though God has proven Himself so faithfully time and time again, my first reaction is to say "God? Really?"
I am learning to just let the peace that passes understanding rule my emotions, not the flightiness of day to day life. It's a difficult lesson to practice, but so worth it. I want to be "happy in Jesus," so I will learn to "trust and obey."
Friday, March 13, 2009
"Have we trials and temptations?....take it to the Lord in prayer."
Worry has been an issue as of late. Last night it went too far, and I was jolted out of the cycle a bit. When I went to sleep, I lay in bed worrying about a meeting I would be having in the morning. I dreamed about it. I woke up early thinking about it. Worry consumed my thoughts..until I stepped out into the rain to get into my vehicle to go to work. All of a sudden, I heard the Holy Spirit whisper, "Caty...I got this." It was like a breath of fresh air. I was reminded that, if God is for me, who can be against me? Scriptures were brought to my mind, and I was reminded once again about the faithfulness of God, and my own lack of bringing my needs before Him. The constant need for surrender.
I must say that I am ready for the valley to be over. I hate hate hate feeling needy, and feeling like I am depressed and in the dark instead of being able to be the one with the answers. I like to be the "helper" not the "helpee" and it's not a fun feeling right now. There are so many "what ifs" and for the first time in my life, I don't know what I will be doing 6 months from now. But I do know that God is molding me so much, and I am excited about what all of this is going to produce in my life.
I will be traveling to Indiana today, and look forward to being around people who first influenced the passion God placed in my heart for abused women. I am hoping to really be able to rejuvenate and put on a positive attitude!
-Caty
I must say that I am ready for the valley to be over. I hate hate hate feeling needy, and feeling like I am depressed and in the dark instead of being able to be the one with the answers. I like to be the "helper" not the "helpee" and it's not a fun feeling right now. There are so many "what ifs" and for the first time in my life, I don't know what I will be doing 6 months from now. But I do know that God is molding me so much, and I am excited about what all of this is going to produce in my life.
I will be traveling to Indiana today, and look forward to being around people who first influenced the passion God placed in my heart for abused women. I am hoping to really be able to rejuvenate and put on a positive attitude!
-Caty
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Almost Famous
This morning I was soooo close to being on the radio. Kidd Kraddick has a segment titled "It Sucks to be Me." I mean, I was on air, waiting for my turn. I was going to tell the story of how yesterday my students made up a filthy song about me and programmed it to play through the loudspeaker. Then I chickened out because I was afraid my kiddos would hear. It sucks to be me. lol
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Random things that make me happy.
In no particular order....
the August Rush soundtrack
my pink fuzzy robe
TCAL
making unexpected friends
chill time with the familia
writing a song that doesn't suck too badly
having a student want to talk to me about life
coffee.
Jesus.
coffee.
Jesus.
coffee.
Jesus.
most musicals.
the Riggins family.
reading mindless books.
MEL.
reality television.
impromptu mud wrestling.
using punctuation incorrectly. on purpose.
receiving flowers.
youtube.
my iPhone
chips and salsa
inappropriate humor
pedicures
compliments- both to give and receive
booty dancing.
the Dallas Mavericks.
Harry Potter.
Snow...with fuzzy hats and scarves and tall boots.
making music videos.
weddings.
walk in closets.
my new ponytail.
talking on the phone while driving long distances.
Sonic diet dp with vanilla.
Reading really nice recommendation letters.
Europe..or the dream of.
the August Rush soundtrack
my pink fuzzy robe
TCAL
making unexpected friends
chill time with the familia
writing a song that doesn't suck too badly
having a student want to talk to me about life
coffee.
Jesus.
coffee.
Jesus.
coffee.
Jesus.
most musicals.
the Riggins family.
reading mindless books.
MEL.
reality television.
impromptu mud wrestling.
using punctuation incorrectly. on purpose.
receiving flowers.
youtube.
my iPhone
chips and salsa
inappropriate humor
pedicures
compliments- both to give and receive
booty dancing.
the Dallas Mavericks.
Harry Potter.
Snow...with fuzzy hats and scarves and tall boots.
making music videos.
weddings.
walk in closets.
my new ponytail.
talking on the phone while driving long distances.
Sonic diet dp with vanilla.
Reading really nice recommendation letters.
Europe..or the dream of.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Pain
There is something about pain that affects us more than any other emotion. It permeates even the most random of circumstances, and finds us in the most unlikely places, at times where we feel the most safe. We live life anticipating its arrival, yet it always seems to shake us to the core when it finally finds us. Pain brings about many things, many unexpected things: anger at those who inflict it, resentment towards those who allow it, love towards those who receive it. Pain causes us to reevaluate why we do things, and who we do them for. It molds we think we are into sometimes the worst versions of ourselves, our fleshly shadows who thrive on the crumbs of suffering.
However, there are those rare occasions when pain accidentally messes up its own mission, and shapes us into something that slightly resembles the silouhette of Christ. The pain of nails piercing flesh resonates within our beings, relates to our deepest wounds, and gives us the peace of companionship to bring us through the darkness. We see that pain can sometimes be the result of love, even the method love uses to reach us when nothing else seems to work.
For me, pain is a refreshing reminder that I am not numb. That I feel. And that is a beautiful thing to me. Though it can temporarily blind me, incapacitate me, knock out the very breath with which I cry out to Jesus, I embrace it if it means I can be more like Him. After all...His favorite voice to use is a whisper.
However, there are those rare occasions when pain accidentally messes up its own mission, and shapes us into something that slightly resembles the silouhette of Christ. The pain of nails piercing flesh resonates within our beings, relates to our deepest wounds, and gives us the peace of companionship to bring us through the darkness. We see that pain can sometimes be the result of love, even the method love uses to reach us when nothing else seems to work.
For me, pain is a refreshing reminder that I am not numb. That I feel. And that is a beautiful thing to me. Though it can temporarily blind me, incapacitate me, knock out the very breath with which I cry out to Jesus, I embrace it if it means I can be more like Him. After all...His favorite voice to use is a whisper.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Renewing Your Mind
Isn't it crazy how God uses every avenue in your life to mold a specific part of you? Let me just give the rundown of the different things I have been challenged with, then I will tie them all together in a neat little spiritual package. :)
1) School. The den of negativity. "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here!" At least, that is what it says above the AP Senior Literature teacher's door. I am constantly feeling the presence of dementors (Harry Potter, anyone?) lurking the hallways, making my classroom cold and my spirit heavy. I have been struggling with complaining in this area of my life, and falling into the teacher's lounge conversations of who said this, and who is a bad teacher, and blady blah. At TCAL about a month ago, we were extended the "Grumble Challenge" to not complain verbally or mentally. This has really hit me here at school, where most of my complaining originates and takes place.
2) Family. I am going to keep this as broad as possible, but there are several things that are weighing heavy on my heart.
3) Friendships. Really good things happening here. I feel like I am finally connecting with people, that people are getting to know me for me, and I feel like I actually have a place.
4) Church. Basically the best part of life. I am singing on the praise team, working with college students, and basically am challenged every single time I walk through the doors of both a church service and my small group.
All of this to say, in our college group we are learning about renewing our minds and taking control of my thought life. I wish I would have had all of this in college...so many of my thoughts in all of these areas simply run rampant with no harness or leash whatsoever. I have been chewing on all of this, and I think I am having breakthroughs. Even though I hate my job, I can make a difference while I am here, and I am thankful that I have a full time job with the way the economy is. I am thankful that my family is still alive and kicking, and that my relationship with my sister is so good. I am thankful that I am starting to love working out again. I am thankful for the amazing relationships I have built through TCAL. I am thankful for the ways God is using my past mission experiences even today, even though I don't get to go to Prague next year. It's good.
1) School. The den of negativity. "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here!" At least, that is what it says above the AP Senior Literature teacher's door. I am constantly feeling the presence of dementors (Harry Potter, anyone?) lurking the hallways, making my classroom cold and my spirit heavy. I have been struggling with complaining in this area of my life, and falling into the teacher's lounge conversations of who said this, and who is a bad teacher, and blady blah. At TCAL about a month ago, we were extended the "Grumble Challenge" to not complain verbally or mentally. This has really hit me here at school, where most of my complaining originates and takes place.
2) Family. I am going to keep this as broad as possible, but there are several things that are weighing heavy on my heart.
3) Friendships. Really good things happening here. I feel like I am finally connecting with people, that people are getting to know me for me, and I feel like I actually have a place.
4) Church. Basically the best part of life. I am singing on the praise team, working with college students, and basically am challenged every single time I walk through the doors of both a church service and my small group.
All of this to say, in our college group we are learning about renewing our minds and taking control of my thought life. I wish I would have had all of this in college...so many of my thoughts in all of these areas simply run rampant with no harness or leash whatsoever. I have been chewing on all of this, and I think I am having breakthroughs. Even though I hate my job, I can make a difference while I am here, and I am thankful that I have a full time job with the way the economy is. I am thankful that my family is still alive and kicking, and that my relationship with my sister is so good. I am thankful that I am starting to love working out again. I am thankful for the amazing relationships I have built through TCAL. I am thankful for the ways God is using my past mission experiences even today, even though I don't get to go to Prague next year. It's good.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Realizations
Things I have realized this week:
1) I really struggle with trusting the Lord to take care of me. I worry way too much, and taking every thought captive is something I am working on.
2) I really, truly, love my church.
3) God is getting ready to do something big. I just know it....He has to be.
1) I really struggle with trusting the Lord to take care of me. I worry way too much, and taking every thought captive is something I am working on.
2) I really, truly, love my church.
3) God is getting ready to do something big. I just know it....He has to be.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Longing for Eagles' Wings
Yesterday I experienced an obvious act of God's mercy in my life. It might sound silly, but to me this is a big deal. I took the GRE around 2pm, and halfway through had decided that there was no way I was going to achieve the minimum score required by UTA's masters program, which is a 500 on the verbal. I had resigned myself to taking it again, but during a break was doodling and ended up writing out a prayer to God. In my heart, it was a shot in the dark, and I was even laughing at myself. ("God, you know, if You could some how miraculously change some of my answers and just get me the minimum score, that would be great...") As I clicked over to see the results, I almost swallowed my tongue. 500 exactly on the verbal. 620 on the math, which I completely guessed on. There is no way that is an accident. I don't know why God saw fit to give me a little help, but I am grateful.
I am about to go to school and really need an attitude adjustment. I was reading Isaiah 40 and I want to live in that complete submission. I see so much contentment there. I see so much satisfaction in living in the shadow of the Lord's wings, to dwell in His shelter. But I feel as though I am avoiding the shade at all costs, and I don't know why or how. Tonight I really want to have a time of just reading and meditating, phone on silent, etc. However, the stack of journals and essays is looming at me menacingly. I am just going to make it happen, no matter what I guess.
Enough rambling...time for work.
I am about to go to school and really need an attitude adjustment. I was reading Isaiah 40 and I want to live in that complete submission. I see so much contentment there. I see so much satisfaction in living in the shadow of the Lord's wings, to dwell in His shelter. But I feel as though I am avoiding the shade at all costs, and I don't know why or how. Tonight I really want to have a time of just reading and meditating, phone on silent, etc. However, the stack of journals and essays is looming at me menacingly. I am just going to make it happen, no matter what I guess.
Enough rambling...time for work.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
